Rancho Mucho Stuffo

Hey, all you villains (Porter-villains, that is), this is the newly overhauled Douglass A-4 Skyhawk that sits at the entrance of the Porterville Municipal Airport. She surely looks great after they spiffed her up!

Stuff is starting to pile up little by little. This is just the beginning but we can expect a flood of things and soon at that. This is looking north from the driveway. Springville is directly on the other side of the hill in the background. It's a 3.5 mile drive to get there.

This nice grassy area will be covered with people in only a few days! You can see the vines to the left in the picture. We got a lot of really tasty grapes this year! Grapes are our friends!

This is the front of the rancho. It, too, will soon be a beehive of activity. Love our shade trees! We'll prune them back in a couple of days to folks don't whack their noggins on the limbs.

This is the Coop de Ville and Wooly Pully bringing in the last load from the hangar. We've had the hangar stuffed with yard sale goods for almost a year. Next year's yard sale will start the day after this year's yard sale ends, don'tcha know.

This is a couple of days after the pics above. We now have a real pile of stuff. That's not all there is! More is on the way!

Now, just where do we stuff this stuff? The tables are not set up yet in the pic but they are now here and most are set up and ready to go.

One of our regular vendors, Leanne Chapman, has already started unloading things and getting ready. Her goodies will take up most of the entire "island" you see there and almost to the road. She's good at it!

Well, it’s October…2019. Doesn’t that just make you wanna hock your genuine “Wham-O” Hula Hoop?!  Sure, it’s a beloved keepsake from 1958. But, who needs a trip to the ER, eh? Oh, and that comes from …1958.  *SIGH*.

Just when you get comfortable with one month, another one comes along and takes its place. It’s like we’re ripping through time with the same irresistible force as a mile-long brake-less Union Pacific locomotive hurtling down “Cajon Pass” into San Bernardino. Moving along.....

Lots and lots of great stuff is happening at the ol’ rancho. We’ve had folks loading us up with blessing after blessing after blessing! Add to that the many great deals we’ve run into at yard sales and we just have to stand back and marvel! Here's the news on some of the latest happenings. 

Rancho Blesso: not long ago (when lots of things happen around here), two of our clients passed away. Their widows called and asked if we would come over a pick up some stuff that had belonged to their late husband. That amounted to at least four trailer loads of goods with the back of the van loaded too.

Then, recently, a neighbor over on Lower Globe Drive advised that he is moving to Sacramento. He knew about us through another acquaintance and asked if we would come pick up some of his stuff that he wasn’t going to be able to take with him.

Well, as per our usual modus operandi, when folks throw blessings at us, we don’t duck! So, we headed over to his house and loaded up the trailer and the van with all kinds of goodies! Then, he called us a couple of days later and said there was more! More is our friend! We headed back over and picked up another trailer and van load which included a nice saddle, three horse blankets (I didn’t know that they made designer horse blankets, did you?!), a 4-saddle saddle tree, misc bric-a-brac, and a gorgeous like-new “Mr. Coffee” programmable  thermal coffee maker. That’ll come in handy, no doubt.

Well, a few days later and after he and his wife discussed the matter, it was decided that he needed to get rid of yet more goods! He called and we went back over and loaded up again!

Then, a lady we don’t really know but who knew about us, dropped off a large box of like-knew set of “Taste of Home Annual Recipes” and some other really nice stuff! Stuff is our friend!

Rancho Quatro: not long after our client gave us a ton of stuff, she also gave yours truly a 250cc Honda Quad ATV! It starts at the first touch of the starter button and doesn’t miss a beat! It may not seem like a big deal but it has enabled me to get quite a bit more work done and in less time! It has a hitch on the back that can support either a 1 7/8” or a 2” ball so I can haul both of my trailers as I please! Zowie! Its new rancho name is “Quatro”…of course.

Sale on!: we're getting ready for the BIG yard sale during the Apple Festival. It's one big cloud of dust with a pile of two old people at the end of the day! You can believe me when I say that, before, during, and after the sale, Ol’ Rancho Ran and Connie the Canner are a couple of too-pooped-to-pop old folks!

There is stuff stored  in the hangar at the airport, stuff stored in the pole barn, stuff stored in the barn, and stuff stored on the back porch. Most of it is ready but there's a lot more that has to be cleaned and priced and ready for the big event. 

We had about 20 tables last year and I thought it looked like we’ll have 20 this year! If that doesn’t that just sift your “White Lily” self-rising flour, Connie just advised that we will probably need a few more tables than that!

Wooly Pully is our main hauler for now. We’ve been loading and unloading the trailer for days. It gets tugged around by Quatro (which arrived at just the right time to be a huge blessing!) and then gets hauled back and forth from the hangar by the Coop de Ville. The trailer, the Honda, and the Coop are handy gadgets to have around!

Then, some stuff has to be pressure washed while others can be hosed down. Connie cleans then prices stuff then boxes it or stacks it somewhere (and there’s no room to stack anything by now…ugh).

We’ll set up on the Wednesday prior Friday, the “kick day”. That’ll take all day to move stuff into place and coordinate with the (expected) 20 or so vendors so they can get set up.

Boxes, tables, and stuff are starting to accumulate all over and all along the driveway. It’s going to be a big deal again this year! That means that we will have the resources to head out for Texas. But,  we won’t being going on our annual vacation in November this year. The funds will be available next spring when we do go. We decided that we’re just too tired to enjoy the time off. Our new practice now is to never start a vacation when you are exhausted (or you’ll return wrecked and in need of a vacation).

Lay one on me: we have an “eggs-citing” news report! We just harvested our first dozen eggs and are now getting a regular supply of farm fresh, organic, free range, eggs! Our girls are now pros! Sure; they were a bit small on size but they were huge on flavor! I guess we can call them “practice eggs”. Nevertheless, they were delicious especially since we added bacon, steak bits, and crispy hash brown potatoes! Not only will we not have an egg shortage, the eggs will always be the best you can get anywhere! Whoooo,doggies!

Connie the Washer Woman was outside hanging clothes and heard one of the girls loudly proclaiming the “I just laid an egg” cackle. From experience, we know that she was saying that she was really proud and was letting everyone know just how great she was at it!” After dealing with chickens for a while, you get to understand what the clucks are clucking about. I call it “understanding Chickenese” but who knows. Just as long as no one refers to me as the “Chicken Mumbler” my feathers won’t be ruffled.

There you have it: another short episode of the long happenings at Rancho Relaxo, home of Rancho Ran, the world's foremost authority (the previous one died) and Connie the Canner, world's greatest side-cook: where the air smells like dirty work jeans, hot coffee latte’, and freshly washed sheets: where things can get...interesting, and where...you just never know.

Rancho Sin Trabajo...In Your Dreams

Just peachy!! Here are a couple of our absolutely gorgeous and wonderfully delicious nectarines (not related to the Nazarenes that I can tell). Not to brag but, these were the best peaches we have ever had. Connie the Canner couldn't get enough of them. Unfortunately, the single tree (the other one died) only produced enough for a couple of old folks and not enough to share (a real pity, eh?).

A couple of times per month, the Ol' Rancher gets to pick something other than peaches. Here he is as the Ol' G-Tar Picker at "Golden Hills" in Porterville. It's a lot of fun and there's always a pot-luck so life is good. Left to right: Chuck McGuire on bass/vocals, Kirby Shropshire on drums, Ol' Ran on lead guitar/vocals, and Jack Guthrie on the steel guitar. All of the band members are long-time local players. Kirby and I both live in Springville, Chuck lives in P'ville, and Jack lives in Exeter. Guest singers and musicians pop in from time to
time. Lots of fun, food, and dancing.

Here's the star of the chicken show, Strutarooski, the big, bad, beautiful, proud, arrogant, feisty, Rhode Island Red rooster. I love this bird! The feathery females seem to like him, too.

This is Rancho Rafto, our little 14' fishing boat that has yet to get wet. It's tagged and ready, though. It'll need a quick maintenance walk-though to make sure the motor is ready to go and such. It also needs a tad of cleaning since it has been sitting idle as a rat hatchery for way too long. The tires are good to go and the trailer is fairly new so it shouldn't be long until it's lake ready.

Here are the old folks from Rancho Relaxo enjoying themselves at the church luau. Connie the Planner planned a luau for the church and it was a blast, to be sure! We played "Hawaiian Bingo" using "Goldfish" as card covers. How innovative! Everyone played Bingo and ate "Goldfish"! There was also a bowling game that used coconuts as bowling balls and Connie constructed pineapple pins. It was a great! She then led everyone in a hula lesson using "Pearly Shells" as the theme song (of course). Talk about a hoot! There was a brief movement to include the picture of the Ol' Preacher in his hula skirt but his protesting brought it to a quick demise. Trust me; it was not a pretty sight.       




Well, it’s September…already. Doesn’t that just make you want to dial BR-549? Man….this month snuck up on us like a barefoot Shoulin priest! Time not only flies, it flies supersonically. *SIGH*.

Things are moving along pretty well here at the ranch and the old folks are prospering and are in health even as their soul is prospering. However, to keep up with things, we have to rise fairly early and stay up somewhat late. That’s not too much of a complaint because we just need to get stuff done. It’s a lot of hard work but at least the pay is lousy. We’ve been officially “semi-retired” for quite a while but, what that really means is that, we’re waiting to be hit by “semi” so we’ll be able to retire. Not holding our breath.

Hardly working: while we’re working hard, some of our equipment isn’t trying quite as energetically to comply with our desires. For instance, Tojo, the pickup is taking a lot of time off due to a ruptured fuel line. Our mechanic friend and brother, Rudy, is dealing with some health issues and time constraints so Tojo will be out of service for a while.

Now, if someone hands the Ol’ Rancher a couple of wrenches, he may be able to get to it. And, if he can get to it, you just know that he loooooves to lie down on his back and work under a car….in the summer heat. So, we’ll see if he can git’r done (or at least use the weed-eater to keep the grass away so someone else can). The old dude has the tools; he just need a….day off… and some cooler weather so he can work on it. Shouldn’t take but a couple of hours (uh-huh). I guess the good news is that I don’t work very fast but, then, I don’t pay myself much either.

Not only is Tojo not cooperating, the big lawn tractor’s battery decided to up and croak. Oh, and it croaked right when the grass was higher than it had ever been here except during the Jurassic period. The grass was so out of hand that Abbie was having a difficult time making it from the front yard to the back yard. That’s not good.

Even after taking the big (and greatly-appreciated) “Echo” weedeater (a highly recommended addition to any farm, ranch, home, hut, hovel, or hideout) for a long stroll, the grass was still ready for reaping and bailing (and, that doesn’t even address the high grass out in the oranges).

Well, that was good for a nice suntan for the Ol’ Rancher (though he had deliberately stopped tanning his body a few decades ago). Thankfully,  the recovery from that sunny excursion only required a few Ibuprophen and a short nap to quell the aching muscles’ protest…loud protest...very loud protest.  

Fortunately, a new battery was appropriated within a few days, was installed, and the 26 hp rig is ready for “somebody” (who has a day off) to fire it up and get to mowing. It needs to happen soon and before someone hangs the title of “Shaggy Meadows” or “Lost Cause Acres” on our beloved ranch.

The heat is on: oh, but wait, folks; there’s more. The Coop deVille’s cooling system is rebelling and is introducing intermittent labor strikes to insure that we give it more attention (I just hate attention seeking cars, don’t you?). Though the temp gauge is showing “normal” and the needle is exactly where it’s supposed to be, it is experiencing “after boil”. That means that it sneakily shoves out small amounts of coolant which later creates an issue of sudden overheating because the coolant is gone (and that’s about as welcomed as a dust storm at an outdoor wedding).

Quite unexpectedly, the temp gauge will slide to the far right red zone (red zones are not our friends). That forces the old people to have to pull over and wait awhile (in the HEAT…heat is not our friend, either) until the motor cools down and a jug of coolant can be tossed in. That’s no big deal unless it happens on Interstate 5 going over the “Grapevine” ….in the middle of summer… or you really need to be somewhere and don’t need to be late getting there.

There’s a new thermostat ready to install which should cure the matter. It just needs somebody to install it. Maybe it won’t get lonely because of having to wait too long for a good mechanic to come along. Maybe a lousy mechanic can do the job. We’ll see.

Thankfully, the weather has changed somewhat and cooler temps are expected. Soon, we won’t be hearing conditioners wheezing against the heat and seeing folks buying new pump and blower motors for their swamp coolers.

Not cool: since we’re talking about “temperatures”, things got…interesting….around here the other day (of course) when one of our two year old “Kenmore” freezers decided to un-freeze without giving us any prior warning. When your trusted freezer starts leaking water and refuses to comply with your desires to keep your goods rock solid, you just know that you’re going to have to re-write your day’s agenda. All plans were scrapped and a new frantic ad-hoc program was implemented.

Without much energy on tap to engage such an exigent operation, the rescue crew of two donned their best attitudes, aprons, summoned their small (as in, very small) energy reserves, and commenced to salvage what they could of the rapidly deteriorating scenario.

Side note: not to complain, but this was the second of the two new “Kenmore” freezers to up and thaw out (due to a faulty thermostat controller). Both times threw the nice couple at the old folks home into an un-welcomed tizzy trying to get a handle on the melting matter. Both the Ol’ Rancher and the Ol’ Rancherette have been life-long fans and purchasers of “Kenmore” products but their freezer line has been eliminated from our shopping list. Continuing……..

Since this was our fourth freezer to “code” on us (two in the barn also thawed a couple of years ago when the circuit breaker opened and no one noticed for …a week...that truly was an ugly mess), it wasn’t our first “dog and pony show”. Stuff had to be dragged out and cooked, stored, or re-stored so we wouldn’t have to discard all of it. The game was afoot.

The first thing that we did was to just start hauling things out and sorting into piles of useable, likely useable, maybe useable, and “ain’t no way it’s useable”.  Some things were still tightly sealed so they were not a problem. We just stuck them in another fridge until we decided what to do with them.

Another fairly easy part was figuring out what was already freezer burned. Though way too much of our meat was freezer burned (i.e. the silly old folks didn’t prepare them for long-term freezing in the first place), it was decide to salvage all of it for dog food. That meant that Ol’ Chef Ran had to fire up the BBQ grill and get to cookin’!

That endeavor made for a grueling ten hour day and left the head BBQ’er a tired, body-dragging, mess by day’s end. The good news is that everyone in the neighborhood thought that we had an all-day cookout of some kind because we turned the place into a wonderfully-smoky salivating and slobber zone.

Ah, but you have to store the 50 pounds of cooked meat and there was simply no place to store all of it. Oh, that part. We decided to call a couple of friends who have multiple dogs (and who have working freezers) and they were delighted to take what seemed like a ton of cooked meat (pork, chicken, beef, and whatever mystery meat hot dogs are made out of).

That was that but we still had a lot of BBQ’d pork ribs, pork belly, pork chops, ham, beef steaks, and chicken that had been cooked and that was meant for humans. Since both of the old people at the ranch qualify as humans, we’ll be taking up the task and getting a fork right on it (being a carbon based life form does have its perks, you know).

Somehow, Connie the Cooker, slinging and cleaning stuff the entire day, managed to find a place to store the food until the hungry old people need it. We did lose quite a bit of stuff but it was beyond salvaging. It was dragged out to the trash cage for later disposal (when some old dude has a day off and can haul it to the dump).  

There’s still a couple of packages of sirloin steaks that need to be grilled and a few large trout that someone needs to toss into a pan with some butter before they turn green. Besides, Connie just advised that she's tired of them looking at her and wants them gonzo. Other than that, we’re now waiting for the parts that were ordered by and are to be installed by “L&S Appliance’ (who fixed the other freezer when it went down for the same reason).

We lost almost two work days dealing with issue and that left us way behind on all other matters like computers, church stuff, and yard and garden work. That’s not usually too bad except that, not attending a garden (in this region) for a couple of days can mean the loss of the entire remainder of the growing season. The computer clients are (thankfully) very understanding and patient so all is well. The same goes for the church family who are very understanding and patient about such things (e.g. it has taken two months to finally fix the church cooler). 

So, after taking a half day to tend another exigency (which was getting the final wiring issue on the church’s cooler motor fixed), we’re even further behind. Things sure can get…interesting…around here.

At least we’ll be well-fed. Actually, we started overly well-fed so I reckon that we’ll be mega-overly well-fed which means that our diet has been postponed…again.

Mad rain: most followers of “RR” know that “mad rain” is when you get just enough of a sprinkle of rain to mix with the dust on your car to make it muddy. There’s not enough rain to even rinse it off and it leaves your vehicle in a mess and it makes you mad. Well, that kind of rain is about as useful as having a twin-engine fly swatter. 

Well, it “mad rained” the other day (when lots of things happen around here). There had been absolutely no clue that rain, regardless of how much, would show up that day (at least not on our Doppler radar. We don’t watch TV but do check NOAA weather online). Maybe the pro weather people weren’t caught flat footed with mouths agape but we were.

So, the old folks were a bit surprised when Connie the Washer Woman stepped outside to hang up some wash (yep! We have a clothesline at the ranch! We love sun –dried towels and sheets!) and the air smelled like rain. She then listened and it sounded like rain. That made sense to her since, earlier that morning, while in the “twilight zone” and just prior to deciding to arise for the day, she heard what she thought was thunder (I think I just blew my English teacher’s fuses with the way I punctuated that mess).

So, having another “mad rain” meant that the Rancho Ran had to hunt down one of his TEN DOLLAR-per-wash “Rain Drops Ultra-Car Wash” tickets and get the van de-mudded and spiffed up again. Doesn’t that just shave your Shih Tzu? *SIGH*.

We found out the next day that, further up the mountain, it actually rained quite a bit more. Those folks at least got their cars rinsed off without it costing them a part of their life savings.

Chickening report: our ladies are big girls now and are our new “Biddy Brigade”. So, now that we have a big, bad, beautiful, roost -ruling rooster to protect them, we started letting them out to free range.

In only another month or so, our biddy buddies will be producing fresh free range eggs. It is difficult to explain how spoiled the old folks are after having farm fresh eggs for a few years. We can hardly wait until our breakfast plates are covered with them again!

Connie the Canner is already making provision to store some of them again. She’ll use the “water glassing” method which keeps eggs fresh for at least nine months. Thanks to water glassing, even after our previous birds were gone, we had their eggs for another few months.

Speaking of our new rooster, we love this big guy! You couldn’t ask for a better rooster to rule over your bird herd! If that doesn’t dust your rug, he’s tame! He makes sure that his ladies get first dibs on whatever food is available then he will step in afterwards and peck out what he wants. It’s great!

After watching this gorgeous huge Rhode Island Red rooster strut his stuff and crow a lot, it was decided to name him, “Strutarooski” (no relation to Ignacy Jan Paderewski , the great piano player). It is highly suspected that he will be called, “Strut” or “Rooski” most of the time.

He’ll be a big part of our plans to allow a couple of our gals to be brooders and raise some chicks for us. There’s always a bird or two that just can’t wait to sit on a batch of eggs for a month. It’s happened here before so it’ll happen again.

There you have it: another short episode of the long happenings at Rancho Relaxo, home of Rancho Ran, the world's foremost authority (the previous one died) and Connie the Canner (world's greatest side-cook): where the air smells like a big BBQ feast: where things can get...interesting, and where...you just never know.

Rancho Quake-O

 Everybody, into the pool! The Howdens were slightly delayed in their move to Houston so that allowed them to come up for another visit! Connie made sure that we had a wading pool available on the patio so the kiddies could get wet and beat the heat (Ol' Ran just parked in front of the A/C unit and stayed dry).
This is Cozette, helping Warner and Kuyper while Moira is the bottom left. Baby boy Becker is being buoyed by big brother, Thatcher.

Connie the Canner is in the background and doing lifeguard duty. Thatcher is bottom left while Liesl, the second eldest child, is on the right. Mom, Trixie, is at the bottom.

Miss Moira is all wet! They all had a great time of it! There was lots of great food and lots of great fellowship for three days. To say that we'll miss the kids is an understatement.

Hello dolly! This is one of our much-used
dollies here at the ranch. It has two new solid "never-go-flat" tires (on sale at "Tractor Supply"). No more having to stuff "green snot" into the tubes!  Love it!

Talkin' 'bout my generation! This is the rancho stand-by 3.5KW generator. It recently needed a carb overhaul. She runs great so it'll be ready for the next local chili cook-off. Of course, the ol' rancher will need a...day off so he can  do that.
We actually entered a chili cook-off about 6 or so years ago and the generator came in handy! No, we didn't win but it was fun. Our chili was number two.

This is a small portion of the plums we have. Plum good!

Here's a shot of our girls doing what they do best. They're the Pullet Pecking Posse.

This little cutie is a "Golden Lace Wing Wyandotte". She'll sit on my leg/lap and will let me hold her. Wyandottes are just plain gorgeous birds. We may add a silver lace wing to our bird herd at some point.

Well! It’s August….2019! Doesn’t that just make you want to put the lime in the coconut and drink’em both down? Moving along…..

A whole lot of shakin’ goin’ on: one evening in July, Connie the Canner and the Ol’ Rancher were wending their way back home via one of our favorite supermarkets. We hadn’t been in there very long and were casually shopping when the floor began to do the hootchie kootchie , things around us started making noises, and stuff started falling onto the cement floor.

This not being his first quake, and since he was still able to maintain his footing because nothing was assailing him from above, the old dude just paused and took it all in. Some of the glass items met their demise on the floor while metal goods just clanged away and were sprawled about the place.

Connie had just simultaneously opened the door to one of the dairy cases with another shopper when the milk started shaking (there goes another good straight line). She glanced at him as he mouthed, “earthquake”. She quickly nodded in hearty agreement. Neither of them panicked or ran so all was well at the diary case.

The store manager was heard over the intercom advising that everyone should exit the store. Since the quake was over, we, in a most unhurried way, strolled out the door with a few of the others. Some stayed indoors. In only about a minute, everyone was back inside furiously texting the rest of the world about their latest adventure in California (as was yours truly).

Though we took a pretty good hit, we knew that, wherever the epicenter was, folks got jostled far worse. After catching the news on the Internet, we found that the quake's epicenter was Ridgecrest and registered 7.1 on the Richter Scale (doesn’t this make them Quakers or Shakers?). Ridgecrest is only about 80 air miles from us so that’s why we were tossed about as much as we were. 

There has been a myriad aftershocks so who knows what will happen next. 

Thar she blows!: not long ago (when lots of things happen around here), we had to rent a car because the Coop de Ville blew a heater hose. It could have been a lot worse had we not been close enough to make it the local AM/PM where we had access to lots of cold drinks and such. A quick call to AAA, a fifteen minute wait, and we were hauled to our preferred fix-it shop. A short time later, we are renting a car.

The Camry needed shocks and wasn’t safe to drive (it’s back from the mechanic’s place now). So, we rented a new Chevy Malibu from “Enterprise” (which was the only rent-a-car establishment in the almost-a-real-town of Hooterville, CA).

The sleek, shiny, sporty, black, beauty actually wormed its way a couple of inches into this “Ford Man’s” lil’ ol’ heart. The ol’ steam-powered Luddite Rancher had to admit that he was warming up to modern, fancy streamlined, transportation. But, it offered a couple of curve balls which could lead to a “swing and a miss” if not alert and conscious enough. Lots of “not alert and conscious enough” seems to be happening around here for some reason. I wonder if it’s age related (to quote my old friend, Lurch…."Uuuuuuuuuh").

For one thing, it had a set of large fobs that opened the doors and opened the trunk of the car. But…there…were…no…keys. OK, fine. But, I don’t think they should do that to old people. We want keys! Keys open things and cars are things! They start things and cars are things! Keys are our friends!

Anyone want to tell the big, tall, old, dude how he plans on starting the thing? Is this a hot-wiring contest or something? Did they hide the crank? Are the new cars now using old methods like magnitos that don’t need a key (think lawn mower)? 

When I got into the car, it had a large "Start" button. That’s a good start (sorry…couldn’t help my cornball self); but, don’t you have to turn things on before you can start them?! I have to do that with the Coop de Ville and every car I’ve owned for the previous fifty years! You have to do it in airplanes, for corn flakes (master switch, mag switch, then starter)! I don’t have to do that with the Kitchen Aide mixer but….a car?! I just looked at it like a four year old and almost didn't know what to do with it!

Hoping that there wasn’t a hidden magic master switch or a multi-function fob, the Ol’ Rancher took a leap of faith and depressed the big reddish button (and depressed was what he would have been if it hadn’t started). To his delight, and with a sigh of relief, the Malibu’s smooth-running six-cylinder engine instantly sprang to life. The old folks were good to go so they could prowl around showing off their shiny ride! Score one for "common conditioning". 

Whooo, buddy! Right from the git-go this little black cutie started slipping deeper under my hide. She was sleek and she was as peppy as a coon dog puppy. Man! Talk about “get up and go”! It made the Coop de Ville look like a Volkswagen with a personal problem! And, she handled like a dream and accelerated like a bullet!

Connie, the non-sports car enthusiast in the family, not wanting be jostled about until her molars and spine cried out for relief, felt it prudent that the old guy didn’t try to act like a young guy. That is to say she recommended that he shouldn’t try to prove the manufacturer’s advertised performance specs, confirm the cornering limits, or check out the seat belt’s restraining capabilities. Good idea, Hon (nothing like a prudent wife to help a guy behave, eh?).

Ah, but the old blood was starting feel like young blood again. I mean, after all, Ol’ Rapid Ran once owned (in his fearless, courageous, and foolish days) a drop-dead gorgeous, fire engine red, sexy, ’67 Ford Fairlane GT. She was equipped with beautiful white bucket seats and sported a big 390 CID engine cranking out 320 hp (and…yes…I am still kicking myself for trading it in for a 6 cylinder Mavrick "Grabber"). All of that muscle was coupled to a 4-speed tranny and it could (and did) shift from third to fourth at….105 mph! The blood temperature was rising as thoughts from the past roared up, flooded my memory, and fogged my eyeballs. 
  

On one occasion, at 4AM on the Illinois 20 Bypass in Rockford, young Randy decided to see just what his big, bad, boogey machine would do if he shoved the foot feed to the floorboard and held it there for a spell. Frankly, it was a bit hairy! After shifting from third to fourth at over 100 mph and giving the gas pedal no slack, I watched as the clock was still climbing north from 130 mph! That's all, folks! I lifted the pedal from the metal and let her cool down. That's the first and last time I've gone that fast without having a Cessna strapped to my fanny.  

I still cringe when I think that I did that while running bias-ply tires. Had one of those rubber coated chunks of fiber separated, they would still be looking for pieces of me and the car from Rockford to Cherry Valley to this day.

In any case, just because I didn’t fully check out the Malibu doesn’t mean that I couldn’t, was afraid to, or wasn’t tempted. Wisdom prevailed….this time.

Yes! I want fries with that!: on our recent trip to Torrance, we had the pleasure of having din din at really cool place called the “Island’s Restaurant”. It’s a fancy burger joint, to be sure, and you just know that burgers are our friends! Not unexpectedly, we had to wait awhile for the no-few hungry burger lovers to sate their hunger, tidy up, then head out leaving their booth for us. That truly is “life in the big city”. 

The burger was great but what had me by the nose, pallet, teeth, and tongue was the heap o’ fries that they served… in a big ol’ basket...which was conveniently placed near Ol’ Fang, the French fry connoisseur! Whooo, doggies! When Connie asked if I could smell them, I said, “Oh, yeah…all the way to the back of my skull!”. Needless to say, the old fries lover  got his fill that evening. 

Just pullet: our fourteen almost-layers-but-still-cacklers are going great. You should see them! They are big, beautiful, and healthy pullets to be proud of! With this bunch of feathers, time was taken to coddle them a bit. They are much tamer than the previous batch of beaks. The Ol’ Feather Farmer doesn’t care much for spooky chickens.

I’m getting back in the swing of speaking Chickenese, too. That seems to go a long way with keeping them at ease (I wasn’t as rusty as I thought I was). Most are amenable to being held and will follow me around like I was their momma (type casting for a dumb cluck, I should suppose). It shouldn’t take long to get back to being the “Flockmeister” (or flock-monster depending upon who you talk to).

Anyway, the ol' hen herder also gets to wear his “chooze” (chicken coop shoes) when wending his way about the coop. You are probably hearing a bit of a Spanish accent but I do live in California (eh, simpaticos y los buenos?). They are in such ratty condition that there’s little that can be done to make them worse (even in a chicken coop). 

For whatever the dynamics, the “chickening” routine and other discomfort zones are returning. But, it is different now because we have fewer birds and they aren't laying yet. Once a birdbrain, always a bird brain, I suppose.

Chooze update: the old ratty chooze have been ditched for a nice pair of “Crocs”. I just received three nice pairs of “Crocs” so one of them will be used as coop shoes and garden sloshers (or, “gasloshers” as I like to say).

Good gravy!: life is just a culinary bummer if you don’t add a batch of biscuits and gravy to your life once in a while. So, the other day, in full bummer avoidance mode, Connie, the “Good Gravy Grannie”, made life way better for the ol’ rancher. She fired up the skillet and oven and brewed up some fresh hot biscuits and bacon gravy. Add to that some good ol’ creamy butter and you can see why there was a post-prandial smile on Rancho Ran’s greasy mug! 

Any day of the week a plate of biscuits and gravy will keep your backbone and belly button from bumpin’! You can bet that he’ll soon be back for more of that southern goodness!

Taking a leek: Ol’ Chef Ran has wanted to scratch build a pot of potato and leek soup for probably twenty years. But, he just didn’t seem to get around to it. So, since there was a bunch of ripe leeks in the garden, spuds in the pantry, and other spices, ingredients, and tools on hand, he grabbed the leeks, snatched his apron, and went to work!

It wasn’t really that big of a deal since there are only a few ingredients and spices. The leeks were prepped, the spuds were peeled and chopped up, and the garlic was diced up. The half-and-half was readied, the chicken stock prepped, and the parsley was hauled out. All but the parsley was plopped into a pan with chicken stock in it. After bringing to a boil then simmering until the spuds were soft, the soup was allowed to cool a bit. Then it was tossed into the food processor where it was pulsed a few times. The result was some really good highfalutin non-Okie soup (the Ol’ Rancher being a good CIO – California Improved Okie, don’tcha know)!

There was enough to share with my mother who loves potato and leek soup, too. I’m sorry that I’ve overlooked this recipe for so long; amends will be made to my tongue and stomach.

Mas verdes buenas: everyone knows that there’s only two things that money can’t buy and that’s true love and home grown tomatoes (thank you Guy Clark!). So, while his apron was still hot, Ol’ Chef Boy How-Dee decided to whomp up a big ol’ beef stew and use some of those big red beauties he had just picked!

Connie the Canner (ever alert to the potential for aberrant behavior of her hubby boy in the kitchen) noted that it was a bit warm for a hot stew. Well….yeah. I guess there’s no harm in using facts around here especially since it was about 102 outside. 

Somehow that message didn’t get to my tummy and its amazing appetite. In response, it seemed appropriate to ply her with such reasoning as the need to use up a bunch of fresh home grown tomatoes. After all, who wants their maters moldering on the counter and their celery melting in the fridge? And, it just seemed reasonable to grab a chunk of chuck roast and lighten the load on the freezer, too. With an almost hidden grin and a slight rolling of the eyeballs, she acquiesced to my “kitchen logic” (bless her heart). 

Well, you can probably imagine the next move altogether. Right! Out came the big bad beautiful “Power Pressure Pot” (the cooker formerly known as the “Power Pressure Cooker”). The ol’ 6’ 2” 220 pound apron hanger and bottle throttler grabbed his favorite sharp kitchen whacker and went to work on a new culinary creation!

When the steam had settled, what came out was what most everyone calls a “beef stew”. But, I just called it “Rancho Ran’s DGS” (translation: “Rancho Ran’s Darn Good Stew”). It just seemed to taste better with that appellation for some reason. And, the heat didn’t seem to affect our appetites. Amazing.

For the next feast we’ll be using some of Connie’s freshly made spaghetti sauce! You can only imagine how good fresh home-made spaghetti sauce is when it is made with tomatoes you grew yourself! Doggies! That stuff is good!

Plum full: the plums trees around this area are ripening up and there are plums galore! We have three loaded trees so have more than enough for ourselves and plenty to share.

Well, so does everyone else! One dear neighbor, Joyce, has a tree that is so loaded with huge ripening plums that the limbs are starting to break! So, she called to ask if we would come over and help ourselves to a bunch of them. We most gladly did that, of course. Then, a few days later after others had taken some, the tree was still over-burdened so she called again. We came again and hauled of a bunch more! How cool is that?!

Of course, a lot of them were found at church on Sunday and were shared with others. Everyone was plum full!

Maggots, anyone?: I thought not. Maggots are about as welcomed as a cactus at a nudist colony. However, you may be surprised to know that such weird things can help out a lot around a chicken ranch. 

Here’s the background story: we have a compost pile out in the “back not-even-40” by the orange trees. But, we keep compost storage barrels near the chicken coop so we don’t have to walk so far (you do remember that old folks are running the ranch, right?). The barrels are filled then they are hauled to the big pile. Note that all of the compost is vegetable matter which, by and large, eliminates any offensive odor.  

Recently, we tossed in a bunch of various and sundry melon rinds, wilted fridge tailings and such. They were mostly furry, green, lab experiments. Who knows; we could have the next big penicillin breakthrough!

What happened next was a big first here at the ranch. The other day (when lots of things happen around here), after the veggies had melted into a black tar-like goo (thanks to our hot summer days), the Ol’ Rancher was about to toss more gunk on top of the goo. Much to his surprise, he noticed that there were “things” moving about in the big metal can. You should have seen the immense gladness that descended upon on him when he saw that there were thousands upon thousands of squiggly maggots all alive and well in his  compost barrel! In no time at all, huge wads of big ol’ fat maggots were being hoisted up and hauled to the hungry hen horde!

The girls got to work quicker than a vegan can drop-kick a ham! They were pecking so fast it was amazing! Not one of the little buggers got away. Those feathery gals were merciless at gobbling up their free protein (free protein is our friend!). It was great!  

An attempt will be made to maintain the maggot culture to see if we can continue collecting these unbecoming freebees.

On top of Ol’ Swampy: Ol’ Swampy is sure earning its oats this year. Summer has finally pounced on us and the old swamp monster was ready to put the kybosh on it. It was 105 degrees the other day (when lots of things happen around here). But, when we got back from Hooterville, it was a comfortable 79 degrees at Rancho Relaxo (aka Casa Go Pee Pee)!  A couple of hours later, the temp had only raised one degree! Most swamp coolers can be counted on to keep the temperature differential at about 15 degrees. However, Ol’ Swampy was keeping it at 25 degrees difference! Love my swamp cooler!

There you have it: another episode of what's happening at Rancho Relaxo, home of Rancho Ran, the world's foremost authority (the previous one died) and Connie the Canner (world's greatest side-cook): where the air smells like your grandma’s kitchen (or like my maternal Grandma Kitchen): where things can get...interesting, and where...you just never know.

RANCHO COOLIO JULIO

This is a (very) small sample of our latest harvest. In fact, the beans are a third picking! The crook necks are as large as we got due to some goof ball rancher who is armed with the wrong colored thumb.

. 

This big boy will be used by Connie the Baker to make a mock apple pie! Her mock apple pies are amazing!

A heap of green! 

These beauties (to the left and below) are now ripe and we're harvesting and eating them all the time! They are a special variety of plum and they are marvy! 

This is the new sign for our church! Friend and brother, Charlie Morrill, a professional sign painter, overhauled it for us.

Sometimes it's just pretty around here. 

Look at the price on these strawberries! This is at our new "Aldi's" market. We go there often. "Aldi's" is our friend! 

This is Warner Philip Howden's first birthday! We went to Torrance to both celebrate his birthday and to visit one last time before the Howdens move to Houston. 

Here's dad and mom Howden, 
Dan and Trixie, helping 
Warner Phillip enjoy his
birthday cake.

Here's some of the happy Howden kiddos enjoying the party. 

Just another cool gorgeous sunset
in coastal southern California.

Well…it’s July….2019! If that doesn’t just make you want to teach your grandkids the “Monster Mash” (it'll catch on like a flash!)! How can it be that we’ve torn through one half of another year?! Are we at the end of the roll of toilet paper or what?!

 Moving along…..

It’s time for the “Rancho Relaxo Report”. All’s well here at the Ranch except for the same few screwy things that always seem to happen. All in all, though, we’re are prospering and in health even as our soul is prospering.

Cool, Dude: our weather is remarkable, to say the least. It was 56 degrees this morning and it will only be about 95 degrees for a high. The other day, it our high was 88. The plums were late to ripen up but that's hardly a price to pay for magnificent weather. 

A grand (kiddie) time: it was grandson, Warner Phillip's, very first birthday so the old folks loaded up the Coop de Ville and headed south to Torrance. The weather was even nicer their. I think the high for the first day we were there was about 68 degrees. I can live with that! 

The party was a big hit with lots of good things to eat and young Warner received a pile of gifts. It was good to see other family members like Connie's daughter, Brandi, and her son, Cade, who flew in from Seattle for the gig. 

And, it was held outside in the beautiful SOCAL weather. The old folks got a bit too much sun but they still had a good time. 

The bash was at about noon-ish the second day (Saturday) so that left us with lots of time to visit and look around town (as in...go yard sale'ing!). Visit we did but sale'ing we really did! 

We always clean up at yard sales. But, sometimes you get three "7's" in a row. That means that you end up with a deal that leaves you with a grin so big that, if you weren't stop-drilled at the ears, the top of your head would fall off. That happened on this trip! 

We went to a number of sales but there was one place that had a box of ten brand new sealed cases of DVD's and CD's. The total retail value was easily over 200 bucks. Connie and I then added a handful of other smaller items to the box that was now worth a lot of dough. Time to check out. 

The guy pointed around in the box and pondered and said, "How about 75 dollars?". Now, that there is a really good price. But, I reckon I had a haggle on so I said, "How about 25 dollars?". He said, "Well...how about 50 dollars?". I pulled out my wallet, opened it, and hauled out all the cash in it, stuck it in his direction, and said, "How about 36 bucks and I won't take my wife to breakfast today?". He grinned and took the money!! Zowie! Jackpot! When we got home, we figured that we made off with at least three hundred dollars worth of goodies! 

When the day was done and we were back home (at about 6 PM or so), we still had to crank out the bulletins for church and get other things ready to go for Sunday morning. It was a long couple of days but we did have a good time. 

Gaining yardage: the rain and a bit of irrigation have turned the lawn into a mess of green things that are all mixed together and pretending to be grass. So, it’s time for the Lawn Ranger to saddle up his riding mower, Ol’ Greenie, and git after it (“Hi-Yo, Greenie, away!” - Silver was taken. Sorry about that, Chemo Sobby). Alas, riding, bumping, and flailing around on a lawn tractor is not my forte. But, it’ll have to be done or we’ll lose the dog in the grass…again…and people will think that George of the Jungle just moved in.

If push comes to shove or the riding mower croaks (and we’re reduced to a push mower), good friend and brother, Gary Laird, will come to the rescue. He’s a professional and always leaves us proud of our yard.

We also need to whack a tunnel through the big Mulberry tree whose canopy overshadows the driveway. That’s always fun. The three antennas on top of the Coop de Ville get fouled and mauled by the limbs if that doesn’t happen. So, the limbs have to be cleared away but that’s just another chore at the ol’ ranch.

One antenna, two antenna, three antenna, four: one antenna is for the scanner which is tuned to the police, fire, EMS, and aircraft frequencies. That’s a carryover from my time in each of the above services (though not a fireman, I was stationed at a number of the “North Central Fire District’s” stations in Fresno County when the company I worked for was contracted to them for paramedical services). Plus, it’s sort of nice to be able to follow what’s happening around the area when something heavy goes down.

Another is for my Yeasu VHF 2 meter Ham transceiver. The third is for the Chicken Band (CB) radio that I’ve recently decided to haul around for grins.

It’s all part of a preparedness mode that I’m in. Having a CB radio in the car when you travel out of town is actually a pretty good idea. You can always listen to the truckers when there’s something happening or amiss on the highway. Having one has served me well in times past. 

We also carry portable FM handy talkie radios which are invaluable for short range communications. These little guys are cheap (about 15 bucks each), effective, and very very easy to use and are at least as handy as a new Crescent Wrench. I say this because, though I’m a ham radio operator, Connie isn’t. So, they are easy enough for her to just push the button and talk and she doesn't need a license to use one.

These are considered to be of enough value to mount a smallish fourth antenna on the van. In doing so, you actually double the range of the small 2W radios (don’t pay attention to their advertising which claims that they produce up to 5 watts. That isn’t going to happen and would pull your small battery down in a couple of minutes anyway). The mag-mount antenna is actually on hand. I just need to decide if I want more wires dangling around inside the car. 

It’s interesting to have an antenna farm on top of your vehicle. On one road trip back east, Connie and I stopped at a truck stop in Texas (for all you old C&W fans: “Truck Drivin’ Man” – Jimmy Fell 1954) for fuel. A lady approached me as I was pumping and advised that she had been following us for about 20 miles or so and wanted to know if we were storm chasers.

You "Villains" out there (that would be "Porter-ville'ens") may want to know that the large field in the background is where the old "Porterville Drive-in" (aka "The Passion Pit" and "The Sin Bin") was. My guess is that there will be a huge apartment complex going in (ala Fresno where they have a bunch of those huge complexes sprinkled about). 

Rats! Well, when you live in a rural area, vermin seem to be part of the landscape. You can choose your shoes but you can’t choose the flora and fauna around the house where you park your shoes (you heard it first here). So, you just know that your patience will be tested from time to time by some sort or size of critter who just can’t wait to munch on something that you own (and without your permission).

Such was the recent case when our faithful, frolicking, friendly, bark-a-saurus, Abbie the Wondering Dog, found her way onto the back patio. Now, this is an area which is usually off limits for her. This is because of her proclivity to surround a refrigerator and bark until the hidden mouse or rat dies of boredom or she drives her owners to distraction and they forcefully haul her from the patio.

But, being her usual insouciant and rebellious princess self with no concern about obedience, she immediately cornered a shelf on the other end of the patio. She then commenced loudly and vehemently to announce her intention to contravene the plans of the varmint that her nose discovered (and her huntin’ dawg nose always knows!).

Not wanting to listen to her bay all day and not having enough energy to wrestle her off the porch and away from the “tree”, my lightning-fast mind figured that it would be better to just pull the shelf away from the wall and watch the fur fly.

Fly it did! With a slightly-less-than-mighty-tug, the shelf slid out (remembering that my Superman cape is now an apron). Quicker’n a cat can wink its eye, Abbie ripped in behind the shelf, snatched a big ol’ rat, and was proudly hauling her prize off the patio! Abbie – 1; Rat – 0.

A gardening we shall go: the garden boxes are doing fairly well despite my attempt to help things grow by adding too much nitrogen at the wrong time. *SIGH*. That’s another sure sign of not having a “green thumb”; you think you know what you’re doing but you’re the one that ends up being full of fertilizer and things don’t grow quite right.

All complaining aside, the maters are coming along nicely. It wouldn’t be a shock to anyone around here if some of those big green babies soon disappeared from the plants and ended up fried and at the dinner table. If that happens, there will likely be an obligatory mess of fried taters (taters and maters are my friends!) and maybe even a big pot of beans and ham hocks (I think the pressure cooker is startin’ to fidget a bit). All supplies and ingredient are on hand.

The leeks are ripe but I need to know what on earth to do with all of them. I first thought they were just green onions but that notion was quickly dispelled when they grew too big. Leek and potato soup comes to mind so that may happen soon.

The potato crop seems to be doing just great! From what the experts on the Internet say, they can be stored in the ground for a while after they ripen. You just dig them up as you need them. Having a potato crop will be a first for Rancho Relaxo.

The zukes are not disappointing us so far. They must have somehow evaded the eradication attempt and are producing some nice healthy fruit. Connie the Canner has already started freezing some of them (she shreds them first) and will likely can a ton of them later.

The oregano patch is thriving but we can’t seem to put Italian food on the menu. Not sure what that’s all about. Reckon that, if we plant some basil (we have the seeds), we'll no longer have an excuse to avoid making spaghetti.

The yellow summer squash were a bust this year. That was the fault of we know who. They just got too much nitrogen which caused growth but little fruition. What little fruition there was ended up being miniature and/or malformed. The largest ones were about half the size of normal. Next time, I hope to learn how to grow things by being less helpful.  

Goin’ green: Connie the Canner recently put up about a dozen quarts of our home-gown green beans. We’re both stoked about that! Love them green beans! If that doesn’t just knock your Stetson in the creek, a neighbor just brought over a huge bag of his home-grown green beans and a bunch of sweet corn (neighbors are our friends!)! So, she’s busy canning another mess of them.

But, wait, folks! There’s more and more! Since the last crop of green beans was harvested, the garden box has been cleaned and dressed (and the fertilizer left on the shelf) and another round of beans have been planted! Then, two large 36” planter boxes/tubs were each planted with a different variety of green bean. There’ll be no green bean shortage at this ranch!

The bell peppers are about ripe so there’ll be a harvest in about a week or so. Since one of the plants died a mysterious death (but which looked a lot like a gopher attack) another plant has taken its place. Also, we recently came by a sack containing about 40 pouches of various kinds of seeds (one dollar! Yard sales are our friends!). Some of them were bell pepper seeds so a few more plants were set in. With our glorious autumn weather, we can actually plant this late in the year and have no growing issues until December!

That was one of the reasons I made the impulsive purchase of a starter okra plant. It'll be mature and producing scrumptious okra long before the weather gets cold. There will only be the one plant and it will produce more than enough for our gumbo needs. 

There you have it: another episode of what's happening at Rancho Relaxo, home of Rancho Ran, the world's foremost authority (the previous one died) and Connie the Canner (world's greatest side-cook): where the air smells like a pressure cooker full of beans: where things can get...interesting, and where...you just never know.