RANCHO PEEPO

 

Greetings and welcome to the "Rancho Relaxo" blog for Octobre. This month's issue is on time. But, just like the previous 180 months or so, things are still rather hectic around here. We're busier than a mosquito at a nudist colony. 

Anyway, the Ol' Rooster and Ol' Hen just wanted to share what's happening here at our humble rancho nestled in the dryer-than-a-ten-day-old-biscuit foothills of the Sierra Nevada Mountains. Like last month, we've had a break in the weather and are mighty grateful that the tar on our roads isn't flowing. But. we're sort of back to being normal again with high 90's and a few low triple digit highs for the day. Thanks for dropping in at the Rancho Relaxo happy huevos industrial complex. 

NOTE: click on pics to enlarge

Once in awhile, you simply have to conjure up a few things from the past: like this "SOS" dish that people either love or hate. It has been served up to our military since at least WW1 and shouldn't be a stranger to most households.

Hamburger gravy on toast wasn't a stranger in our house when I was young but it hasn't been a staple at all since then. So, it was time to do things up right and get back to basics. 

The proper name for "SOS" is "creamed chipped beef on toast". You use dried beef that's been chopped up and then add it to a simple milk and flour gravy. It just so happened that I had accrued a few of the small jars of the stuff so it was time to make this tasty recipe. Most likely, I'll use hamburger for the next go around. 

The (easy) directions were followed and the scrumptious meal ensued. The  toast was a tad overcooked but I actually like that so that's why you see a not-so-picture-perfect plating. Enough gravy was made to have a second meal the next day for lunch. My, but that's good stuff! 

You just never know what's going to happen next at a chicken ranch. This is an egg without a shell. It's absolutely perfect and complete except for the shell. The anomaly can be caused by malnutrition but that's been ruled out this time. Our birds are well fed with a diverse diet which includes egg shells that have been broken up and fed back to them. Since we have a lot of eggs, this one was mixed into the doggie's food bowl. 

This is the longest section of a 40'+ mast that will ultimately be used as the anchor point for one of my HF wire dipoles which will then be secured at the top  of my 60' crank-up tower. It will then be referred to as a "sloper" dipole because one end will be higher than the other. It will help to get my signal out of the "bowl" that I'm in at this location/QTH. NVIS ("near vertical incidence skywave") is a requirement here due to the mountains. 

Side note: I was using our (Longview, WA) W7DG ham club's stock 100 watt Kenwood TS830S transceiver in WA one evening and using the 80 meter "sloper" dipole antenna. I worked Pitcairn Island in the far south Pacific Ocean with no problems (4990 miles). My contact, David Christian, was one of only a few Ham operators on the island. 

Jim King, KJ6KK, gave me the mast and a ton of other hardware to go with it. He's downsizing and can't use it where he'll be moving to. Thanks, Jim! 

For the expats: this is the new county building at Main and Olive streets. It's where the old Porterville Hotel used to be prior to it's demise in a huge fire. Most people don't recall that the business that abutted the hotel was an auto parts store owned and operated by Ronnie Witzel. I haven't run into him lately but I suspect that he collected a decent insurance settlement and retired. He earned it. 

This is what happens when you aren't paying attention in a chicken coop. Our birds have hatched out a ton of chicks lately so the Ol' chick thief was focused on trying to distract the momma hen so that her day-old chick could be grabbed and hauled off. Just as the little ex-huevo was being picked up, a brooder in one of the upper laying boxes left off her brooding and donned her karate Gi and went to war. She came out of nowhere and smacked me upside the head with a furious flurry of feathers! At first, I couldn't figure out how an M1A1 Abrams tank had gotten into the coop without me noticing it. Then, since I was still alive, it couldn't have been a tank. So, then I couldn't figure out whose pet mountain lion I had infuriated. 

All ended well though. After suffering a puncture wound to the forehead and a bloody scratch down the cheek, I chose to concede while I was still breathing and exit the fray with the newly-hatched chick (fighting against two mad hens is not a fair fight!). As my old grandpappy used to say, "Pay attention, son, or some day a chicken may kick your butt". Add one more "character mark". 

This is Abbie who is looking at me askance for interrupting her nap in her carefully crafted dog wallow. Rather than go full crazy chicken on me, she decided to give me a pass since I've been spoiling her a lot lately. Bless her lil' doggy heart. 

Fuzz ball is doing well, too. He's a bit too happy tearing apart and scattering the cardboard boxes that I have to load up and haul off. But, I suffer long with him 'cause he's my buddy and a pal. 

This is another of our little peepers. I guess the old folks will never tire of all of the cute baby chicks. It really is a job to take care of so many of them but it won't be long until they're in the general population or at least in the "halfway hootch" in the coop. We have a nice 4' x 3' x 3' cage on legs that keeps the little ones who are too big to be inside until they can be released into the mayhem of chicken society. If we release them when they are too small/young, the larger birds will actually attack and even kill them.

Tip O' The Day: 

"If you swim with a friend, your chances of getting eaten by a shark will drop by 50%" (Anonymous)

And now a word from our sponsor:

 This issue of Rancho Relaxo is brought to you by “Pretty Patty’s Pebby Pabbers". Now, these are the best Pebby Pabbers that money can buy! You cannot...I say...you cannot get better Pebby Pabbers anywheres! And, folks, they're made right here in the good ol’ US of A. You can get your bountiful supply of "Pretty Patty’s Pebby Pabbers" at the Wal-Mart, KMART, Speedy Mart, Save Mart, Quick Mart, Rapid Mart, and all those marts where those guys have them towels wrapped around their heads. Tell'em the Ol' Rancher sent you. You'll be glad you did!

Can you believe it?! 82 days until Christmas! Unreal! And, it's only a few weeks until Halloween. There a lot of10 foot tall skeletons and ghouls sprouting up in people's yards around the area. Halloween is just around the corner. Before you know it, we'll be eatin' turkey, too! I swan (if you haven't swanned, you haven't yet lived long enough) that something is ripping a hole in the space-time continuum. Moving along....

Henry Henbanger II: Our big bad rooster, Henry, is the boss of the coop and he knows it. It’s been that way since he got big enough to kick the previous boss’ feathery fanny. It’s the “pecking order, don’tcha know, and now, he’s the head pecker. I let him strut tall and keep his beliefs so we've had a pretty good working relationship. There have been exceptions like his occasional bad mood or when he gets a tad too proud. Not sure what that’s all about but it could be that he hasn’t done enough crowing or such (though we are hatching chicks like never before).

The other day (when lots of things happen around here), while I was tending to the chicks parked in the small hootch in the coop, Ol’ Bang sneaked up behind me with the intention of reinforcing his dominance. He made a quick lunge at my leg so as to run me off. Thankfully, I was wearing floppy sweat pants and wasn’t injured (oh, yeah. A big rooster can easily draw blood). He’s done this a few times now and I do understand that he’s the “cock o’ the walk”. However, he needs to undo his ‘tude, humble himself, and sign the peace treaty or he’s likely to end up as the main ingredient of a combo meal some day...soon. He can be at peace and be a winner of he can be a 7 piece chicken dinner. 

Big Bertha or 'Tis the season to be freezin' - The other day (when lots of things happen around here), it was time to fire up Big Bertha, the freeze dryer. We had only used it for a couple of test runs after it was returned from the Utah factory (where its compressor was replaced) because the temperature in the garage was just too hot for it to operate efficiently. So, you can imagine the disappoint that Connie the Freeze Dryer suffered when the machine failed to progress past its initialization stag. This was very...interesting...since that was the same presentation when the compressor failed the previous time. 

It was even more disappointing given that she spent an hour or more slicing and preparing several pounds of bananas for drying. The "nanners" ended up being ruined since we couldn't do anything with them at the time. We're rapidly coming into cooler temps so the freeze dryer needs to be operational soon. 

The factory was contacted and a repair request ticket was  opened. They need pictures of the manufacturer's ID plate of both the machine and its compressor. This is the second major issue we've faced so far and we are not "cappy hampers", to say the least. Stay tuned for the remainder of this saga.  

Little boxes little boxes and they all look just the same: We get the produce trimmings from a local supermarket which helps us feed our bird herd a really balanced and healthy diet. However, you wouldn't even believe how fast boxes can multiply! We get from four to 16 boxes twice per week. Each of those boxes has to be emptied then cut down, stacked, and then, eventually, loaded into Wooley Pulley for a ride to the Springville Transfer Station 1.5 miles east of us. It takes a while but, eventually the trailer is loaded and we're off to the dump. 

However, this is Rancho Relaxo and you just never know what will happen around here. Not long ago (but longer than the other day), we need to make a dump run to haul off the boxes. But, the trailer was fully loaded by our grounds keeper with yard and tree trimmings. He had failed to empty it and left it loaded so that left you know who to do the back breaking chore of hauling it off and unloading it. That wasn't part of my agenda. In fact, that's why we hired the guy in the first place. The Ol' Rancher has broken his back (and other parts of his anatomy) many times in his life and he has declared an end to the matter: but not this time. 

After tarping the trailer down (or face a fine for not covering it), we hauled the thing down to the dump. On most occasions, the trailer is unloaded within about fifteen minutes or so. Not this time. Because of the huge load and the fact that it was comprised of different types of refuse, it took almost an hour of terribly strenuous pulling, tugging, lifting, untangling, and even handling small pieces at a time to unload (in the hot sun). It's been a while since the Ol' Rancher has been physically wrecked like that. But, there weren't any options. We needed to use the trailer and the grounds keeper wasn't available. It took a few days to recover but things are back to normal. Since that time, the boxes have multiplied into a huge mountain out back. Great. At least the trailer is available so they will be cut down, loaded, and hauled off soon. I'd rather be flying. 

Well....there you have it: another short episode of the long happenings at Rancho Relaxo (aka “Dos Acres”): home of Rancho Ran, the world's least-most greatest authority: home of the Yo-Yo  twins and  three ducks that we try to keep in a row (one of which is retarded): home of Connie the Canner, the world's greatest side-kook and CEE (Chief of Everything Else): where the air smells and where alliteration reigns supreme: where being modern is optional and where there are no slaves to fashion: where the eggs are always mostly fresh: where things can get...interesting: where it's all news to me and where...you just never know.

RANCHO AVANZADO

 

Greetings and welcome to the "Rancho Relaxo" blog for Septembre. This month's issue is about on time. Just like the previous 180 months or so, things are still rather hectic around here. We're busier than a kayaker in white water. 

Anyway, the Ol' Rooster and Ol' Hen just wanted to share what's happening here at our humble rancho nestled in the dryer-than-a-drunk-on-a-deserted island foothills of the Sierra Nevada Mountains. Like last month, we've had a break in the weather and are mighty grateful that the tar on our roads isn't flowing. But. we're sort of back to being normal again with only mid-to-high 90's and a few low triple digit highs for the day. Thanks for dropping in at the Rancho Relaxo global headquarters.

Note: click on the pictures to enlarge

We may as well start off with an "Awwwwww!" picture. This is one of our latest editions to the Henhouse Hilton. The decision to not have any more chicks just didn't hold up under such cuteness. A few of our working girls decided to go broody on us so we just let them have the way of all feathers and hatch their eggs. After this little guy, eggs were hatching out all over. We now have a dozen or so little birdies peeping away while the other birds are getting their two dozen or more eggs ready to join in on the hatch. They are all mix-and-match with their coloration. This is the only pure colored one we've seen so far. 

Here's a handful of some the other little birdies. You can see that their coloration is different. We've hatched 22 chicks in the previous 3 weeks! We weren't even trying to do that!! That's Connie, the "chicken granny" cuddling the little cuties. 

Since we're on the subject of chicks, here's what a barely- dry hours-old chick looks like on his way from the happy hooch to the ranch house kitchen. He's just one of our 22 new peepers. Replicas of his former lodging are in the background.

This is the shot of a real genuine "pile o' chicks". These are just from the past couple or three days. 

You may be wondering how we feed such a sizeable family of cluckers. Well...we do feed them layer pellets, chick starter, and food scraps, for sure. But, we get a huge helping hand from what you see in the back of our Coop de Ville. These are 11 boxes (sometimes 15 boxes!) of vegetable trimmings from a supermarket in Porterville. They are blemished and compromised in some way and there are also numerous dated items. So, rather than just toss them in the waste bin, they give them to us, bless their lil' ol' hearts! It truly does help with the upkeep of so many dirty birdies so that they have a super- healthy diet. That, of course, makes for really healthy and wonderfully tasting farm fresh eggs! Zowie! I tell my girls that they need to behave because they are pre-seasoned from all of the parsley, cilantro, and other spices they eat. They need to meet expectations or else!

Contrast the above load with this one. This is a bunch of the goodies we got at an estate sale not long ago. It's difficult to see but there are two Antron power supplies (20 amp and 35 amp), a Discone scanner antenna, coax cables of all kinds, three new mobile CB antennas, several "stingers" for mobile antennas (allows for tuning the antenna to a specific frequency), a couple of used CB antennas, a like-new noise bridge (helps to determine the resonant frequency of an antenna), a new digital power meter (tells you how much wattage your appliance uses which can also tell if the utility company is being honest with their readings). a vintage Knight tunable VHF receiver (late '60's), and a slew of other smaller items.  All at yard sale prices! Such a deal! Zowie x 2!

Shortly after the electronics haul, we went to another estate sale. I saw a handful of rods and reels in a bucket and asked what they wanted for all 6 rods and reels. He said, "Make me an offer that's too much for you to pay". I looked him right straight in the eyes and said, "I'll throw 20 dollars at you if you if you promise not to duck". He said, "Sold!". Now...as me and my wide grin were getting ready to haul off my well-bargained-for tackle, one of the other guys said, "Here....take these with you". He walked over and got the stuff you see in the picture! I was stunned as I stood holding on to 6 rods and reels! I walked off with 27 rods and 22 reels for.... hold on to your blanket, chief.... 20 dollars!!  Connie made a huge haul too for next to nothing! When I saw that these nice folks were in a good mood, I started making another pile and hauled off a ton of other goodies! We're both still sorting through stuff! Zowie x 3!

This is just a memento from "Quakesville, USA. Around here, if the dishes don't rattle, we don't pay much attention to earthquakes. This 5.7 shaker was about 85 miles south from us so we only felt a slight tremor here. We were in P'ville a few years ago when the big 7+ quake hit Ridgecrest. That one was about the same distance SW of us and it did more than rattle the dishes. 

Wanna see my Palomar RX-100 noise bridge? This little guy is an estate sale find and is a really handy gadget. It helps find the resonant frequency of an antenna. It generates a signal using a 9V battery. Then, you use it in conjunction with a receiver and adjust the knobs for an expected resonant spot for the antenna. You adjust the capacitance and resistance until you hear a null in the signal fed to the receiver. That gives you the resonant frequency of the antenna. It will                                                                                   either be below or above where the receiver                                                                               is set. You then adjust the antenna length to                                                                                 fit the desired frequency or "sweet spot".      

This picture was taken on August 4th. Anybody want to educate me on the principles of marketing as to why stores (Lowe's, in this case) starts selling Halloween stuff two months prior to the event? As an old fuddy duddy, I can proudly say: "They didn't do this in ' 56". 

 

Here's another super yard sale find. These are two like- new large folding/collapsible chairs especially built for us old "Crisco Kids" (fat in the can). You wouldn't wouldn't even believe the deal we got on them!

This is for the expats: this is "Sequoia Dawn" apartments in Springville. It used to be the country TB Hospital but was converted to an apartment complex. The place was all but falling apart so they overhauled it and this is the result. It's difficult to see but the exterior paint job is really nice. I've not been inside so I can't report on the interior. Given what the previous interior looked like, absolutely anything will be an improvement (including a tornado).  

                                                                                                                                                                                        

 Tip of the Day:

“If you ever get caught sleeping on the job, slowly raise your head and say, "In Jesus' name. Amen’” (Anonymous…but it wasn’t Jesus).

 

 And now a word from our sponsor:

This issue of Rancho Relaxo is brought to you by “ Quiet Queenie’s Quivvy Quavvy Quove Quobbers". Now, these are the best Quivvy Quavvy Quove Quobbers that money can buy! You cannot...I say...you cannot get better Quivvy Quavvy Quove Quobbers anywheres! And, folks, they're made right here in the good ol’ US of A. You can get your bountiful supply of  "Quiet Queenie’s Quivvy Quavvy Quove Quabbers" at the Wal-Mart, KMART, Speedy Mart, Save Mart, Quick Mart, Rapid Mart, and all those marts where those guys have them towels wrapped around their heads. Tell'em the Ol' Rancher sent you. You'll be glad you did!

Rancho Relaxo Report:

Well, gish-gash, the gilly-gosh, gee-haw! It’s September…already! Doesn’t that just flick your Bic? Our spring cleaning isn't even finished yet! *SIGH*. Moving along....

We are doing well and getting things done (though tired and needing a nap a lot). But, there's just too much for one (old) person to do. It seems that gravity has increased to the point that the ol' dude can barely lift, shift, rack, pack, and stow stuff. There were no such thoughts about the matter only a few odd years ago. 

A man and his crew had to be hired so we could expedite the straightening out of the ol' rancho (did I mention spring cleaning not being finished?). This is, in fact, the main reason we are lagging behind on our vacation schedule. Our plans fell apart like a snot-filled Kleenex. We're now without plans or a schedule and have no idea if or when we can get out of Dodge for a spell (I'm up for two spells). 

The idea was to get things spiffed up around here prior to our departure from "Rancho Tasko" and enjoy some much-needed time off. We didn't want to return exhausted and  look forward to a ton of work. Working while exhausted is not allowed at this time. 

That's not to mention having the 8' x 8' x 3' garden boxes refurbished and in shape for the next growing season. It's not likely that you remember that, four years ago, we filled our boxes with compost and had a smashing bloom that spring. But, as the crops began to produce fruit, something began to destroy them! We couldn't immediately determine what it was so the great oracle, "Google", had to be consulted. 

The results were that we had a massive fungal infection. That meant that our new compost was wrecking the garden! We've let the ground grow follow for all this time thinking that the fungus would likely just up and die without water and being subjected to the searing summer heat. Since that really isn't all that scientific, it was decided to just strip off at least 20"-24" of top soil and dump new compost over the old dirt (hoping that the fungus didn't penetrate below that level). That there is what they call a "chore"! 

The compost we previously hauled in 8 years ago was from a big Tulare County composting station on Lover's Lane near Visalia and just down the street from the "Shannon Brothers Trucking" yard (for all you old lovers of gorgeous, bright yellow, KW day-cab tractors with chrome wheels). It wasn't all that expensive (then) so we (i.e. me and my shovel) filled the top 1/4 of the boxes with fresh compost. That has to be stripped off and the new composted tossed in. My "toss'er" is busticated so, the plan is to hire a strong back to do it for us. 

Chickening report:

Chicks galore or Chicks are busting out all over: There really were no plans on kick starting another batch of chicks. It just sort of happened. There were plenty of eggs to go around even after Connie the Canner/Dryer/Baker stored up a ton of them. During one of the days that the Ol' Egg Man's brain cells weren't shaking hands, some of the girls were allowed to continue to brood. It wasn't long until chicks were hatching out all over! The size of our bird herd doubled in just a matter of about a week after the three weeks gestation period. So much for that "brilliant" idea. 

Nature has already decided that about half of the chicks will be male. So, we may make "meat birds" of the males (if we don't make pets out of them) and keep the females as replacement layers as our other birds retire. A few birds were lost some months ago so the new ones will come in handy, I suppose. 

The Phoneless Home or No Phony, No Baloney: Our phones are an important part of our life but, sometimes things don't go well with these new-fangled and ornery things. So, being ripped up and transplanted from the comfortable past and forced into our current-yet-futuristic time line seems to happen at the old folks' home all of the time. This proves to be a very uncomfortable thing especially when dealing with "tech support". So it was with our recent "fix the dang phone or we'll throw it out the double-danged window" episode. 

Our home home phone went down so it needed attention. After multiple failed dealings with the sub-average IQ script-reading non-tech tech support offered by AT&T, we had had it; we up and pulled the plug on the home phone and forged a "Plan B". 

It began with a seemingly benign issue. The modem box for our home phone failed. This was after dispensing with the hard line phone service (way too expensive) and going to wireless (a modem is still required but it was cheaper...cheaper is our friend). OK...I've dealt with cheap Chinese junk that is engineered to fail so "Tech Support" was called. "We don't make those any longer but you can get a used one on eBay". WHAT?! I can't another modem and no further help? My temptation was to respond and say, "So.... I guess I get to be a Verizon customer tomorrow, eh? I bet I get a modem within three days". I'm not sure, but I think I regretted not saying that. 

What is interesting is that the modem continued to operate intermittently for another few weeks until it lost all of it's remaining electro-sanity and its EEG flatlined; all positronic brain activity ceased. So, we brooded over that for awhile (we live on a chicken ranch. What else did you expect us to do?). 

After some thought on the matter, it was decided that, if we could keep the land line number that had been in service for 30 years, we would just switch to a cell phone. After a 40 minute in-store wait, we got an answer. "Sure", said the nice lady (this time...long story...but one which tempts you to switch to Verizon) at the AT&T office in Hooterville (I'm a native so I can get away with calling it what it is). 

Wouldn't you know that the med-kit and Novocaine should have been brought along because we initiated a whole lot of grief and tooth pulling. This subsequent mess did actually have us thinking that we have been dealing with the wrong phone service provider. I had to remember that patience was a virtue and that the physical removal and examination of someone else's brain for functioning cells was not. 

We sat through the hour plus session of switching our land line number to a cell phone and cancelling Connie's old cell number (it was mostly used for a back up phone anyway). The manager of the store slapped in a new SIMM chip but couldn't get our phone registered on the network. She assured us that  we could go on home and it would be initiated within a short time. That didn't happen. Great x 2.

Two days later, we tried again but were advised that no further assistance was available at the local level. Great x 3. So, the non-local support was called. After....30 minutes....of waiting for help, the first tech consumed an hour of our time to reach the conclusion that she would have to escalate the matter to the next level. Great x 4. After a 10 minute wait and 40 minutes with Tech #2, he advised that he had to put us on hold. Much to my concern, the call was dropped. Great x 5. My lightening fast mind was singing, "Hey, Verizon, here I come. Right where I  should have started from" (think, "California here I come..."). Not wanting to be mocked another time, no further attempt was made to straighten things out that day. 

Then next day (when lots of things are about to happen), another call was made. Fortunately, the wait time was only about 15 minutes or so. The low-level devil I talked to was given the skinny as to what was happening so my call went straight to an "expert". That wasn't my opinion; that was his opinion! I know that because he told me he was an expert! No joke! I don't know why but I just knew that this guy wasn't an expert and that he had just graduated from the AT&T's Chinese "Fix-a-Phone" class last Tuesday. 

I advised him that we have a network connectivity issue because that's what the phone was telling me was the issue. Ignoring the issue and facts, he blathered on and on and must have slobbered a cupful of his expertise and pride into my ears. He led me in another direction altogether. After 20 minutes, he placed me on hold. Why, oh, why did I know that my call was going to be dropped? Yep...the call was dropped. Great x 6.

We'll , I'm up for a good joke now and again but being the continuous brunt of a very bad joke for days on end doesn't tickle my fancy or any other part of my being (I'm not even sure where my fancy is located). Anyway, without so much as cussing in German (it can be done but my German teacher said that, even the Germans use English to cuss someone out since there's just no better way to do it on the planet), I shut down the anger shop for the day. Great x 7.

New day: We had to go back to town the next day. So, despite being told that there would be no help from the local phone bots, we drudged through the door of the ATT&T store. We knew full well that we would have to wait in line for at least 30 minutes prior to getting help and that's what happened. An explanation was given as to why we returned. One of the agents headed to the back of the store and returned with a new SIMM chip. 

The new chip was installed and the iPhone was rebooted. The bloody thing worked in spite of days of expert help!! Whaddayuh know! But, just when we were about ready to break out the joy, the agent said, "OK, it's working now. It's five dollars for the SIMM chip". FIVE DOLLARS FOR THE SIMM CHIP?! I've gone through days of grief and torture for the privilege of remaining an AT&T customer and even upgraded my service only to find out that you're going to stab my already bloody soul with a five dollar charge for a SIMM chip! Great x 8!. 

My lightning-fast mind immediately thought of three hundred places on the human body where I could permanently implant a SIMM chip before casually driving toward a Verizon store. Thankfully, the "longsuffering towards idiots" button was pushed and the room temperature dropped back to normal. 

Long story longer: we kept the home number, dropped Connie's old cell number, and upgraded my cell up to "Unlimited". A real cell-of-a-deal, if you asked me. 

If you can’t glue it, screw it. The other day (when lots of things happen around here), our “junk drawer” fell apart. You know what I mean; the drawer where you can find everything from a floor jack to a “plumber’s helper” and at least one of every sized screw, nut, and bolt, ever made. The 30 year old plastic drawer glide mounts had failed (maybe the 50 lbs of junk in the drawer had something to do with it) and Ol' Rancho Mechanico was called in to help. 

Usually, the remedy is to just pull the old glides out and replace them. There wasn't an immediate replacement set of mounts available and we weren't about to drive to town that day (i.e. we'll wait until we usually go in like on a Wednesday or Sunday). Ah, but this is Rancho Relaxo and you just know that there is a "Plan B" back up just in case (just in case someone gets "convenience oriented" and doesn't want to expend a ton of labor). 

The plastic mount had cleanly fractured which left an opportunity for repair. The big tube of commercial "Super Glue" was grabbed along with a couple of ratchet clamps and the rail was good to go the next day. Who knows if the repair will last but we saved 10 bucks and the Ol' Rancher's  back (climbing under cabinets is not a regular practice at our house). IF the repair holds, well and good. If it doesn't, then we'll grab a new set of drawer glide mounts and start screwin' instead of gluin'. 

Lay a little Lava on yuh  or Ain’t no clean like Lava clean: Some years ago, I was reintroduced to an old product from my childhood: "Lava" soap. We got a few new bars from an estate sale/yard sale so I put it to work. Talk about being astounded! I had totally forgotten just what it was like to actually have clean hand!! Sure, the mud and muck would come off using "regular" soap. After using "Lava", it was "sign me up for a lifetime membership" time! It has "pumice which introduces a light abrasive action and it cuts through the crap right now. There's no describing how your hands feel after not being "squeaky clean" for so long. You can actually see the grime wash off and down the drain. No joke. So, do yourself a huge favor and grab a lot of bars of "Lava". You'll be like the Ol' Rancher and be glad you did (disclaimer: no money was made off of this commercial blurb). 

PS Yes, you can get your hands "Boraxo clean" too because Boraxo uses the same abrasive principle. It's really good stuff but it isn't quite as easy to deal with since it's a powder. But, if you just really need to get rid of the grit and grime, these products will not disappoint. 

Ham Radio Update or Up in the Air: If you've been following the RR blog, you know that the ham tower is about ready to be raised. There have been a number of obstacles to overcome but most of them have been remedied. 

For one thing, there was a lot of shrubbery, plants, trees, this, that, and whatever, in the way. All that has been removed. The concrete base was established some months ago. Now, we're trying to figure out the easiest way to raise the tower without attaching a snatch block to the barn. Then, the tower will have to be pushed up or some sort of rear support will need to be establish for leverage. Hardware supports will be attached prior to raising since they'll be the anchors for other wire antennas. 

The antenna to be mounted will be the  OCF (off-center fed) Windom dipole rigged as an 10M through 80M “sloper” dipole. One end will be attached high on the tower while the other end will slope to the SE and will be attached to a mast that's anchored near the driveway of the house. This configuration will help with the NVIS (near-vertical incidence skywave) dynamic required to get my signal out of the “bowl” we’re in (surrounded by hills/mountains on three sides). 

 Well....there you have it: another short episode of the long happenings at Rancho Relaxo (aka “Dos Acres”): home of Rancho Ran, the world's least-most greatest authority: home of the Yo-Yo  twins and  three ducks that we try to keep in a row (one of which is retarded): home of Connie the Canner, the world's greatest side-kook and CEE (Chief of Everything Else): where the air smells and where alliteration reigns supreme: where being modern is optional and where there are no slaves to fashion: where the eggs are always mostly fresh: where things can get...interesting: where it's all news to me and where...you just never know.

RANCHO MUCHO TRABAJO

 

Greetings and welcome to the "Rancho Relaxo" blog for Agusto. This month's issue is about on time. Just like the previous 120 months or so, things are still rather hectic around here. We're busier than a sea lion in a sardine cannery. Anyway, the Ol' Rooster and Ol' Hen just wanted to share what's happening here at our humble rancho nestled in the toasty-brown tender-filled foothills of the Sierra Nevada Mountains. We've had a break in the weather and are mighty grateful that the tar on our roads isn't flowing. We're sort of back to being normal again with only low triple digit highs for the day. Thanks for dropping in at the Rancho Relaxo global headquarters.

Click on pics to enlarge:

Surprise! This is what greeted that OL' Rancher when he  checked on the chickens this morning (Monday, 8-5-24). We have two brand new little birdie buddies. Most likely, we'll have one or two more in the morning. It really wasn't a surprise. Two biddies were brooding over the same batch of eggs (almost 20 of them!) for three weeks, now. So, it was a forgone conclusion that there would be some new "peeps" happening soon. 

Wanna see my big ol' rooster? This guy is a real humdinger! Look how big he is! He's so large that he can't fit in a KFC pressure cooker! I love this bird. He's just such a handsome fella! He executed a forceful coup in the coop and overthrew the previous "ruler of the roost" and became the "cock o' the walk". The other rooster, a beautiful Ameraucana, was sold to a lady in Visalia. He was so intimidated that he couldn't join the general population for fear of getting his feathery butt kicked! As much as I dig this gorgeous critter, he'll need to go on down the road. Being handsome isn't exactly a way to earn your keep at Rancho Relaxo. 

 

RATS! The other day, our A/C stopped working. Thankfully, Ol' Swampy, the evaporative cooler, was still on the job so we kicked it on to help combat the heat. We thought about swapping our old unit out for a newer one but that was going to be a rather spendy matter. One A/C repair outfit advised that they could perform a swap out for 600 dollars plus refrigerant. Well...the refrigerant is...gulp!...100 dollars per pound and it requires up to 10 pounds of the stuff to recharge the system! YIKES! They then stated that they could probably fix it for about 600 dollars by replacing the "pump down switch". So, we called another company and, lo and behold, they found that the issue was the wiring that the rats had caused by chewing on the wires and creating a loose wire (which controlled the switch). The fix 

was 300 dollars instead of a lot more! We are now                                                       keeping the old people cool again (this is a "NO                                                           SWEAT" zone!)!

 

Just tossing this one in for grins. This is a huge /American flag flying over one of our strip malls in downtown Porterville (Olive and D Streets). God bless the USA!!

Not long ago (but longer than the other day), we had to make a run to the "real" town of Visalia. On the way over, we stopped for lunch at "Boss Hoggs" restaurant in Farmersville (about 5 miles east of Visalia). I was in the mood for their chicken-fried steak but didn't particularly want the baked potato. I asked if I could substitute French fries and the nice server said, "Yes. Of course!". I also asked if she could drown my steak in gravy to make sure that it was good and dead. She said, "I sure can!". So, this is what ended up in front me holding my nice clean fork. I really shouldn't have eaten so much but I  justified my gluttony by reasoning  that we only get over this way on few occasions and I could also just skip a meal the next day. Reckon it worked because my conscience was clear all day. 

Tip of the Day:

"Good advice is often annoying. Bad advice never is" (old French proverb)

 

 And now a word from our sponsor:

 This issue of Rancho Relaxo is brought to you by “ "Eloquent Ella's Emmer Ebber Edders ". Now, these are the best Emmer Edder Ebbers that money can buy! You cannot...I say...you cannot get better Emmer Ebber Edders anywheres! And, folks, they're made right here in the good ol’ US of A. You can get your bountiful supply of  "Eloquent Ella's Emmer Ebber Edders"” at the Wal-Mart, KMART, Speedy Mart, Save Mart, Quick Mart, Rapid Mart, and all those marts where those guys have them towels wrapped around their heads. Tell'em the Ol' Rancher sent you. You'll be glad you did!

Well....it's August and we're not only hot around here, we're busier than a hot dog stand at a baseball game! And....it's only 140 days until Christmas!! What's with that?! Didn't we just stow the wreaths and lights a few days ago? Sheeese! OK...enough carping. Moving along....

 The ol' rosster and ol' hen had to slow down a bit a couple of weeks ago. We had a case of the "draggies" where we didn't seem to have enough energy to heft a marshmallow above cup level. It could have been a cold since there was some minor coughing involved. Whatever it was, it wasn't very serious. So, we just took a couple of days off so we could catch up on doing nothing. That felt good. 

Big Bertha Runs Again or Which Switch is Which?: Last month, Big Bertha, the freeze dryer, decided to up and quit working. We try to pamper her by not overworking her so we do expect her to stay with the program and earn her salt. But, she was acting like someone slipped her a hundred mg of Thorazine. It was “lights out” for her. Her screen went blank and nothing could wake her. The dedicated 20 amp circuit breaker was double checked but it wasn’t at fault (some may catch that).

Harvest Right (the manufacturer) was called and a service ticket was filed. They called us back in a few days and the hunt was on for the culprit. The nice lady, Maria, had me shuck the back panel and then pull the jumper wire from the switch which then bypassed the switch and fed current directly to the machine. Lo and behold! She fired up straightaway! How wonderfully simple! Maria said she would send out a new switch as soon as she could. 

It came in about four days. So, when the e-mail was opened that morning which alerted us that the switch had been delivered by UPS, it was determined that it should be retrieved immediately so we could get back on track with our drying. 

Ah, but his is Rancho Relaxo where you just never know what will happen. When the Ol' Rancher went outside to fetch the switch, it wasn't there. That was interesting. A search was initiated and it was quickly noticed that there was packaging materials littering the front yard. It didn't take long to figure this mystery out. All it took was one look at a very guilty looking pooch sitting on the front porch. Fuzzy had immediately “taken delivery” of the package and even opened it for us (bless his heart). Anyway, the switch was recovered and taken inside for the next step. Good thing the switch didn't smell like a hamburger.

It only took a few minutes to install the new one and a few more to button up the back panel. Big Bertha is back in business! Well, it’s dryin’ time again…..(think Ray Charles).

Rancho Weedo

Lots of outside work to do around here. Most of the outside work that was supposed to be done during “spring cleaning” just didn’t get done. Most of the problem was that there are only twenty four hours in a day. The rest of the problem was that there were forty hours of work to be each day (that and there was a lazy rancher in the mix). What with all of this heat, it would take Superman to get most of it done in a reasonable time.

So, it was determined that, to try to overcome all of the inertia required to exit the the Ol’ Rancher’s “cool-as-a-clam comfort zone”, would be a waste of really-good-but-really-limited energy. Besides, there's "inside work" to be done, too and because of the heat, I still envisioned myself as having the strength of an un-weaned kitten. 

The solution? Hire someone who punishes and tortures himself for a living: the “yard work guy”. Time to rent some brawn. 

Thankfully, there just happened to be a new younger (than us) friend that has lots of muscles and who isn't afraid to swap sweat for shekels. Arrangements were made for him to begin the program of spiffing up Rancho Dumpo. When our helper is finished with the refurbishing of the ranch, our neighbors may think they have new neighbors and that the trashy old folks next door have moved to Texas (now, there's a thought). 

That was the correct decision because it has now been assessed that, not having a guilty conscience for exchanging money for comfort, is OK (as long as Connie the Canner doesn’t introduce me as “The Incredible Bulk”). Besides, Connie the Sew and Sew already made a really neat apron out of my Superman cape. 

In any event, this means that the Ol’ Rancher can conserve his exiguous super powers for a later date when the world needs to be saved (hope I remember Batman’s number. He’ll need my help, for sure).

This brings us to the conclusion which is that I love it when you can pay for someone else’s muscles. Of course, you always have to pay more for their muscles than you would pay yourself for using your muscles. I’m good with that. In fact, I think my iced tea tasted better, too. 

Dough Nots or No more dough for the dough!: The other day (when lots of things happen around here), we decided to take some donuts to my 95 year old mother. The best place to get them in Porterville is “Hergersheimers” (owned and operated by a Vietnamese family. Go figure) which is a small donut shop at Henderson Ave. and Porter Road at the strip mall there (“Franks” on Mill St. was another great place but they closed some years back). We hadn’t been there since before the insanity that started in 2020 so hadn’t kept up with the “price of rice”.

Donuts are not a staple at our place and never have been. On some occasions, we would grab a couple of them on the way to church and that was about it: a couple bucks and you’re on the road again. So, imagine, if you will, the shock on the Ol’ Rancher’s mug when he picked out two buttermilk, two old fashioned, and two plain glazed donuts, and the bill came to….$18.98 (try not to gasp. You’ll suck your donut down the wrong pipe)!

Folks.....this is more than "sticker shock". This is like forgetting to duck and walking smack into a low-hanging beam with your forehead. One dollar short of a twenty dollar bill! Sure, I remember the "dozen for a dollar" box of donuts. Sure, I remember when the "big donuts" were twenty-five cents each. I also remember when the big cinnamon rolls were fifty cents then, sometime later, a dollar. But...this!....this is way more than the "four percent inflation" that we were lied to about! The two chunks of sweetened dough we call "buttermilk donuts" were a tad less than four dollars each! In 2022, they were a dollar fifty! The "old fashion" donuts aren't big donuts and neither were the "plain glazed! They were two-fifty each! 

Needless to say, that'll be the last time I get donuts on purpose except, perhaps, for a special occasion (my mother's 96th birthday which is coming up soon). Donuts are a luxury and there a lot of luxuries out there that are far less expensive than donuts (the "New China" Chinese buffet is $11.95). 

Sizzlin’ or It’s Really Sweet to Eat: Not long ago, but longer than the other day, we had to make an unexpected trip to “Visalia”. The old folks that drive the blue Ford Freestar on such trips try to take advantage of such situations the best that they can so they try to scout about for things that can only be found in a…real town.

One of the “givens” was “Hometown Buffet” where we would stuff ourselves with a couple of day’s worth of vittles and then take a nap in the van. Sadly, they were a victim of the cruel and unlawful shutdown during the COVID situation and have since vacated the perfect location on Mooney Blvd. The last account that can be remembered is that the entire chain will likely be bankrupted. 

It was a good thing that the minivan driver (no relation to actress Minnie [cab?] Driver) remembered another great place that had recently recovered and had opened back up for business: “Sizzler Steak House”.

Though their steaks are good, the Ol' Rancher and his side-kook, usually opt for the all-you-can-eat salad bar. We have yet to be disappointed. Laugh, if you want but, this particular hungry guy never gets salad because he wants to make sure that there's room for the good stuff. That would be the  tacos, soups, baked potatoes, chili, pasta, and, depending upon how early you get there, left overs from the brunch menu. 

Being professionals, the job was done up right. The old folks tidied up and went about getting their business finished in Visalia. 

Well....there you have it: another short episode of the long happenings at Rancho Relaxo (aka “Dos Acres”): home of Rancho Ran, the world's least-most greatest authority: home of the Yo-Yo  twins and  three ducks that we try to keep in a row (one of which is retarded): home of Connie the Canner, the world's greatest side-kook and CEE (Chief of Everything Else): where the air smells and where alliteration reigns supreme: where being modern is optional and where there are no slaves to fashion: where the eggs are always mostly fresh: where things can get...interesting: where it's all news to me and where...you just never know.

 

RANCHO BAKEO BLASTO

 

Greetings and welcome to the "Rancho Relaxo" blog for July. This month's issue is a wee less late this time. Things are still rather hectic around here, though. We're busier than an armadillo knee-deep in termites. Anyway, the Ol' Rooster and Ol' Hen just wanted to share what's happening here at our humble rancho nestled in the furnace-blasted foothills of the Sierra Nevada Mountains. We're steel-braced now in the middle of what we call  "real heat" which just pounced on us today (113 degrees is real heat!).  Thanks for dropping in at the Rancho Relaxo smoldering global headquarters.

Nice cones. These caution cones come from all over the place. We stumble into them at yard and estate sales and they do come in handy. Here, they are being used to protect the 1" irrigation riser so that it doesn't get run over....again. They keep to themselves and don't eat much so we got our money's worth. 

Here's the cutie chicks from last month. They're only a few days old here and below. As it turned out, we sold them to a guy up the hill from us. He took all ten for 10 bucks. That'll work. 

You can see below that we extracted them from their mother hen and put them in a separate enclosure. She took great exception to the robbery and resisted. I should recover before too long. 

More of our "Bundling Biddy Buddies" program. The girls seem to get along well so I just let them snuggle in the box. I wish that I had known more about how chickens think when I built the Henhouse Hilton. There would have been maybe ten or so laying boxes instead of 36. It wouldn't matter if I had a hundred chickens, they would still only use a dozen boxes. We did, in fact, have almost a hundred layers at one time a few years ago is how we know.

We recently had another fire in this nearby location about a mile from our place. They Forestry Service boys were on this thing like a duck on a June bug. It was extinguished in just a few hours (with an ensuing mop up). Here is one of the "Huey" helicopters "spot dropping" his load of water. Success Lake is only 3 miles to the west of the fire (the picture is taken looking almost due south) so they can haul as much water as they need to. 

Below is a four-engine BAE-146 water bomber on his way back to base (KPTV) after a drop. A few minutes prior, he flew directly over our house at about 300'. I've flown on two them so far. One was a PSA (Pacific Southwest Airlines - now defunct) flight from Fresno to Spokane and the other was from Accra, Ghana to Kumasi, Ghana (West Africa). It's my all-time favorite four-engine passenger jet. 

This happens a lot around these parts of the foothills. This dear little deer is trying to remain cool by hiding under this large solar panel installation. He appears to be more concerned with not cooking in the heat than being spotted by humans. Good call. 

Making a mess...again. My...my...my. I'm a sucker for a big mess of collard greens. The previous mess was whomped up not long ago (but longer than the other day). It was prepared with bacon which was certainly sufficient for the day. However, this is the way to do it up right so there had to be some re-whomping done. There's just nothing that can beat a smoked ham hock when cooking collards. You can get by using something else but you can't top the hock. After simmering for three hours, it was dinner time. 

It's summer time so it was haircut time for Fuzzy the fuzzball labra-doodle. He was a mess! His fur is so dense and matted that our doggie clippers wouldn't even touch it. That means you know who had to manually administer the clip job. I just keep clipping and pruning until Fuzzy sort of disappeared. This may be all that there is left of him!  Naw....this is just the aftermath of a really lousy haircut. Since he still looks like he was clipped by a bunch of fourth graders with dull shears, his needs will need to be readdressed soon. Until then, he has enough fur to just soak him down real good with a hose so that he's carrying his own swamp cooler with him.  So, Fuzzy Wuzzy isn't fuzzy, is he? 

Proof that the Ol' Rancher speaks the truth and  isn't exaggerating when he quoted the temperature. We had to go out in it for a while. We survived but relished getting back to our cool-as-a-cucumber homestead. We don't believe in elder abuse here at the rancho. 

 Tip of the Day:

 "Always drink upstream from the buffalo herd" - Heap Big Chief Take-a-Leak-in-a-Creek of the Heck-Ah-Wee tribe.

 

 And now a word from our sponsor:

 This issue of Rancho Relaxo is brought to you by “Zelda Zonda’s Zingy Zangy Zongers”. Now, these are the best Zingy Zangy Zongers that money can buy! You cannot...I say...you cannot get better “Zingy Zangy Zongers anywheres! And, folks, they're made right here in the good ol’ US of A. You can get your bountiful supply of “Zelda Zonda’s Zingy Zangy Zongers” at the Wal-Mart, KMART, Speedy Mart, Save Mart, Quick Mart, Rapid Mart, and all those marts where those guys have them towels wrapped around their heads. Tell'em the Ol' Rancher sent you. You'll be glad you did!

Hokey smoke, Bullwinkle!! It's JULY and it's HOT! Half of this year is history!! What happened?! OK.....It's probably best to just skip this part. There would have been a lot of Rancho Ranting happening, otherwise. Moving along.....

I must admit that we were spoiled having such a mild winter and beautiful wet spring. But now, getting smacked in the mug by a blow torch when you step outside is about as welcomed as a cactus at a nudist colony. C'est la vie. Life goes on. It's not like this is my first summer to dwell in an coke kiln.  

Chickening report: You would think that there's not much else you can add to a story about chickens and eggs. Ah, but that isn't so. Something new (ahem) hatches in front of my face almost every time the coop door opens. Take for instance: the other day (when lots of things happen around here), when the weather was completely dry and there were no floods in our immediate area, Ol' Ran was greeted with a brand new deep flood! Ain't it great?! The good news is that it didn't take Sherlock Holmes or Albert Einstein to get to the bottom of things. "Someone" forgot that, when you water the oranges and other trees in the "back forty" (1.5 acres or so), most of the run off heads directly into the chicken coop! It's crazy because it's almost like someone (i.e. a different someone) dug a canal that leads directly to cackle central. Another chore and another long wait for the coop to dry out. *SIGH*. The irrigation was shut down so the flooding stopped. Perhaps we know who will be a bit more observant in the future. 

Thankfully, there was a small dry section at the rear where the dirty birdies' chicken chow could be doled out. Other than having to march around with muddy feet, they didn't seem to mind at all. What is important is that they get their grits on time or they're prone to use....fowl language (of course you wouldn't notice unless you're fluent in chickense, eh?). 

And, they are doing egg-sactly what they are supposed to do. They are laying really well now. For awhile, we thought that, either someone was snatching our eggs, or that they were unionizing. What's amazing is that we're having to deal with the abundance of huevos because "Big Bertha", the freeze dryer, has decided to abdicate her responsibility by committing suicide. Great. Just what we need. Usually, Connie the Freeze Dryer just blends them up really well and tosses them into the freeze dryer. The result is easy-to-store powdered eggs. We'll be selling some and giving some away for awhile. 

We used to have a string of clients from all over the place. Our layers provides us with at least four dozen eggs a day. We sold them at $3.00 per dozen so that provided some "pin money" for the Ol' Hen here at the house (netting more than $200.00 per month. Not too bad). 

Diggity Dog Report: No Rancho Relaxo Report would be complete without an update on our doggies. Abbie, the princess of and ruler of all things around here is doing great. I'm pleased to report that because, as you recall, she had a really rough winter. She chose off a local bobcat (she's never been fond of intruders and bobcats are at the top of that list, don'tcha know) who promptly used his razor-sharp claws to excise her hide in a number of places. She was placed inside for a few days until she felt like going out for a constitutional and some fresh air. Reckon she missed her classes on congeniality because she chose off the neighbor's bulldog who added a couple of seriously deep and long cuts in her hide. That took her out of action for another couple of weeks. Anyway, Abbie is just being Abbie for now while keeping an eye on Fuzzy as he romps around trying to disassemble anything that looks like it needs to be destroyed. 

Actually, he is doing better. I've only had to rewire "Wooly Pulley" three times in the previous year so he's doing better. He is in dire need of a "real" trim but, since he's not a show dog (he's a "show up" dog), he doesn't need a professional groomer. The aim is to just take a little time and hand trim him. We'll see. In any event, he's happy and healthy and that's the important thing. 

He was actually brought on board as a friend for Abbie. She's experiencing her ninth year on the planet so we thought that having a boisterous pup around would give her some exercise as well as a playmate. It's working out that way. 

Well....there you have it: another short episode of the long happenings at Rancho Relaxo (aka “Dos Acres”): home of Rancho Ran, the world's least-most greatest authority: home of the Yo-Yo  twins and  three ducks that we try to keep in a row (one of which is retarded): home of Connie the Canner, the world's greatest side-kook and CEE (Chief of Everything Else): where the air smells and where alliteration reigns supreme: where being modern is optional and where there are no slaves to fashion: where the eggs are always mostly fresh: where things can get...interesting: where it's all news to me and where...you just never know.