Es Primavera Tambien En El Rancho (It's Springtime again at the Ranch)

 

Welcome to the "Rancho Relaxo" blog for March. We're kickin' but can't say that we're making a lot of dust. For one thing, we've had just enough rain to keep the dust down. We are in high praise to the good Lord for that because, finally, we have our desired depth of greenness. This is a good thing because all of us 'Villains" (Springville'ens), change our minds and unpack our bags, chests, pickups, and trunks that were stuffed at the end of the previous summer. We swear we are getting out of this "Devil's Kitchen" San Joaquin Valley and head for any place...any place...that's at least 20 degrees cooler than here in the summer. But, when the gorgeous green hits, we all cave and unpack and brace for the soon-to-come asphalt melting sunshine so we can all cook our huevos on the hood of the Hudson. Connie the Canner says she likens it to a woman giving birth to a 10 pound baby, swearing that she'll never do it again, but then getting pregnant a couple of years later. Hard to challenge the reasoning. 

Things are settling down somewhat due to only dealing with the two oinkers and a single princess pooch. We're going to make it easier yet as soon as we can. A couple of vehicle issues have kept us on our toes, though. To compensate, we've made a point to take at least a short siesta once per day if at all possible. Siestas are much more productive than merely taking a nap, dont'cha know. We can't yet explain the science but it seems to work for us. But, you just know that having such a regular break is a pretty much a pipe dream around here. It's a start, though, and it's greatly appreciated. 

The really lousy part of this wonderful cool weather is that it will all be concluded in only about three weeks from now. In fact, we're already starting to get faded green areas in places and even had to use the A/C in the Coop de Ville a couple of times!!. We were lamenting that fact only a couple of days ago. We have that same lament every...single....year. At least the fog was at a substantial minimum this season. 

There is a chance (though a pretty slim one) that we may take the Yokhol Valley drive again. That's something we haven't done in 5 or 6 years. It's a marvelous round trip of only about 65 miles (which is about the same distance from Ranch Relaxo to Bakersfield). It takes us six miles above Springville then over the hill and down to Exeter where we sometimes stop for lunch. The ol' cameraman usually shoots a ton of pictures (400 on one occasion!) and is ready for a nice burger or taco break. The scenery and landscape is phenomenal from any angle. But, it only lasts for perhaps a week then the glory fades as does any beautiful rose. We'll see. 

Anyway, the Ol' Rooster and Ol' Hen just wanted to share what's happening here at our humble rancho (which doesn’t even come close to meeting modern industrial standards) nestled in the beautiful vibrant green foothills of the Sierra Nevada Mountains. Thanks for stopping in at Dirty Bird Central, the ex-chicken ranch being run by two old turkeys.

(click on pictures to enlarge)

Even though the snow level dropped to about 2,500' and Camp Nelson got 3' of the white stuff, we didn't get any of it here at the rancho. In only a couple of days, the weather warmed and all low-level precipitation ceased for the season. 

Contrast the cooler nicer winter picture with this flashback photo from a couple of summers ago. This is smoke and haze from on the nearby fires. The picture is shot from the same place behind our house. The entire area smelled like smoke for days. Lots of complaints because any wash hung out to dry smelled terribly. 

This is an actual old tow truck based here in Springville. It's owned by Roady's Towing downtown. 

We really hadn't planned to let our front yard turn into a silage crop. It got ahead of us when the rain caused green things to explode in growth. Thankfully, things are back to normal. The lawn was mowed and the weed-eater was put to work. The back yard is a huge mess but that should be straightened out soon. 

This good friend and brother, Jerry Hall, and his band, "Trick Shot". Jerry is on the left, then bass man and singer, Bill Hughes, then lead guitar player and singer, Randy Fowler. They are a C&W fixture in this area and have been for decades. Theyh do have a drummer but he wasn't needed for this particular gig.

 They've played all over including at Buck Owen's "Crystal Palace" in Bakersfield. I remember dancing to their music in 2003 at what was then "Carrows" on Highway 190 at Jaye St. (now Denny's). Not only are they a great entertainers with great music, they're great guys! 

Here they are playing at "Sierra Hills" retirement center on far west Henderson where my mother lives. She invited us to see them and we were quick to accept! They did a super job and everyone had a swell time! 

Here's our two Kuny-Pot Belly cross piggies, Piglet and Squeeler. Piglet is the black and white one. They are noshing on a box of whacked up veggies of all sorts and kinds. They seem to have stomachs that are larger than their bodies. Can't quite figure that out. I've never seen when they are hungry and begging for chow. Seriously. 

But....the Ol' Rancher is getting out of animal husbandry and taking a break from feeding ravenous critters. It's a lot of work that I haven't been complaining about until now. It's just too much work to haul 6-16 boxes of blemished and out-dated veggies to our chow-wrecking crew twice per week. A main issue is that someone has to cut down and then load the boxes into the trailer and haul them to the dump. They're worse than rabbits and proliferate at about the same rate or more. That's a $25 hit to take them to the dump. It doesn't take long for such activities to eat a hole in your wallet. So, it's time for the piggies to go. The chickens went last month. There's a gent who will be taking them off our hands and will be returning them as completely transformed into BBQ sized slabs. 

Tip Of The Day:

"You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You only need a parachute to go skydiving twice"

And, now a word from our sponsor:

This issue of Rancho Relaxo is brought to you by “Ornery Onie Olson's Oblong Oodleoders”. Now, these are the best “Oblong Oodleoders” that money can buy! You cannot...I say...you cannot get better “Oblong Oodleoders" anywheres! And, folks, they're a real hot item and they're made right here in the good ol’ US of A. You can get your bountiful supply of “Ornery Onie Olson's Oblong Oodleoders” at the Wal-Mart, KMART, Speedy Mart, Rapid Mart, Save Mart, Quick Mart, and all those marts where those guys have them towels wrapped around their heads. Tell'em the Ol' Rancher sent you. You'll be glad you did!

Rancho Report

Well, I'll be hornswoggled! It’s March…again! If that doesn’t just keep your skillet good and greasy, it’s only 297 days until Christmas! Moving along.....

 

One of those days or One of those days

Sometimes, you just have "one of those days". That just happened. We had one and it was a doozy. The day started out as originally planned and, by noon, most of nothing had been accomplished. By the end of the day, the remainder of nothing was finished. It wasn’t that we weren’t trying: not at all. It’s just that we had this interruption then that interruption. If it wasn't a long phone call, it was some sort of challenge with Wooley Pulley, the trailer, or having an unexpected run into to Hooterville (a two hour tie up). After that, another exigency barged into the timeline. By day’s end, we were worn out and too tired to lead a banzai charge. Our ability to tend the ranch had been displaced by some sort of activity or another; nothing got done and we were a day behind. *SIGH*. The next day was better.  

Gnats to You or No Fly Zone

From time to time, we get a lot of produce and fruit at the rancho. That's a good thing. But, once in awhile, some sort of fruit may get left in a bowel on the counter and that's when things get... interesting. When this happens, nature simply does what nature does. It kicks into high gear and make sure that all of the gnats in the county get a text message that there is fruit ripening at Rancho Relaxo. The bugs come in from clear across the county. We know this because there can't possibly be that many gnats that show up from just this one small burg in the foothills. 

Well...you just know that Connie the Canner is a real "no bugs, m'lady" gal and her kitchen is a "no fly zone". It just isn't allowed. Zero tolerance. “You die!”. She's been seen tracking down a fly with a hand towel and whacking it into oblivion. She has a sign on the back door with a large fly on it that's being squashed with a swatter that says, "Don't even try!". 

So, you can imagine what happened when she found a gaggle of gnats swarming around some over- ripened fruit on her counter! She didn't go full Seal team but she did have her combat boots on! Armed with a tea towel, she managed to significantly reduce the gnat population. All of that swinging scared the rest of them into hiding. It was that way for about three days until the last of intruders were sent crashing down in flames. There will be no more ripening fruit on the counter. No...not any. 

Piggie report:

The Ol' Rancher is pretty much over the piggy vibe. The rancho just isn't set up or configured correctly to account for pigs. The Henhouse Hilton is now a piggy palace and that isn't a good thing. It was drying out nicely when…it rained the most that it has rained in the previous 4 months. Now, the coop is flooded again and the mud is just as deep as it has ever been and it's barely less polluted than the Ganges.  

Wanna guess who gets to wade through all of that? My....but that's fun. Burying your overalls in a hog bog really isn't a good practice and slipping and sliding isn't either. The weather will be warm soon so "this to shall pass". In any case, the porkies have to go and I’m getting’ hungry for ham steaks.

We have a friend whose brother-in-law will process and wrap them for a nominal fee. J&R Meats, in Porterville, had been called but I almost fell over when they apprised me of the cost! They wanted $250 to pick them up and kill and bleed them out. According to the law, that has to be done at an approved processing center/facility. Then, it's $2.10 per pound to cut and wrap them. Obviously, we had to rethink the matter. After consulting with another friend, we can get the entire matter taken care of on site here with the fee being 25% of the meat. Sounds fair enough to me. Both options are under consideration. 

As bad as the Ol' Rancher wants them gone, the piggies are only 5 months old. Since they are a Kuny-Kuny and Pot Belly cross, they are a smaller pig. This means that we wouldn't get all that much meat. However, it costs us very little to feed them (though it does cost in time and money to haul off all the boxes the feed comes in (8 to 16 boxes twice per week). In a couple of months, they'll be much larger and we can get more out of the deal. But, the rancher is tired and needs a break. We'll see. 

Home Home on the Range or Some Like It Hot.

Our big beautiful vintage O'Keefe & Merritt range has had an issue for a few months. That's a real stressor for Connie the Baker when she has no oven in which to bake her goodies! The issue was that the oven wouldn't come on even though the pilot light did stay on. The thermocouple was replaced which should have resolved the matter: it didn't do that. That meant that the oven safety valve was faulty. Great. The OEM replacement valve was...gulp....$375.00 (free shipping. Ain't that nice?)!! We tried to find a substitute but that ended up as a big flop. What can you do but grab a 45-70 buffalo rifle bullet and bite it. 

When the new valve came in a month later (due to being back-ordered), it was installed with a new thermocouple. Connie the Canner breathed a sigh of relief. The pilot light was on and steady, the new thermocouple head was properly positioned in the flame, so the gas valve button was pushed. What could possibly go wrong now since everything was shiny new? The sound of gas was presented and a match was lit and the oven came on. After 20 seconds or so the red safety button was released and ......the oven went out. That happened three successive times. Great. That really was a poser since all oft the parts involved were new. Ovens are pretty simple critters and you don't have to break a lot of brain cells when dealing with them. 

"Grapevine Sally's" was called for tech support (that's where we go the new valve). The owner of the place was quite cordial and willing to help. After apprising him of the situation, he was stumped, too. Great. Two stumped mechanics are not better than one. The only thing he could suggest is purchasing the longer 48" thermocouple recommended for the "RoberShaw" OEM safety valve. UGH. That didn't make sense because "a thermocouple is a thermocouple". However, the Ol' Rancher has always stood by a modification of the deductive reasoning used by Sherlock Holmes. Holmes says: "When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth". The Ol' Rancher's version is: "When you have done everything except what the more experienced guy than you has recommended, just shut up and take the recommendation". 

Taking his advice was wasn't a blow to my ego but it was a blow to my wallet. A new 30"-36" thermocouple is about $12-$15. The 48" thermocouple recommended by "Grapevine Sally" is....$48.00 plus tax and shipping. Ouch. 

Here's the good news. When the solid gold thermocouple came in (ok...maybe it was only gold plated), it was immediately installed. The magic red button was pushed on the valve and the match was lit. The oven came on as expected. The button was held for about 40 seconds and released and......the oven stayed on. Done deal!

Connie the Baker put the oven to work straightaway! Since then, it has hardly had time to cool down!! Don't think the Ol' Rancher didn't enjoy the freshly baked biscuits!! Whoo, Doggies! Everyone at church go a fresh batch of chocolate chip cookies, too! 

 Wiring Wooley Pully or Let there be lights

The wiring on our trusty trailer ended up being compromised when, after a brief encounter with the high spot in the church driveway, the wiring connector got wrecked (long story). It needed to be dealt with ASAP since we use it to haul piggie food and chicken chow in it (such foods being one and the same).

So, the other day (when lots of things happen around here), a determination was made to fix the dang thang (no relation to the small berg of the same name in Vietnam). However, after a mighty large chili dog, potato salad, baked bean, and potato chip lunch, no one at the ranch had the energy to proceed with such a demanding project. It was doubtful that we could have handed out cotton candy to the kids. So, it was siesta time at El Rancho Relaxo de Tortuga.

After sleeping off the post-prandial fatigue, we woke up but still weren’t banging on all 8 cylinders. That meant that we probably needed a “Cereal Nap”. Now, to the underinformed, a “cereal nap” is when you wake up from a nap and have yet to discover enough energy to continue on with the day. In such cases, you simply eat a bowel of cereal and go back to bed for a back-to-back nap. What a grand idea!

Just as the Ol’ Rancher and Connie the Canner, were ready to succumb to the Sirens of slumber, the stupid clock happened to present the time right in front of my blurry eyes; it was late afternoon and it wouldn’t be long until sunset would deprive us of enough daylight to continue with the wiring gig. Yes, there are large LED lights that can be used but night time also brings chilly weather with it. Chilly weather can wait. Warmth is our friend. Nevertheless, the same old 45-70 buffalo rifle bullet was bit again and the wiring project continued into the sunset. FYI: bullets really don’t taste good but an ol’ rancher has to do what an ol’ rancher has to do. 

Is that the end of the story? Nope. Not at Rancho Relaxo where, you just never know. The wiring harness was expertly repaired and the shrink tubing was in place and tidied up. The trailer was hooked up to the van and the lights were turned on: no trailer lights! Great. Enough is enough. There would be no further troubleshooting that day. 

A couple of days later, the task was re-addressed. The entire female wiring harness was rebuilt and all of the trailer wire was inspected (I just love to lie down on a creeper and crawl around under a trailer, don't you?). The job couldn't have been done better. What happened? Did I mention that this was Rancho Relaxo where.... you just never know? Nothing happened, that's what!! 

OK... more troubleshooting. The fuse block diagram was obtained from the Internet and the fuses were checked. No blown fuses. That means that the relay may be blown. Before it gets pulled, the male connector, though inspected and seemingly without issue, will be replaced (thereby eliminating another possible issue). The connectors are fairly cheap (about 7-8 bucks each) and it'll only take 30 minutes or so to rewire a new one in place. I have one in stock. If that doesn't work, the relay is the culprit (thanks, again, Mr. Holmes). 

So....there you have it: another short episode of the long happenings at Rancho Relaxo (aka “Dos Acres”): home of Rancho Ran, the world's least-most greatest authority: home of Connie the Canner, the world's greatest side-kook and CEE (Chief of Everything Else); together we are the Yo-Yo  twins who are always having to return to the rancho for something: home to one duck that we try to keep in a row (which is difficult since he's retarded): where the air always smells and where alliteration reigns supreme: where being modern is optional and where there are no slaves to fashion: where the eggs are always mostly fresh: where things can get...interesting: where it's all news to us, and where...you just never know.

Rancho Sin Pollos (Ranch Without Chickens)

 

Welcome to the "Rancho Relaxo" blog for February. Well...this month's edition is pretty much on time...sorta. It's been somewhat settled down around here and things are only frenetic; glad to slow down some. 

Part of the regression to sub-sonic speed is related to Connie's recovery from the nasty fall she experienced just prior to Christmas. For a couple of weeks, it was almost impossible for her to crawl out of bed. She's up and about and only has to take a few breaks during the day when her back gets stressed. 

Winter has, for all intents and purposes, ended. We still haven't had to break out the heavy jackets yet. The “La Nina” whether phenomenon has crept in and has deprived us of our seasonal rains. This also means that we have warmer weather along with far less rain. We only get 10” of rain for the entire season so, it there’s hardly any rain, we suffer accordingly. There’s no worrying about frozen water pipes and frosty chickens but….hey…..rain is our friend and we hate being without such pals.

There is still the possibility of a freak temp drop where we'll have to wear a heavy jacket but we're not holding our breath. We've been experiencing mid-40's for lows and mid-60's for highs and both temps are steadily rising each new day. A friend of ours already has a flourishing garden that he planted more than three weeks ago! No frost on the pumpkin this year but no snow pack, either. That's not a good thing in these parts. 

There still is an inconvenience to deal with regarding our coop, though. It's the man-eating bog that lurks in there waiting for any fool human to get within reach. That's because It takes a long while to dry since the temperature still isn't warm enough to hasten the evaporation. That makes the Henhouse Hilton about as useful as tackle box at a poker game. That's why we made some changes to our chicken program around here: no mas pollos (see report below). The problem is that the Ol' Rancher has to slog through there to be able to feed Piglet and Squealer, the two newest ravenous additions to our zoo. Thankfully, the rear section of the coop is just barely dry enough so that the hog chow (boxes of veggies) doesn't get muddy. 

Anyway, the Ol' Rooster and Ol' Hen just wanted to share what's happening here at our humble rancho (which doesn’t even come close to meeting modern industrial standards) nestled in the beautiful and almost Irish green foothills of the Sierra Nevada Mountains. Thanks for stopping in at Dirty Bird Central, the chicken ranch being run by two old turkeys.

Click on pictures to enlarge

This is a shot of Success Lake looking west toward

Porterville. It shows the valley fog rising up to the same level as the dam and spilling over into the lake. When we left this beautiful clear area, we immediately drove straight into the fog. 

Wanna see my rooster? This is one of our handsome roosters that we hope to rehome soon. He's the head of our "cock-a-doodle-do" choir that awaits us in the early dawn. He's a pretty boy and he knows it! We're downsizing and need to be without "farming incumbrances" including our feathery alarm clock. That is to say, we need a break from our green acres. If we somehow have a desire to have a few more birds in the future, we know the drill. For now, no mas papagallos and our pretty papagallo has to go.  

Tip Of The Day:

"A giant on the ground is just a rug" (anonymous)

And, now a word from our sponsor:

This issue of Rancho Relaxo is brought to you by “Herbert Harvey's Hally-hacked Hickleboobers”. Now, these are the best “Hally-hacked Hickleboobers” that money can buy! You cannot...I say...you cannot get better “Hally-hacked Hickleboobers" anywheres! And, folks, they're made right here in the good ol’ US of A. You can get your bountiful supply of “Herbert Harvey's Hally-hacked Hickleboobers” at the Wal-Mart, KMART, Speedy Mart, Rapid Mart, Save Mart, Quick Mart, and all those marts where those guys have them towels wrapped around their heads. Tell'em the Ol' Rancher sent you. You'll be glad you did!

Well, I'll be dipped in hog lard! It’s February…again! It that doesn’t just blow your wig in the creek, it’s only 323 days until Christmas! If time goes by any faster, I'll need to buy an anchor! Moving along.....

Hot-not-hot or I'm not warming up to this

The other day (when lots of things happen around here), all of the guts of our big beautiful Maytag dryer had been overhauled or replaced. Everything had been buttoned up and all was well. But, this is Rancho Relaxo where...you just never know. 

All of the items on the repair protocol list had been accomplished save one. It was a small factor that had been addressed....or so it seemed. This is to say that the dryer vent had been checked for clogging and then carefully reinstalled. So, the dryer was fixed: except the dryer had no heat after the first couple of loads. This was a head-scratching mystery since all (as in all) of the sensors had been replaced and all repair protocols followed. There’s really no reason for this dryer not to dry; but, it wasn’t. Great. 

Connie the Washer Woman had had enough of the rebellious appliance and its “tude” towards her. She had laundry to do and was now ready to haul the thing to the nearest high cliff and shove it off and shoot at it on the way down. She almost had her coat on and would have been heading to Lowe's to buy another one but I pleaded for mercy for the stupid thing. It was a good thing she wasn’t near the gun safe or we would have had to give the blamed thing a decent burial.  

Though it didn't make any sense that the dryer wasn't drying properly, only one item on the protocol list did require a re-think: clogging. Though the rear vent had been checked for obstruction, the blower itself had not because it required taking off the blower cover at the bottom. The odds were extremely high that it wasn't clogged. And, checking it required work which El Mecánico had deemed to be unnecessary at the time (and we just know how "convenience oriented" the Ol' Rancher is). No matter the thinking, there was only one option to save the big Maytag from great bodily harm: pull the front off and remove the vital organs….again (big groan).

By now, the Ol' Rancher could rebuild the dryer in his sleep. But, all of the work required to get this far had drained his energy ration for the day. So, despite the lack of energy for the exigent cause (and probably because Connie the Washer Woman was nearby to make sure that her recalcitrant dryer would be working that evening), worked progressed slowly but without delay. A mile-high stack of laundry is real motivator.

Long story longer....sure enough, after the blower shroud was pulled off, a huge ball of lint was totally occluding the blower vent. It was removed and the guts replaced, the tumbler was reinstalled, and the front panel and door were remounted. Day is done...like...done...really done. 

The tumbler is a bit of a bugger to deal with. It requires that you hold it in place and then re-mount the drive belt. That sounds easy and, technically speaking, it is. However, you must slip the drive belt around an exceedingly-taut idler pully which presents itself as a real tug-of-war. And, you get to do it with both hands...reaching to the back of the dryer....while lying on your side...mostly by feel since you can't see past the tumbler. Uh-huh. Wrestling a Wisconsin wolverine takes less energy. After that project, the Ol' Rancer had to resort to the Vulcan Couch Meld.

Peruano beans or New beans are our new friends

The other day (when lots of things happen around here), a nice big bunch of Peruano beans showed up at the rancho. The Ol’ Rancher is a big fan of legumes that go “bang!” in the night. So, since Peruanos have never been on the menu here, it was decided to have a go at taste testing the tiny time bombs. They have been on store shelves for years and years but there had been no real reason to buy them. But, they showed up here so it was high time to fire them up. 

Since these bonnie beanie babies (smooth off-white surface) are from south of the US, it was also decided to not use bacon, ham, or ham hocks for protein like what's normally used for pinto beans. Instead, an on-hand tube of Mexican chorizo was selected. Chorizo is a staple but it hadn't been used as an ingredient for beans before (chorizo is my friend!). So it was, off with the tube and into the pot with the lingering legumes. 

After a couple of hours of simmering, it was time for a taste test. Results? WOW! They're great (thank you, Tony the Tiger)! They have really wonderful mouth feel and, when paired with the chorizo, the result was impressive! After eating my fill, they were stowed for the night. This recipe will be etched into Rancho Relaxo's list of great things to eat! Next time, a different meat will be used and there is no doubt that it will be great!

Black beans and Rice or Beans are our Friends and Rice is nice

It must have been "gas week" at the rancho because the hankering for more frijoles hadn't gone away. Being the son of a “CIO” (a “California improved Okie”, in case you hadn’t heard), my genes must have kicked in because, at about the time the Peruanos were gone, the hunger for more beans was unabated. The very thought of ladling up more beans also evoked a strong yen for fried taters with a ton of onions mixed in. Since we just happened to have a huge supply of onions at the time, the game was afoot. 

At first, the Ol' Rancher was a bit hesitant about the spicing and ingredient mix. Along with the taters, the menu included Caribbean "frijoles negros" (black beans) that use cumin for spicing; they weren't the usual pintos. After remembering pairing potatoes (pappas) with cumin in Mexican cooking, and that cumin is used in chili beans, everything was just fine with the mental processing. White rice was also added so the meal would be complete. 

You would have thought that corn tortillas would have been unpacked, warmed, and handed out. Not this time. It was discovered that Caribbean cuisine doesn't normally use tortillas per se but rather a "roti" like flat bread. Using a tortilla would have aided the fusion cuisine attempt but I passed on it this time. Instead of tortillas, plain white bread and real butter were used (margarine is not allowed in the house since it isn't real food. Not even flies will touch it!). For those in the know, this makes for a delightful treat called a "fried tater sandwich". Oh, my! Was it ever delightful! This treat, with or without the black or pinto beans, will soon return to the menu! Make this note: Okie food and Caribbean food mix well. 

Our steps outside the culinary box were successful but, due to the Ol' Rancher being a Luddite with strict menus and recipes, that may be the extent of our "fusion cooking" around here for a while. But, this is Rancho Relaxo where....you just never know. 

Chickening Report or No mas pollos

Let’s take a running start on this. The Henhouse Hilton has been flooded for a couple of months. Not good…very not good. It is a place of constant hazard due to the deep thick mud and large lingering water puddles. This is because the temps are too cool to dry out the coop (even after two months!). This means that our bird herd would have to endure wet muddy feet all of the time when they are in the coop. That also means that they are subject to serious foot issues and who knows what else. The only option we had we had was to let them free range. Not only that, merely being in the coop is hazardous to whomever has to feed the birds and piggies (that would be moi). Entering the coop is kept to a minimum lest there be one butt short in the pews when church starts. It ain't safe in there. 

OK…let’s talk about free ranging. We love to let our birds out to free range for a number of reasons. It’s healthy for them since they can get more exercise than just being cooped up and it also increases their protein intake (which makes for luscious eggs!). Yet, there are some real downsides to the matter. One is predation. In the previous ten years, we've lost nearly one hundred birds (I didn't stutter) due to predation. 

Once was when we lost almost seventy at one time when a couple of the neighbor's Rottweilers got loose. They rounded up our birds and killed almost all of them for sport. Another time, coyotes took out a dozen in one week and a few now and again. Another reason is that they love to camp out on our back porch. Uh....if you know anything at all about inconsiderate, indiscriminate, indiscrete, unscrupulous, uncaring, and totally selfish chickens, you know that you don't want forty chickens anywhere near your house and much less on your back patio. The mess is indescribable. So, we are hesitant to allow our birds to free range. But, we were forced to do it because of the coop and because of the fact that there are pigs in the coop now.

The piggies had to be placed in the far back part of the coop where the layer boxes are because the rest of the coop is filled with mud and water. It's still wet back there but it's not as muddy and their food doesn't get contaminated. But, the layers can't get to their boxes so, you guessed it, we no longer have fresh eggs on hand. 

Our options were limited so a friend and brother, Scott, who has a ranch up in Yokhol Valley (ten miles north of us), when apprised of the matter, agreed to take the birds off our hands. He already has a bird herd so they'll be in good hands up there. We still have a a few roosters but they're now listed on "Craig's List" and "Next Door" so should be gone soon. A few hens managed to escape the purge so we'll see what happens with them. If the coop dries out, we can always find a way to shoo them in after we rehome the piglets. Perhaps we'll have a few fresh eggs after all. In any case, I'm no longer the Duke of Cluckingham. 

iPhone, you phone, we all phone home Or Bye bye old phone

Our old model 7S iPhone has been operating nominally since day one. The motto around here is, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it". However, the old communicator wasn't broken; it was worn out. The charging port/data port simply wore out and cables weren't making contact with. So, it wouldn't charge and you couldn't retrieve pictures and such. So, it was time to head to "Amazon" to order a new one. 

Amazon was chosen because the have a warranty and because the sell a tested product. The old phone was, in fact, purchased from Amazon. After a lot of hunting and tracking, a really nice iPhone 13 was selected. Even though it was a bit older, it was the highest performance iPhone of its time. The price? The price really was a tad higher than I wanted to pay but, all in all, I chipped for it. 

The bloody thing has a learning curve and old people hate learning curves. That means the old folks around here are swiping their....fingers off with a "swipe swipe here and a swipe swipe there". They are swiping everywhere! They should be expert swipers in no time (is this a good thing?!). The slightly larger screen is appreciated as is the larger data storage (128GB vs 32GB).

The coolest part about the entire matter is that you set the two phones next to each other, touch a couple of buttons, and the new phone sucks the guts out of the other phone and self-installs it in only a few minutes!! That's impressive! It didn't have a scratch on it when it arrived. In only a week, it looks like it had been drug through a swamp then dried with a hammer! A case was ordered; it came today. The old folks are looking forward to a long and happy relationship with this high performance rig. 

Fun fact: today's cell phones are far more powerful than the computers that ran NASA's space program until about the year 2000.

 So....there you have it: another short episode of the long happenings at Rancho Relaxo (aka “Dos Acres”): home of Rancho Ran, the world's least-most greatest authority: home of Connie the Canner, the world's greatest side-kook and CEE (Chief of Everything Else); together we are the Yo-Yo  twins who are always having to return to the rancho for something: home to one duck that we try to keep in a row (which is difficult since he's retarded): where the air always smells and where alliteration reigns supreme: where being modern is optional and where there are no slaves to fashion: where the eggs are always mostly fresh: where things can get...interesting: where it's all news to us, and where...you just never know.

Rancho de Cerdos y Pollos

 

Welcome to the "Rancho Relaxo" blog for January. Well...this month's edition is on time. That's by and large because I got a head start on things. Amazing. That, and I decided to just rest on New Year's eve and then again on my birthday, January 1st. It felt good to take a....day off!!! 

Winter is here but it isn’t brutal like some folks have it. We’ve had a couple of colder days but nothing unusual. We did get some rain and it’s greatly appreciated. Most of the precipitation hit the mountains and that’s great! Can you spell “snow pack”?! That’ll help us this summer and help to keep the trout from drying out in the creeks and rivers, don’tcha know. Our rain is what I call “soaker rain” which doesn’t come down hard like the “frog strangler” storms that they get in Texas and Oklahoma. Those storms pack a wallop and can dump more rain in half a day than we get in an entire year!! We're forecast to get at least three more days of rain soon so that'll be a real blessing! 

There is an inconvenience (for Rancho Relaxo) to deal with, though: ever lasting mud. It takes a long while to dry things our around here. With our clay-based soil, we have to make sure that our boots are secured because they can get stuck in the mud and come off when you least expect it! That makes working in the Henhouse Hilton a real chore. In the winter, it take twice as long to tend the bird herd than in summer. 

Anyway, the Ol' Rooster and Ol' Hen just wanted to share what's happening here at our humble rancho (which doesn’t even come close to meeting modern industrial standards) nestled in the just-about-perfectly-green foothills of the Sierra Nevada Mountains. Thanks for stopping in at Dirty Bird Central, the chicken ranch being run by two old turkeys.

Click on pictures to enlarge. 

The bird herd was allowed to free range the other day (when lots of things happen around here). For being stupid chickens, they do know from whence their blessings (aka chicken chow) comes. Here are a couple of my pecking pals who flew upon my shoulder to wipe their feet on my overalls and to capture my attention so that the Ol' Rancher will hand feed them. They need to unlearn those tricks. 

This isn't a rare phenomenon but it doesn't happen every year. This happens when the the surface temperatures and ambient temps are at a certain point which basically traps the clouds at a position above the ground instead of on it. At that point, we would experience fog. This pictures is looking north from Circle R. The hill where the cloud is is directly behind our house. Our place is at the bottom and can't be seen because of the trees that are in the way. You can barely see Dr. Falopino's house which is directly behind ours and up higher on the hill and slightly above the tree line.  

Anytime we have  half-mile or so forward visibility, I refer to it as "high fog". 

This...this is "Tule Fog". It's when you are not just "socked in"; it's when the sock is slipped over your head.

This is what the locals wait for every year. We need the snow cap to keep things moving down in the valley. The more snow we get, the less water we have to pump from the ground. Just as a reference, they've sucked so much agua from the ground that the valley floor has dropped anywhere from 3 to 10 feet in places! This shot was take eastbound on Highway 190 coming down off the Main Street overpass. The intersection ahead in the picture is Plano Street. Things are nice and green. We were really really tired of the brown and the dust. Breathing clean air is a good thing. 

This scrumptious looking plate of deserts is what we call "puttin' on the Ritz". Talk about a fast and yet great desert! Connie the Cooker pulled out her cache of Ritz crackers, slapped some peanut butter on them, and dipped them in chocolate! I eat butter crackers and peanut butter all the time but have never had anything like these! May I suggest that you get your maid to whomp some of these babies up. You'll be glad you did!

Tip O’ the Day

You’ll never have bacon if you don’t feed the hogs (the Ol’ Rancher).

  And, now a word from our sponsor:

This issue of Rancho Relaxo is brought to you by “Uncle Uriah’s Umbertated Ugalonas ”. Now, these are the best “Umbertated Ugalonas” that money can buy! You cannot...I say...you cannot get better “Umbertated Ugalonas” anywheres! And, folks, they're made right here in the good ol’ US of A. You can get your bountiful supply of “Uncle Uriah’s Umbertated Ugalonas” at the Wal-Mart, KMART, Speedy Mart, Rapid Mart, Save Mart, Quick Mart, and all those marts where those guys have them towels wrapped around their heads. Tell'em the Ol' Rancher sent you. You'll be glad you did!

Well, fry my biscuits and dip me in gravy! It’s January…again….so soon! Doesn’t that just put tears in your tacos? And, it’s only 357 days until Christmas! Where does the time go?! *SIGH*. Moving along……

Here, pig, pig, pig! Or The oinks are on us.

Not long ago, but longer than the other day (when lots of things happen around here), we got a really big surprise. We’ve been sharing our produce trimmings with a friend who raises pigs and chickens at his  ranch on Success Valley Drive (about five miles from us down by Success Lake). He asked us if we wanted a couple of three-month-old piglets! Now, just how can you refuse some ham on the hoof when it's free? He must have have known that free is my friend! 

We got them home and put them in the large cage that's inside the coop. That's the cage where we put the birds that out grew their hutch but are not quite big enough enough to release into the general population. When they're big enough to hold their own or at least out run the big biddies who rule the roost, we cut them loose to fend for themselves. It's now a pig sty but there's some explaining to do. 

Connie was quick to name one of them “Piglet” from “Winnie the Pooh”. Me? I ran across the name “Squealer” from a friend so, Squealer it is. We do need to be mindful how close we get to them, though, because our policy around here is that we don’t eat our friends.

OK. Pigs onboard and the chickens are doing fine. But, this is Rancho Relaxo where... you just never know. Things came unraveled fairly quickly after the first couple of days. It rained and the coop was flooded. It was already muddy because it hasn’t been warm enough for the coop to dry out. I could see that the coop was not going to be a happy place for pigs or peckers. 

For one thing, piglets need to be kept warm and that just wasn't going to happen. Though a small heater was placed at one end of the cage, the water was too deep and the piggies had no place to bunk at night that wasn't wet. And, the piggies rooted up the entire cage knocking the feeding box over and drowning everything in mud! UGH! This was fighting a war in which no one could not dictate the outcome. This made the Ol' Rancher far from being the proverbial happy camper. 

There were no options but one: take the piglets out of the cage and let them head to the back of the coop where it was a bit higher and dryer. Um....when was the last time you tried to catch a muddy slicker-than-snot piggy? Yeah...me neither. It took some really expert anticipation of where the lightning fast piggies were going to be in the next millisecond and some precise hand aiming involved but the little buggers were snatched out of the cage. The event was exhausting but at least it was a grand mess. Good thing we have hot running water for showers and a working washing machine. 

It didn't take long to make note that our newly-named pigs, Squealer and Piglet, are at least on the same level of being voracious eaters as chickens.

 Chickening Report

Speaking of voracious chickens, A half of a 50 lb bag of layer pellets was loaded into the chicken feeder that hangs from the ceiling of the coop. That’s not the usual practice but it was necessary because we ran short or “greens” for the birds: that and the floor of the coop was nothing but deep mud which would have wrecked the greens in only a few minutes. Our "Hoover birds" sucked up the bucket in only a day! Doing the math showed that, if they were fed a half a bag of pellets per day, it would cost us around 300 dollars per month to feed our feathery friends! It would be somewhat justifiable if we sold our farm-fresh eggs like we used to do (we used to sell as many as 5 dozen per day). If the layers were laying at all (and, for now, they're not) we would probably just break even on the deal.

But, that’s the rub. The chicken factory is on vacation. We haven’t had a single egg in at least…2 months! This has never happened to us before! I checked with dear friend and brother, Scott, who also has a bunch of layers, and he is experiencing the same things: no eggs for months. We've tried two separate brands of layer pellets but our birds also get plenty of layer pellets as a side dish. The hope is that they will pick up the pace before too awfully long. The eggs we have in storage will expire soon so a turnaround in this food chain scarcity is a must. (Update: we just got a dozen and a half today).

There is another concern. As chicken muster-master general, I’m concerned about having to clean the Henhouse Hilton because there’s likely going to be a biohazard fee when we leave for good (no plans so far but speculation is in the air). In a word, the place is a mess. It involves everything hazardous excepting ectoplasmic residue and nuclear waste. That's a plus. Actually, there may be a tad of overreacting but, for now, it seems like a huge concern. The opinion will likely ease up when the weather changes and the coop dries out. In any case, I don't want a herd of really, really, really dirty birdies on hand. 

This messy scenario isn't a new one but it is the most dangerous one. For one thing, the ol' rooster wrangler has to all but tippy toe through the coop (no tulips for now) because the mud is so deep. One misstep and there could be a medical emergency show up at no charge. Having already experienced such an event in 2014, there's no hurry to conjure up another one by trying my hand at mud surfing. 

So far, about the only thing I can do is set the piggies free inside the coop. We'll see. 

Connie the Canner Report 

A couple of weeks ago, Connie experienced a nasty forward fall. It was almost a face plant but, thankfully, her head and spine were not injured. What was injured was her back. The doctor has her on a muscle relaxer for now. We're going heavy on homeopathic remedies for now and it seems to be working. No analgesics except for Ibuprofen and sparingly at that. Her back has been slathered with Vicks and a special comfrey salve and even a splash of castor oil. She has been all but bedridden for the previous two weeks but, finally, was able to go to town today for a few hours. When she got home, she had to go straight to bed. She is getting better and everyone's prayers are greatly appreciated because they are working!  

As you can imagine, she is keen to get back in the saddle of her rancho and get back to freeze drying, dehydrating, baking, and doing all the regular chores that no one else around here can do. The Ol' Rancher can do the laundry and such so that helps. The big Maytag twins are operating nominally so that helps, too. 

So....there you have it: another short episode of the long happenings at Rancho Relaxo (aka “Dos Acres”): home of Rancho Ran, the world's least-most greatest authority: home of Connie the Canner, the world's greatest side-kook and CEE (Chief of Everything Else); together we are the Yo-Yo  twins who are always having to return to the rancho for something: home to one duck that we try to keep in a row (which is difficult since he's retarded): where the air always smells and where alliteration reigns supreme: where being modern is optional and where there are no slaves to fashion: where the eggs are always fresh: where things 

RANCHO MUY FRIO (VERY COLD RANCH)

 

Welcome to the "Rancho Relaxo" blog for December. Well...this month's edition isn't terribly early or terribly late. It was started on time but this is Rancho Relaxo where....you just never know.

 Things aren't quite as hectic around here now that the weather has cooled down. We haven't had to break out the heavy jackets yet. But, it's almost too cool because it takes forever for the water in the chicken coop to evaporate. It's actually dangerous in there because water and waste make for ice-like floors. That ain't good! In any case, we haven't run out of things to do around here. There's lots to do what with family, church, computers, chickens, and challenges of all sorts. 

It hasn't rained....again....but, we are having some of the usual winter "high fog". That's a lot better than the "Tule Fog" that can get really nasty at times (especially in the mornings and evenings and along Highway 99). I've driven in fog so dense that you have to stick your head out of the car window to listen for oncoming traffic because you can't see them. Really....who wants to be T-boned by an idiot who blows through the stop signs at your intersection?! Thankfully, we've only had a couple of mornings with "regular" dense fog. 

Anyway, the Ol' Rooster and Ol' Hen just wanted to share what's happening here at our humble rancho (which doesn’t even come close to meeting modern industrial standards) nestled in the dang-near-close-to-being-truly-green foothills of the Sierra Nevada Mountains (come on rain!). Thanks for stopping in at Dirty Bird Central, the chicken ranch being run by two old turkeys.

Click on pictures to enlarge

I'm still not at all sure why we were recently targeted by a mass invasion of turkey vultures. Rancho Relaxo smells but....not that badly!

To the right is a view of northbound Interstate 5 coming down the last hill of the Grapevine. The San Joaquin Valley is barely visible in the middle of the picture.

Here's a shot of breaking out into the valley. To those of us who live in the San Joaquin Valley, it's a very comforting sign that we are getting close to home. 

This is another attempt at the Ol' Rancher's "awful ice cream art". I'm not sure if I'm just naturally awful at art or I'm a brilliant artist who uses great talent to skillfully make such awful art. This one is called: "The Really Cool Soul Singer"....who has many personal problems. I tried water colors but...they just don't taste as good. 

This is an early morning shot of one corner of a small cemetery near Rancho Relaxo. We came to visit Connie's parents' graves. You can tell that we live in the foothills.  

Tip O' The Day

You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose. But, 

you can't pick your friend's nose. (anonymous) 

And, now a word from our sponsor:

This issue of Rancho Relaxo is brought to you by “Gertie Gordon's Gladded Gibber Gobbers”. Now, these are the best “Gladded Gibber Gobbers” that money can buy! You cannot...I say...you cannot get better “Gladded Gibber Gobbers” anywheres! And, folks, they're made right here in the good ol’ US of A. You can get your bountiful supply of “Gertie Gordon's Gladded Gibber Gobbers” at the Wal-Mart, KMART, Speedy Mart, Save Mart, Quick Mart, Rapid Mart, and all those marts where those guys have them towels wrapped around their heads. Tell'em the Ol' Rancher sent you. You'll be glad you did!

Well, tie me kangaroo down, sport! It's December...again...so soon! Doesn’t that just make you want to head to Oberpfaffenhofen and dine on kartoffelpuffer?! 91.6 percent of the year is gonzo! If that doesn’t just put cracks in your plaster, it’s only 19 days until Christmas!! Moving along.

Chickening Report or Power to the Peckers

My girls, known as the "Dirty Thirty", are all happy and healthy. Their appetites are still voracious and they tear into their groceries like professionals. I can’t help but think that they are recent graduates of the “The Power Pecker  Academy”. It's a real free-for-all at feeding time. You'd think that they were fighting for the last layer pellet in town! It's a no-holds barred, knock down, drag out bar fight when the chicken chow is presented. 

Very often, some of the birds think that they can command my attention so that they can be personally spoon fed. They fly up on my shoulder and start demanding food by pecking me! They do get my attention but it's a messy matter when the coop isn't dry because their feet are thick with mud and it ends up being smeared on me. On many occasions, the ol' rooster wrangler ends up looking like the loser at a cockfight. So, it was with much joy in the air when Connie the Washer woman found the Ol' Ranchers coveralls. That was the end of muddy rancher days. 

The problem is that the coop is muddy and can’t dry out because of the cooler temps. It may be a really long winter if the floor of the coop can't dry out. A wet coop is not a good thing because it's slicker than snot on a Teflon frying pan in there. That means the potential for Olympic Coop-nastics is rather high (you've never heard of the "splits and sprawl" event?). No one around here is looking to pick up a gold medal for anything that's such a painful and scene-stealing scenario; it just isn't welcomed at all. There was already a "practice event" in that category some years ago. The Ol' Rancher went down hard and wrecked some body parts that took awhile to recover from. There are ample enough opportunities for an early death around here without purposely trying to set a record in a chicken coop. 

A time to be born and a time to dry or It is a good day to dry

Quite some time ago (which is longer than a while back, which is longer than not long ago, which is longer than the other day), Connie the Washer Woman’s big beautiful Maytag Bravos dryer decided that it hated her freshly-washed clothing. So, it just up and quit its job. The symptom wasn’t much different than what happened when Big Bertha started “long batching” (taking too long to dry things). The matter was just ignored for as long as possible. After all, it was almost summer time so Connie the Washer Woman, not being unionized, just hung her clothes on the clothesline out back in her drying yard. 

Not being one to hurry a project, the matter was ignored until….the day of reckoning. That day, of course, was when the weather turned cool three months later and was no longer hot enough to dry clothes. That’s when the plaints began and the matter could no longer be swept under the dead dryer. That's when Connie, the washer woman, looked me straight in my pretty brown eyes (she says I have pretty brown eyes) and said: "The clothes aren't getting dry and we're not going to the laundromat". Ah, a clue. Sooooooo, you know who was tasked with the repair: the Ol’ Wrencher was called upon. No problema....the repair kit was ordered from Amazon.com and the race was on. 

In fact, since all of the sensors were cheap, the entire sensor suite and new igniter were ordered. All were replaced so that the 5 year old dryer (a Maytag but built by Hobart/Whirlpool which now no longer builds a quality product) wouldn't be disrupting our wash days again. The dryer was disassembled, the parts replaced, and then reassembled and a performance check made. Good to go! We now have clothes that are dried quickly without headaches involved. Thankfully, there was no alien tech needed on this dryer project.

Home on the Range or Bake it again, Sam

Since we’re talking about recalcitrant appliances, how about a story about our early ‘50’s O’Keefe & Merritt gas range and how the oven stopped working. You probably remember O’Keefe & Merritt from all those game shows back throughout the ‘50’s and ‘60’s. I bet they gave away a thousand of those things! Anyway, Connie the Canner wears a number of hats at the rancho and Connie the Baker is one of them. So, you an imagine how difficult it is when you are a baker (she was never a biker except in the deep south) and you don't have an oven! 

All the usual suspects were analyzed and it was determined that the gas safety valve had outlived the previous owners and decided to follow them into eternity. No problemo, says El Wrencho, the appliance repair hombre. Of course, he was absolutely correct. It's not a problem to look up the replacement part. Since it's obviously a vintage and highly prized valuable work of art, the small valve replacement cost was a mere.....500 dollars (it took a minute to haul my jaw off the floor after that bit of news)! For those who haven't checked the price of gas ranges lately, 500 clams is almost the price of a new range! The average price for gas valves is around 150 dollars. 

Anyway, old people have options (options are our friends). A local appliance pro was contacted and he recommended a specific replacement valve for our range. Super! It was ordered straightaway for the paltry sum of 169 dollars. When it was ordered, it appeared to be the correct one and it was certainly the one specified by the repairman. It was rather strange that the ad for the device didn't include fitting sizes but it looked about right. No go. When the valve showed up (thrown down in the dark alongside the driveway.....what's with that?!), an attempt to install it proved to be futile. It was quickly determined that the valve had 3/8" fittings and the range needed the same valve with 1/2" fittings. It was promptly sent back to Amazon and another one will be hunted down while we wait for the credit for the rejected one. 

Dry, Baby, Dry! Or Well...Freeze My "Werthers"!

Speaking of drying.....now and again, I reckon that you just have to up and go hog wild at home. Let’s start from the beginning. Not long ago (but longer than the other day), we were apprised of a practice that hadn’t come to mind and neither had it entered our little ol’ hearts. That is, the practice of freeze drying candy (it's amazing how much grandparents can learn from there grandkids).  OK…ahem. Freeze dry your meat, veggies, and some fruit, right? Freeze dry your candy?! Say, What?!

Upon hearing the testimony of our kids and grandkids, we opted to just give it a go and see what happens when you add more expense to already expensive candy. Hey, you only live once, eh? Plus, it’s nigh unto Christmas time and expensive candy as a gift surely will bring great delight to the fam.

Connie the canner is head of the freeze drying department so she filled a sack with candy from the "Dollar Store" (can't help but wonder if they'll change their name now that inflation has basically eliminated things you can purchase for a buck). There were "Skittles", some strange looking candy that no one has ever heard of, and a few other things that she felt might be edible after being tortured and reworked in the freeze dryer. Captain Sweetie (who takes steps like eating candy to maintain his sweetness, dont'cha know) made a suggestion that we needed to add a couple of bags of "Werthers" caramels just for grins. 

Being a natural inventor and tinkerer, the Captain couldn't wait to be the head taste tester for the candy factory. As you might guess, the results were...interesting. The "Skittles" blew up and became round bug-eyed balls of sugar. There wasn't much to distinguish them from DNA altered eyeballs. That's cool. The weird candy that can't be described was OK but the kids will get the lions share of those. The "Werthers".....that was even more interesting than we could have imagined. The individual caramel pieces expanded about 10 times or so their normal size. That absolutely flooded the trays with goop and stuck to the trays above them. That'll be the end of that experiment until a resolution can be found to keep the pieces from forcing a huge cleanup detail. Perhaps cutting the pieces in half would help. Don't touch that dial. 

In any event, the caramel was not unlike Taco Bell's cinnamon twists texture. They were feathery light and melted in you mouth and were delightfully tasty! They may even find themselves at or near the top of my favorite candies list!  

 Adios, Fuzzy or Dog gone

Fuzz Doggy Dog is my buddy but he had a couple of built-in quirks one of which pretty much assured a (relatively) short stay at the rancho. One was that he is a “diggity dog”: meaning that he loves to excavate places around the rancho while looking for those varmints we call “stinking gophers”. I laud his zeal and consistency but really don’t have much interest in following him around with a shovel all day and backfilling his hard work. But, that's not the straw that broke the camel's back. I wasn't going to ship him out for that and was just going to wait until spring to fill in the holes. No biggy. 

The big issue is that he’s a “scaredy cat” dog. Yeah…a big dog who’s too easily provoked into defending himself by growling and, if he feels threatened, by nipping at someone. That wasn’t on his resume’ when he hired on as a watchdog so it became a big disqualifier. This is especially true when you have seven grandkids at a time staying for a couple of days. Thankfully, we didn’t have any issues but we had to be mindful of the matter…or else. The actual "straw" was when "Farmers Insurance" summarily dropped our home owner's insurance after 25 years of loyalty. We have friends, family, tradesmen, and what all around here all of the time. If Fuzzy were to bite someone, we would have a really expensive mess to deal with. 

Thankfully, we found a genuinely “good home” for him and are sure that he’ll be treated as family with them. For a while, Princess Abbie won’t have anyone to chase and tussle with all day.  The hope is to find a slightly smaller doggie with a disposition like Abbie’s who will be another friendly greeter like she is. 

 Wedding in Corona or Blowing the rancho for a couple of days. 

Our nephew, Jimmy, got himself hitched down in Corona, CA (which is where he and his parents lived until they moved to Texas for obvious reasons). It was really cool to get to break out of the chicken race for a couple days! We hadn't had a break from the rancho since we took two days off to go to the coast more than a year ago! Even then it was a rush gig since we couldn't dally around but for a short time and then scoot home to pick up the pace again. 

Since he and his wife are professional videographers, the entire wedding and reception were taped. It was awesome as was the elegant reception meal they served. Connie had the chicken meal while I opted for the steak plate. 

It was obvious that the two "kids" were a great match and a lovely couple and we were exceedingly happy for them. We can hardly wait for the opportunity to become more acquainted with his beautiful wife! We just need to take another...day off...and make the trip. 

The best part, though, was that the five Freeman siblings were all present at the same place and at the same time! That hadn't happened in who knows how long! It was great! No one could remember the last time such a thing had happened! Everyone was all smiles!

We got to spend the most time with brother and sister-in-love, Roger and Charlotte. They flew in from Texas and stayed with us a few days. We had a grand time fellowshipping and eating (can't leave that part out!) the entire time. When they departed, they drove all over CA for a few days taking in sights that they had wanted to see. Charlotte, being from "back east", had wanted to see the giant Sequoia's and other places that she had only read about or had seen on TV etc. They finished their trip but were worn out like an old shoe. But, they were happy to have made it to the wedding and take in all the sights and travelling. Connie and I understood completely. We knew from experience that lots of driving makes for a lot of stress for old people who are sitting on a part of their body that’s already cracked.

Neither Connie nor myself have ever attended such a beautiful, fancy, and wonderfully extravagant event! It was conducted at a local golf course club house which had been configured for such a large events. It was great and we had a super time! 

Soooooweeeee, pig, pig, pig! or Ham hocks are us!

Guess which rancho now has two three month old piglets? Yep; you got it. Rancho Relaxo is now the owner of a couple of ripening pork chops. They came from a brother who is also a pastor and who raises pigs, chickens, and goats (which he recently sold off). We have been sharing the produce trimmings from a local supermarket with him because our chickens can't eat the larger hard items like hard squash, yams, bottle gourds, turnips and rutabaga, et. al.. Reckon we'll be feeding our almost-bacon buddies a lot of that stuff now. 

Connie the Canner named one of them "Piglet" from Winnie the Pooh and I have yet to decide what stupid name I can give the other one. "Pork Chop" is high on the list so far but it does lack originality. We'll see. They're in the big cage inside the chicken coop for now so stay tuned as to what happens next. 

The idea was to find someone who can raise both of them while we helped with the feed. Then, when they are ready to dress out, we would both have about 150lbs of fresh pork to put in the freezer. After that, it's fire up the BBQ time. We had a guy who was interested in them but he isn't equipped to keep them during the winter. The little piggies need to stay fairly warm when they are young and he isn't able to do that. I stuck a small heater in with them in their cage and they are fine with that. 

 So....there you have it: another short episode of the long happenings at Rancho Relaxo (aka “Dos Acres”): home of Rancho Ran, the world's least-most greatest authority: home of Connie the Canner, the world's greatest side-kook and CEE (Chief of Everything Else); together we are the Yo-Yo  twins who are always having to return to the rancho for something: home to one duck that we try to keep in a row (which is difficult since he's retarded): where the air always smells and where alliteration reigns supreme: where being modern is optional and where there are no slaves to fashion: where the eggs are always fresh: where things can get...interesting: where it's all news to us and where...you just never know.