Rancho Pollo Loco

I'm not sure how many things or animals are as cute as chicks which, I think, are right up there with witto bitty baby bunny wabbits. There are 24 total but I have this sneaky suspicion that we may become a "chicken rescue ranch" or such. Good thing I still remember the Boy Scout motto, "Be Prepared"!

 When I asked the nice man at the local feed store about chicken scratch, he advised that they no longer use that for chicks. Instead they use this stuff. "Load it up!", says I. "Always feed your chickens", I always say.

This is the "un-hatched" carport that we are converting to a coop. The way we did it, we saved more than a payment on a new Ford pickup on fees, plans, materials, and extra time to build by making the coop "portable". The carport is built into 4" x 6" "skids" which are then anchored to the ground. The way that it's constructed, it isn't likely to go anywhere. It's also protected by the barn on one side and a row of tall trees on the other. No worries, mate!

You must have lumber if you're going to build, eh? Well, here's some of the materials and is the first of two such loads. If you've ever wondered what 801.57 dollars worth of lumber looks like, this is it. "Wooly Pully" is surely earning its salt today!! When we overhauled it, we had them install heavy duty springs on it so it will haul around a ton of goodies.

This is the area that I scraped off using the box scraper on the back of the Ranch Rhino. The tradesmen are in the process of putting the corrugated metal roofing material on. The little tree in the lower right hand of the picture is a plum tree that is in full bloom....in February.....which very much seems like...late March or early April.

 An almost-a-coop with a new roof.

You can see the framing in the back and along the sides at the rear. The laying boxes will be along those side walls as well as along the back.

Coming along nicely! The forward part will be a chicken run that is protected by a metal wall at the bottom half and chicken wire above that. I may put a large sign up that says, "No Critters Allowed" or "No Free Lunches" or something to that effect. I don't know; I haven't seen to many local coyotes sharpening their reading skills lately....just their teeth.

The coop is pretty well established but the boxes are not yet installed. With three walls and the vertical studs in place, their won't be a whole lotta shakin' goin' on.

The Rancho Rhino. I love this little guy. The Ford 8N was the first "real" tractor I drove when I was about 16 yrs old. The largest was the WABCO 222F/G, 21 yard self-loading scraper and the largest Caterpillar was the D-8. My favorite is the newer D-6's. Great tractor! The favorite self-loading scraper for me was the John Deere 15 yard 860A. Nice machine and fairly easy to operate. Did I mention that I love the smell of diesel smoke?

Well.....I suppose that it just had to happen; there just had to be a chicken involved with Rancho Relaxo. I mean, exactly how can you call a ranch a ranch if you don't have at least one chicken? In this case, it's actually chickens, as in 24 of the cutest Rhode Island Red chicks you can imagine. In fact, our chicks are cuter than the Kardashian chicks by a huge margin (though I may be somewhat biased in that opinion).

These are all pullets which is also to say that Ol' Ran and his sidecook, Connie the Canner, will have scads of huevos around the ranch. Connie is already looking for any recipes that have eggs as ingredients. "Huevos in the morning. Huevos in the evening. Huevos at supper time. We'll eat those yummy Huevos; we'll eat them all the time" (all you old people surely remember the pop song "Sugertime", I should suppose). Eggs are now permanently on the menu. This is a  good thing.

One Sunday, not long ago, we made mention that we had some plans for adding chickens to the ranch. We didn't advise that our plans were not all that well-formed and that our seriousness level wasn't exactly bending the needle on the "serious gauge". Perhaps we should have because one of the ladies at church ordered a batch of chickens for us! That sort of revved our plans into high gear because the chicks were set to arrive in only a couple of weeks! But, what are you going to do; are you going to complain about free chickens? Not today.

Did you know that "huevos rancheros" (ranch eggs) just happens to be one of my favorite breakfast items? Isn't that a neat co-incidence? You probably wouldn't be surprised to know that I also just happen to have a stash of chorizo stuffed in the freezer, now would you?  Mexican sausage is great stuff. However, you may not want to read the label because the Mexicans eat everything on the pig. Chorizo is made of the parts that are right next to the oink. This leads me to say that "Huevos con chorizo" is also high up on my list of favorites for breakfast. Bet you can guess that it's likely that I'll chuck "Ol' Ran's Pain-free Weight Loss Regimen" out the window for awhile, eh?

Connie rustled up four large washer/dryer boxes that serve as temporary chicken coops. She parked a couple of lamps on each one to keep the chicks warm and made sure that they had a feeder and water dispenser. The small concession we have to make is that the boxes are in the house which makes it smell like.....yep....a chicken ranch. It's a small price to pay for the excellent reward of fresh farm eggs in the near future.

How nice to watch the little cluckers grow as they covert from little fuzz balls with a beak, eyeballs, and spindly legs into fully-feathered fowls ready to make cackle berries for a living. Up to now, they have been feeding on "chick starter" but Connie just added leftover cooked oatmeal and some stale cake to their diet. We don't usually allow our cake to get stale so they may want to enjoy that treat as it isn't likely to happen again (at least, not on my watch). Soon, they'll be getting table scraps added to the scratch.

Of course, you can't have hens without a ....coop. So, that means that our "free" chickens will now cost us about a ton of dead presidents. We had some thoughts about what a decent coop would cost because we had looked it up online. But, when tractor-comes-to-tree stump, we saw that, to accommodate two dozen layers wasn't going to be.....cheep (sorry...it's a cry for help). The good news is that we have a contractor who is quite knowledgeable about such things and is helping us to dial in what he calls the "Taj Majal" for chickens (nothing like pampered chickens, I always say).

Actually, the "chicken palace" is a 10' x 27' steel pole carport with wood framing and such to  keep it stable. It's situated on the west side of the barn between the barn and a row of tall trees. The idea was to keep the brutal summer sun from baking our chickens (though I truly love baked chicken, don'tcha know). So, far there has been a lot of improvising (read: additional cost) so that things will remain stationary and we won't have to fetch our coop and chickens from the  neighbor's yard when the wind blows. There will be a total of 30 (double-row/stacked) nesting boxes across the back and sides. That should keep even the fussiest of old hens happy and clucking along with joy. The remainder will be a chicken wire enclosed "chicken run". Precautions are being made that will deprive the local coyote population of free chicken dinners.

We figured that it will take the sale of about 1,000 dozen eggs (about 3.5-4 years or so) to break egg-actly even on the deal. But, it looks like we'll be egg ranchers soon!  The best that we can tell, the local folks dearly love fresh eggs and we understand why. I grew up eating farm fresh eggs produced by free-range chickens and they're unbeatable. So, "Rancho Relaxo Real Eggs" should be in big demand. 

What with the batches of fresh veggies produced in our garden boxes, we may be setting up a produce stand alongside Highway 190 right next to the "Minnick Computer Services" sign. Maybe we could call it, "Zucchini Heaven Produce Stand" or such. How about, "Squash Me Gently Produce"? I know: "We Only Have Shallots For You". Maybe: "One Tomato, Two Tomato, Three Tomato, Four". "Eggs-cellent Vegetables", may work. Hmmmmm....if we add a hog to the mix (could happen!), then it would be "Greens, Ham, and Eggs". The possibilities are endless (and probably hopeless if I'm allowed to extend my creativity).

When the cluck-asauruses are comfortable with their new digs, we may let them free range. They keep the insect population under control while they fertilize the farm (fertilizer is our friend). They are handy critters to have around. There has to be a new guard dog to watch over them, though. The local four-legged chicken snatchers are pretty crafty. Connie, the Chicken Grandma (has a nice ring to it, eh?), has been watching Craig's List and such for a new guard pooch that will fit the bill. Lots of prospects but nothing has really captured our interest. Most have been too far away and I  refuse to believe that I have to drive 50 miles to find a dog (and won't). Porterville isn't a "real town" yet but we do have plenty of dogs from which to choose.

The garden boxes are pretty much prepped but for the addition of a couple of extra sacks of "make it grow" stuff. It'll be "some of this and some of that" this season. Squash is always a winner. Just throw water at it and it will certainly grow. Tomatoes are a must and green beans have made the cut as has okra. Man does not live by bread alone; he's got to have okra. There are probably twenty different types of seeds on hand and not enough room to plant them all. Connie will see that the important stuff gets planted. "Watermelon", you ask? That may work! We'll see. In any case, can't wait all that much longer or it will throw off our schedule. 

The rains finally came again and gave us a wee bit of wet. The mountains got more than a dusting but still not enough to be called a "real" snow pack. It's supposed to rain again tonight so more relief is on the way.

The "Ranch Rhino" has been tuned up and is all set to go. She purrs like a puddy tat. I used it to flatten out the area where the new coop is located. Likewise, the little "RanchoToyo" pick-me-up truck is tuned, the brakes are overhauled, and the cooling system has been tidied up (it was leaking). Now for the other equipment with a motor on it. I need to make sure that the portable generators are ready at a moment's notice and the chipper and tiller haven't been started in awhile. The trike starts easily but it needs a new rear rim. That shouldn't be a big deal except....the only bike shop in town (there are 65K people here)....doesn't ....speak ....English. I may just order one online and be done with it.

The computer biz is still keeping me busy and occupied. It won't be all that long that I'll be the "village blacksmith" and no longer needed. It'll be some time yet, though. By that time I'll probably be ready to just let it go and focus on full-time ministry. It's not "work" for me as I enjoy the challenges. Guess you could call me "Randy the Tinker Dude".

More later. We'll be adding a rooster to the equation at some point. That could easily be newsworthy. So, don't touch that digitally manipulated, rotating knob, connected to a splined shaft that controls the ganged capacitors which control the tuning of your electrically-powered, A/C rectifying, RF detecting, direct conversion, audio amplifying device that feeds the AF output to a cone speaker, and that sports a lighted LCD display. 

RANCHO MUY VIEJO

Well....here we are again. It's the beginning of a new year and all is well but all is speeding by way too quickly (as though I haven't said that before). So, I thought what I might do is just bellyache about how old I'm getting then show a few pics of the Ol' Ranch over the previous few years so we can see some changes and such.

"Viejo" is the Spanish word for "old"....yep....that about 'splains how we are starting to feel around here now that the shiny new calendar spat another year in our face. "Rando Gringo Viejo" may have a bit of a ring to it but....I may just go ahead anyway and forsake any Spanish I've learned over the years and go back to Ol' Ran (which strangely has only a smidgeon of an age connotation). Besides! I can't possibly be 66 years old! It's more like I'm 36 years old with 30 years of experience! So, my body is lying to me (nothing like one's birth date to interfere with a perfectly good delusion of youthfulness, I always say)!!  

It's not that my entire body is feeling old, mind you. Just the other day I found a place on the heel of my foot that wasn't complaining. Well, come to think about it, my earlobes have been silent in the conversation, too. So, all is not lost. May I tender that it really does help to use a moderate amount of the traditional mood-lifting black elixir of life, espresso coffee. It assists in mitigating the soul's weariness and to sets it free so that it may soar above the doldrums of life (albeit, oh, so temporarily).

Why would a fella want to complain about his age when he can't actually be "old". After all, it's only been about 50 years since I graduated from high school! I mean, it certainly seems like only a short time ago. Aren't the sights, sounds, and smells still fresh in our minds? Doesn't the music from that era still ring in our ears and souls? Can't we still hear the rumble of the hopped-up cars that proudly roamed the streets just waiting to show off by wasting gas and "laying rubber" from a stop light? Can't we still taste the 20 cent  burgers, 10 cent fries, and 10 cent Cokes from Coleman's?  Can't we still feel the vibration of the ill-fitting roller skates at the "Skateway" roller rink? How about the stinging shyness at our first "Sock Hop"? That's still stuck in the frontal lobe on the third brain cell from the left!

Oh, bother! Can't we just ignore the stupid calendar?! Seems reasonable to me (but it is conceivable that age does weaken a person's grip on the reality of time...double DRAT!). Maybe we old people don't even want to engage brain cells in pondering such mysteries of life as we still have more important things on which to expend our mental energies.  Ah, but what comfort it brings when you caress the soul with the warm memories of years gone by.

Moving along....this prime time reminiscing session has been brought to you by the "Group Hug and Clouded Memory Club" sponsored by the old folks here at "Rancho Relaxo".

Now that that's out of the way, here are a few random pictures from the ranch. My hard drive crashed recently so I lost far more pictures than I want to even think about. I had them backed up on a nice 3TB external hard drive that I managed (without help from a single other soul) to pull into the floor to see if it would bounce. It did....but just ....once (my  lower lip stopped bouncing after awhile too). So, I don't have any recent pictures that can be posted. *SIGH*. 

This is a "faith" picture of our garden boxes. That means that we are speaking of those things that are not now (our boxes are an unprepared mess right now) as though they were (just like this picture presents). Just think; in only a few days of back-breaking labor, we will soon have verdant prosperous garden boxes in our back yard! 

This is the cage that now protects our previously unprotected trash. Nothing like well-protected trash, I always say. The idea being, of course, is to keep the critters (of which there are no few around here) from dining on our ex-lunches at their leisure. The dining part is not such a big deal. But, boy! Are they a bunch of inconsiderate slobs! You should see the mess they leave behind!

This is our sweet little storage shed we call the "igloo" (is that obvious or what?). This little guy just fits the bill for storing some of our goodies like lawn mowers and other power equipment. I keep a few gallons of gas on hand in there just in case one more more of the old ranch hands forget to get gas for the other powered stuff around the ranch (keeps us from being tempted to speak "French" should we run out of gas just when we need to use the weedeater). It's a converted cargo container from an early Boeing 747 freighter. Later containers are not made of fiberglass and are not so easily reconfigured. Lots of envious local folks when they saw this handy gadget                                                                                     being modded.

"Ol Ran, the Bee Man", they call me! Well...that's one of the things they call me (and it could be worse, eh?). I want to say that someone could realistically get by with calling me "Ol' Ran, the alien with surround sound ears and a snare drum head". My friends, the bees, don't seem to be particularly offended by my not appearing to be all that human. I left behind a couple of gallons of fortified sugar water so they would know that ....are you ready for this?.....I come in peace.

Not too many things as cute as a mourning dove. This is "Lovey Dovey" our resident baby dove production plant. She blessed us with three crops of chicks that we got to watch grow up. She's sitting on the first two here right at our back door. She broods two eggs at a time. The other two times, she hatched them in the hanging flower baskets on the front porch.

We really love our pole barn. We had no idea when we had it built that ...it would be too small. *Sigh*. The "Rancho Rafto" is the 14' aluminum fishing boat to the left of "Heffalump" the 6' x 12' covered trailer. It has yet to feel the cooling waters of the nearby lake. Next to the boat is the "Ranch Rhino". It's a little 1950-52 Ford 8N tractor with a drag scraper hooked to its three-point hitch. I would own an 8N even if I didn't need one. I love the little buggers and have since I first drove one in 1965. Next to the 8N is usually either the big 27 hp Craftsman lawn tractor (the 8N has 40 hp) or the 5' x 8' stake-side trailer.
Now, that's a handy gadget to have! I can haul anything!
When we had it overhauled, we had the guy put in heavy-
duty springs so it can literally handle a one-ton load!

Here's shot of the front of the barn. The window above is my "radio shack" which also double as my "fishing shack" where I clean, service, and store my fishing tackle. I have some SW gear and some VHF/UHF scanners up there along with a laptop and printer. A CB rig is up and running but it's only hooked to a mobile antenna. I need to finish up with my ham gear. The antenna tuners are ready but the antennas themselves have yet be strung and tuned. Maybe on my next.....day off. The little pickup is our ranch fetcher and shagger. It's the main garbage hauler when we hook the stake-side trailer to it. It's a "Toyota" but I could swear it's built by "Timex".

No trip down memory lane would be complete without a shot of "Ol' Maggie the Wonder Dog". Life just isn't the same without this "love dog" and I truly miss her. She was a hoot to the end.

Here's grandson, 12 year old Thatcher, standing next the 8N that he just conquered. He's now officially a tractor driver. He wasn't the least bit afraid and took to it like a turtle to a lettuce patch. His 10 year old sister, Liesl, not to be outdone, likewise, showed the tractor who was boss! She owned that thing! She was fearless! Yes...that is the igloo in the background diligently guarding our goods. And the trash cage can be seen doing its duty as well. 

No trip around the ranch would be worth much without getting to see the latest addition to the "family". Meet "Cafe Roma", a sweet little (but rather weighty!) like-new, low-mileage espresso brewer built by Breville. It brews espresso magnificently and is actually better than my other one. My big espresso maker is also made by Breville and is a more expensive unit. However, it needs more attention than I can afford to spend on it at this time (perhaps on my next day off). So, Connie, bless her darlin' heart, found this cutie on "Craig's List" for 35 bucks!! That's 35 with a capital Three! It retails for about 269.00! We were the first to call and I doubt if it would have been available for a second inquiry. 


 

RANCHO ENERO

Whew! Once again the first of the year is rocketing by with no regard for my comfort level! Here it is the middle of the month and I’m still waiting for the month to start!

We’ve kicked of the year at “flank speed” and it’s not likely we will decelerate to “slow ahead” any time soon. I’m not convinced that our old barges were meant to go this fast!

The Ranch is still trying to handle to effects of all the goodies we hauled back from our vacation. Stuffing and stowing our booty isn’t always easy since the space in the barn and garage are already pretty well accounted for. We always think of something. 

Well….Ol’ Ran’s head has a couple of extra holes in it. Seems that the tooth fairy has fallen on hard times and wanted her money back from when I was 7 years old. I said, “Fat on you! I spent it!”. The next thing I knew, she snatched 4 of my teeth and left me with a couple of gaps. You know times must be tough when the tooth fairy turns into a thug. *SIGH*.  I'll have to take an antibiotic for a few days and so, far, I don't need any pain meds at all (after the first day). That's nice. 

The weather has been very mild again this January. It’s hard to complain with your day time temps are in the 60’s and you're wearing short sleeve shirts. We even had one day in the upper 70’s! There was a couple of days it did get down to below freezing but, by mid-day, the temperature was back up in the low 50’s. It doesn’t appear that we experienced any frost damage at all.

The bad news is that our precip levels are only about 25% of normal. That’s not good. It remains to be seen what will happen if we get hit with another dry year in a string of them. The state has passed some remedial legislation but they don't tell you the downside of such power grabs. Between the state and the Feds, they have commandeered all authority of all water resources even private well water on private property. But, they're "here to help", right?

Guess which “Computer Dude” is having computer issues and had to rebuild one computer and is in the process of doing the same to another? Yep…the “Grand  Exhausted Computer Poohbah”, that’s who. My big custom-built studhorse quad-core machine decided to go on strike. It’s hard to imagine a big bad beefy box going south on you at the most inopportune time but it did.

We were in the middle of publishing the church bulletins when it croaked. I haven’t started pulling the covers off yet because I don’t have time. Thankfully, I had just rebuilt my other big bruiser, the Dell XPS420 quad-core stomper with 8GB of ram. I replaced the motherboard and both hard drives and I dual-boot to Win7 and Win XP. The Win7 hard drive is 2TB and the XP hard drive is 320GB. Both are running as smooth as buttermilk. The hard part is bringing all of the software up to speed.

The good news is that I backed up most of my docs and such on both of them because I’m really sensitive about backing things up. Wanna know why? Because recently  I accidently pulled my 3TB external back up hard drive into the floor and killed it along with untold numbers of drivers, docs, pics, music and such, that’s why. Hard drives don’t cotton to being dribbled on a hard floor.

My heart sank lower than my jaw but I had to be careful not to be too tough on myself because Connie doesn’t take to anyone beatin’ up on her hubby. I could have ended up with some bruises.

It’s already time to start preparing our garden boxes for spring planting!! We’ll need to strip off the top foot or so of compost and replace it. We’re not happy with last year’s crops at all. This time we’ll probably add some top soil and make a mix. Our friend, Rudy in Springville, just uses the straight stuff and his garden grows like wildfire. Ours just needs to be fine tuned, I suppose.

A couple of apple trees along our front driveway need to be replaced, too. One of them didn’t thrive so that gap has been there awhile. Then, during this last yard sale event, someone backed over one of them and wrecked it.

Likewise, a couple of our vines need to be replaced. The replacements are patiently waiting in their pots but someone (ahem…wonder who?) needs to dig a hole….with a shovel….straining their latissimus dorsi, abdominal, and lower back muscles.

Oh, yes….then there’s the peach tree and plumb tree replacements too. I really think that the Ranch is soon going to see a couple of shovel-toting young fellas working around her for a few hours instead of the old muscle-protecting ranch hand. Whoa!! I just got a loud “AMEN!” from my gluteus maximus!

And, we are getting ready to have a chicken coop built!! There’s still a lot of planning to do but it should be….interesting. Chickens are fairly easy to raise but they still require work. Yet, nothing beats farm fresh eggs from free-range chickens. Most likely, there will be 6 or so layers to start with. There may be some “meat chickens” as well. We have options.

Our bees are happy and healthy. "Uncle Buzz", Dave Cruz, our friend the beekeeper, gave them a clean bill of health the other day. In a few days, we’ll feed them some sugar water. The bloom will be returning soon so we won’t have to feed them again for a long time.

Would you believe, there’s still stuff that needs to be stowed from our last yard sale and after hauling stuff back from our vacation too! Looks like we may be hiring a herd of helpers to help us get these energy-robbing chores done! I turned our upstairs mezzanine area into an "eBay" and "Craig's List" work room, too. So, there are all kinds of sell-ables hunkering in every imaginable corner and stacked all over. That all needs to be pared down and sold. Looks like I need another day off!

Lots of things need to be overhauled around here too. Most of the motorized equipment/tools need to be de-winterized and such. My motor powered trike needs a new rim. The old one is bent. Connie’s trike needs to be built! I’ve not done that yet!! There are still two more small motors that mount on bikes that need to be installed. Did I mention that I need another day off? 

Before I forget, I post this newsletter on “Facebook” for friends and all but also for relatives for whom I don’t have an e-mail address. My database was lost during my computer crash so it’s not that I am trying to snub anyone. If you can send me an address, I can restore it into my contact list (swordman1949@gmail.com ). Also, you might forward to others so I can stay in touch with them too. Thanks.

Speaking of “replacements”, we’re still trying to find a nice pooch to be our guard dog. I’m still thinking that the dog will find us first. The place just doesn’t seem quite right without a dog. The dog house is a mansion so the new tenet will feel special, no doubt. Not sure yet what we’ll name it but a couple of names have been floating about our noggins for awhile. We’ll see.

Anyway….that’s the news from “Rancho Relaxo”. Stay tuned because things…..just might get….interesting.

RANCHO TRAVELLO

Dear Everyone,

We had a great time but are exhausted. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

The end.

Of course, I'm exaggerating but not by much. It has been a productive but exhausting month long period. We were busier than a pick pocket at Mardi Gras to start with and not much has changed after returning. We had to hit the deck a'runnin' (well....a'shufflin' anyway. We plumb ran out of "run" because we had none).

The ranch hands had to ready for the yard sale, conduct the sale, and clean up the yard sale. All of this was done while totally physically trashed and under the gun of an inclement weather forecast.

Then, after beating the rain, we immediately had to prepare for our vacation trip. We went from racking, packing, loading, and stacking to…..racking, packing, loading, and stacking trying to beat the clock this time instead of the weather. We could see ourselves getting into the van and just sleeping the entire first day in the driveway prior to even moving a tire.

With all four tires moving, we had hoped to make it to Redding the first day. That didn't happen. So, we settled in for the night at Williams which is a small town that's about an hour north of Sacramento and the end of about 6  hours of driving for us (hauling a trailer). I knew from experience that an hour or so past Redding (about 1 1/2 hours north of Williams) was the half-way point to Longview, WA but didn’t mind that we would be getting there a little later in the evening than planned.

The next day, after an uneventful nice drive, we got to see son, Michael, who is doing well despite the recent loss of his wife, Roxanne. She was only 38 years old when she collapsed from a cardio-pulmonary embolism. Mike is holding up well and staying in church and connected with his church family. We didn't get to spend as much time as we had desired but at least got to visit on both days we were there.

On Tuesday at 6PM was Roxanne's memorial service. It was a very nice service, indeed, and many of Mike and Roxanne's friends and some of his family was there (her dad was unable to make the long trip from NV or would have been there). There was a pot-luck afterwards and folks had the opportunity to sit and visit. Mike got to see his mother, Vicki, and brother, Jason, whom he hadn't seen in several years. 

It was good to see old friends at the service like Linda Shepherd who I had known while living there. She and her husband, Jim, were on staff at the Community House on Broadway when I worked there and she has remained a dear friend. 

Also in Longview is Jeff Edgecomb who is a long time friend and fellow ham radio operator. He showed us the awesome com-van he is building for local search and rescue use. The local Ham Radio club is heavily involved in emergency communications with the Sheriff's Dept. Jeff is very prominent in that project and service.  

We all got to go out for lunch at my favorite chicken place, "Speedy Chicken" there in Longview. I'm not sure what they do to make their chicken so marvelous, but I'm thankful to have found it and head straight there if possible. I did not leave the place hungry.

Unfortunately, after two days, we couldn't spend any more time there and had to be in Marysville, WA that evening. It seemed more like a drive-by hugging than a visit. Jeff recommended that we depart a bit early so as to avoid the fast approaching storm. We did and we beat the storm (by being north of it) while Longview got clobbered.

In Marysville, we met up with Connie's daughter, Brandi, and Brian, Brandi's long-time special gentleman, and Brandi's son, Cade (“Cade-ster” or “Turbo” depending upon the source). Cade’s grandma, “Honey”, had promised to help him host his first ever yard sale (he’s 8 so he may as well start sooner than later, eh?). That, actually, was half the reason we took “Dumbo”, our 5’ x 8’ covered trailer, so we could haul yard sale stuff to sell (the other reason being to haul stuff to Connie’s brother’s place in Kingsbury, TX).

Connie got everything ready and put the tables on the front porch and staged stuff for the dawn set-up. The next morning, “Californy Connie” got a rather non-California shock (unless, of course, you live in Truckee or such); it was 17 degrees out there! There was ice on her tables too! Despite the rather chilly environment, they made nearly 50 bucks so that got his attention.

The next couple of days and nights were spent more or less concurrently with Connie's son, Tracey, his wife, Erika, and their sons, Jeffrey, Evan, and  Ethan, and with Brandi, Brian, and Cade as her work schedule allowed. We had only seen Tracey's 2 year old son, Evan, but once since he was born so grandma Connie got to hold the little guy a bit.

Brandi hooked all of us up with an unreal eatery called, "The Flaming Onion" where they make hamburgers to die for served with....hang on to your buffalo blanket, chief....unlimited fries! We knocked over that place the two nights that we were there and managed to wreck a couple of great pizzas at local pizza palace while we were in the mood to chew.

After having grand fellowship with the folks in WA, we saddled up and headed diagonally across the nation 2,000 miles to Abilene, TX. Taking that route saved us at least one full day of driving. I had been some of that route in ’91 when I moved from OR to Tulsa. That particular route diverted at Salt Lake City. Instead of heading east from SLC and into WYO like I did in '91, we headed southeast directly for I-40 at Santa Rosa, NM from Provo (a right fer piece at about 670 miles).

That entire route is “high desert”. I didn’t know that but quickly discovered that fact and just as quickly understood that the “high desert” in November is also “colder’n a well digger’s destination”.  In Farmington, NM, we awakened to a rather crisp -2 degrees day. My hot coffee surely did me much good that day.

Anyway, we saw a lot of Utah's and New Mexico's rocks, tumbleweeds, mesquite, and such for a long long time. Still, I had never been to that exact part of those states and wanted to see that part of our country. I had been across part of the top of UT in '91 and had been from Salt Lake City to St. George (SW from SLC) when returning to CA from Rawlins, WY in ’59. We spent the night in Santa Rosa after almost eleven hours of driving and were absolutely bushed. 

The next morning was also a rather brisk one but the hot breakfast of biscuits and gravy, sausages, eggs, and toast helped to assuage the chill, don'tcha know. We loaded up our gear and headed south towards Clovis and then Lubbock. 

With that much driving time and with so little to look at, we spent a lot of time listening to tapes of the Old Testament. We always learn a lot from listening to the Bible on cassette but this time we got a lesson in "smiting". Man! There was a whole lot of smiting going on back then! Og, king of the Tushbites, would smite Haydad the Hodad, king of the Troglodytes and haul off all kinds of booty including the women (am I being redundant?). Then, later, the Cellulites would be tired of being slaves to the Acolytes and they would start a rebellion that included a lot more smiting, looting, and trying to get the other guy's booty (seems not much has changed in three thousand years, eh?).

If that's not enough to make you hug a Hittite, King Jehoshaphat (you may remember him as the "jumping king") had a run in with the old prophet Kawlijah (you know; the one that Hank Williams' wooden Indian was named after) who called fire down from heaven and roasted a hundred arrogant and armed soldiers where they stood.  Of course, the queen, Jezzy Belle, was infuriated because the event had fused her two platoons into ponds of molten grease with sandals floating in them. She was fried that her soldiers got fried and ordered poor Ol' Kawlijah killed. He escaped but later had to contend with the Electrolytes (hmmmm..... maybe it was the Parasites). They were the ones who worshipped the idol, Sudoku, about whom we know very little and even that is puzzling.

Anyway, the Children of Israel ended up in being led into captivity by King Neebookaneezer to Babylon. That's where they grew hanging gardens because land prices had skyrocketed. They just had to improvise by growing everything in pots on the walls suspended by camel hide ropes. Very creative, those Babylonians. 

 Now, by about that time, everyone was clean out of booty because Neebookaneezer had it all and he wasn't about to share any of it or give any of it back. Never had there ever been such a lack of booty in all the land. In fact, the shortage was so severe that they were actually sacrificing animals to the booty gods to rectify the matter. My guess is that they had to send their own army led by Captains, Urshack, Myshack, and Tobedwego,  to some far away land and get some booty for the folks back home hoping that their gods would help smite their adversaries. 

Moving along (thankfully).....Santa Rosa, NM to Abilene was the last leg at the end of that new day. I had miscalculated our arrival by a tad or two (I'm usually off by somewhere between tad one and tad two) so had to re-text Jeff about our ETA. Well, come to find out, I had miscalculated by a third tad (I hate it when I do that) and had to re-text that we would be there even earlier than anticipated. We rolled into Jeff and Sandra's later in the afternoon and limped to the door with a bunch of tired and achy muscles.

We instantly set off Jeff's 160 lb home alarm system. "Izzy", the great Dane, heard and smelled us from her watch post in the garage and alerted the neighborhood (and the city, and the county....biiiiig dog) that we had arrived. She had checked us out but the one time a few years ago so didn't remember us.

It was great to see everyone! Our grandson, Randall Lee Minnick (has kind of a ring to it, eh?), had grown to the 6’ mark. Despite my warnings of the hazards of allowing teens access to a fork, seems someone has been feeding him. He's not merely tall; he's also quite the sharp Ginzu knife and very very talented. Among other things, he's a "Yugio" champ and is quite respected in the local gaming circle. 

Speaking of "food", one place that I always head to when in Abilene is "Grandy's". Son, Jeff, Connie, and I made sure that we made it to the all you can eat breakfast buffet. Their buffet is hard to beat despite their scrambled eggs qualifying for either land fill or EPA Super Fund Clean Up services. Scrambled eggs are not supposed to rattle when you swallow them and bounce when they hit bottom. But........I'll be back.

Since daughter-in-law, Sandra, was booked at another event/dinner (Sandra is one busy lady!), Connie, Jeff, Randall, and I made it to "Fuzzy's Taco Shop" for dinner where I ate my first crawdad taco. It was quite tasty though a bit short of substance. The meat was hidden in a mass of filling but was otherwise good. The Lord willing and the Creek don't rise, on our next trip, we'll take on one of the local roadhouses and stick a knife into a steak.

I had hoped to catch up to a couple of other marvy places while on this trip. Sadly, Harlain's and Howard's eateries are no longer part of the Abilene scene and I sorely miss them. They were both part of my early "Abilene experience" and they had made a great impression upon my palate and tongue.

Wouldn't you know that someone would park an estate sale right in front of us as we traveled one of the main drags there. As you may suspect, we cleaned up! Connie was trying to buy stuff and the nice lady would keep lowering the price until the lady thought it was fair enough. I saw a stack of 6 rods and reels and 6 rods for sale for 5 dollars each. I asked the gent in charge, "If I promise to buy a lot of other stuff, would you sell me all of those rods and reels for 20 bucks?". He advised, "Yep. Sure would". So, I hauled them off and stuck them in the back of Dumbo. Always take a trailer to an estate sale, I always say. We got fishing gear, fabric, vintage pyrex kitchenware, bric-a-brack, tools, hardware supplies, Corningware, and what all! It was great!

After two days of fellowship, foodship, and getting caught up on family things, it was huggies all around  time. We loaded up and were BOI and headed out for Kingsbury, TX. Kingsbury is 5 hours of driving further south (keeping in mind we're still pulling Dumbo which makes the air much more difficult to push aside).

We rolled into Roger's place that evening around 9PM. Roger and his very special lady, Charlotte, met us. It was really cool to get to finally know her. We had talked to Charlotte on the phone many times but had not had the opportunity to meet her. So, when we did, we just adopted her and she adopted us! It didn't take long at all! We're all family now!

As a quick aside: Roger's place is also the site of the "Pioneer Flight Museum" which is an excellent and extraordinary parcel of Texas soil!! Antique and vintage aircraft are displayed and operated alongside period autos. You haven't had fun until you've driven a Model T Ford! This place is a sight to behold when they have their semi-annual air shows (more on this subject later)! Check'em out!: http://pioneerflightmuseum.org .

We could only visit a short time that night since Rog and Charlotte are early risers. That worked for us since it had been a long trip and we were ready to head to the bunkhouse too. We advised ahead of time that we would not be early risers but to leave the coffee pot on anyway and we'll catch up whenever our bodies decided to cooperate with our agenda.

The bunkhouse was brother Chris's FEMA castle. He and other brother, Steve, purchased two nice large trailers from the government and moved them to the airport. We stay in one or the other when we're back there. They sit out quite a distance from anyone so it's really nice and quiet. It so quiet most of the time that you can hear a frog hiccup at a hundred yards. 

In the morning, after cracking our eyelids and redirecting our duck back to his assigned row, we finally got to visit and get caught up. It took the next two days and we weren't even close to being finished. It was a great time! It's just such precious time with our family that makes our efforts worth it all.

Some of our visiting, of course, included reacquainting ourselves with the great Chinese buffet in Seguin about ten minutes away. They have those excellent spicy steamed crawdads that I’d been wanting to re-engage for quite awhile. I don't recall that we've been here but once that we didn't go there and I think it's because they hadn't built the place yet! There's another Chinese buffet down the street which does a great job but this newer and rather larger place seems to be a magnet for hungry folks.

Though we missed all inclement weather while driving, there was a beautiful T-Storm on the Saturday that we were in Kingsbury. I love T-Storms (please don’t tell my psychiatrist). Anyway, when Sunday rolled around, the skies were clear and bright and the temp was warm and comfy. I would have been somewhat disappointed not to have experienced a nice thunder-buster even if it was only a small one.

We visited a United Methodist Church with Charlotte and had an excellent time. They are a bunch of super nice folks that I would love to be neighbors with. They are just as super nice as the folks at the other Methodist church in Prairie Lea ( about ten minutes or "just short of an axle greasin'" from Kingsbury). We visited that church three years ago when there.

After church, we had lunch (have I mentioned that food is my friend?) then visited as much as possible. Charlotte whipped up a batch of lasagna for the crowd which we quickly disposed of (have I mentioned that lasagna is my friend?). It seemed like the clock was spinning like a fan because, in short order, our time there had ended. 

Monday morning after breakfast, Connie and I packed up the mules and departed. It was “hugs all around” and we were BOI (back on the Interstate). We were just 1,500 miles from home. 

We took the same route out as we took in because it is the shortest distance. In between Abilene and Kingsbury is a smallish town called "Fredericksburg". Though out in the middle of nowhere and a bit beyond, it is a "hub of happening" all of the time. Make a quick note that Fredericksburg is far far away from any sizable amount of water. For now, I'll spare everyone the details but this is the hometown of Fleet Adm. Chester W. Nimitz, the commander of the Navy's Pacific fleet during WW2. Guess where they parked the museum that is named after him? Yep....right there in Fredericksburg pretty far from any significant body of water. So, guess what Ol' Ran and his trusty side-cook, Connie, did? Yep, again.....we visited this excellent WW2 museum and even took a few pictures.

It took the usual 3 days to get home. It was our “day off” and we were not in a hurry. Nevertheless, we stayed in the saddle for ten hours or so per day so we could ensure arriving home somewhat early (so we could get ready for church and such). The first night on the road was spent in Grants, NM and the second in Kingman, AZ. 

 The entire drive was uneventful until we hit Bakersfield where we created an “event”. We laid waste to the  “Golden Corral” buffet for our Thanksgiving dinner. That was nice. They put on a feast not to be equaled even by “Home Town Buffet”. We celebrated T-Day at a HTB in Riverside, CA a few years ago on an even longer return trip from back east. But, "Golden Corral" is my favorite regardless of holidays. I’m going out of my way to go back down there…..soon.

I’ve driven “straight through” to Abilene from Porterville once…just once….and that being the last time. In 2000, my shiny new A/C compressor locked up on Highway 58 directly across from Edwards AFB. It was the middle of June and more than 100 degrees out there in the middle of Nowheresville. There was no way I was going to drive through the deserts of the southwest any more than I had to during the daytime in the summer! I simply had to drive at night and bear up under the brutal daytime conditions by keeping my soda cup filled and the windows open. I made it to Abilene just in time for a long nap.

The van rolled into the driveway at home at about 6:40 PM or so. It may sound goofy but we were in bed at 7:30 PM. That has never happened before and I hope that it never happens again. We were simply exhausted. I slept for two days and nights; I didn’t even do that when in the hospital!

We’re still unpacking and such. I’ve got a ton of stuff to do and a ton of computers to work on (not a complaint) in addition to overhauling my computer which crashed. Connie’s computer needs to be tinkered with and I have two other personal boxes that need attention. We have clients calling and that's a good thing. Things should be back to normal but who knows how soon.

Springville has seen a bit of rain so our region is starting to green up. That is a most welcomed relief for us who have simply tired of living in an area that looks like a pizza that has been left in the oven for a couple of days. The forecast shows at least some small amount is due here soon. I can set out my new fruit trees and a few new vines because the ground will be soft. As it is, it's harder than concrete. Given enough rain and a bit of preparation by the old folks, Rancho Relaxo should be braced and ready for the next summer which will be here in only a few months.

That also means that we are "winterizing" the ranch and that also means that we're "Christmas-izing" the ranch. Connie has taken to the task with a vengeance and has started stringing lights and pulling the decorations from their nesting place in the barn. This is concurrent with stowing stuff..still...from the yard sale (*SIGH*). It's a never ending battle to preserve the "Rancho Relaxo Way" (which, you'll be pleased to know, is close kin to the "Cowboy Way").

There you have it; the latest adventures of "Ramblin' Ran and Cruising Connie". Stay tuned as you just never know where our Pirelli Tires will take us. Things could get ....interesting.

RANCHO EXHAUSTO!

Man!! It’s been a long long month! In fact, I think this wasn’t an ordinary month; I think it was actually 60 days long! It certainly seemed that long to my exhausted airframe and aching muscles! UGH.

 Things started out smoothly enough, I suppose, but we had little hint of the “interesting” things to come. Who could suspect that we would soon be charter members of “Richard Simmons’ Rack, Pack, and Stack Weight Loss and Body Abuse Program”?

That “program” has just concluded. We quit! NO MAS! That was brutal! There is every reason to believe that this will be the last of the “pay me to abuse myself” yard sales for Ol’ Ran and his side-cook, Connie the Canner. I think we’ll just supervise next time! I’ll even spring for the pulled pork. But, I’m sure that I will leave the expending of mega-joules of perfectly good energy to others who haven’t wised up to the benefits of conserving such a precious commodity.

We started by hauling stuff around from storage in the barn and out back. “Out back” is the colloquial term we here at "Sanford and Son's" use for any place at, around, or near the back yard that can accommodate our yard sale treasures until they can be exhibited for sale. Most others call it a “junk yard” but, hey, what do they know?

After hauling, there’s the arranging. This year we personally had almost 20 tables on which to stack stuff and lacked space for 50 more boxes of stuff!! We never did get it all displayed for lack of room!!

Nevertheless, the visitors were completely unconcerned about our space shortage and threw money at us anyway (we didn't duck!). There were so many people that showed up that many were saying that the main event in Springville wasn’t the “Apple Festival” but our yard sale! Amazing!

Part of that dynamic was the fact that our next door neighbor is a professional seller who buys and sells everything from yard sales to storage rooms. And, he owns an auction house in town. He also had a huge sale at his place (he has since moved so it isn’t likely that next year’s event will be quite so large). If that isn’t enough to make waves in your gravy, the neighbors across the street set up a yard sale and vendor lot in their front yard! We think that some of the vendors who would have ordinarily set up booths at the festival set up shop there. There’s more room, just as much foot traffic (probably even more!), and much more room! Makes sense to me.

For three very long days we sold stuff and more stuff by the ton! It think this entire part of the Valley is completely stuffed out by now and won’t need any more stuff at least until next October!

There was a sad note, of course. Folks noticed that Maggie the Wonder Dog wasn't there to greet everyone. We had to advise that her career had ended. All agreed that she would be sorely missed and were saddened at her demise.

Then, Monday showed up. That was the day we checked for missing parts on our sore bodies. Even though they were all accounted for, we were fairly certain that the count was off at least a tad (though it felt like two tads to me).  We were really sloooooow to get things tidied up afterwards for two reasons. One was that we simply had run out of spizzerinctum. In case you don’t know what that is, it’s when Texans have a mouth full of barbequed brisket and don’t want to waste any of it by spitting it on a nearby soul by trying to say that word. They merely say, “ he’s tuckered” instead of using "He's plumb run out of spizzerinctum" in a longer sentence. Those Texans are pretty sharp folks if you asked me.

Another reason we were slow to pull up stakes is that people still stopped by for the entire next week to buy stuff!! Guess they hadn’t heard the word that the Valley had already been filled up with …stuff. That worked for us because, during the next week, we actually sold an additional 500 dollars worth of ….stuff (I’m not making this ..stuff…up).

All told we made enough to cover the expenses for the vacation to WA and Texas! After the pain in our bodies and souls is assuaged, I suspect that the need for a quick cash infusion to pull off a vacation may lure us back into the personal physical abuse profession yet again. We’ll see.

My guess is that the dynamic is much like having a baby. After going through the labor pains and delivery, no one in their right mind actually wants to do that again! In fact, I think that the government is lacing our drinking water and sodas with a “feggettabouttit” drug of some kind so that women won’t remember that sane people don’t do such things on purpose. Anyway, after the pain and mess is behind us, we probably will hatch another yard sale scheme and fall into our own trap. That's gotta be a cry for help. *SIGH*.

That takes us to week two; that’s clean up week. Keep in mind that we had not really recovered from “work week” yet. No, we weren’t baby sitting the place as during the sale. But, we had to stay close to home if we could. And, we still had to attend to the computer business and church. “Long days and short nights” sort of sums up the deal. We were already bushed coming into the clean up part. I felt like I had gone six rounds with Tyson and lost both ears in the match!   

Ah; and there was a catch. There’s always a catch. This time it was a weather forecast that predicted rain. How about that? No rain for 8 months and …..it rains during clean up week! So, old slow-boat-to-China had to get a move on and get stuff stowed; there were only two days to work with!

Now, Ol’ Ran doesn’t like doing two week’s work in just a few days. His body votes against him every time he even thinks about such silliness. But, since I just happened to have a "Federal" brand .357 caliber bullet handy, I had to bite that bullet and git’r’done”. Well, my gitter was rather rusty and in need of repair so I knew that this could be a real “event” of some sort. It wasn't a pretty sight at all.  My bet is that there were folks swearing that they had seen Grandpa McCoy limping around the place.

Stuff that didn’t sell (I’m truly getting tired of that word, aren’t you?) had to be either hauled off to a friend’s perennial yard sale or tossed into “Heffalump” for storage (that’s our big white 6’ x 12’ covered trailer, in case you didn’t know). Other stuff (sorry) had to be tossed into “Dumbo” for the trip. “Dumbo” is our beautiful newer 5’ x 8’ covered trailer. We’ll be pulling it to WA and TX. Connie advised some friends that it looked like “Heffalump’s” baby so we named it “Dumbo”.  

Next, we had to haul other things (“Thank you, Brother Randy!”) back into the barn and others went onto our large back covered patio. But, not until a large stash of boxes was parked under the carport to protect them from the looming threat of precipitation. These will alll be dealt with at a later time when at least most of our body is operating nominally (which could take awhile....I was thinking perhaps less than a year).

Then, the trash and the huge supply of empty boxes had to be manhandled. Boy, that was fun. That’s right up there with pulling blackberry bushes up with your bare hands. Thankfully, we were able to conscript a couple of fellas who were willing to trade some sweat for a few ducats which really helped us more than a metric ton.

By the night of the rain (10PM now and still waiting for the first drop that was supposed to be here no later than 6PM), Ol’ Ran and his faithful sidecook, could barely move our sternocleidomasoid muscles. We could breathe but it hurt to do that too.

Speaking of rain, the forecast is for 100% rain tonight. We are supposed to get at least ½” and perhaps more. It’s about time! The city fathers were getting ready to change the name of my home town to “Pruneville”. That’s not good. 

Not long ago it seems that I overheard a guy saying that we had been without rain for so long that he was ready to sacrifice his virgin daughter to the goddess, Pele, but that he couldn’t afford the round trip airfare to Hawaii. Maybe he hit the lotto, someone bought his tickets, or maybe there’s another dynamic at play here (as in many many folks praying). In any case, it will be great to get our area wet again. It’s been so bad that our green frogs are turning brown to match our lawns. We suck up so much dirty air around here that, when we sneeze, everyone ducks to avoid supersonic dirt clods. It’s not a pretty sight.

 In a couple of months, in all likelihood, we’ll have our greenness back and the river will be a real river again with water in it. And, we will have disengaged our short term memory insuring failure. We will have forgotten the hardships of spring, summer, and most of fall. All of God's "chillin'" will rejoice at the moisture and relish the coolness of the winter and early spring. Life will be good again.

So, there you have it, neighbors; the latest from Rancho Dusto and its ranch hands, Ol’ Ran and his sidecook, Sweeter’n Honey Connie. Things are likely to get….interesting… and soon at that because we’ll be headin’ out for yonder on November 9^th. There’ll be lots to share.

Rancho Updato Para Octobre

Well, ….September has been…interesting. It has been a very busy month, for one thing. That certainly isn’t any kind of a complaint at all. I don’t like just vegging except with the intent of purposeful Sabbath rest (like taking a good nap when necessary - which such naps seem to be…. now that I’m old enough recognize a “good thing” when I see it). There is no moss on my hoss ‘cause I don’t think it’s necessary. The computer biz is steady and I rejoice in that. The church is prospering and I am utterly blessed to proclaim that fact.

Also, we just lost our daughter-on-law, Roxanne, on Friday the 26^th. She experienced a cardio-pulmonary embolism. That’s the sudden affliction that paramedics wryly call “vapor lock”. She was but 38 years old and had been in good health on the whole. Certainly, no one expected such a phenomenon that would end her life at such an age.

Roxanne (thou shalt not call her “Roxy” or thou shalt risk dismemberment) was a “cat person”. She had recently lost her long-time feline friend to old age and had found replacement that she and Mike were breaking in. She loved staying in contact with her Facebook friends too. I recall her popping in on the instant messenger service from time to time to say “Hi” and stay in touch. We're going to miss our gal. I wish that we could have said "goodbye". 

Because of her demise, I have a sneaky suspicion that there could be some changes at Rancho Relaxo occurring within a few months. We’ll see. I’ll keep us all posted, to be sure (I need to know these things too).

The certainty of the end of this fleshly existence has always been on fairly prominent display in my life. For instance, you don’t have to be in the ambulance business long before you get the picture that humans are a frail and fragile lot. Some folks just don’t grasp that concept early on and then lose their already fleeting life when they push their luck with youthful antics and foolishness. Many were the times when my partner and I would have to see people deal with the unexpected interruption of life of a loved one.  You don’t ever forget such things.

Sometimes the end would be tragic while, at other times, it would be the expected-but-still-difficult loss of a life blessed enough to have experienced fulfillment (e.g. grandparent, great-grand parent, et. al.). It's always rough no matter what. 

Even after I retired from the paramedical profession I couldn’t seem to get away from confrontations with tragedy and loss. It seems like I was always getting bad news from all over the place. Nothing has changed and nothing will change; we’re all….humans (though from time to time I give my wife reason to suspect that I have at least 50% gorilla DNA).

The earliest that I recall having close contact with the “Grim Reaper” was in 1960 when my great-grand mother, Margaret “Ma” Sanders died. She was on her way to church when she slipped into eternity from the rear seat of the car in which she was riding. The elderly couple who had picked her up knew only to bring her home and call an ambulance.  I still see her slumped over with her head against the corner as we waited for “Imperial Ambulance” to arrive. That picture has never faded. She was 70 years old. Of course, that was ancient to an 11 year old boy but not so much now that I’m a 65 year old….great-grandfather. 

As an aside, only 8 years later, I would make my first ambulance calls as an attendant with the same “Imperial Ambulance” in Porterville (thank you, Emmy). That experience led me to quite-rewarding paramedical opportunities within only a few years of that inauspicious start of a young man in possession of an “Advanced First Aid” card (thank you, Mr. Lofton). My life was never and will never be the same after that. 

Like most folks, funerals were a part of my life in general whether it be for a near a relative or a close friend. My dad died in April of 1979 when he was 52 years old. In December of that same year, my brother, David, died. Within a few years after that, other near kin passed away. And, guess what? They continued to do that and, in fact, are still doing that.  Amazing, eh? OK; moving along.  

Our big annual “Apple Festival” yard sale is looming on the calendar. It is the largest yard sale event in this entire country! Last year we had 22 vendors and it looks like we will have no fewer sellers this time!  Connie asked one lady how she like the “Apple Festival”. She looked her right straight in the eyes and said, “I don’t come up here for that. I come up here for this yard sale”! What a hoot.

We’ll kick this thing off on the 17^th of October but we will need to set up our stuff on Wednesday and Thursday prior to the weekend. It takes at least that long to get ready. Connie has actually been preparing since the last yard sale! She prices every single item!! I’m preparing two crockpots full of pulled pork for lunch and probably a barrel of chili con carne for the second day. Not sure about the third day. We’ll all be so tired we may just eat cold wieners served with a can of pork and beans. Everyone will have to open their own bag of chips and probably the beans.

Despite the fact that we’ll feel like sleeping for two days straight (I kid thee negative), we need to take at least a week to clean up the mess afterwards. That will please Connie to no end because, for now, she says we look like “Sanford and Son” out back (I kid thee negative a second time). If it weren’t for the fact that most of the stuff will sell and be converted to gasoline for the trip, it would have already been converted into smoke and ashes.

She said with much dismay that it looked like a bunch of rednecks lived here what with having all that stuff out there. However, I was only ready to call us “pink necks” until today. “What happened today?”, you say? I’m glad you asked. We bought out another yard sale. Now it looks like a bunch of rednecks live around here.

We just couldn’t help it! These nice people were throwing stuff at us and we didn’t dare duck! I noted that we would probably only have to sell four things in the haul to easily return our investment. That leaves a trailer load and most of the van load of stuff that will fetch a tidy profit.

Anyway, even after we close down, people will still be stopping by for days and buying things! These are the folks who hadn’t heard about it, didn’t have time to come, or are passing through. We….ahem….clean up!

So, we’ll be hustling to get things tidied up for the trip but also because we need to fetch cousin, Monty Mitchell, from Eureka, CA. He’s moving back to Porterville to be closer to a larger family contingency (shiny new and late model grandkids will do that to you, eh). The round trip from here to Eureka and back, by the way, is the same distance as driving to Portland and most of the way to Eugene, OR. That means that, in addition to being a place stuffed full of fruits, nuts, flakes, and other loony tune characters (especially the one’s running it), California is a rather big state. For the inquiring mind, it’s 770 miles from boot sole to bandana. That’s just short of the distance from New York City to Charleston, SC.

Within a couple of weeks of that “driving practice” event, we’ll need to head to Longview, Washington to be there for Roxanne’s memorial service. While up there, of course, we’ll see the rest of the kids and grandkids in Marysville and Mount Vernon. And, wait folks; there’s more!  If the Gypsies don’t catch up to us, we’ll strike out from Washington and wend our way to Texas.

 I just love to wend, don’t you? In fact, I think I’ll just write a song and call it “Wend Across Texas”. I can hear it now, “Wend across Texas with you in my arms. Wend across Texas with you”. Now, I’m no Ernest Tubb, but that has a nice ring to it, don’tcha think?

Due to time restraints, we may not be able to make it to see the folks in Kansas, Illinois, and Oklahoma but we’ll see. I will lament that to no end but I’m just not sure we can over come the calendar (does this mean that we're....un-wending....them?). For that matter, we may not be able to even see everyone in Texas that we mean to see. In any case, I shouldn’t wonder that my cheeks are starting to quiver in dread. That there is going to be a long trip, pilgrims.

Speaking of the drought (which I wasn’t exactly doing), things are now dryer here at the Rancho than a pet peacock buried with Ramses II. We’ve managed to dodge most of the bullet but we still got “winged”, though. Our front lawn looks like we stuck it in a Breville Toaster Oven on “broil” and then forgot about for a few days.

There is just enough trickle coming from our irrigation source to keep most of our plants from becoming weeds but not enough to green things up. I just purchased a ball check valve so I can charge the irrigation line with well water and avoid the siphon effect. I don’t mind mixing river water with well water if I have too. The river water would pass through three course filters and a full-residential charcoal filter before wetting our lips. So, there’s not much of a chance of getting a crawdad stuck in our teeth.

 I need to get a man right on that because my orange trees are starting to stress and they loose a lot of sleep when they’re upset at me. They’re not much fun to be around when they’re like that.

The grape vines seem to abide with the trickle of water they get. They still refuse to grow but ever so little but at least they don’t just pull a bullfrog on me and…..drum roll please….croak. I guess we don’t need no stinking grass because there just isn’t any. Dead grass doesn’t get to vote so things will be OK for awhile, I suppose.

We just did something at the ranch that I could have sweared (similar to sworn but with emphasis) we would never have done. We are starting to convert to …..plug your ears; the gasp is deafening….LED lighting! I truly thought that Connie would convert to Islam before that would happen. I don’t mean to be an old Luddite; I really really don’t. However, I do hate change. There’s simply no need for nasty unscrupulous modifiers to “fix” things that aren’t broken simply for the sake of change. I'm perfectly happy with my Tinker Toys, Erector Sets, and smoke signals and drums so they can leave me alone. 

There must be at least 50 (cartons of four) of incandescent bulbs growing hair out in the barn. Most likely, they will be used as some kind of historical display in a museum somewhere. It will, no doubt, be a diorama about old fuddy duddies like me who wasted energy by warming up their room with watt-gobbling devices that heated their room in the summer time while they were wiring tin cans together for their intercom system.

But, as Dillon said, “The Times, They Are A’changin’” and Ol’ Ran is changing too (albeit, slower than the metabolism of a sarlaac in the Great Pit of Carkoon on the planet Tatooine). When our electrician installed a big LED over the Baptistry at church, I was so impressed that I was almost stunned! It wasn’t the goofy and ghostly bluish light that I thought it would be! I hate that! Instead, it was the nice bright and warm glow that is easily confused with an incandescent bulb! I went straightaway to Lowe’s and bought four nice LED lights for my office! Now, I’m saving money and not heating my office!! Ain’t I a….bright boy?

The heat's on so stay tuned for the (insert adjective) adventures of Rusto Ran and his side-cook,  Ol’ Cinders Minnick. Things could get….interesting.