Rancho Sin Pollos (Ranch Without Chickens)

 

Welcome to the "Rancho Relaxo" blog for February. Well...this month's edition is pretty much on time...sorta. It's been somewhat settled down around here and things are only frenetic; glad to slow down some. 

Part of the regression to sub-sonic speed is related to Connie's recovery from the nasty fall she experienced just prior to Christmas. For a couple of weeks, it was almost impossible for her to crawl out of bed. She's up and about and only has to take a few breaks during the day when her back gets stressed. 

Winter has, for all intents and purposes, ended. We still haven't had to break out the heavy jackets yet. The “La Nina” whether phenomenon has crept in and has deprived us of our seasonal rains. This also means that we have warmer weather along with far less rain. We only get 10” of rain for the entire season so, it there’s hardly any rain, we suffer accordingly. There’s no worrying about frozen water pipes and frosty chickens but….hey…..rain is our friend and we hate being without such pals.

There is still the possibility of a freak temp drop where we'll have to wear a heavy jacket but we're not holding our breath. We've been experiencing mid-40's for lows and mid-60's for highs and both temps are steadily rising each new day. A friend of ours already has a flourishing garden that he planted more than three weeks ago! No frost on the pumpkin this year but no snow pack, either. That's not a good thing in these parts. 

There still is an inconvenience to deal with regarding our coop, though. It's the man-eating bog that lurks in there waiting for any fool human to get within reach. That's because It takes a long while to dry since the temperature still isn't warm enough to hasten the evaporation. That makes the Henhouse Hilton about as useful as tackle box at a poker game. That's why we made some changes to our chicken program around here: no mas pollos (see report below). The problem is that the Ol' Rancher has to slog through there to be able to feed Piglet and Squealer, the two newest ravenous additions to our zoo. Thankfully, the rear section of the coop is just barely dry enough so that the hog chow (boxes of veggies) doesn't get muddy. 

Anyway, the Ol' Rooster and Ol' Hen just wanted to share what's happening here at our humble rancho (which doesn’t even come close to meeting modern industrial standards) nestled in the beautiful and almost Irish green foothills of the Sierra Nevada Mountains. Thanks for stopping in at Dirty Bird Central, the chicken ranch being run by two old turkeys.

Click on pictures to enlarge

This is a shot of Success Lake looking west toward

Porterville. It shows the valley fog rising up to the same level as the dam and spilling over into the lake. When we left this beautiful clear area, we immediately drove straight into the fog. 

Wanna see my rooster? This is one of our handsome roosters that we hope to rehome soon. He's the head of our "cock-a-doodle-do" choir that awaits us in the early dawn. He's a pretty boy and he knows it! We're downsizing and need to be without "farming incumbrances" including our feathery alarm clock. That is to say, we need a break from our green acres. If we somehow have a desire to have a few more birds in the future, we know the drill. For now, no mas papagallos and our pretty papagallo has to go.  

Tip Of The Day:

"A giant on the ground is just a rug" (anonymous)

And, now a word from our sponsor:

This issue of Rancho Relaxo is brought to you by “Herbert Harvey's Hally-hacked Hickleboobers”. Now, these are the best “Hally-hacked Hickleboobers” that money can buy! You cannot...I say...you cannot get better “Hally-hacked Hickleboobers" anywheres! And, folks, they're made right here in the good ol’ US of A. You can get your bountiful supply of “Herbert Harvey's Hally-hacked Hickleboobers” at the Wal-Mart, KMART, Speedy Mart, Rapid Mart, Save Mart, Quick Mart, and all those marts where those guys have them towels wrapped around their heads. Tell'em the Ol' Rancher sent you. You'll be glad you did!

Well, I'll be dipped in hog lard! It’s February…again! It that doesn’t just blow your wig in the creek, it’s only 323 days until Christmas! If time goes by any faster, I'll need to buy an anchor! Moving along.....

Hot-not-hot or I'm not warming up to this

The other day (when lots of things happen around here), all of the guts of our big beautiful Maytag dryer had been overhauled or replaced. Everything had been buttoned up and all was well. But, this is Rancho Relaxo where...you just never know. 

All of the items on the repair protocol list had been accomplished save one. It was a small factor that had been addressed....or so it seemed. This is to say that the dryer vent had been checked for clogging and then carefully reinstalled. So, the dryer was fixed: except the dryer had no heat after the first couple of loads. This was a head-scratching mystery since all (as in all) of the sensors had been replaced and all repair protocols followed. There’s really no reason for this dryer not to dry; but, it wasn’t. Great. 

Connie the Washer Woman had had enough of the rebellious appliance and its “tude” towards her. She had laundry to do and was now ready to haul the thing to the nearest high cliff and shove it off and shoot at it on the way down. She almost had her coat on and would have been heading to Lowe's to buy another one but I pleaded for mercy for the stupid thing. It was a good thing she wasn’t near the gun safe or we would have had to give the blamed thing a decent burial.  

Though it didn't make any sense that the dryer wasn't drying properly, only one item on the protocol list did require a re-think: clogging. Though the rear vent had been checked for obstruction, the blower itself had not because it required taking off the blower cover at the bottom. The odds were extremely high that it wasn't clogged. And, checking it required work which El Mecánico had deemed to be unnecessary at the time (and we just know how "convenience oriented" the Ol' Rancher is). No matter the thinking, there was only one option to save the big Maytag from great bodily harm: pull the front off and remove the vital organs….again (big groan).

By now, the Ol' Rancher could rebuild the dryer in his sleep. But, all of the work required to get this far had drained his energy ration for the day. So, despite the lack of energy for the exigent cause (and probably because Connie the Washer Woman was nearby to make sure that her recalcitrant dryer would be working that evening), worked progressed slowly but without delay. A mile-high stack of laundry is real motivator.

Long story longer....sure enough, after the blower shroud was pulled off, a huge ball of lint was totally occluding the blower vent. It was removed and the guts replaced, the tumbler was reinstalled, and the front panel and door were remounted. Day is done...like...done...really done. 

The tumbler is a bit of a bugger to deal with. It requires that you hold it in place and then re-mount the drive belt. That sounds easy and, technically speaking, it is. However, you must slip the drive belt around an exceedingly-taut idler pully which presents itself as a real tug-of-war. And, you get to do it with both hands...reaching to the back of the dryer....while lying on your side...mostly by feel since you can't see past the tumbler. Uh-huh. Wrestling a Wisconsin wolverine takes less energy. After that project, the Ol' Rancer had to resort to the Vulcan Couch Meld.

Peruano beans or New beans are our new friends

The other day (when lots of things happen around here), a nice big bunch of Peruano beans showed up at the rancho. The Ol’ Rancher is a big fan of legumes that go “bang!” in the night. So, since Peruanos have never been on the menu here, it was decided to have a go at taste testing the tiny time bombs. They have been on store shelves for years and years but there had been no real reason to buy them. But, they showed up here so it was high time to fire them up. 

Since these bonnie beanie babies (smooth off-white surface) are from south of the US, it was also decided to not use bacon, ham, or ham hocks for protein like what's normally used for pinto beans. Instead, an on-hand tube of Mexican chorizo was selected. Chorizo is a staple but it hadn't been used as an ingredient for beans before (chorizo is my friend!). So it was, off with the tube and into the pot with the lingering legumes. 

After a couple of hours of simmering, it was time for a taste test. Results? WOW! They're great (thank you, Tony the Tiger)! They have really wonderful mouth feel and, when paired with the chorizo, the result was impressive! After eating my fill, they were stowed for the night. This recipe will be etched into Rancho Relaxo's list of great things to eat! Next time, a different meat will be used and there is no doubt that it will be great!

Black beans and Rice or Beans are our Friends and Rice is nice

It must have been "gas week" at the rancho because the hankering for more frijoles hadn't gone away. Being the son of a “CIO” (a “California improved Okie”, in case you hadn’t heard), my genes must have kicked in because, at about the time the Peruanos were gone, the hunger for more beans was unabated. The very thought of ladling up more beans also evoked a strong yen for fried taters with a ton of onions mixed in. Since we just happened to have a huge supply of onions at the time, the game was afoot. 

At first, the Ol' Rancher was a bit hesitant about the spicing and ingredient mix. Along with the taters, the menu included Caribbean "frijoles negros" (black beans) that use cumin for spicing; they weren't the usual pintos. After remembering pairing potatoes (pappas) with cumin in Mexican cooking, and that cumin is used in chili beans, everything was just fine with the mental processing. White rice was also added so the meal would be complete. 

You would have thought that corn tortillas would have been unpacked, warmed, and handed out. Not this time. It was discovered that Caribbean cuisine doesn't normally use tortillas per se but rather a "roti" like flat bread. Using a tortilla would have aided the fusion cuisine attempt but I passed on it this time. Instead of tortillas, plain white bread and real butter were used (margarine is not allowed in the house since it isn't real food. Not even flies will touch it!). For those in the know, this makes for a delightful treat called a "fried tater sandwich". Oh, my! Was it ever delightful! This treat, with or without the black or pinto beans, will soon return to the menu! Make this note: Okie food and Caribbean food mix well. 

Our steps outside the culinary box were successful but, due to the Ol' Rancher being a Luddite with strict menus and recipes, that may be the extent of our "fusion cooking" around here for a while. But, this is Rancho Relaxo where....you just never know. 

Chickening Report or No mas pollos

Let’s take a running start on this. The Henhouse Hilton has been flooded for a couple of months. Not good…very not good. It is a place of constant hazard due to the deep thick mud and large lingering water puddles. This is because the temps are too cool to dry out the coop (even after two months!). This means that our bird herd would have to endure wet muddy feet all of the time when they are in the coop. That also means that they are subject to serious foot issues and who knows what else. The only option we had we had was to let them free range. Not only that, merely being in the coop is hazardous to whomever has to feed the birds and piggies (that would be moi). Entering the coop is kept to a minimum lest there be one butt short in the pews when church starts. It ain't safe in there. 

OK…let’s talk about free ranging. We love to let our birds out to free range for a number of reasons. It’s healthy for them since they can get more exercise than just being cooped up and it also increases their protein intake (which makes for luscious eggs!). Yet, there are some real downsides to the matter. One is predation. In the previous ten years, we've lost nearly one hundred birds (I didn't stutter) due to predation. 

Once was when we lost almost seventy at one time when a couple of the neighbor's Rottweilers got loose. They rounded up our birds and killed almost all of them for sport. Another time, coyotes took out a dozen in one week and a few now and again. Another reason is that they love to camp out on our back porch. Uh....if you know anything at all about inconsiderate, indiscriminate, indiscrete, unscrupulous, uncaring, and totally selfish chickens, you know that you don't want forty chickens anywhere near your house and much less on your back patio. The mess is indescribable. So, we are hesitant to allow our birds to free range. But, we were forced to do it because of the coop and because of the fact that there are pigs in the coop now.

The piggies had to be placed in the far back part of the coop where the layer boxes are because the rest of the coop is filled with mud and water. It's still wet back there but it's not as muddy and their food doesn't get contaminated. But, the layers can't get to their boxes so, you guessed it, we no longer have fresh eggs on hand. 

Our options were limited so a friend and brother, Scott, who has a ranch up in Yokhol Valley (ten miles north of us), when apprised of the matter, agreed to take the birds off our hands. He already has a bird herd so they'll be in good hands up there. We still have a a few roosters but they're now listed on "Craig's List" and "Next Door" so should be gone soon. A few hens managed to escape the purge so we'll see what happens with them. If the coop dries out, we can always find a way to shoo them in after we rehome the piglets. Perhaps we'll have a few fresh eggs after all. In any case, I'm no longer the Duke of Cluckingham. 

iPhone, you phone, we all phone home Or Bye bye old phone

Our old model 7S iPhone has been operating nominally since day one. The motto around here is, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it". However, the old communicator wasn't broken; it was worn out. The charging port/data port simply wore out and cables weren't making contact with. So, it wouldn't charge and you couldn't retrieve pictures and such. So, it was time to head to "Amazon" to order a new one. 

Amazon was chosen because the have a warranty and because the sell a tested product. The old phone was, in fact, purchased from Amazon. After a lot of hunting and tracking, a really nice iPhone 13 was selected. Even though it was a bit older, it was the highest performance iPhone of its time. The price? The price really was a tad higher than I wanted to pay but, all in all, I chipped for it. 

The bloody thing has a learning curve and old people hate learning curves. That means the old folks around here are swiping their....fingers off with a "swipe swipe here and a swipe swipe there". They are swiping everywhere! They should be expert swipers in no time (is this a good thing?!). The slightly larger screen is appreciated as is the larger data storage (128GB vs 32GB).

The coolest part about the entire matter is that you set the two phones next to each other, touch a couple of buttons, and the new phone sucks the guts out of the other phone and self-installs it in only a few minutes!! That's impressive! It didn't have a scratch on it when it arrived. In only a week, it looks like it had been drug through a swamp then dried with a hammer! A case was ordered; it came today. The old folks are looking forward to a long and happy relationship with this high performance rig. 

Fun fact: today's cell phones are far more powerful than the computers that ran NASA's space program until about the year 2000.

 So....there you have it: another short episode of the long happenings at Rancho Relaxo (aka “Dos Acres”): home of Rancho Ran, the world's least-most greatest authority: home of Connie the Canner, the world's greatest side-kook and CEE (Chief of Everything Else); together we are the Yo-Yo  twins who are always having to return to the rancho for something: home to one duck that we try to keep in a row (which is difficult since he's retarded): where the air always smells and where alliteration reigns supreme: where being modern is optional and where there are no slaves to fashion: where the eggs are always mostly fresh: where things can get...interesting: where it's all news to us, and where...you just never know.

Rancho de Cerdos y Pollos

 

Welcome to the "Rancho Relaxo" blog for January. Well...this month's edition is on time. That's by and large because I got a head start on things. Amazing. That, and I decided to just rest on New Year's eve and then again on my birthday, January 1st. It felt good to take a....day off!!! 

Winter is here but it isn’t brutal like some folks have it. We’ve had a couple of colder days but nothing unusual. We did get some rain and it’s greatly appreciated. Most of the precipitation hit the mountains and that’s great! Can you spell “snow pack”?! That’ll help us this summer and help to keep the trout from drying out in the creeks and rivers, don’tcha know. Our rain is what I call “soaker rain” which doesn’t come down hard like the “frog strangler” storms that they get in Texas and Oklahoma. Those storms pack a wallop and can dump more rain in half a day than we get in an entire year!! We're forecast to get at least three more days of rain soon so that'll be a real blessing! 

There is an inconvenience (for Rancho Relaxo) to deal with, though: ever lasting mud. It takes a long while to dry things our around here. With our clay-based soil, we have to make sure that our boots are secured because they can get stuck in the mud and come off when you least expect it! That makes working in the Henhouse Hilton a real chore. In the winter, it take twice as long to tend the bird herd than in summer. 

Anyway, the Ol' Rooster and Ol' Hen just wanted to share what's happening here at our humble rancho (which doesn’t even come close to meeting modern industrial standards) nestled in the just-about-perfectly-green foothills of the Sierra Nevada Mountains. Thanks for stopping in at Dirty Bird Central, the chicken ranch being run by two old turkeys.

Click on pictures to enlarge. 

The bird herd was allowed to free range the other day (when lots of things happen around here). For being stupid chickens, they do know from whence their blessings (aka chicken chow) comes. Here are a couple of my pecking pals who flew upon my shoulder to wipe their feet on my overalls and to capture my attention so that the Ol' Rancher will hand feed them. They need to unlearn those tricks. 

This isn't a rare phenomenon but it doesn't happen every year. This happens when the the surface temperatures and ambient temps are at a certain point which basically traps the clouds at a position above the ground instead of on it. At that point, we would experience fog. This pictures is looking north from Circle R. The hill where the cloud is is directly behind our house. Our place is at the bottom and can't be seen because of the trees that are in the way. You can barely see Dr. Falopino's house which is directly behind ours and up higher on the hill and slightly above the tree line.  

Anytime we have  half-mile or so forward visibility, I refer to it as "high fog". 

This...this is "Tule Fog". It's when you are not just "socked in"; it's when the sock is slipped over your head.

This is what the locals wait for every year. We need the snow cap to keep things moving down in the valley. The more snow we get, the less water we have to pump from the ground. Just as a reference, they've sucked so much agua from the ground that the valley floor has dropped anywhere from 3 to 10 feet in places! This shot was take eastbound on Highway 190 coming down off the Main Street overpass. The intersection ahead in the picture is Plano Street. Things are nice and green. We were really really tired of the brown and the dust. Breathing clean air is a good thing. 

This scrumptious looking plate of deserts is what we call "puttin' on the Ritz". Talk about a fast and yet great desert! Connie the Cooker pulled out her cache of Ritz crackers, slapped some peanut butter on them, and dipped them in chocolate! I eat butter crackers and peanut butter all the time but have never had anything like these! May I suggest that you get your maid to whomp some of these babies up. You'll be glad you did!

Tip O’ the Day

You’ll never have bacon if you don’t feed the hogs (the Ol’ Rancher).

  And, now a word from our sponsor:

This issue of Rancho Relaxo is brought to you by “Uncle Uriah’s Umbertated Ugalonas ”. Now, these are the best “Umbertated Ugalonas” that money can buy! You cannot...I say...you cannot get better “Umbertated Ugalonas” anywheres! And, folks, they're made right here in the good ol’ US of A. You can get your bountiful supply of “Uncle Uriah’s Umbertated Ugalonas” at the Wal-Mart, KMART, Speedy Mart, Rapid Mart, Save Mart, Quick Mart, and all those marts where those guys have them towels wrapped around their heads. Tell'em the Ol' Rancher sent you. You'll be glad you did!

Well, fry my biscuits and dip me in gravy! It’s January…again….so soon! Doesn’t that just put tears in your tacos? And, it’s only 357 days until Christmas! Where does the time go?! *SIGH*. Moving along……

Here, pig, pig, pig! Or The oinks are on us.

Not long ago, but longer than the other day (when lots of things happen around here), we got a really big surprise. We’ve been sharing our produce trimmings with a friend who raises pigs and chickens at his  ranch on Success Valley Drive (about five miles from us down by Success Lake). He asked us if we wanted a couple of three-month-old piglets! Now, just how can you refuse some ham on the hoof when it's free? He must have have known that free is my friend! 

We got them home and put them in the large cage that's inside the coop. That's the cage where we put the birds that out grew their hutch but are not quite big enough enough to release into the general population. When they're big enough to hold their own or at least out run the big biddies who rule the roost, we cut them loose to fend for themselves. It's now a pig sty but there's some explaining to do. 

Connie was quick to name one of them “Piglet” from “Winnie the Pooh”. Me? I ran across the name “Squealer” from a friend so, Squealer it is. We do need to be mindful how close we get to them, though, because our policy around here is that we don’t eat our friends.

OK. Pigs onboard and the chickens are doing fine. But, this is Rancho Relaxo where... you just never know. Things came unraveled fairly quickly after the first couple of days. It rained and the coop was flooded. It was already muddy because it hasn’t been warm enough for the coop to dry out. I could see that the coop was not going to be a happy place for pigs or peckers. 

For one thing, piglets need to be kept warm and that just wasn't going to happen. Though a small heater was placed at one end of the cage, the water was too deep and the piggies had no place to bunk at night that wasn't wet. And, the piggies rooted up the entire cage knocking the feeding box over and drowning everything in mud! UGH! This was fighting a war in which no one could not dictate the outcome. This made the Ol' Rancher far from being the proverbial happy camper. 

There were no options but one: take the piglets out of the cage and let them head to the back of the coop where it was a bit higher and dryer. Um....when was the last time you tried to catch a muddy slicker-than-snot piggy? Yeah...me neither. It took some really expert anticipation of where the lightning fast piggies were going to be in the next millisecond and some precise hand aiming involved but the little buggers were snatched out of the cage. The event was exhausting but at least it was a grand mess. Good thing we have hot running water for showers and a working washing machine. 

It didn't take long to make note that our newly-named pigs, Squealer and Piglet, are at least on the same level of being voracious eaters as chickens.

 Chickening Report

Speaking of voracious chickens, A half of a 50 lb bag of layer pellets was loaded into the chicken feeder that hangs from the ceiling of the coop. That’s not the usual practice but it was necessary because we ran short or “greens” for the birds: that and the floor of the coop was nothing but deep mud which would have wrecked the greens in only a few minutes. Our "Hoover birds" sucked up the bucket in only a day! Doing the math showed that, if they were fed a half a bag of pellets per day, it would cost us around 300 dollars per month to feed our feathery friends! It would be somewhat justifiable if we sold our farm-fresh eggs like we used to do (we used to sell as many as 5 dozen per day). If the layers were laying at all (and, for now, they're not) we would probably just break even on the deal.

But, that’s the rub. The chicken factory is on vacation. We haven’t had a single egg in at least…2 months! This has never happened to us before! I checked with dear friend and brother, Scott, who also has a bunch of layers, and he is experiencing the same things: no eggs for months. We've tried two separate brands of layer pellets but our birds also get plenty of layer pellets as a side dish. The hope is that they will pick up the pace before too awfully long. The eggs we have in storage will expire soon so a turnaround in this food chain scarcity is a must. (Update: we just got a dozen and a half today).

There is another concern. As chicken muster-master general, I’m concerned about having to clean the Henhouse Hilton because there’s likely going to be a biohazard fee when we leave for good (no plans so far but speculation is in the air). In a word, the place is a mess. It involves everything hazardous excepting ectoplasmic residue and nuclear waste. That's a plus. Actually, there may be a tad of overreacting but, for now, it seems like a huge concern. The opinion will likely ease up when the weather changes and the coop dries out. In any case, I don't want a herd of really, really, really dirty birdies on hand. 

This messy scenario isn't a new one but it is the most dangerous one. For one thing, the ol' rooster wrangler has to all but tippy toe through the coop (no tulips for now) because the mud is so deep. One misstep and there could be a medical emergency show up at no charge. Having already experienced such an event in 2014, there's no hurry to conjure up another one by trying my hand at mud surfing. 

So far, about the only thing I can do is set the piggies free inside the coop. We'll see. 

Connie the Canner Report 

A couple of weeks ago, Connie experienced a nasty forward fall. It was almost a face plant but, thankfully, her head and spine were not injured. What was injured was her back. The doctor has her on a muscle relaxer for now. We're going heavy on homeopathic remedies for now and it seems to be working. No analgesics except for Ibuprofen and sparingly at that. Her back has been slathered with Vicks and a special comfrey salve and even a splash of castor oil. She has been all but bedridden for the previous two weeks but, finally, was able to go to town today for a few hours. When she got home, she had to go straight to bed. She is getting better and everyone's prayers are greatly appreciated because they are working!  

As you can imagine, she is keen to get back in the saddle of her rancho and get back to freeze drying, dehydrating, baking, and doing all the regular chores that no one else around here can do. The Ol' Rancher can do the laundry and such so that helps. The big Maytag twins are operating nominally so that helps, too. 

So....there you have it: another short episode of the long happenings at Rancho Relaxo (aka “Dos Acres”): home of Rancho Ran, the world's least-most greatest authority: home of Connie the Canner, the world's greatest side-kook and CEE (Chief of Everything Else); together we are the Yo-Yo  twins who are always having to return to the rancho for something: home to one duck that we try to keep in a row (which is difficult since he's retarded): where the air always smells and where alliteration reigns supreme: where being modern is optional and where there are no slaves to fashion: where the eggs are always fresh: where things 

RANCHO MUY FRIO (VERY COLD RANCH)

 

Welcome to the "Rancho Relaxo" blog for December. Well...this month's edition isn't terribly early or terribly late. It was started on time but this is Rancho Relaxo where....you just never know.

 Things aren't quite as hectic around here now that the weather has cooled down. We haven't had to break out the heavy jackets yet. But, it's almost too cool because it takes forever for the water in the chicken coop to evaporate. It's actually dangerous in there because water and waste make for ice-like floors. That ain't good! In any case, we haven't run out of things to do around here. There's lots to do what with family, church, computers, chickens, and challenges of all sorts. 

It hasn't rained....again....but, we are having some of the usual winter "high fog". That's a lot better than the "Tule Fog" that can get really nasty at times (especially in the mornings and evenings and along Highway 99). I've driven in fog so dense that you have to stick your head out of the car window to listen for oncoming traffic because you can't see them. Really....who wants to be T-boned by an idiot who blows through the stop signs at your intersection?! Thankfully, we've only had a couple of mornings with "regular" dense fog. 

Anyway, the Ol' Rooster and Ol' Hen just wanted to share what's happening here at our humble rancho (which doesn’t even come close to meeting modern industrial standards) nestled in the dang-near-close-to-being-truly-green foothills of the Sierra Nevada Mountains (come on rain!). Thanks for stopping in at Dirty Bird Central, the chicken ranch being run by two old turkeys.

Click on pictures to enlarge

I'm still not at all sure why we were recently targeted by a mass invasion of turkey vultures. Rancho Relaxo smells but....not that badly!

To the right is a view of northbound Interstate 5 coming down the last hill of the Grapevine. The San Joaquin Valley is barely visible in the middle of the picture.

Here's a shot of breaking out into the valley. To those of us who live in the San Joaquin Valley, it's a very comforting sign that we are getting close to home. 

This is another attempt at the Ol' Rancher's "awful ice cream art". I'm not sure if I'm just naturally awful at art or I'm a brilliant artist who uses great talent to skillfully make such awful art. This one is called: "The Really Cool Soul Singer"....who has many personal problems. I tried water colors but...they just don't taste as good. 

This is an early morning shot of one corner of a small cemetery near Rancho Relaxo. We came to visit Connie's parents' graves. You can tell that we live in the foothills.  

Tip O' The Day

You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose. But, 

you can't pick your friend's nose. (anonymous) 

And, now a word from our sponsor:

This issue of Rancho Relaxo is brought to you by “Gertie Gordon's Gladded Gibber Gobbers”. Now, these are the best “Gladded Gibber Gobbers” that money can buy! You cannot...I say...you cannot get better “Gladded Gibber Gobbers” anywheres! And, folks, they're made right here in the good ol’ US of A. You can get your bountiful supply of “Gertie Gordon's Gladded Gibber Gobbers” at the Wal-Mart, KMART, Speedy Mart, Save Mart, Quick Mart, Rapid Mart, and all those marts where those guys have them towels wrapped around their heads. Tell'em the Ol' Rancher sent you. You'll be glad you did!

Well, tie me kangaroo down, sport! It's December...again...so soon! Doesn’t that just make you want to head to Oberpfaffenhofen and dine on kartoffelpuffer?! 91.6 percent of the year is gonzo! If that doesn’t just put cracks in your plaster, it’s only 19 days until Christmas!! Moving along.

Chickening Report or Power to the Peckers

My girls, known as the "Dirty Thirty", are all happy and healthy. Their appetites are still voracious and they tear into their groceries like professionals. I can’t help but think that they are recent graduates of the “The Power Pecker  Academy”. It's a real free-for-all at feeding time. You'd think that they were fighting for the last layer pellet in town! It's a no-holds barred, knock down, drag out bar fight when the chicken chow is presented. 

Very often, some of the birds think that they can command my attention so that they can be personally spoon fed. They fly up on my shoulder and start demanding food by pecking me! They do get my attention but it's a messy matter when the coop isn't dry because their feet are thick with mud and it ends up being smeared on me. On many occasions, the ol' rooster wrangler ends up looking like the loser at a cockfight. So, it was with much joy in the air when Connie the Washer woman found the Ol' Ranchers coveralls. That was the end of muddy rancher days. 

The problem is that the coop is muddy and can’t dry out because of the cooler temps. It may be a really long winter if the floor of the coop can't dry out. A wet coop is not a good thing because it's slicker than snot on a Teflon frying pan in there. That means the potential for Olympic Coop-nastics is rather high (you've never heard of the "splits and sprawl" event?). No one around here is looking to pick up a gold medal for anything that's such a painful and scene-stealing scenario; it just isn't welcomed at all. There was already a "practice event" in that category some years ago. The Ol' Rancher went down hard and wrecked some body parts that took awhile to recover from. There are ample enough opportunities for an early death around here without purposely trying to set a record in a chicken coop. 

A time to be born and a time to dry or It is a good day to dry

Quite some time ago (which is longer than a while back, which is longer than not long ago, which is longer than the other day), Connie the Washer Woman’s big beautiful Maytag Bravos dryer decided that it hated her freshly-washed clothing. So, it just up and quit its job. The symptom wasn’t much different than what happened when Big Bertha started “long batching” (taking too long to dry things). The matter was just ignored for as long as possible. After all, it was almost summer time so Connie the Washer Woman, not being unionized, just hung her clothes on the clothesline out back in her drying yard. 

Not being one to hurry a project, the matter was ignored until….the day of reckoning. That day, of course, was when the weather turned cool three months later and was no longer hot enough to dry clothes. That’s when the plaints began and the matter could no longer be swept under the dead dryer. That's when Connie, the washer woman, looked me straight in my pretty brown eyes (she says I have pretty brown eyes) and said: "The clothes aren't getting dry and we're not going to the laundromat". Ah, a clue. Sooooooo, you know who was tasked with the repair: the Ol’ Wrencher was called upon. No problema....the repair kit was ordered from Amazon.com and the race was on. 

In fact, since all of the sensors were cheap, the entire sensor suite and new igniter were ordered. All were replaced so that the 5 year old dryer (a Maytag but built by Hobart/Whirlpool which now no longer builds a quality product) wouldn't be disrupting our wash days again. The dryer was disassembled, the parts replaced, and then reassembled and a performance check made. Good to go! We now have clothes that are dried quickly without headaches involved. Thankfully, there was no alien tech needed on this dryer project.

Home on the Range or Bake it again, Sam

Since we’re talking about recalcitrant appliances, how about a story about our early ‘50’s O’Keefe & Merritt gas range and how the oven stopped working. You probably remember O’Keefe & Merritt from all those game shows back throughout the ‘50’s and ‘60’s. I bet they gave away a thousand of those things! Anyway, Connie the Canner wears a number of hats at the rancho and Connie the Baker is one of them. So, you an imagine how difficult it is when you are a baker (she was never a biker except in the deep south) and you don't have an oven! 

All the usual suspects were analyzed and it was determined that the gas safety valve had outlived the previous owners and decided to follow them into eternity. No problemo, says El Wrencho, the appliance repair hombre. Of course, he was absolutely correct. It's not a problem to look up the replacement part. Since it's obviously a vintage and highly prized valuable work of art, the small valve replacement cost was a mere.....500 dollars (it took a minute to haul my jaw off the floor after that bit of news)! For those who haven't checked the price of gas ranges lately, 500 clams is almost the price of a new range! The average price for gas valves is around 150 dollars. 

Anyway, old people have options (options are our friends). A local appliance pro was contacted and he recommended a specific replacement valve for our range. Super! It was ordered straightaway for the paltry sum of 169 dollars. When it was ordered, it appeared to be the correct one and it was certainly the one specified by the repairman. It was rather strange that the ad for the device didn't include fitting sizes but it looked about right. No go. When the valve showed up (thrown down in the dark alongside the driveway.....what's with that?!), an attempt to install it proved to be futile. It was quickly determined that the valve had 3/8" fittings and the range needed the same valve with 1/2" fittings. It was promptly sent back to Amazon and another one will be hunted down while we wait for the credit for the rejected one. 

Dry, Baby, Dry! Or Well...Freeze My "Werthers"!

Speaking of drying.....now and again, I reckon that you just have to up and go hog wild at home. Let’s start from the beginning. Not long ago (but longer than the other day), we were apprised of a practice that hadn’t come to mind and neither had it entered our little ol’ hearts. That is, the practice of freeze drying candy (it's amazing how much grandparents can learn from there grandkids).  OK…ahem. Freeze dry your meat, veggies, and some fruit, right? Freeze dry your candy?! Say, What?!

Upon hearing the testimony of our kids and grandkids, we opted to just give it a go and see what happens when you add more expense to already expensive candy. Hey, you only live once, eh? Plus, it’s nigh unto Christmas time and expensive candy as a gift surely will bring great delight to the fam.

Connie the canner is head of the freeze drying department so she filled a sack with candy from the "Dollar Store" (can't help but wonder if they'll change their name now that inflation has basically eliminated things you can purchase for a buck). There were "Skittles", some strange looking candy that no one has ever heard of, and a few other things that she felt might be edible after being tortured and reworked in the freeze dryer. Captain Sweetie (who takes steps like eating candy to maintain his sweetness, dont'cha know) made a suggestion that we needed to add a couple of bags of "Werthers" caramels just for grins. 

Being a natural inventor and tinkerer, the Captain couldn't wait to be the head taste tester for the candy factory. As you might guess, the results were...interesting. The "Skittles" blew up and became round bug-eyed balls of sugar. There wasn't much to distinguish them from DNA altered eyeballs. That's cool. The weird candy that can't be described was OK but the kids will get the lions share of those. The "Werthers".....that was even more interesting than we could have imagined. The individual caramel pieces expanded about 10 times or so their normal size. That absolutely flooded the trays with goop and stuck to the trays above them. That'll be the end of that experiment until a resolution can be found to keep the pieces from forcing a huge cleanup detail. Perhaps cutting the pieces in half would help. Don't touch that dial. 

In any event, the caramel was not unlike Taco Bell's cinnamon twists texture. They were feathery light and melted in you mouth and were delightfully tasty! They may even find themselves at or near the top of my favorite candies list!  

 Adios, Fuzzy or Dog gone

Fuzz Doggy Dog is my buddy but he had a couple of built-in quirks one of which pretty much assured a (relatively) short stay at the rancho. One was that he is a “diggity dog”: meaning that he loves to excavate places around the rancho while looking for those varmints we call “stinking gophers”. I laud his zeal and consistency but really don’t have much interest in following him around with a shovel all day and backfilling his hard work. But, that's not the straw that broke the camel's back. I wasn't going to ship him out for that and was just going to wait until spring to fill in the holes. No biggy. 

The big issue is that he’s a “scaredy cat” dog. Yeah…a big dog who’s too easily provoked into defending himself by growling and, if he feels threatened, by nipping at someone. That wasn’t on his resume’ when he hired on as a watchdog so it became a big disqualifier. This is especially true when you have seven grandkids at a time staying for a couple of days. Thankfully, we didn’t have any issues but we had to be mindful of the matter…or else. The actual "straw" was when "Farmers Insurance" summarily dropped our home owner's insurance after 25 years of loyalty. We have friends, family, tradesmen, and what all around here all of the time. If Fuzzy were to bite someone, we would have a really expensive mess to deal with. 

Thankfully, we found a genuinely “good home” for him and are sure that he’ll be treated as family with them. For a while, Princess Abbie won’t have anyone to chase and tussle with all day.  The hope is to find a slightly smaller doggie with a disposition like Abbie’s who will be another friendly greeter like she is. 

 Wedding in Corona or Blowing the rancho for a couple of days. 

Our nephew, Jimmy, got himself hitched down in Corona, CA (which is where he and his parents lived until they moved to Texas for obvious reasons). It was really cool to get to break out of the chicken race for a couple days! We hadn't had a break from the rancho since we took two days off to go to the coast more than a year ago! Even then it was a rush gig since we couldn't dally around but for a short time and then scoot home to pick up the pace again. 

Since he and his wife are professional videographers, the entire wedding and reception were taped. It was awesome as was the elegant reception meal they served. Connie had the chicken meal while I opted for the steak plate. 

It was obvious that the two "kids" were a great match and a lovely couple and we were exceedingly happy for them. We can hardly wait for the opportunity to become more acquainted with his beautiful wife! We just need to take another...day off...and make the trip. 

The best part, though, was that the five Freeman siblings were all present at the same place and at the same time! That hadn't happened in who knows how long! It was great! No one could remember the last time such a thing had happened! Everyone was all smiles!

We got to spend the most time with brother and sister-in-love, Roger and Charlotte. They flew in from Texas and stayed with us a few days. We had a grand time fellowshipping and eating (can't leave that part out!) the entire time. When they departed, they drove all over CA for a few days taking in sights that they had wanted to see. Charlotte, being from "back east", had wanted to see the giant Sequoia's and other places that she had only read about or had seen on TV etc. They finished their trip but were worn out like an old shoe. But, they were happy to have made it to the wedding and take in all the sights and travelling. Connie and I understood completely. We knew from experience that lots of driving makes for a lot of stress for old people who are sitting on a part of their body that’s already cracked.

Neither Connie nor myself have ever attended such a beautiful, fancy, and wonderfully extravagant event! It was conducted at a local golf course club house which had been configured for such a large events. It was great and we had a super time! 

Soooooweeeee, pig, pig, pig! or Ham hocks are us!

Guess which rancho now has two three month old piglets? Yep; you got it. Rancho Relaxo is now the owner of a couple of ripening pork chops. They came from a brother who is also a pastor and who raises pigs, chickens, and goats (which he recently sold off). We have been sharing the produce trimmings from a local supermarket with him because our chickens can't eat the larger hard items like hard squash, yams, bottle gourds, turnips and rutabaga, et. al.. Reckon we'll be feeding our almost-bacon buddies a lot of that stuff now. 

Connie the Canner named one of them "Piglet" from Winnie the Pooh and I have yet to decide what stupid name I can give the other one. "Pork Chop" is high on the list so far but it does lack originality. We'll see. They're in the big cage inside the chicken coop for now so stay tuned as to what happens next. 

The idea was to find someone who can raise both of them while we helped with the feed. Then, when they are ready to dress out, we would both have about 150lbs of fresh pork to put in the freezer. After that, it's fire up the BBQ time. We had a guy who was interested in them but he isn't equipped to keep them during the winter. The little piggies need to stay fairly warm when they are young and he isn't able to do that. I stuck a small heater in with them in their cage and they are fine with that. 

 So....there you have it: another short episode of the long happenings at Rancho Relaxo (aka “Dos Acres”): home of Rancho Ran, the world's least-most greatest authority: home of Connie the Canner, the world's greatest side-kook and CEE (Chief of Everything Else); together we are the Yo-Yo  twins who are always having to return to the rancho for something: home to one duck that we try to keep in a row (which is difficult since he's retarded): where the air always smells and where alliteration reigns supreme: where being modern is optional and where there are no slaves to fashion: where the eggs are always fresh: where things can get...interesting: where it's all news to us and where...you just never know.

Rancho Vago (Lazy Ranch)

Welcome to the "Rancho Relaxo" blog for November. Well...it's another surprise since this month's edition is even earlier than last month's. Wonders never cease!! Actually, I just started making notes earlier than usual instead of trying to pile everything on the desk and hammer from there. It's amazing what happens when you apply a little effort to being organized. This doesn't mean that things aren't hectic around here. There's lots to do what with the comings and goings and such. The temps are cooler now and Big Bertha, the freeze dryer, is back in operation. Anything around here that doesn't move after 30 seconds gets freeze dried.

 After the family from Texas departed, we had to get back into our normal swing of things. Fishing poles needed to be stored, the hide-a-bed had to be reconfigured, et. al.. You know the drill. But, we had a great time and have a lot of great memories and stories to tell! We're hoping to take a break this spring and head back their way if all works out. Lots of "what ifs" to think about. 

This region is still pretty dry but we were blessed with just enough rain to kick off a green spell around here (about 1”). There’s no wetness in the forecast that I can tell so it remains to be seen what this new “La Niña” will bring (and it doesn’t usually bring rain). As usual, we’ll enjoy the green even if it’s only light green and even if it’s only around for a short time. In any case, we’re absolutely enjoying the wonderfully moderate autumn days (thanks to “La Niña”) since we don’t need either the cooler or the heater to keep the old folks comfortable. 

Anyway, the Ol' Rooster and Ol' Hen just wanted to share what's happening here at our humble rancho nestled in the light-green foothills of the Sierra Nevada Mountains. Thanks for stopping in at Dirty Bird Central, the chicken ranch being run by two old turkeys.

Click on pics to enlarge

This is Abbie the pup about ten years ago. She came running up the stairs and into my office and looked at me while I was snacking. Her eyes say it all. "Say, you wouldn't happen to be through with that gorgeous ham sandwich, would you?". 

For the expats out there: here's a shot of the newly overhauled "River Island Golf Course". The bridges had to be rebuilt and the river banks were fortified. The greens were all replaced and reconfigured, too. They did a great job! This shot is from the clubhouse/restaurant. 

For the past couple of months, "Kentucky Dead Chicken" has been running super specials that the old folks just couldn't pass up. On Wednesdays, they offer a chicken fried steak special with mashed potatoes, gravy, and a biscuit for 5.99. A small senior drink is free! Talk about eating on the cheap! Of course, we had to have that at least a few times. Since we have Bible study Wednesday mornings, we  head to KFC for lunch. If we want to change the menu, we pull out the coupons for the breast, biscuit, mashed potatoes (or fresh fries), and gravy deal for...4.99!! If it appears that we are missing at any time, check at KFC first. 

Our diggity doggies frolic daily to see just who's boss of the rancho. Here's the much bigger Fuzzball allowing Princess Abbie to remain the supreme ruler around here. He does obeisance regularly but, for his ego's sake, she does allow him to win sometimes. 

Connie the Dehydrator broke out one of her dehydrating units the other day. She's getting prepared for winter when she has more time to "put up" stuff for storage. Big Bertha is also being put to good use. Busy lady, that gal! 

This my first attempt at spooky "ice cream art". So far, it seems that the ol' ice cream licker isn't quite ready for prime time. No problem. It was promptly removed from display by licking it to death. 

Wanna see what's left of my soup?! It may seem incongruous for a Luddite like the Ol' Rancher to tinker with exotic things like "Moroccan stew" but that's exactly what happened. A couple of "bottle gourds" showed up at our rancho and it was the first time that either of us had ever seen one. When the great oracle, Google, was consulted, it was determined that it was an edible "bottle gourd" that is quite common in the Mediterranean region. When the oracle was yet again consulted, a recipe appeared and, guess what? All of the ingredients to brew up a "Moroccan stew" were on hand! Time to fire up the O'Keefe and Merritt range! 

After some chopping and mixing of ingredients, the stew was simmered for about an hour until the hard gourd was wonderfully tender. 

The big surprise was the taste of the garlic, paprika, and cumin spice mix. It was thought that the cumin would overpower everything but it didn't! It was amazing! The great news is that you can use any squash and/or potatoes that you want to. Squash is something that we almost never run out of here. We have                                                                         Zucchinis, Mexican squash, yellow crookneck squash, choyote                                                                   squash, butternut squash, acorn squash, and even eggplant with                                                                  which to work. And, work we will! This soup really hit the                                                                          spot! 

Recipe: 

Moroccan Bottle Gourd Soup

Medium Onion (or or more if desired)

1 can Diced tomatoes

1 can cooked garbanzo beans (rinsed)

Cumin (tablespoon)

Paprika (tablespoon)

Salt (to taste)

Chicken stock (optional but advisable)

Can be made with eggplant, zucchini, yellow neck squash, potatoes, or any combination thereof.

 Tip O’ The Day: “You’re never in the way of someone who isn’t going anywhere” (anonymous but probably the Ol’ Rancher)

 

And, now a word from our sponsor:

 This issue of Rancho Relaxo is brought to you by “Audrey Adams’ Azerdadded Abernated Amaladas”. Now, these are the best “Azerdadded Abernated Amaladas” that money can buy! You cannot...I say...you cannot get better “Azerdadded Abernated Amaladas” anywheres! And, folks, they're made right here in the good ol’ US of A. You can get your bountiful supply of “Audrey Adams’ Azerdadded Abernated Amaladas” at the Wal-Mart, KMART, Speedy Mart, Save Mart, Quick Mart, Rapid Mart, and all those marts where those guys have them towels wrapped around their heads. Tell'em the Ol' Rancher sent you. You'll be glad you did!

 Well…..kiss my babushka and call me Ivan! It’s November….again….already!! 83.3 percent of the year is gonzo! If that doesn’t just nuke your burrito, it’s only 53 days until Christmas!! Moving along.....

Surprise! Surprise! Surprise! Or Look Who Just Showed Up!

The excellent time with the Howden family left the old folks a bit tired. It had been a long three days but they were great and memorable ones. With hugs all around, they left and headed north to Yosemite for a wedding event in a couple of days. 

The next day, we had a deep desire to sleep to the crack of noon but needed to greet the morning at 6AM. We were bushed and my dopamine was dwindling. But, the itinerary for the day included a 37 mile drive to the “Big Bear Restaurant” in Tulare (Tulare Ave right at 99 Highway) for breakfast with Connie’s younger daughter, Brandi at 9AM. She was headed to the same marriage event that Trixie and fam were going to but wanted to check in here first. Time to light the fires and turn the tires. 

We got settled and were having a great time chatting since it had been about 4 years or so since we had seen her. But, little did we know about a surprise that Brandi had conspired to bring about with the other siblings. Tracey, Connie's middle child and only son whom we hadn't seen in over a year, showed up for breakfast! Boy, was she surprised! We hadn't heard that he would be able to attend the wedding so it was a shock to get to see him! We ordered our meals then continued to gab for the next couple of hours. 

My choice for breakfast was the Huevos Rancheros (Mexican style eggs with salsa) while Connie the Canner dug into the scrumptious Black Bear pancakes. I've never been disappointed at any time with Black Bear's menu but this time was different. The dish wasn't bad but it was terribly uninspiring. It was strange given that most of the cooks were Hispanics. Next time, I'll just order my regular tummy filler of biscuits and gravy or chicken fried steak. No one left the place hungry. 

After the great breakfast and after huggies all around, Tracey and Brandi headed north on 99 for Yosemite for the big event there. We headed 10 miles north to Visalia to do some shipping in a "real town". Finally, and totally exhausted, we headed home and arrived at about 6PM. It was beddy-bye time at around 9PM but we had a great time!

Retro breakfast or Eating the ‘50’s

I’ve known for about six decades that the “old folks” had a penchant for eating breakfast for the evening meal. It was an old practice when I was young, in fact. We've done it a few here at the rancho though it has been longer than a while back since the last time. So, we thought it to be culinarily expedient to employ the vintage practice of fixing an evening breakfast.

For some time, the Ol' Rancher has wanted to test a recipe that had been roaming around inside his hat for a long time. It's basically a German/Polish "latke" recipe which was modified to fit into breakfast as southern hash-browns. It was quick and easy as a falling off a large dill pickle. 

The key was to not use as much flour as a latke and only a single egg (I make large portions) and then to fry it in lard. Some latke recipes call for two eggs but this was an experiment. The potatoes were grated, rinsed, dried, then fried. Oh, my! What a treat! Even though they were cooked in lard, they weren't greasy at all and they were evenly fried (which was probably due to the huge stainless steel frying  pan). The texture was just perfect. Good stuff!!

Added to the delight was Connie's "granny cookin'" which was the "Black Bear Restaurant" buttermilk pancakes copycat recipe. Let me tell you, cousin; after adding a couple of fried eggs, we simply feasted like royalty! They don't make breakfasts this good at "Lorretta Lynn's" restaurant near Bucksnort, Tennessee! We'll be doing this again and soon! 

One Burrito, Two Burrito, Three Burrito, Four or Count Your Burritos; Name Them One By One

 There's a new burger joint in town just west of the high school here in Hooterville. It's located in the old "Long John Silvers" building at W. Olive and Villa. It's "Tasty Burger", which, for me, has a wonderful naive and nostalgic early '50's ring to it. It wasn't a full-on '50's joint like you find in a real town. But, it surely was close enough to be effective for Hooterville and company. 

We've been there numerous times and usually order the 20 peace chicken nugget and fries deal and a burger and fries for Connie. But, the other day (when lots of things happen), we decided to try their deep fried burritos. This was because they now have a daily "Happy Hour" between 2PM and 5PM and the burritos were half price. So, the price-conscious old people decided to give them a go. 

It has been awhile since I've fallen in love with a burrito (well...actually, this was my first time). There wasn't anything special about them. They were just red chili burritos. It's difficult to explain but it was just that they were freshly hot and they tasted great! So, for the previous three times we've been there, the burrito deal was what we ordered. Since they also have corn dogs on sale for the same price (2 for 1.99), we may stray off track long enough to see if we have any love left for corn dogs. The entire tab, including two soft-serve vanilla cones and a large diet Pepsi, was only 7 bucks and tax! We'll be back!

 

Skittle-dee-divy-doo and wouldn’t you?

 Disclaimer: I’m old and a tad behind the times (OK…maybe more like 5 tads behind). But, I’m catching up by "discovering" a delightful treat made from the colorful and wildly-sugary treat called “Skittles”. This multi-colored blood sugar booster came to America from the UK in about 1979 so they weren't really a strange attraction to old folks like us. However, the grandkiddies began talking about "Skittles" that had been strikingly reconfigured by astronauts who had left a bag of them in space (I could be wrong). We're talking about freeze-dried "Skittles". 

I thought it was a joke at first. Though it was new to me, I actually stumbled into them on the shelf of a nearby convenience mart just today! They're already on the market! Talk about being behind the times!

Not long ago, but longer than the other day, Connie the Canner appropriated a few large bags of "Skittles" and decided to freeze dry them for the soon-to-arrive grandkids. She distributed them on Big Bertha's 7 large trays, selected "candy", and hit the "GO" button. A couple of hours later, the candy dots had morphed into an entirely weird configuration! They had swollen to three times their normal size! These ballooned out treats looked a lot like an overly-stressed and traumatized Styrofoam eyeball! My lightning-fast mind said: "That's interesting". 

Now.....you just know that the old professional candy eater had to try some of those things. The expectation was that they would taste like sweetened Styrofoam but that wasn't the case. They were really good even with the strange texture. There wasn't a lasting impression made so they may not show up on the menu again until it's one of the grandkid's birthday or such (there are 16 grandkids so it probably won't be long!). 

Home on the Range or Ain’t no stove like the one I got

We love our big O'Keefe and Merritt range. The thing is almost as old as we are and it has become part of the family. It sports an oven and a broiler and has a big stainless steel griddle in the middle. Not long ago, but longer than the other day, the oven decided to just up and refused to light. That was odd because the pilot light was on; it just wouldn't come one. 

That presentation ruled out have a bad thermocouple so some thought had to be given to the matter. After a couple of days of pondering the matter and tinkering with it, the light came on: the thermostat was faulty. It took more than 60 years for the oven thermostat to fail! Amazing! Reckon that's why people bought O'Keefe and Merritt ranges and why game shows featured them as prizes all during the '50's and '60's. 

Simple issue, eh? The same OEM "Robertshaw" thermostats are still available today so it should be an easy fix, eh? Well....hold onto your blanket, chief! They want 500 dollars for an oven thermostat!! That's two-thirds the price of a new gas range!! I nearly swallowed my freeze-dried "Skittles"! 

Rather than dip into the savings, there's a bunch of stuff that needs to be sold on eBay. The proceeds should cover the cost. 

Dry Me A River or Don’t Despair! The Maytag repairman isn’t dead! He’s only sleeping! 

Early last month, Connie the Washer Woman's Maytag gas dryer went on the fritz and wouldn't dry properly. The in-house handyman wasn't able to get around to it so it languished a while as time dragged on. It wasn't a big deal since it was still summer time. She just hauled her wash out to the clothesline and hung them up there. But, what with the end of summer and cooler temps, it was time to address the matter and wake up the repairman.  

The dryer was disassembled and the sensors were tested. The faulty one was a heat sensor which tells the dryer when to shut off. If it's defective, the dryer will run and run and not dry. Instead of ordering the one part, the entire rebuild kit was ordered including the solenoid controller. Since the dryer is about 5 years old or so, it was a good idea to just do a bit of preventive maintenance so that there wouldn't be an issue for a long time to come. 

So....there you have it: another short episode of the long happenings at Rancho Relaxo (aka “Dos Acres”): home of Rancho Ran, the world's least-most greatest authority: home of Connie the Canner, the world's greatest side-kook and CEE (Chief of Everything Else); together we are the Yo-Yo  twins who are always having to return to the rancho for something: home to one duck that we try to keep in a row (which is difficult since he's retarded): where the air always smells and where alliteration reigns supreme: where being modern is optional and where there are no slaves to fashion: where the eggs are always fresh: where things can get...interesting: where it's all news to us and where...you just never know.