RANCHO SEPTEMBRE FRIO

 

You may click on the images to enlarge them.

Greetings and welcome to the "Rancho Relaxo" blog for September. Once again, we’re running a tad late with our post this month just like the previous few issues. We hope to cure this matter prior to the death of Santa Claus but, hey, who knows. And, like previously, there are lots of reasons for that but you will be spared most of them (it would help if I could get a week off around here). In any case, the Ol' Rooster and Ol' Hen just wanted to share what's happening here at our humble rancho nestled in the dry-as-toast foothills of the Sierra Nevada Mountains. Thanks to La Niña, and despite everything being "California Gold" in color, we have been having an exquisite summer that even included rain (which is almost unheard of in the summer!)! The daily high temps are almost like early May around here (though that is alternating with some real scorcher days)! Some of our highs are only in the 80's! Anyway, thanks for dropping in at the Rancho Relaxo global headquarters.

Well, we up and did it! We took a couple of days off from the ground squirrel races and headed to the beach at Mar Pacifico (Magellan really didn't have a clue)! Thankfully, it's only about 170 miles to get to the big water. That's "just around the corner" when you live in California. That's also a right fine distance so that you can get there in a timely fashion without being in a hurry. Of course, that means that you're fairly likely to get run over a few times while en route by those who live their life in a blur. We had to dodge a few blurry vehicles, let me tell you! 

Here is the Oceano Airport (L52). It's parked about 3 miles due south of Pismo Beach. We've flown in here a few times in a couple of Cessna 172's and a Piper Cherokee. In fact, for my very first cross country flight with passengers as a newly-minted private pilot, I chose this airport to fly too! This cool airport sits less than a half-mile from the beach so lots of folks fly in here on the weekend. They even have bicycles pilots can use for free! On one occasion in '99 when we camped at their private campground, they even taxied us to Pismo and back with no charge!

"The Sands Inn & Suites" on Monterey Street was a great place to stay in San Luis Obispo. It's "5 Stars" as far was we are concerned!

Gas was 4.79 in Springville/Porterville when we departed from home. The cheapest fuel we could find on the coast (without actually hunting a cheaper place down) was in Atascadero on the way home. 5.09 isn't a show stopper but I learned later from a friend that this county has the highest gas taxes in the state. 

I had heard about a steak house named "Jockos" in Nipomo (15 min. south of Pismo) for at least 25 years. It has been on my bucket list since that time. So, the ol' hungry rancher hauled himself and his hungry granny-wife down there for a feast. Despite the fact that the place was elbow-to-elbow and cheek-to-cheek packed (and was noisy as a sports bar on Thanksgiving Day), and despite the fact that they managed to configure a "medium" Spencer steak into one that looked like a "well done" steak, it was an enjoyable experience. I probably won't need to go for another 25 years or so (or until I get another bucket). 

This is a 3/4 replica of a 1917 Curtiss JN-4 "Jenny" biplane at the Oceano Airport. Cool, eh?!

This is the famous "Pismo Fish & Chips" in downtown Pismo (left and below). I haven't been here since '89 when I lived in Fresno. The food was good but it wasn't what I remembered it to be. You know how it is. When you only get to go somewhere once in a while, you don't want the experience to be just "OK". You want it to stick in your head like it was covered in "Gorilla Glue".

Good food. Hot food. Both are my friends!

The  place to the right is on the coast just north of downtown Pismo and at the end of a side street. I'm a wonderer and discoverer so I just sort of headed down a back street to see where it went. It led to here and my Nikon "Cool Pix" camera was at the ready and did its job. 

Downtown Pismo. Interesting parking, I'd say. It works well!

This is westbound Highway 46 on the way to the coast. The trees to the right side are pistachios. There are miles and miles of them! After I got home and could use "Google Maps", I counted at least 8 sections of trees! A section is one square mile! There was another 8-10 sections south of Lost Hills.  I didn't count the many thousands of acres of pistachios in the surrounding Kern, Tulare (where Rancho Relaxo is), and Kings Counties. We (CA) produce 99% of all pistachios in the nation and 80% of the world's pistachio supply (eat your heart out, Iraq!). And, in 2020, we planted 485,000 acres (probably more than all of Iraq). This nearly ties our walnut production. Reckon you could say that California is ...nutty. 

Here's a shot of pistachios in their native environment. 

We not only got to go to the coast, we also got to go to the modest burg of Hanford which is little over an hour west from where we live. We had to deliver a wrought iron patio set to some folks over there. There was enough time to stop off for a late lunch so here's the place that was picked: "Hong Kong Chop Suey" on 7th Street. The food was good but there were at least two other Chinese restaurants nearby that are going to be knocked over the next time Hanford is a destination. 

Hanford has a lot of friendly folks, too, and they are quite proud of their many dairies in that area. That's probably because Tulare County is the number one county in the nation for milk production. Their mottos is: "Come to Hanford and smell our dairy air!".  

Here's a shot of one of the many vineyards and many oak trees prior to getting to the coast itself. This picture was taken on Highway 41 between Atascadero and Shandon. It's about 20-25 or so (road) miles from Paso Robles. "Paso Robles" translates as "Oak Pass". Yes, we have lots of oak trees!

This is eastbound Hwy 41 just as it meets Hwy 46 at Shandon. I decided to take the back road since I hadn't taken this route since the '80's. It was a nice and wonderfully uncrowded route (read: it was entirely devoid of drivers who wanted to make Bakersfield's  "Channel 23 Action News" about the largest fiery car crash of the year)! No pain and no strain. That's the kind of driving preferred by these old folks. 

Here's the update on the "Let's Wreck Randy's Finger Nail" project. The black bruising has almost covered the entire nail area and there's a large hole at the bottom where the nail has separate from it's moorings. Swell. At least there doesn't seem to be an infection issue. 

No one here at the ranch is into nail art or large peep holes in their fingers so I reckon I'll just have to outgrow this matter and try to garner attention some other (and less painful) way. Guitar players hate to have their fingers busted up. 

Abbie is back on her game and has rebounded spectacularly after her two bouts with over-classed enemies. She wanted us to know it by displaying her latest trophy. Good girl, Abbie! Abbie - 1; Fuzzer - 0.

A word from our sponsor:

This issue of Rancho Relaxo is brought to you by "Rowdy Rhonda’s Rounded Roddy Roodies." Now, these are the best Rounded Roddy Roodies that money can buy! They're made right here in the US of A. You cannot...I say...you cannot get a better Rounded Roddy Roody anywhere! You can get your bountiful supply of "Rowdy Rhonda’s Rounded Roddy Roodies" at the Wal-Mart, KMART, Speedy Mart, Rapid Mart, Quick Mart, and all those marts where them guys have those towels wrapped around their heads. Tell'em the Ol' Rancher sent you. You'll be glad you did!

Tip of the Day: You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose. But, you just can’t pick your friend’s nose.

What on earth?! Here we are in September and there's no slowing down! We're headed for a new year that will be here in no more time than it takes to track a coon, skin him, tack and tan his hide down and make it into a hat (the dogs  won't get coon chili this time). If that don't beat the band, there's only 105 days until Christmas! Yikes!! Moving along....

Coasting: We did it! We finally took…a day off (two days, actually)!! It felt weird (I think the ground may have even shook a bit) but it was swell to get out of the Valley for a couple of days and go get  coddled in the cool climes of the coast. It’s great that it’s only a 3 hour drive to get there, too!

We didn’t have a lengthy itinerary because we didn’t have but two days to work with. That does lighten the mental work load and that, after all, was part of the reason we headed over there in the first place. But, finding something interesting wasn't difficult at all.

SLO: Our lodging had been scouted out on the Internet prior to our departure. So, we checked in as soon as we hit town. That town is San Luis Obispo which is one of the most beautiful cities in California (and they have a super airport, too!). We weren't in a hurry so Tojo, the Camry (which gets considerably better gas mileage than the Coop de Ville), was unloaded at our leisure. 

Our home for two nights was the "The Sands Inn & Suites"" on Monterey Street not far off the 101. Because of the time of the year being what it is, we thought that they would be charging "summer rates". That wasn't the case at all. Instead, their rates were actually fairly modest and about that same as that well-known motel that has a huge "6" on it's sign. You know the one; it rents teensy rooms for large prices and offers only lousy coffee for breakfast (the only high point being that it's hot coffee and not tepid). I can't speak for anyone else but I don't plan on paying for a "6" when I  can get an "8"  with breakfast for the same price. I will never go to one again unless there isn't another motel within twenty miles (and farther one can even be partially burned down, for all I care).  

Our room, with a single queen bed (we're royalty, don'tcha know), was at least as large as the "Super 8's" and Econo-Lodges. We were quite pleased and even impressed. The staff were quite professional yet personable and helpful. And, if that isn't enough to burp your Tupperware, they had a great breakfast tossed in! In the (sorta) words of my good friend Arnie, "We'll be back". 

After unloading and resting a bit, we headed out for some sight seeing and seeing of the sea and seeing some sights, we did see such. San Luis Obispo is just plain pretty. You can't quite get enough of this place so you just drive around and soak it all in the best you can. That's what happened. The camera was in high gear and snapping left and right as we drove through and about the town. It was great! 

Our late morning snack had long since perished so our fuel tanks were empty. So, it was time to seek some real food. It's only about 13 miles to Pismo from SLO and that's where we went. The hope was to kick off the R&R with some fresh hot fish and chips at "Pismo Fish & Chips" in downtown Pismo. 

We rolled up, parked, and walked over to the restaurant only to find the place closed on Mondays. Boy, that speedily reduced my endorphin rush to a crawl. Ah, but we're old people and old people have options and aren't about to starve to death on purpose. "Let's go to Jocko's", Connie tendered. "Great idea!", says I, who was more than ready to give her a second pair of angel's wings for that excellent suggestion! Off we went! Nipomo is only about seven miles south of Pismo so it was a sure thing that we weren't going to faint from hunger before we got there. 

"Jocko's": Rolling up to "Jocko's" was much different than rolling up to "Pismo Fish & Chips". The parking lot was packed...on a Monday evening! When inside, we were greeted and asked if we had a reservation. I said, "Sure. It's outside of Porterville a few miles. They even have a casino". After the pleasantries (and after not getting smacked for trying to be a comedian), the nice lady smilingly advised that there would be a 45 minute wait. Great. My guts are grumbling and I'm drowning in saliva from being ensconced in the soul-swooning aroma of at least 50 grilled steaks. Of course, it was our...day off...so, certainly we could tough it out. A few moments later she stated that, if the folks who had scheduled a reservation didn't make it or cancelled in the next few minutes, we could have their spot. Guess what? They did cancel and we were ushered right in! I dang near showed them how to do my version of a happy dance and a moon walk right then and there! Zowie!

After an expected wait time, we were served. The meal was really good but I'm only going to give "Four Stars" this time. I ordered a "medium" steak and got a "well done" one. It's not a show stopper but I would think that, after almost a hundred years in business, they should know how to cook a steak. Also, their "pinquito beans" are of some renown. However, I've had "Santa Maria Pinquitos" (Santa Maria is only five miles south of Nipomo) and they were fabulous. "Jocko's" beans were OK but far from fabulous. So, they're one star short this go around. Nevertheless. We left stuffed and happy as a Pismo clam at high tide and not once did the Ol' Rancher have to be rebuked for his indecorous eating style. "Jocko’s" is our friend.

“Pismo Fish and Chips”: The next day, after our swell breakfast wore off and after cruising around awhile, we headed back over to Pismo for lunch. I couldn't believe it had been a quarter century since I had last had lunch there. Crazy. The good news is that we were the second guests at that time. It was quiet in there ! Our meal would be eaten in peace! I'm not sure how to explain it but food seems to taste better to me if there isn't a 90db+ noise level to contend with. There's no convincing me that the human digestive system needs to rely on a high wattage sonic element for assistance.

We were attended to promptly by a courteous young waiter who made us feel welcomed and who took our order. 

Some thought was given to just emptying their fish and fries supply but I thought better of it. Regardless of the size of my eyes, most of it would have ended up being taken back to camp for later. But, I don't do cold floppy fries very well (and I didn't bring our air fryer with us). That and the fact that my stomach seems to have shrunk up a bit since my "practicing to be a hungry wolf" days in my youth. The ever trusty old-man's wisdom overrode the notoriously unwise and faulty hunger lusting. I settled for the two piece lunch and wasn't even close to being hungry afterwards. 

The food was good but, again, it was a "four stars" meal. I wasn't disappointed because the food was hot (something that is a must for me) and the service was really good. However, a few years ago, I knocked over the fish and chips at "The Dutchman" in Morro Bay and they hit it out of the park. But, it was nevertheless a great "blast from the past" experience and there are no regrets about it. 

The Long and Winding Road: After two days of "un-laxing" and just lazing about taking pictures and doing as we pleased, we headed back home but on Highway 41. It had been a long time since I had taken Highway 41 back from Atascadero to Highway 46 (1988, as I recall). We usually just jazz up to Paso and take 46 through Wasco then further east where it intersects Highway 65 about 12 miles north of Oildale (about 95 miles from point to point). 

46 intersects 41 coming down from Fresburg (sic) and that's where actor James Dean was killed on Sept. 30, 1955. There's a monument at Cholame a tad more than a mile west of the intersection. 41 is somewhat winding but it's a very scenic route and has far less traffic. Plus, it's about 4 miles shorter. It was a good call. 

Once home, we crashed and put the old folks to bed early. We'll need to do this again....soon (including putting the old folks to be early). 

 Count your blessings or Load'em up, boys!: The other day, the neighbors directly across the street from us had a big estate/moving sale. Well, you just know that the Ol' Rancher and Connie the Canner weren't going to let that sale get away! It was a huge barn/garage/shop sale (otherwise known as your basic "guy sale"). 

The folks in charge were from Visalia and were as nice as could be. They were so nice, in fact, that they were almost throwing stuff at us! Seriously! If we wanted something, they would toss in something else for free (when people throw free things at you, don't duck!) We ended up with tools, a metal framed carport (our next greenhouse), a crossbow, lots of shop peripherals, steel shelving, two large 6' x 3' sturdy wooden bookshelf style storage units, rifle cleaning supplies, vintage camping coffee pots, fishing tackle, and a huge list of miscellany. The price tag? A hundred bucks!  And, while we were loading the two large wooden shelves, the guy threw in two nice 20" oscillating stand fans! 

There were just two items of the two "Wooly Pully" trailer loads of goodies (plus, the back of the van was loaded) that were worth at least that much!! We're still counting our blessings because we still don't know what all we have!!

Speaking of such things, not long ago (but longer than the other day), we were at another estate sale. The folks there didn't want to hassle with a large box of "N gauge" and "O gauge" model electric train track, engines, rolling stock, power packs, and diorama supplies. He said he'd take twenty bucks for all of it if I wanted it. Sho' nuff, I wanted it! Just the track that I saw was worth that much! There was a new power pack, too! After inventorying it all, most of it was posted on eBay. Two listings brought in 120.00. Not bad at all. The diorama parts and pieces will be dealt with later. 

Poo! Poo! Who’s got the doo?! Fuzzy do! That’s who!: My doggies! *SIGH*. Fuzzy is one sharp four-legged rag mop, I’m tellin’ you. He's a quick learner and could probably handle some light homework. So, it’s difficult to comprehend how he could sometimes also be a really dumb four-pawed, forty pound, hank of mindless and inconsiderate fur.  

The other day (when lots of things happen around here), it was "feed the doggies" time. So, out the Ol' Rancher goes at about 7AM to open up a couple of cans of dog chow for his furry buddies. But, what before his blurry eyes should appear on his patio but a large pile of doggie doo that, if not mindful, you could stumble over! Since there aren't any animals big enough to do such a doo other than the cows that do what they do in the neighbor's pasture, there was only one suspect: Fuzz Ball, himself. He has all of outdoors in which to do his number two but, such a thing, he did not do. Just what can you do?

Now, I don't mind cleaning up a little doo from time to time but not on my patio and not when you need a front loader. Reckon the Ol' Rancher has a new job on his hands: patio-breaking his goofy pooch. Great. Just what he needs: a job as a doggie doo guru (*SIGH* number two). 

Well....there you have it: another short episode of the long happenings at Rancho Relaxo: home of Rancho Ran, the world's least-most greatest authority: home of the Yo-Yo  twins and home of a retarded duck: home of Connie the Canner, the world's greatest side-kook and CEE (Chief of Everything Else): where the air smells and where alliteration reigns supreme and where there's a homophone in the offing: where being modern is optional and where there are no slaves to fashion: where the eggs are always mostly fresh: where things can get...interesting: where it's all news to me and where...you just never know.

RANCHO MUY MUCHO AUGUSTO

                                                     CLICK ON PICS TO ENLARGE

Greetings and welcome to the "Rancho Relaxo" blog for August. Once again, we’re running late with our post this month just like the previous few issues. And, like previously, there are lots of reasons for that but you will be spared most of them (it would help if I could get a day off around here). In any case, the Ol' Rooster and Ol' Hen just wanted to share what's happening here at our humble rancho nestled in the dry-as-toast foothills of the Sierra Nevada Mountains. Thanks to La Niña, and despite everything being "California Gold" in color, we have been having an exquisite summer! The daily high temps are almost like April and early May around here (though that is alternating with some real scorcher days)! Thanks for dropping in at the Rancho Relaxo global headquarters.

I doubt if there are but few things that will keep the younger folks' attention than a baby chick. Our grandkiddies were entertained for the best part of two days with them! This chick's new name is "Hugo". 

To the right is a  picture of our young pup, Fuzzy (aka Fuzz Dawg). It is little wonder that he's no longer a lap dog in the shop. 

Here's Fuzzy playing dead after being "defeated" by Abbie, the princess ruler of the Rancho. Earlier, she let him defeat her (see picture below). It was great to see her back to her old self again and romping with Fuzz Ball. She was out of sorts for a few weeks while healing up after being mauled by a bobcat and a bulldog. Romping wasn't on her agenda. 

It's hot and dry around here during the summer but it is still a pretty place.

The flood made a mess of the River Island Golf Course which is only about a mile from our place. This is the bridge that crossed the Tule River. They recently declared bankruptcy so it remains to be seen just what will happen. Lots of sad folks around these parts. 

Another shot of the not-so-green fairway. 

Connie the Canner has normal hearing abilities which appears rather like super-human hearing when compared to mine. My hearing has been compromised by years of sirens, guns, airplanes, music, and tractor driving (heavy equipment/earth movers). That means that when I use the steamer/foaming wand on my espresso machine, it is an unbearable torture for her. Here's the solution to that issue. It's an all-in-one heating and foaming device. How cool is that?! It does a nifty job of heating the milk and foaming the milk but is almost as quiet as a mouse! She loves it so it gets to stay (and so do I!). They retail  for 39.95 but we got this one (new in the box) at a yard sale for....get this...10 bucks! Zowie!

This is one of the latest taco trucks in Porterville. It's on the SE corner of the intersection of Plane and E. Date. It's next to the old Warnke's Pharmacy (which is now an Arab Smoke Shop) which abuts "Big Brand Tires". 

This beauty is a like-new 26" 7 speed Schwinn "City" series, "Addison" model. They retail for 349.95 (depending upon where you shop, of course). We were dumbstruck when were driving from a client's house (at River Island Golf Course) and saw this gorgeous bike sitting along the curb with a "FREE" sign on it. I reckon everyone knows that FREE is our friend at Rancho Relaxo! It didn't take any time at all to hoist this thing into the back of the Coop de Ville and head home with it! I rode it (and didn't fall off, by golly!) and it runs like new! It ain't broke! It's like new!! The little rubber nubbies area still on the tires!!! We could hardly believe it!! There was a "for sale" sign out front so we assumed that the nice folks who lived there just didn't have time or room to deal with it. WE DID! PTL!!

Well...it was bound to happen again at some point in time. That point was the not long ago. This guy showed up on the back porch. You just know that Connie the Canner doesn't allow reptiles in her world even if they are just visiting. It was rendered headless with a long-handled Rancho hole digger. I need a nice hatband but just  don't have time to tan the dang thang. 

Well….it’s August…again. I’m inclined to think that the distance from earth to the sun has been shortened which has resulted in our years getting closer together. Years are now seemly lapsing about every six months or so. I could be wrong; they could be lapsing every three months or so. In either case, we need to petition the Lord about this matter because something ain’t right. It’s only 132 days until Christmas! Hokey Smoke! Moving along…Here’s the latest from our benevolent dictatorship.

But first, a word from our sponsor:

This issue of Rancho Relaxo is brought to you by "Winsome Wendy’s Wonderful Whipple Whapples". Now, these are the best Wonderful Whipple Whapples that money can buy! They're made right here in the US of A. You cannot...I say...you cannot get a better Wonderful Whipple Whapple anywhere! You can get your bountiful supply of "Winsome Wendy’s Wonderful Whipple Whapples"at the Wal-Mart, KMART, Speedy Mart, Rapid Mart, Quick Mart, and all those marts where them guys have those towels wrapped around their heads. Tell'em the Ol' Rancher sent you. You'll be glad you did!

Rancho tip of the day:

“He who tooteth not his own horn, of the same is he not tooted”

Break-feast: don’tcha know that the old folks around here can get a good case of the “hongries” without much assistance. We usually placate our hunger with healthy grub like cereal and such (we are, as a fact, “cereal killers” around here). But, on some occasions, our stomach and lust for good food simply overrides our intellect and modest diet and we go hog wild for some good ol’ pig meat with a side of grease.

And, whereas we have farm-fresh eggs, there’s simply no good reason for us to not eat these luscious, rich, tasty cackle berries. We also have a nice supply of breads which, when toasted, soak up real butter oh, so well. So, since we couldn’t find any reasons to not have a big breakfast (not that we searched all that hard), we just built ourselves a big ol’ feast!

It wasn’t exotic at all. In fact, it was a basic as you can get: bacon, eggs, toast, and coffee. Ah, but you just know that this is Rancho Relaxo and things (even breakfast) around here can get…interesting.

First off, we didn't whomp up a side of bacon; we whomped up a load of bacon. There was none of the “two strips, please” stuff. That is, except for Connie the Canner who insists on being a human and eating in moderation (reckon you can tell whose big idea this was). Being the good husband that I am, I didn’t protest at all (noting that the other 4/5 of a pound was all mine!).

All went well and all of the good grub was scarfed down as proficiently as any scarfing professional could do. We should have had some good gravy to go with the good grub but someone was in a hurry to get his teeth in action. I thought I had done a pretty good job and was mildly pleased with myself when I was finished. Connie weighed in on the matter: “Thanks for leaving the flowers on the plate, hon”,

Fuzzy Wuzzy Report: I must say that I keep loving this goofy pooch more and more as he matures into an intelligent furry buddy and a pal. He’s fun loving and still a romping pup but he’s also starting to be a great guard dog. Of course, he doesn’t want anyone to know that he has a large yellow stripe down the middle of his back which would betray his very frightening “big dog” bark. Bless his heart.

He’s put the fear of God in a couple of folks so far. But, they surely weren’t the ones we wanted to leave a huge pile of excrement on our driveway. We will, no doubt, need to take pains to make sure that Fuzzball knows exactly who the “friendlies” are around here or our business may wain to an unwelcomed degree.

Anyway, if we do happen to find an unexpected monstrous malodorous mound or mess in our driveway or around the house, we know that Fuzzball is doing his job. There’s no mistaking his bark because it echoes off the mountain behind us. He gets their attention.

He’s also getting used to our new technique for keeping him cool during our blazing summer days (which have been amazingly few, as of late). It’s actually easy and a concept that has been around for probably ten thousand years. He gets showered down with cold water and, because he’s wearing a large carpet on his back, he becomes a four-legged swamp cooler. Can’t seem to get short-haired Abbie, the princess coon doggie, enthused about it yet but she may come around if the temps creep up to 110 or so.

Princess Abbie Report: It’s hard to imagine how fast Abbie has healed up! I’ve not seen such a thing! It’s difficult to tell that she had been so brutally injured only a few weeks ago! There’s only a couple of small areas whose scars are still vanishing more every day. Amazing!

The only thing that has changed is her attitude. She seems to be quite a bit more protective of the Ol’ Rancher and way less tolerant of both Fuzzy and Pedro, the neighbor’ cute, white, boisterous, pup. She keeps them in line when they weren’t even out of line that I could tell. Who knows.

She’s quite a bit more plaintive about getting fed, too. When she knows that the chow hall is open, she begins to demand her share of the meal first (and in no uncertain terms). Of course, it has to be remembered that she is a princess, don’tcha know. So, just how can you deny a dandy doughty dauntless coon-doggie from being first in line for breakfast?   

Grandkiddies Galore! or We got grandkids!: It had been about three years since we’ve seen the Howden family. They moved from Torrance  to a suburb of Houston but came up to visit prior to their departure to Texas. That was our last time to see them. We were shocked to see who much they’d grown (it’s amazing what happens when you feed kids!)!

Hubby, Dan, had to fly to San Francisco for business so the rest of the family rented a car and headed downstate to see family and friends. The older three siblings stayed in Texas to tend to their jobs and so it was just the younger set who got to come west. We’ve made a note so see if we can go east soon to see them and the rest of the family in Abilene and San Antonio (and, hopefully, OK)…soon!

The stars of the show were the baby chicks. We hadn’t actually planned to have them in large box in the living room. That was something that we had told ourselves we wouldn’t do again because of the smell (I mean, just who wants their living room to smell like a chicken coop, eh?). However, this is Rancho Relaxo, after all. And, you just never know. The kids never tired of holding the chicks. They even named a few of them (“Hugo” sounds like a good name for a baby bird, I guess). It'll help the chicks get a bit more tamed and that's a good thing. 

It was great to spend a full day and evening with them and then have breakfast the next morning prior to their departure. But, all too soon, it was “huggies all around” then time to go. We all had a great time, of course. But, when Trixie and the kids were ready to depart, Connie excused herself explaining that she needed to grab a handkerchief because she was a bit teary because of not being able to see them again for awhile. Being the practical and helpful hubby that I am, I told her to “get a mop” (I just wanted to be a blessin’). She was sort of amused but I'm still going to look for a bear trap in the shower. 

Wired or Who put that there?: The other day (when lots of things happen around here), the ol’ tractor driver mounted his genuine Sears Craftsman “Excellerator GT” riding lawn tractor and got ready to take down the thriving jungle in our front yard. All went well until the blades were engaged and the engine instantly died. That was..interesting..given that it was fully functional the previous time  it was used. There was no recall at all of having any issue at all (other than an infrequent reluctance of the PTO clutch to engage).

The big whacker was driven up on a single ramp so the underside of the deck could be inspected. Lo and behold, there was a long strand of barbed wired very (and I mean very) tightly wound around two of the three spindles. Well…that made my day. 

 Make note that a 26 hp Kohler motor can do a great job of tightening barbed wire or anything else.

There was no time to address the issue for a couple of days but when it was time to tackle the task, things got ugly. For one thing, somebody picked one of the hottest days of the week to work on his tractor (the guy isn’t known for his brilliance). That made things pretty uncomfortable. Hot metal and flesh really don't mix well and the tractor had half the day to soak up the degrees and become a high-end heat sink. 

Then, there just wasn’t a lot of room to deal with because it still wasn't very high off the ground and the deck braces and the blade were in the way. Swell. Add to that the wire was so tightly wound that it took monumental effort to wrench enough slack in it to be able to pry it open so it could be cut. Even with a hefty pair of linemen’s pliers, it wasn’t possible to cut through both strands so a huge amount of energy was expended prying the wire apart so it could be cut. That stuff is tuff and it's awfully difficult to cut even a single strand.

Finally, after 30 minutes of whacked knuckles, broken fingernails, abraded skin, groaning, grunting, and a completely wasted and baked mechanic, the job of untangling just one of the blades was accomplished. Just one. The other will have to wait until someone repairs the mechanic (reckon, I'll call it the “mechanic recovery program”). Stay tuned for the next issue by which time El Wrencho at the rancho should be finished untangling things. I’m pretty sure it will be finished otherwise no one will be able to see our house for the jungle.

Update regarding updating: the Ol’ Rancher has been publishing a monthly newsletter intermittently since 1998 or so. The preferred software has always been MS Office Word and Publisher. The original version used was Office 97which was then upgraded to 2002 (still my favorite for its ease of use). Later, it was 2007, 2010 (the old faithful), and 2013 (which I didn’t like and retrograded to 2010).

Not long ago (but longer than the other day), 2010 was acting up; I just don't have time for such time wasting and distracting things.  Thankfully, an opportunity to get 2021 at a discount arose so it was purchased and installed. Actually, my first thought was that I wasn’t going to like it (based on my experience with 2013 which I hated but don't remember particularly why at the moment). They must have refined the thing because I’m now using it without pulling any teeth or hair. It’s running fast and smoothly. It’s my friend.

Calling all Luddites! Calling all Luddites! Now hear this! Air Fryers are our friends!!: If you are ready to listen, they are not, I repeat, they are not a commie plot like I was telling y’all!! Here at the old folk’s home, we have at least two air fryers (we’re still looking for the third one that we put in a “safe place”). One of these (a brand new one!) has been left forlornly and unused on the shelf for at least three years. In any case, we have never used an air fryer here at the ranch! Talk about being “behind the times”! Anyway, that lapse of lucidity has come to an abrupt end. We plugged the big baby in and turned it on. 

 Connie, the Side Kook of all trades, hauled a dead chicken out of the freezer, thawed it and said, "Here, cook this". Since it only had a few buttons, there wasn't much to dread about the matter. The intrepid rancher solidly parked the whole chicken on the rack and assailed the buttons (all three of them) without timidity. The timer was set and the "Go" button was pushed. 

When the timer went off (we had to flip the chicken at the half-way point), we just had to try it! It smelled wonderful! We each took a chunk and were amazed! The meat just fell off the bone and the skin was crisp! It was almost like someone had smuggled in a “Costco” rotisserie chicken into our kitchen!! Guess who filled his belly with chicken to the top button of his shirt?! This thing instantly endeared itself to us! The old folks now have another new friend!

Glutenous Gallo Report: Our baby birds are doing thriving and doing great! They are about as hungry as a Pratt & Whitney R-4360 radial engine at take off power! The original three feral chicks are now on their own in the general population and are growing up fast. The four that we had in the small hutch on the back porch are now in the large cage in the coop in which the feral birds were housed. They, too, are growing and doing well. The latest batch of birdies are now in the hutch on the back porch and no longer in the large box in the living room (and our house no longer smells like a chicken factory!). It won’t be long until they will be out in the cage in the coop, too.

 Flooding?! Flooding?! We don’t need no stinking flooding! or Abandon coop! : What look are you supposed to have on your face when you enter your chicken coop in the middle of summer…..have had no rain in months…..the back yard  hasn’t been irrigated in a long long time…..and the entire coop is flooded? It took a couple of seconds for the Ol' Rancher's posi-traumic brain to register what was happening. Talk about a surprise!

Thankfully, this scenario had played out before but it took a second for it to register. Someone left the sprinklers on out back in the oranges (reckon, I’ll fire him if I find him). The area got saturated and the runoff made a bee line to our coop. So, with wading boots installed, the Ol’ Rancher stomped out back and turned off the sprinklers. No doubt the oranges thought they were going to drown!

To the dump, to the dump, to the dump, dump, dump!: Every now and again, Rancho Relaxo needs its garbage hauled off to the local transfer station (aka “the dump”) about a mile away. We must be mighty trashy people because it doesn’t take long to fill Wooly Pully above the gunnels with our refuse.

After tarping everything down (required or they add an extra 5 fee for uncovered trash), it was “off to the dump we go”. Off-loading was the usual non-event but things were odd from there. When it was time to pay the dump master (what else do you call him?), there had been a change. The previous guy was no longer minding the dumpster. The younger replacement asked, “Do you need a receipt?” to which I answered no and readied to turn around and resume my day of recovering from being the Rancho Trashman. I immediately noticed that he didn’t fill out the dump registry/log. Nothing was said but I knew he had skimmed the money for himself. He would only have to do that a few times per day and he would be driving a new pickup before long.

There were a couple of pickups waiting their turn (there’s just not a lot of room at our tiny transfer station) so I stopped and advised them always ask for a receipt and told them why. C’est las vie.

Well....there you have it: another short episode of the long happenings at Rancho Relaxo: home of Rancho Ran, the world's least-most greatest authority: home of the Yo-Yo  twins and home of a retarded duck: home of Connie the Canner, the world's greatest side-kook and CEE (Chief of Everything Else): where the air smells and where alliteration reigns supreme: where being modern is optional and where there are no slaves to fashion: where the eggs are always mostly fresh: where things can get...interesting: where it's all news to me and where...you just never know.

RANCHO COOLIO JULIO

 

Greetings and welcome to the "Rancho Relaxo" blog for July. We’re running late with our post this month just like the previous few issues. And, like previously, there are lots of reasons for that but you will be spared most of them (it would help if I could get a day off around here). In any case, the Ol' Rooster and Ol' Hen just wanted to share what's happening here at our humble rancho nestled in the quickly-browning foothills of the Sierra Nevada Mountains. Thanks to La Niña, we have been having an exquisite summer! The daily high temps are almost like April and early May around here! Thanks for dropping in at the Rancho Relaxo global headquarters.

Feel free to click on the pictures to enlarge them. 

Some folks have parakeets. We have a pair o' cuties. There are two more asleep behind these little guys. We got them from good friend and fellow hamster, Eddie O., who helped us track down them and their feral momma. We weren't quite fast enough to catch all little speedy chicks so we settled for these. They are growing by leaps and bounds! 

Here they are again a couple of weeks later. They have now grown so big that we have them in the large cage in the coop. They still have to be segregated for awhile or the big bad bully biddies will try to put a stop to their growth spurt. 

Another brother, Ralph R., hatched out a ton of chicks then gave us a dozen of them! Connie has, once again, gained the title of, "Supreme Chicken Grandma" (she is supreme at a lot of things but she enjoys this above most others). We're almost ready to move these little peckers to the top loading cage we had the feral chicks in. It's certainly warm enough. The feral chicks have moved to a nice large cage inside the coop until they are large enough to be with the rest of the heard. These are "straight run" birds so we will likely have meat birds and layers. We can always use some of them for barter, I should think. 

This is one of the big juicy rancho plums. They are plumb good! Our four trees only produced a light harvest due to the screwy cooler weather which produced a late crop. Nevertheless, they were quite tasty. They didn't make the freeze dryer due to the fact that the labor force around here was already frazzled with projects. It's frazzling to pit and slice  buckets of plums and we were are already plumb out of the need for any more frazzling. 

Well, the pre-occupied Ol' Rancher had to make a quick check for the mail and was greeted by fervently-flowing fountain of fresh water. Swell. Just what he needed. No one had seen the event but it definitely was the result of trauma to the riser because it was fractured. It was thought at first that it had simply came unstuck.

The first thing that needed to be done is to head to the back of the property to shut off the 2" main ditch water line (we get our irrigation water from the "Pleasant Valley Ditch Company" and get our personal water from a well). After that, I was able to get the project high up on the "fix now" list. Rancho Relaxo keeps lots of PVC connectors and pipe for just such occasions. But (why is there always a "but" around here?), the PVC cement and etchant were not to be found. That led to a trip to "Springville Building Supply" to fetch supplies. Once they were obtained and a hole dug (I just love shovel work,  don't you?), the parts were cemented together and left to dry. The water was turned on the next day. 

Here's Fuzzy and the next door neighbor's little pooch, Pedro. They are great pals. Abbie hasn't been in a good mood since the cage bouts with the bobcat and the bulldog so doesn't feel up to a good romp. So, Pedro has taken up the task of romping and cavorting. Fuzzy's a great neighbor and even lets the little guy win sometime! 

Pedro is a "water dog" and can't get enough of it. He comes over when the sprinkler is on and goes to town! He's a hoot to watch!

Pedro wasn't happy taking on one sprinkler so he headed for another one across the yard. He is also known to be right on time for breakfast in the mornings when Abbie and Fuzzy are getting fed. 

The other day (when lots of things happen around here), I was experimenting with "finger art" and....well...not really. It seems the Ol' Rancher wasn't paying attention to things and shut his lil' ol' finger in a car door. My, but didn't that set the alarm bells to ringing?! Thankfully, the door didn't shut all the way. That would have been...interesting. After a few days of letting the swelling and discoloration abate, a decoration of some kind formed in the middle of the nail (ergo, "nail art"). Remind me not to do that again. 

Not long ago (but longer than the other day), Connie the Canner and the Ol' Rancher stopped by a local place (in Porterville) called "Gleaners" where our cousin, Heather M., is manager. She asked if I could take a look at their  PC because it was having some issues. Of course, I was glad too. One of the first things I did was to check the Internet speed using "FAST.COM". Boy, howdy!! Was I blown away!! I have seen 90mbps service but what I saw I had only read about. After blinking a few times, I still saw 940mbps!! 940!!! By the time I went to the van to grab my cell phone and returned to snap a picture for proof, the speed had dropped to 470mbps!! Heather didn't know who their ISP is but I'm going to see if I can get hooked up with them!! My guess is that it's Charter/Spectrum. We'll see. This kind of speed is beyond "blistering hot" and it surely builds a fire under me!!

 

As per our wont, we stopped a local yard sale here in Springville about a week ago. The nice lady had been in law enforcement and was selling of some of here LEO stuff and some other bric-a-brac (we bought a few things). As I dug through her boxes, I saw this little guy still in its original box! It looked as though it had hardly been used at all! I asked, "What's the story on the camera?". She replied that when she was cleaning out her stuff, someone just tossed it in her box. I asked for the price: $10.00. SOLD! I have another one of these "Cool Pix" cameras (that I got for 10.00 at a yard sale) but this one has a 5 power zoom (the other one is a 3 power zoom) and has a ....get this...20.1 mega-pixel chip! That's  up there in professional territory! I stuffed a 2GB SD chip and a couple of AA batteries in it then hit the "Go" button. She sprang to life and all is well! This little camera will probably follow me around in the van for a long time to come. 

Y'all just know I want one of these!! It was at the new "Tractor Supply" store on West Henderson. Ain't he cute?!

B'GAAAAACK!! 

This is Connie the Washer Woman's new LG Heavy Duty Extra-Large capacity washing machine. The previous machine was a "Maytag" that was purchased about 6 or so years ago with the thought that you likely couldn't get a better washer. In other words, the brainwashing from the advertisements from the 50's and 60's led us to believe that "Maytag" was the most reliable and dependable machine on the market. Well, they may well have been the case 50 years ago. However, today, the brand is just another name on a long list of machines that one huge corporation  bought up. Almost all of the familiar washing machines and dryers manufactured in America today are made by just a couple of companies (and even some of them aren't even made in this country). They just brand badge them (like GM used to do with cars). Most of them are made in the same factory by the same people and using the same parts (other than the cosmetics). In other words, "same junk, different covers". 

I'm familiar with LG and it's history so I bought it instead of what I wanted in the first or second place. The alternate would be the "Whirlpool" brand which I've always had a great respect for (I used to sell a ton of them). "Whirlpools" are now made in the same factory as the "Maytags" using the same (junk) parts so I passed on both. I had to rebuild the "Maytag" washer twice and the dryer twice. This time, the washer lost its electronic mind and wouldn't complete it's simple tasks. Add to that, is was rusting and falling apart! So, it had to go. 

And now, a word from our sponsor: This issue of Rancho Relaxo is brought to you by Mother Marsha’s Moby Mibby Moobers.  Now, these are the best Moby Mibby Moobers that money can buy! They're made right here in the US of A. You cannot...I say...you can't get a better Moby Mibby Moober  anywhere! You can get your bountiful supply of Mother Marsha’s Moby Mibby Moobers  at the Wal-Mart, KMART, Speedy Mart, Rapid Mart, Quick Mart, and all those marts where them guys have those towels wrapped around their heads. Tell'em the Ol' Rancher sent you. You'll be glad you did!

Rancho hint for the day:

                                      Red meat is not bad for you...

                                            Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

Well...beat me with a brolly, Dolly! It's July! Doesn’t that just put a kink in your Speedo?! Time is whizzing by faster than a Sante Fe freight train with no brakes on Cajon Pass! Only 166 days until Christmas! *SIGH* 

The good news is that our daytime temps have been more in the range that we see in late April through mid-May! Everyone around here is lovin' it!! It's like having an extended spring so we get to smell everyone's BBQ grill's that are in high gear! Moving along.....

Princess Abbie report: It gives me great pleasure to announce that our dear Princess Abbie is doing well and has healed up amazingly well and amazingly quickly! We seriously thought it was going to take a lot longer! It's difficult to tell by looking that she had been so torn up not so long ago (she looked like she single handedly took on Paulus's Sixth Army!). This despite the fact that we let the wounds heal by "secondary intent". 

One wound was actually almost overlooked. We had bandaged her while she was lying down so as not to disturb her. This meant that a thorough exam wasn't conducted of her entire body. That could have been a terrible oversight given the severity of the wound. After a few days when she was able to stand and get around a bit while, we were changing her dressings and discovered the hidden wound. 

The big cat had incised her breast area with a razor sharp claw!  It actually looked like the cat used a box cutter! The antiseptic and the "Silvex" wound dressing were hauled out and the gash was properly treated and bandaged. Even in so short of a time, the wound is almost totally healed and no further antiseptic is required! Amazing! 

She's still not in her usual perky good mood and tends to be a bit brisk with Fuzzball and Pedro, the neighbor's pup. Perhaps she's feeling remorseful about not being able to rout the intruders who threatened the ranch on her watch. She needn't worry since I always give her plenty of kudos and love whenever I can. She digs every minute of it!

A quick note: if you don't have any "Silvex", please do yourself a favor: get several tubes. This stuff is amazing. It's a type of colloidal silver and it aids healing like nothing I've ever seen  (and I've seen a lot). We gave some to a friend who had some sort of open wound that was not healing properly. He used it then went to his doctor who wondered what on earth he did to heal so fast and so well! It's only about 8 bucks at Wal-Mart so grab at least a few of tubes the next you drop by to see Ol' Sam (or order it from Amazon or such). You won't regret it. 

Fuzzy, the Horn Dog or Stuck Doggie Dog: The other day, some of the "indoor work" was being attended to (upstairs in the office) when a call rang out on the HT (our ever-ready Baofeng BF-888 handy talky radios) to come downstairs. Being disturbed isn't too big of a deal since it's difficult to not be disturbed when you live at Rancho Relaxo where disturbance is a way of life. 

Lo and behold....the call for assistance came from Connie the Canner who had just been apprised that our dear playful young 40 pound pup, Fuzzy Doodle, just had his coming of age liaison with, of all things, "Stella", the neighbor's bulldog (who was very much in heat)! However, the liaison wasn't the issue; it was the fact that no one knew what to do when FuzzBall overstepped himself and got stuck on the job! 

My lightning-fast mind thought, "This ought to be interesting!". I'd seen such things in the past but had no idea how to resolve the matter without changing the course of the dog's history. I can do paramedical things but vet things are pretty much above my pay grade. I mean...what do I do? Do I grab a hacksaw or will a crowbar do? Do I call for some "KY" jelly? Will a little dab do me or do I need the entire tube? Will there be parts of my hand in the dog's next bowel movement if I do any of this? Will Fuzzy even have a DNA distributor when he's all freed up? Will I be a hero or a zero? Many thoughts raced through my mind as I stood there. 

Connie the Canner must have been praying because the matter resolved itself and Fuzzy, the horn dog, rather enthusiastically and, with all of his body parts intact, came prancing back into his own yard (I could have sworn he was smiling). As you can imagine, there was a huge sigh of relief expressed by the bewildered and helpless rancher. All was well again. Maybe it's time for me to give Fuzzy at little talk about the "birds and bees". Then again, his English language skills aren't all that great. 

The thought of a Bulldog and Labra-Doodle mix isn't an inviting one for this ol' dude. Let's hope that this is a "no go"  fling with no call for a "shotgun wedding" and further hoping that the neighbors get the hint to have Stella fixed. EGAD! What a thought!

Beans! Beans! The musical fruit! Or, Hark! Hark! A Fark!: The other day (when lots of things happen around here), the Ol’ Rancher whomped up a mess of ham and beans. Now, I don’t have a clue as to whether or not y’all whomp up your meals or not. But, here at Rancho Relaxo, we do a lot of whomping. It’s sort of, “To whomp or not to whomp; that is the question”. Anyway, what do you do with three large ham bones and meat scraps that were just released for service after being carved out of three large hams? Obviously, the answer was, "It's “whomping time”. 

The bones and ham were tossed into a large pot and the "Great Northern" beans were prepped (Navy beans work just as well with some folks preferring them instead). The usual ingredients were tossed in (celery, onions, and carrots) and some garlic, salt, and pepper, were added. Chicken bullion makes for a great soup base so that was included. A couple of cups of small-diced potatoes were also added. That's a North Carolina version that I really took a liking to. The beans were then added and the fire was lit. After a couple of hours of simmering, we had ourselves a feast with which to feed the old people!  

Of course, there are always consequences when you mix high-fiber beans with hungry teeth and a cavernous maw (speaking for myself, naturally). It seems that the little tiny bacteria and enzymes in the human body are overwhelmed when they meet up with our tasty legume friends. There is an inefficiency in the digestion of sugars that results in a pungent, gaseous, and musical byproduct (try not to bring that or your banjo to choir practice, please).   

This knowledge did give us pause. We were afraid that, if there was a boisterous gaseous exchange between two old people, we would be reported as having enough noxious gas emissions to affect climate change and get ourselves reported and arrested! We could even get fined for disturbing the peace! Besides, what would we tell the neighbors while we collect our bed sheets from their front yard (isn't there a song, "Blowin' in the Wind")?

Thankfully, our enzyme friends and bacteria buddies were on the job and working overtime so their were no serious seismic events (although there were a couple of tremors). And, we didn't even trigger the CO alarm. Luck abounds. 

Whackin' out back or Big ol' bundle of boundless beat: Sometimes, you've just gotta go outside and get some whackin' done. That happened a couple of days ago when the personal biorhythms and the stars were all aligned and the tired Ol' Rancher had a couple of sips of coffee to help jump start things. 

The initial chore was to haul the hoses out, clear/purge the the irrigation system, and set the sprinklers for the orange trees. "No biggy", said the head hose honcho. Well, as you might imagine, things went downhill pretty quickly from that point. 

There's a monster plum tree that had been planted in one corner of the orange patch that had grown too large. It prevented access to the two orange trees behind it. So, something had to be done to get water to them and soon, at that. It was time to do some whackin' out in the back forty (which is actually the back 1.5).

Whacking (otherwise known as pruning and which applies to most other work around the place that requires hand tools) requires a lot of energy. Energy is usually husbanded around here for good reason. There just isn't a major supply of the stuff so any  commitment to use it must be given great thought. But, this is Rancho Relaxo and sometimes there just isn't any time for serious deliberation. The trees needed water. 

The pruning shears were dragged out and employed....at noon....in the hot sun.... without warming up the muscles.... and without taking time to don a long sleeve shirt....brilliant. After about ninety minutes of full throttle whacking, the bloodied and beat rancher slowly made it back to the house. The watering would have to wait until the next day. There just wasn't enough "gas" left in the tanks.  It took a couple of days to recover from that spur-of-the-moment decision. Note to self: try not to do that again, Obi Wan Old Fogy. 

Well....there you have it: another short episode of the long happenings at Rancho Relaxo: home of Rancho Ran, the world's least-most greatest authority: home of the Yo-Yo  twins and home of a retarded duck: home of Connie the Canner, the world's greatest side-kook and CEE (Chief of Everything Else): where the air smells and where alliteration reigns supreme: where being modern is optional and where there are no slaves to fashion: where the eggs are always mostly fresh: where things can get...interesting: where it's all news to me and where...you just never know.