Rancho Seco Seco Seco

 

I'm thinking about making this little guy the Rancho Relaxo mascot. Any ideas what we should name him? 

Here's "Hondo", the beloved ranch workhorse ATV. It was recently worked on and actually runs as good as new! It has a small trailer hooked to it. It came in handy the other day when a ton of tree trimmings had to be hauled to the wood pile in the back 40. That's Ruby Dooby (nee Speck) pecking away in the background. 

This is one of our "severe clear" days here at the rancho. On days like this, you can see for miles and miles and miles. In the aviation circles, it's called "CAVU" (ceiling and visibility unlimited). 

 Here's our new juvenile Americana rooster. A local lady bought some "straight run" chicks and didn't need the males. He's learning to crow but needs to practice a bit more until he dials it in. This little guy was free. Free is our friend! The other bird is Feral Fawcett.

Miss Abbie, the princess pooch, ran out of coons, wabbits, and ground squirrels so is sharpening her skills on a gopher. Abbie -1; Gopher - 0.

Some of y'all may remember the old TB hospital in Springville. I became the "Sequoia Dawn" low-cost housing facility. Apparently, it has changed hands because they are giving the place a complete overhaul. Even the ugly landscaping has been removed. The paint scheme (not seen in this shot) is quite modern and looks great! Whoever it is that is doing it is serious about the matter.

We love our big fruitless mulberry trees out front. The provide a huge amount of shade which helps to ameliorate the searing summer sun's attempt to fry the occupants of Rancho Relaxo. On some evenings, if there is a nice breeze, Connie the Canner and the Ol' Rancher can sit on the porch swing and listen to the wind chimes. Otherwise, we can only hear the traffic noise on CA-190. 

This is "Zorba's" burger place in Oildale. It has been a favorite of many folks (including Rancho Ran and Connie the Canner) for many years. I was introduced to it in the late '90's by Don and Shirley Gerber who are the head of the "Cedar Grove Bluegrass Band". We would stop in here as often as we could. Recently, we went to the Bakersfield's "Meadows Field" airport to pick up a friend. Naturally, we stopped here first to get their burger combo meal for lunch. It's still the great place it has always been. In fact, it edges out the competition for the "Number One Burger" spot on my list. I couldn't help but text this picture to Don and Shirley. It was a "blast from the past" for them! They live in Apple Valley now or I would have hauled a bag of these big babies over to them.   

Our 15 vines are prospering. It should be a good crop this year.

I couldn't help but include this item. It's a new-in-the-box Linksys router. It retails for about 29.95. I got it for ONE DOLLAR at a yards sale. Not sure what the deal was but I didn't need to know. Reckon they just wanted it gone. I was obliged to help them with their pressing issue. 

Well, I just had to brag on my dog again. Notice that this fine specimen of a guard dog appears to be sound asleep on the job. However, she has perfected a new strategy that leaves the enemy totally confused and off guard. She is pretending to be asleep while focusing intently on every single little sound and movement within at least a hundred yards! Amazing! She doesn't move an inch but stays stoically still without even flinching! Even as I took this picture, she totally ignored me as though I wasn't there and faithfully continued with her duty to guard our ranch with all alacrity. She did this even after an entire night of barking and scaring off spirits, spookss, hares, haints, goons, and gouls. Good girl, Abbie!!

Well, it’s June already! Half the year has slid by and it only took a few months to do it! Doesn’t that just make you want to hock your hammock? I'm not sure that NASA's hypersonic research aircraft are traveling as fast as our calendar is! OK..OK...I'll put a sock in it. 

It could be a long day. I ran out of “Veeta-Vita-Vegemin”.

Rancho Happenings: It’s time for a report on our estival happenings. As usual, lots of things have been happening around here. But, on the whole, it has been a good month (proving that even crazy months can be good months). We’re settling in for the duration, as it were. The government has promised us poverty, sickness, and lack but we’re not paying any attention to them. We’re still prospering and in health despite their evil machinations.

One thing (of no good report) is that it’s dry around here. We’re under siege by California’s worst drought in 1,200 years. This is also to say that we’re already in the 6^th year of a drought when we found this “interesting” bit of information was tacked on to the weather report.

 It’s bad enough to live in a “California Gold” environment where everything is dry and brown. It’s another thing to be dry and no longer have a snow pack or full lakes to rely on for irrigation. That also means that the local Tule River is, once again, at “zero flow”. It’s going to turn from brown to toasted soon (envision a piece of Wonder Bread that’s been left in the toaster until you see smoke). This won’t be good.

The “Pleasant Valley Canal Company” (from whom we buy water for our trees, grass, and garden...what's left of it, anyway) has gave us warning that they may need to ration and even stop our water usage. Oh, swell. I noticed right away that nothing was said about proportionately rationing or stopping our tri-monthly payment. We still have well water but you can imagine the electric bill after using SCE’s precious electricity to pump water to a dry and thirsty land. A daunting thought, to be sure. 

We’ve already lost some of our orange trees and others are extremely stressed. The pomegranate trees refuse to die so that helps. Two new lemon trees will need to be baby sat until they get their deep roots or we will lose them. The Nectarine tree almost committed hara-kiri when its main large branch broke under the weight of a huge batch of ripe fruit. It’s now half the size but it did survive. The plumb trees are doing fairly well but one of them has had a grand mal seizure and almost stopped producing.

That’s a mystery that has yet to be solved given that it was the most productive tree that we have. It was faithfully producing an abundance of fruit until now. It had sufficient water but it may have something to do with the nasty bug infection a couple of years ago. The bugs took quite a toll on all of our trees. We’ll see.

No Va: The vacation trip ain't happening. We had to cancel the trip back east. The timing was off and we were up against a hard clock. There was no way we could fit our schedule in to make things work. It's a bit of a disappointment because we won't get to see the families back east for a while yet. 

Then good news is that the Minnicks are coming from Abilene to show off the new bride! Yep! Jeff and Sandra are coming with Randall and new bride, Hannah, to see the kith and kin here in California! They'll be here at the house for a couple of nights. That will be time enough to visit and get acquainted with our new family member. 

Grand Reunion: Part of the trip was to pick up friend and brother, Gene Sales, from Vienna, IL. Since we simply couldn't be there, we made sure that he caught a flight from St. Louis to Bakersfield. We picked him up at the airport at about 9:50PM on Friday the 10th and headed home.

What a grand time we had! We're still rejoicing in having our brother back home. He'll be here at the rancho for a while until he can get re-established in this area. We'll be talking about old times for days and days!! 

The trip to Bakersfield also allowed us to knock over "Zorbs's" which is one of our favorite burger places. We almost always get the Burger Combo ( I sometimes get the hot pastrami sandwich). We love this place! 

Hold the Hoe: No garden this year. The garden soil is tainted with fungus so the Ol’ Rancher (on his next day off) will tear down the four garden boxes and new ones will be built and filled with fresh clean soil. The old dirt will be dragged around the front and back yards. 

This should be an easy chore because “Ranch Rino”, the Ford 8N tractor, will be ready and willing to help. It's down for a short time while it is having a new head gasket put on it. As soon as it's fixed, it'll be back to doing some of the heavy lifting around here. A good friend and neighbor recently tuned this handy gadget up so it’ll be as good as new once he gets the head gasket glued on. 

We’ll use the drag scraper to haul the garden dirt around the house and fill in the gopher holes and such. The holes are actually dangerous because you can step in them and twist and/or break an ankle. We here at the ranch are keen on avoiding such injuries. Old people are like that, don'tcha know. 

Hondo, the ATV: The same good friend and neighbor overhauled our badly-needed ATV. He replaced the carburetor, changed the oil, and tuned it up. It’s a “one kick, one start” tractor now! It needed a new battery so starting is now “kick-less”. It was immediately put to work hauling limbs that had been whacked of the mulberry trees in front and back.

Merrily we mow along: After a new battery and new starter, the rancho riding mower, "Cabrito", is running nominally. But, it still has an issue with the power-take-off-clutch which, after being used for a while, will not re-engage if shut off. It’s still usable enough to get the job done. In a worse-case scenario, I just leave it alone for an hour until it cools down then start it back up again.

Chickening Report: we still have two layers but we have a new rooster added to the flock. We checked with “Next Door” (which is a "stay in touch" website that lets you keep up with the neighborhood) and some of the locals had an Americana rooster that needed a new home. The great news was that he was a juvenile with lots of life left in him. And, he was free!  Free is our friend!!

We hung a new moniker on him and are calling him, “RooToo”. He’s named after, “Roo”, the previous Rhode Island Red rooster who became lunch for a really sweet, high-spirited, sled dog that loves chicken dinners. *SIGH*. Anyway, we hope to find a new home for the sled dog so that we can keep our chickens. We’d keep her if she laid eggs.

RooToo and Feral Fawcett are now safe in the coop but we still need to capture Ruby Dooby. She’s granting us an egg every couple of days but we can’t seem to catch her in the act. So, she’s still alive and free ranging about (in a very hostile environment).

Go Go Gopher: The gopher’s gotta go! “The gopher’s gotta go!  Hi, ho, the marry oh! The gopher’s gotta go!” -

The other day (when lots of things happen around here) a large fresh mound of dirt was piled upon my pathway as I headed to the mailbox. This was the same dirt that, the day prior, had been washed back down the hole of a quite proud California Pocket Gopher (no doubt named largely after their being small enough to fit in your trouser pocket while still being able to excavate a huge mountain of dirt).

This critter had devastated our front yard and turned it into a large display for his dirt mounds (it was almost like he was advertising dirt mounds for sale). So, I really wanted to rain down thousands of pounds worth of hate and destruction on him by borrowing a couple of 1,000 pound iron bombs from the USAF. That would have been worth at least a big triumphant grin. But, a few seconds later, I was struck by the reality that I would have had to rebuild the entire front yard because of my excavation extravaganza. So, it was “Plan B” for me.

The new plan started with returning the dirt mound to its original location beneath the grass. I grabbed the hose and started began slipstreaming hands full of dirt into the stream of water that was being swallowed by the deep hole. It was working well and lots of dirt was being returned home.

Imagine my surprise when a small, nearly-drowned, worthless, angry, squinting, sent-by-Satan, Pocket Gopher squirmed to the surface in search of air! It was time for the black and white “big gun”; “Abbie! Git’em!”.

Abbie, the fearless we-wonder-what-she’s-doing dog, sprang into action and quickly dispatched the brown bane. Our little huntin’ dawg was quite proud of her prowess. She kept her trophy from being molested by anyone until she had tired of carrying it around and showing it off. 

Well....there you have it: another short episode of the long happenings at Rancho Relaxo: home of Rancho Ran, the world's least-most authority: home of the Yo-You  twins and home of a retarded duck: home of Connie the Canner, the world's greatest side-kook and CEE (Chief of Everything Else): where the air smells and where alliteration reigns supreme: where being modern is optional: where the eggs are always mostly fresh: where things can get...interesting: where it's all news to me and where...we just never know.

RANCHO SPRINGY DINGY

 

Here's one of our harbingers of spring. This little female bird has camped out in our front yard and has been digging out Connie's planter boxes on the front porch. She's not a happy camper and has put netting over them to keep this noisy and obnoxious intruder out of them. It's a "Stellar Jay" and not one that I know likes them. 

Click on the pictures to enlarge them.

Here's more evidence of spring. Car shows/events are showing up all over the place. This line of cars greeted us when we were in Springville the other day. Model "A" and Model "T's" were lined up clear through town and others were still showing up. It was a rather big event so it must have been one of the collector's associations or such. 

Here's something that you don't see every day. It's a large can of "Cain's" coffee. This has been one of my favorite coffees since 1981. I drank it while in Tulsa, OK and then picked up a couple of cans when on vacation. The problem is that you can't get it any longer. It's only available at a few restaurants in Oklahoma and it's no longer in stores. I hate to crack it open but, if I don't, it'll get stale and undrinkable. Such is life. 

There are about 40 pods of "Peet's" and "Starbucks" coffee here ("Starbucks" owns "Peets"). The entire bunch of pods cost us 25 cents at the new "Falling Prices" store in Porterville. This is the small overflow box. The larger box has hundreds of these pods in it and cost less than 10 dollars. 

To the right is the newly poured cement base for the antenna tower for my ham radio station. It's planted at the back of the barn (north side). The station has been a work in creeping progress for a number of years. I'll park an 11 element 2M VHF beam on top and will also string a 300' wire inverted "V" antenna from the top. The long wire will allow for operation all the way down to the 160 meter band in addition to the others. The tower is to the right and will need to be erected when the base cures for a few weeks. 

I don't recall where or when I got this big beautiful Logitech MX5000 keyboard. But, when I wore out the previous keyboard, I found this one lurking in the barn. I looked it up online and the mouse and keyboard retail for 150 clams. I vaguely recall paying 5 bucks for it at a yard sale. 

Well! Shut the front door!! It’s May! We’re a third of the way through the year! Doesn’t that just make you want to hock your outhouse? Anyway, neighbors, it’s time to share the vernal adventures at Rancho Relaxo. I should have listened to J. R. Ewing.

Fun Fact: “Vernal" is from the Latin vernalis which means “of spring” . You can also use “primavera” which means “first spring.”

Stepping on up: We live in a two story home and my office/shop is on the upper floor. That may seem like a negative but it’s really plus. For instance, for 15 years I’ve had to walk, slog, jog, and sprint up these 15 steps. That means a lot of muscular and cardio activity has been executed. This is one of the reasons that explain why I was able to ace the “stress test” when I had a heart attack in ’14. In fact, the best that I can tell, I’m one of only a few folks that have gone the full (grueling) 9 minute treadmill test without breaking the 150 heartbeats per minute limit (I’ve not heard of another).

That’s also why my cardiologist was wowed when he saw my chart. He stated that, had he not seen all of my medical records, he would never have guessed that I had even had an attack! I was pleased with that report because my FAA flight medical was reinstated within three of weeks of getting his “all clear” (the previous FAA communication took three months).

Guess what? Here at Rancho Relaxo we’ve found that these stairs are even more utile than you may suspect. You see, Connie the Canner also uses the stairs. “So what?”, one may say. Well, let me tell you, cousin.  She’s about 5’ 6” which is a bit below my 6’2” highness. “So what?”, one may query again. It’s like this; on some odd occasions, she’s coming down the stairs and we meet at the bottom. Can you imagine the compensation a 7” rise stairs makes when two humans meet and they are now nose-to-nose? Yep. It’s “Rancho smootcho time” for the old folks! In fact, we have an official name for Connie the Canner at times like these; she’s my….step-wife. Works for us.

Them’s the Brakes or How trashy can you be?: This is springtime so we’re in high gear and are speeding along as much as our bodies, minds and the ever-present “farm issues” will allow.

During one of our frequent trips to town, we had gotten about 5 miles from home when we tried to pull out of the way of the cars behind us (bless our considerate hearts). That was interesting because the brake pedal went to the floor! We were at a fairly level place on the highway which was highly improbable. We were on Highway 190 which has very few level places seeing that that it traverses the foothills and the mountains. This is also to say that the hand brake wasn’t required. Thankfully, we were able to safely limp back (rather slowly, I should say).Once home, we called “AAA” for a tow to a shop in Hooterville.

As a side note, you can bet we were mighty thankful for having the “Premium” subscription because it has unlimited towing. Anyway, we had the Coop DeVille hauled to “Big Brands” tires.

We found out later that the left front brake line separated! So, this was a shock as well as a mystery.

The repair took a few days because they had to get the brake line out of Bakersfield (or, “Buckersfield”, if you are so inclined). We picked up the car in a week and were quite happy to be back in business.

Ah, but this is Rancho Relaxo and you just know that things can get interesting around here.

For instance, two days after getting the van back home, it was time to make a “dump run” because our trash bins were full. Wooly Pulley was hooked up and we started out of the driveway. However, we only got to the main highway when the brake pedal went to the floor again! I backed up and unhooked and blocked the trailer and called “AAA” again for a tow to the same shop in Hooterville. Scratch one dump run!

It took more than a week to get the van back because they had to order another brake line from out of the area. The end of the matter is that the repaired the issue and we got our wheels back. 

During the wait time, our trash remained in the trailer for another week until a friend hauled it off. Without those 10 large barrels, trash started backing up pretty quickly. Swell. The little Camry, Toyo, doesn’t have a hitch (yet) so we needed to wait almost a week to resolve that trash problem.

What wasn’t a mystery was what would have happened had we been further down the road and had to brake but found ourselves freewheeling with a trailer trying to catch up to us. I don’t like to imagine such things but I’m quite sure that the result would have amused the bored masses. That was plumb crazy! The car had just been repaired!

This hilarious episode set our back our plans to haul stuff to and from the hangar, too. We needed to get stuff staged for the big yard sale in May on the 13th-14th. Some of these goods need to get down the road because we’re backed up to the gunnels with unused “stuff” that’s been around far too long.

Tractors, maintenance, and more: To make matters even more interesting, the lawn tractor has had issues. It lost air in one of the tires so I used “Fix-a-Flat” on it. So far, it still has a slow leak but I have an air compressor and a portable air tank.

It also has a weird habit of losing the power-take-off clutch when it warms up. As long as the PTO clutch is engaged, the mower runs fine. However, if you disengage it, it won’t re-engage until the motor mower cools down. That takes a while so you just go do something else until you can use it again. That’s rather inconvenient.

The grass in the front yard had grown to jungle proportions but was finally whacked when I got the tractor going (thankfully, no lions were found linger about). Its battery and starter was recently replaced so this season’s work should get done (if the lazy tractor driver can get to it, that is).

The Honda “FourTrax” ATV (which hauls dirt and other things all over the ranch) also had problems. Those issues had to be dealt with so I can get into “spring mode” and get some work done. It needed the carburetor replaced, the oil changed, and a tune up. It then openly declared that its battery was dead. Swell. So, now it has a new battery and all should be well. She starts immediately when the “Go” button is pushed or when you kick start it. Amazingly, it’s hard to tell the motor isn’t new. It doesn’t even smoke! I can deal with that. 

The other tractor, the 1951-52 Ford 8N, has a blown head gasket and is undergoing repairs as we speak. That isn’t a biggy but the drag scraper does come in handy from time to time.

Re-tired Camry: The Camry recently had tire issues, too. Seems we didn’t drive it enough and the tires got weather worn and fell apart. We had two flats within a couple of days of each other. We didn’t need any more tire grief so it’s now sporting a new set of 190/60R 14 “Kelly Springfield” shoes.

The little car is 24 years old yet only has a bit over 200k miles on it. It’s a mechanically sound as any car with half the mileage. We do keep our cars in tip top shape because we greatly depend on them.

More motor maintenance: Spring prep will include the Schwinn “Meridian” motorized trike. It was running well prior to the start of winter but I forgot to suck the gas out. So, there may be an issue with getting it started at first. The carb just needs blown out (as does the 3.5KW portable generator we keep at the ready: and the “Troy Bilt” 5hp pressure washer). The little 1.5 hp Honda has been trouble-free and holding up well so far (given that it probably has less than 7 miles on it). It shouldn’t take much to get back in service.

It’s a sweet ride that we call the “Ranch Rocket”. This is in spite of the fact that we are spared anything close to face-ripping speeds. If I recall correctly, the top speed on this little hauler is 22 mph. That should be quite sufficient a speed with which to carry our milk (and my larger pink fundament) to and from the grocery store 3.5 miles away.  It’s quite the “ute” since it has a basket on the back and one on the handle bars. Handy gadgets, I’d say.

The problem is that it is geared so high that it can’t negotiate the steep entrance from Highway 190 to the “Eagle Feather Trading Post” (2.6 miles from here). So, the rider (that would be the Ol’ Rancher) has to push the thing up the hill (the gearing is too high for it to be peddled upslope by a human). We’ll see. Perhaps someone will help me mount a wench on the front (preferably a light-weight one with brown hair).

I still need to build Connie’s Meridian trike. It’s been patiently waiting for quite a while. Just can’t seem to get to it.

 Wired-Not wired or The Unexpected Magic Show: Missy, the well-fed-but-bored pooch, just ate my wiring harness on the trailer for grins. At first, I thought she ate the whole thing but I found it a few days later. Perhaps she hid it so that she could retrieve it, play with it, and then show me what a great job she had done of it. It was fixed by replacing it with a new harness and connector (10 clams added to the list of “unanticipated expenses to date”).

Three days later, when the van was back in the shop, a friend offered to tow the trailer to the dump. Except that, the new wiring harness and connecter were…gone (swell x a whole bunch)! Since the trailer had been parked in front instead of in the back (where Missy could have such great fun with it), we really have a mystery on our hands. The thing simply disappeared. We’re still looking!

Well….that ended up necessitating a complete rebuilding of the wiring of the entire trailer. That took more time out of the Rancho schedule. Swell. Thankfully, my friend (quite professionally) glued it back together. Friends are our friends.

Bye, bye, Birdie: We lost our Barred Rock the other day (when lots of things happen around here). She developed some sort of tumor on her bottom but we didn’t know anything about it until the day prior to her demise. She just suddenly became lethargic and plopped down in the grass. I examined her and noticed that the tumor was far advanced and that some of her skin was already necrotic. I ruled out an “egg bound” issue.

We still have Rooby Doobie (nee “Speck”) and Feral Fawcett, though. Rooby is faithfully laying about an egg-and-a-half in a day-and-a-half. Miss Fawcett has gotten broody and is under one of our many tarps keeping unfertilized eggs warm (remembering that Missy ended Roo’s career as the head DNA propagator). I really love that little feathery bird because she's so tame. It's just that she's not that bright. The tarps will soon need to be cleared so she’ll likely be discovered and her broodiness will be discouraged.

Chicken Tenders: We already have plans to repopulate the ranch with more birds even if we have to start with chicks. Not a pleasant thought but “You gotta do whatcha gotta do”, eh? Eggs are our friends and we are in need of as many friends as we can get. The Ol’ Rancher and his side kook, Connie the Canner may soon be tending an entirely new flock of birds. Don’t touch that dial; we’ll have updates.

“Falling Prices” and Dropping Jaws: We were recently introduced to a new store in town. It’s been awhile since I gave two rips and a single ding-a-dang about such things. But, it looks like some folks think Porterville is large enough to actually start a business in (though I can’t imagine who). I suppose that 67,000 or so people would have a few bucks between them to keep at least one store afloat for a while.

The business is, “Falling Prices”. It may just as well be, “Falling in love with prices” because that’s exactly what the Ol’ Rancher and Connie the Canner have done. Low prices attract old yard sale’ers like us like “The Beatles” attracted screams. After all, we’re the ones who squeeze a nickel until the Indian rides the buffalo.

When you get inside, you see about 15 or so 6 foot square boxes elevated about 3’ off the floor. Contained in each box is a plethora of mixed items including cell phone protectors, wireless mice, toys, tools, hard backed books, and even expensive coffees. It’s wild!

Image what it does to your lil’ ol’ heart to purchase a 14.00 bag of Pete’s Coffee for…hold on to your old gray bonnet...one dollar! ONE BUCK! How about getting three wireless mice for five dollars and three 15.00 HDMI cables for 75 cents! It was a true jackpot! We likely won’t need coffee around here for a year or more (noting that most of the coffee was in sealed pods and metalized bags so that they stay fresher longer). All this brown treasure is sure to put some miles on our new “KitchenAid Pro Line” burr coffee grinder.

Connie the Canner got hundreds of canning jar lids for less than three bucks!  She almost did an Irish jig in the middle of the store (and doesn’t even know how to dance!)! She was in giggle mode when buying expensive vitamins and food supplements for a buck-a-throw! Zowie!

So, it’s no wonder we are so taken with this new store. It even cured us of dumpster diving!

Pardon my Garden: Last year’s garden was a bust. It was the first year that we’ve not had an abundant harvest. In fact, the ‘harvest” was so scarce that Connie the Canner could only can a few quarts of green beans and nothing else. That was pitiful because we planted an entire garden box of them. During an average harvest, she should have been able to can 30 quarts or more. This was despite the fact that the Ol’ Rancher toiled diligently for seven months. It was discovered (thanks to the Internet) that there was a fungus among us and it wrecked our soil.

The boxes are all in desperate need of repair so, instead of trying to rebuild and replant this year (which would keep us from the rest of the major work needed to be done around here), we’re going to forgo the matter for now. Unless the price of lumber requires us to hock the house, the idea is to just start all over with new boxes and fresh material/soil.

 Lowe’s has slotted concrete corner blocks that allow you to build the size of garden box you desire. Ours are 3’ high so that the old people can forgo any stoop labor. The remainder of the year will be dedicated to this major project. “Go, team!”.

Tripping or On the Road Again: Other than a too-quick trip to Boise to Seattle to home (when we picked up the new van), we haven’t been away from home for any reason in about five years. So, we’re going on a three week vacation. It’ll be great to see friends and family (our friends are pretty much our family, too). It’ll be even greater to just get out of Dodge.

The plan is to depart after church on Sunday, May 22 and return on the 13^th or 14^th of June. If things work as planned, Abilene, TX will be the first stop. Eldest son, Jeff and his family are there. We're up against a pretty hard clock so we'll see. 

We have a new granddaughter-in-law that we have yet to meet so that will be super! Her name is Hannah. She and grandson, Randall, were recently wed at a really cool place in Thurber, TX called the “Greystone Castle Sporting Club” (you should see the pictures!). Their fam will be headed to CA to see other fam right after we see them but they won’t be there when we return home. Bummer.

Next, will be just east of San Antonio in Kingsbury where Connie’s brother, Roger, and his lady, Charlotte, abide. Charlotte is also a pilot so she fits right in with the rest of us “wing nuts” (she’s a great cook, too!). Together, they run the “Old Kingsbury Aerodrome” in Kingsbury, TX. Their activities also include building and maintaining the “Pioneer Flight Museum” there.

Roger is a commercial pilot and world-class A&P mechanic. His works can be seen at the “Museum of Flight” in Seattle (a WW1 Nieuport 28) and at the Hong Kong airport (a 1910 Farman biplane replica). Check’em out at their website (https://pioneerflightmuseum.org) and on “YouTube”(https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=Old+kingsbury+aerodrome).

After Kingsbury, we’ll be on our way to Magnolia (about 200 miles and north of Houston) to see Connie’s elder daughter and her family. We have seven grandkiddies there who are now loving Texas. We haven’t seen them since they moved there three years ago from Harbor City/Torrance, CA.

Time permitting, we’ll get to see long-time friend and brother and sister, Red and Patty Polston in Tulsa. It’s been ten year or so since we’ve seen them. They are evangelists. I’ve had the privilege to minister in Idaho, California, and Canada with Red. Part of his ministry is the “5 West Outpost”, a Christian music ministry in Sand Springs.

Last but not least, we will be in Vienna, IL. That’s located where Missouri, Kentucky, and Illinois converge. I’ve been near there before but being in Kentucky will be a first for us. We’ll spend the night in Paducah which is only 30 miles south of Vienna. That leave only S.C., VA, and Georgia as the only southern states that I haven’t been to yet.                                                                                                                                                            

We’ll be having lunch in Sikeston, MO. The place is called “Lambert’s”. It the “home of the throwed rolls” (https://throwedrolls.com/our-menu/). There are three of them: Foley, AL, Osark, MO, and Sikeston, MO. I’ve been to all three of them but have only eaten at two of them.

If you ever have the chance, you need to stop in. You’ll  get a kick out of this place, I guarantee it! They have huge home-style meals and serve the side dishes from buckets. Then, a waiter/waitress will toss the bread rolls at you from as far away as they feel comfortable with, It’s a hoot! The chicken fried steak is huge. I’m a pro when it comes to chicken fried steak but I couldn’t eat the “Rooster size” meal. Next time, I’ll probably order the “Hen  size” instead (if I don’t get the fried catfish or hog jowl plate).

Well....there you have it: another short episode of the long happenings at Rancho Relaxo: home of Rancho Ran, the world's foremost authority (the previous one died): home of the Yo-Yo Twins, home of a retarded duck, home of Connie the Canner (world's greatest side-kook): where the air smells, where alliteration reigns supreme, where being modern is optional, where there are no slaves to fashion, where the eggs are always mostly fresh, where things can get...interesting, where it’s all news to me, and where...we just never know. 

RANCHO SPRINGO GREENO BLOOMO

 

It's a bit difficult to see, but the new cut for the spillway at "Success Lake" is at the right-center of the picture. The new road is at the middle of the cut. Click on the picture for an enlargement which may help somewhat. 

This is the marina and a good shot of our short-lived greenery. It only lasts for a few weeks then it's gonzo. We get "California Gold" in its place. 

"Lemon tree very pretty and the lemon flower is sweet. But the fruit of the poor lemon is impossible to eat". Y'know...I'm not sure that Trini Lopez has that right. Maybe he ran out of pure cane Cuban sugar or some such. Maybe he just put the lime in the coconut and drank it right down. Don't know. He's dead now so we can't ask him. 

Anyway, we like lemons here so this is a picture of one of the two new ones that we planted. 

We try to make sure that we have our staples on hand in case of hard times. That includes have a functioning staple gun around when we're in the mood to secure things. This is actually gun number two but, for 7 dollars (at a yard sale), it was just too good to pass up. It has no signs of usage and, when hooked up at home and tested, it worked great. Yes...I have plenty of staples, too. 

Well, it’s April. This year is already ripping by so fast that it almost makes me want to watch “Flash Gordon” reruns on “You Tube”. The speed at which the months are flying by is almost incomprehensible. It's only 264 days until Christmas. But, the show must go on. On the whole, I’d rather be crapping fishing.

They say that “April showers brings May flowers” but, for a while, we've only been getting what we call a “mad rain”. It’s really only enough rain to make you mad because it doesn’t even wash off the “Springville Insulation”. It just makes a mess of your car.

Finally, we did get a nice “soaker” rain but it was nothing like the “frog stranglers” in the Midwest. Our orange trees were mighty happy and the neighbors were dancin’ in the streets (at least, that’s what I heard). It did appear that they were so happy that they were making burnt offerings to the gods. It may have only been their BBQ’s going off in celebration at the same time. In any case, we all think that our weatherman is a few cousins short of a family reunion. 

Connie Canner Report: The rancho’s remarkable numero uno fantastico canner, cooker, cleaner, baker, sewer, and chicken grandma is doing well and back to canning everything that doesn’t leap out of the way. This is also to say that her wrist has healed up very well. There’s still a bit of limiting of the range of motion but she’s still improving on that, too.

I lost count of the number of jars she’s put up so far but it’s remarkable, to say the least. She even canned some walnuts, turkey meat (to make room in the freezer for other goods that can't be canned), different stews, flour (dry canning), and such. She’s amazing! 

She's also "Connie the Baker", too and can whip up some of the best cakes (e.g. carrot cake), zucchini bread, cookies, pies, fresh hot loaves of bread, and other goodies that you can imagine! She’s my sweet Hostess Cupcake (I think I’m probably her Hostess Ding Dong).

Busy Bees or Honey, I’m home: Professional beekeeper and dear brother, Dave Kruse, recently checked our two hives. He advised that we a lot of honey that needs to be harvested. It appears that we’ll have more than 40lbs of that liquid gold stuff! And, it’s “orange honey” which comes from our oranges as well as from the other groves around us. Orange honey is our friend!

But, honey harvesting entails a ton of work. We have the bee suits, smokers, centrifugal honey separator, strainers, and such but it is a lot of work. After harvesting, it has to be stored in glass jars. It takes time and a lot of effort but it’s worth it. Honey will store forever. 
We're in the the middle of a big bloom this spring so we'll soon see. 

Missy the Melting Dog: It looks like a sled dog can grow on someone. That someone would be me, of course. Even with her puppy-inspired behavior and frailties (like casually chewing my reading glasses to bits), it’s just not possible to not fall in love with this gorgeous and intelligent pooch.

She just needed to be loved and have someone pay at bit of attention to her. She was lonely and needed a playmate, too. So, between Abbie being the playmate and the ol’ dog lover being the attention giver, Missy is settling down and learning to fit in. She’s still a bit rough around the edges but, in time, she’ll be fine. At least she will sit when commanded and not bowl me over when I try to feed her. 

The other day (when lots of things happen around here), I was spending some time with her and letting her know that she’s part of the family. It was a beautiful cloudless spring day and the bright sun was providing a little extra warmth.

Missy was reveling in all of the attention and getting lots of lovin’ from her owner who was sitting on a five gallon love-dispenser bucket. This high-spirited lassie had calmed way down and was nestled between my legs while being showered with care. It was so intoxicating that she just melted and slid down into pile of fur on the ground. Her eyes were closed and it looked like she was overdosing on love. She was as gonzo as if she had just had a big hit of heroine. 

Walkin’ the Dog (Rufus Thomas - Walking The Dog - 1964) : A couple of days ago, it was time to take Missy for a walk around the rancho. She needs to be trained to be "leash broke" so that she doesn't haul the Ol' Rancher face down around the back forty (you can't imagine how strong this pup is!). And, she needs to be familiarized with the approximate parameters of the electric fence she'll soon be facing. 

So, her 15' (or so) link chain was loosed from the dog mansion and configured on my hand (so I could hang on) and wrist (in case my hand came off) to keep her from running off if she tried to bolt away. She loved it and wanted to continue the trip to nowhere in particular! 

I must say that I was a tad surprised that she caught on so quickly. It wasn't necessary to restrain her all of the time. She was allowed to snoop and sniff just about anywhere she pleased. Abbie accompanied us most of the way. We three enjoyed the walk. 

At the start of the walk, we moseyed past "Cabrito", the law tractor which was covered with a tarp. Of course, it needed to be investigated by Abbie the coon hunter and Missy, who's  bred for pulling sleds and not chasing game and critters. Nevertheless, it didn't take long for the lights to come on. Both doggies erupted in barking frenzy and began to circle the tractor. The game was definitely afoot. I was getting set for a grand show when both dogs circled to the front of the tractor. At that exact moment, a little cottontail wabbit exited the rear of the tarp and rapidly bounced his way to safety. 

All I could do was to try to speak in simple enough English for the dogs to look the other way and see their prey laughing at them as it wandered off. "Git'im! Git'im! There he goes! Git'im!" Abbie, the great black and white hunter, and Missy, the sled dog, refused to abandon the track their nose had encountered. To them, the wabbit was still under the tarp. *SIGH*. 

After a while, it became apparent that the game had been called off due to the opposing team having left the field. So, the tour around the place was resumed. 

The Bunny Hop or Wabbit Wabbit. Who's got the the Wabbit?: As we headed away from the tractor and up the driveway and toward the back end of the property, Abbie abandoned her escort responsibilities and bailed toward the neighbor's big back yard to the west of us. It wasn't long until I could see her bobbing up and down through the high grass at high speed chasing a....wabbit. Yep. It was the same cottontail that had escaped a few minutes earlier. They were quickly out of sight. So, after a good laugh, no thought was given to the matter because there a lot of places for a small rabbit to ditch a dog out there. Missy and the Mister ignored Abbie and walked for awhile longer then headed back to the doghouse. 

The next day, Abbie didn't bother with her breakfast. She just turned her nose up at it. She's a real "breakfast dog" so, when she didn't eat, I knew something was up. But, my little girl dog is so well fed that there was no reason to be concerned so that was that. She'd eat when she was hungry. 

About noon the next day, you can't imagine what showed up next to the patio gate; it was the carcass of a half-eaten rabbit. You can't say that I was surprised because Abbie is a huntin' dog, after all. It sho' nuff explained why she had skipped breakfast and dinner the day before. 

Chickening report: Well….the Ol’ Chicken Dude can’t seem to find the time to trap his dirty birdies and hide them in the coop for a couple of weeks. It’s not like it would take all that much time. It’s  only a matter of setting up a cardboard box, a 24” stick of some kind, and a 10’ length of string/twine and that’s about it. You just toss some chicken feed under the box and wait for the stupid chickens to get under the box: pull the string and the box drops down and you have a baffled bird in a box.

The idea is to retrain them to stay in the coop again. They got into the habit of avoiding the coop because of Missy being so into free chicken dinners. The plan is to have her muzzled and on the electric fence (basically a shock collar that limits her range). When she is trained to ignore the chickens like Abbie was, then all will be well at here at rancho pollo. Both dogs can wander about and the chickens can range in safety.

The good news is that our three layers are doing just that. As of late, they  found a great place to lay their delicious cackle berries. It's the smallish plastic wheelbarrow on our back porch. It's partly filled with flower pot excelsior because Connie the Planter was overhauling her flower boxes and planters and stored it there. The hens dig it. Even our new bird, Feral Fawcett, has joined the egg wagon. It keeps us from having an Easter egg hunt every few days, too. 

Speaking of eggs, we now have a few dozen eggs that were preserved through "water glassing". Using that method, eggs will keep up to a year or so. It's really simple and easy and not at all expensive. E-mail us if you would like to know more about it: ranchorelaxoeggs@gmail.com.

Tired!: We've been driving the Camry as of late for a couple of reasons. One is that it gets decent gas mileage (which is greatly needed now that gas prices are outrageous and getting higher yet). The other is that the Coop DeVille has the trailer hooked up to it so that we can haul trash to the dump and also so we can haul stuff to the hangar where we can sort and price it for the yard sale next month. 

The trusty little car has given us no issues in years so it was very interesting when we pulled into church last Sunday and the right front tire was flat. Thankfully, we had a spare. There was no hurry to get a replacement since the spare was in excellent condition. 

Ah, but this is Rancho Relaxo and you just never know what's going to happen, eh? A few days later, while in town, we pulled into the church to drop off some stuff. Lo and behold, another tire was flat! Come to find out, because we hadn't driven the Camry all that much, the tires were weather worn and were separating. 

Not wanting to experience a third flat, it was off to a local tire place where we had them mount a nice new set of 195x70Rx14 "Kelly Springfield" tires. All is smooth and well again. No more flats (and that's flat out good news)! 

It's about thyme: We love to have spares and backups around here. That includes spices. A quick check of our pantry would show that we could probably accommodate all but a 5-star restaurant. Heck; we even have enough chili powder and cumin to start our own Mexican restaurant. 

But, when Connie the Canner was trying to can some beef stew, we ran out of thyme! We then checked all of our spice supplies a couple of times and just couldn't find any! Trust us; that won't happen again! 

Getting to the hub of the matter: When, in the course of human events, you are bound to run across certain issues pertaining to your wheelbarrow; what are you to do? You fix the thing. So it was with our nice and necessary wheelbarrow when one of its tires decided to go flat. Well.....actually.....it had some help going flat. 

Last October, we tossed a couple of sacks of concrete into  "Clyde", the wheelbarrow (as in Clyde Barrow), in anticipation of resetting our steel wagon wheels on one side of our driveway. Some miscreant hooked a rope to them and dragged them down the street so it was incumbent upon us to solidly re-establish them. 

However, despite the fact that the wheelbarrow was covered with a tarp, it somehow got wet when it rained. The bloody thing was flooded. UGH. That meant that there were more than 120 pounds of solid concrete in it. That much concrete presented too much stress on one of the pneumatic tires so it went flat and destroyed the tube. Great. 

The tires were already about 8 years old so not much thought was given to the matter. In fact, it didn't matter so much that we are just now getting it fixed (I mean, just what are you going to do with a 120 pound solid chunk of concrete, anyway?). 

The next trip into town saw us bringing home a nice shiny new tire, tube, and wheel with which to remedy the tire tragedy and remove the eyesore.  But, this is Rancho Relaxo and you just know that things got....interesting.... rather quickly. 

After pulling the cotter pin, the old wheel was slipped off and the new one was popped on. Uh.....the axel was magically too short so the cotter pin couldn't be replaced. Great. The opposing wheel and axel was gently tapped so that they were snug against the cotter pin in hope that it would slide just enough to allow the other cotter pin to be inserted. Still "no go".

 So, after a bit of pondering and eyeballing the matter, the bearings on the wheel hub were (gently) knocked out (they're just "press fit"). After that, the hub was circumscribed at 5/16" and a hacksaw was employed. In a few minutes, the saw job was completed, the cut was de-burred, and the bearings were re-fit. The wheel was slipped on and the cotter pin was inserted without further ado.  It was exactly the right fit without any slack in the axel. 

Well....there you have it: another short episode of the long happenings at Rancho Relaxo: home of Rancho Ran, the world's foremost authority (the previous one died): home of the Yo-Yo Twins, home of a retarded duck, home of Connie the Canner (world's greatest side-kook): where the air smells, where alliteration reigns supreme, where being modern is optional, where there are no slaves to fashion, where the eggs are always mostly fresh, where things can get...interesting, where it’s all news to me, and where...you just never know.  

 

  

 

 

 

 

 

RANCHO MARZO VERDE

 

Here's some yellow roses for y'all. Why? Because we like you (for all you Mouseketeers out there)!

    (Click on the pics to enlarge them)

Remember from a few months ago the little tiny ball of fluff that flitted about the barnyard at barely sub-mach speeds? This is "Speck" who is now a full-fledged hen. She contributes to the daily supply of huevos around here. I've started calling her "Ruby Dooby" since she's a Rhode Island Red. 

This is a nice shot of Missy on her chain. There's enough room for her to be able to romp with Abby (and romp they do). If we keep her, I'll have to use a muzzle for the times that I take her off the chain and while using the shock collar to keep her near the house. If she gets the message that chickens are not to be used for dietary purposes, then we'll can take muzzle off. 

T

This shot is for all of you "ex-Ports" out there (ex-Porter-villains).  It's the “Sequoia Dawn” apartment complex in Springville. It’s getting a complete overhaul and makeover. They even took out all of the trees and shrubbery. That’s a real “Thank God!” deal since it truly was an eyesore from the git-go. More pics when they finish the job.

This is actually the truth. We're gong to be getting another dozen chicks or pullets. We prefer pullets but will have to pay a bit more for them. Raising chicks isn't quite the fun thing that some folks may think. The chore of rearing them isn't mitigated despite the fact that they are sooooo cute. (especially after you've done it a few times). 

Well….it’s March! Doesn’t that just make you want to go to a shad bake? Time is zipping by so quickly and so many crazy things are happening in the world that it’s almost like waking up in a different decade or on a different planet! OK….no more bellyaching. Let’s get to the blog. When do the Jedi get here?

Rancho Thought for the Day: Getting old means that, despite having many years of practice in dressing yourself, your wife may have to advise that your T-shirt will look better if the pocket is on the front (that and your neighbors will be unable to confirm their suspicions about you). Hint: never dress in the dark or away from a mirror (*SIGH*).

Rancho Musings: From time to time, the Ol’ Rancher dude finds himself mentally hearing the ancient sounds and smelling the ancient smells of decades past. And, there are lots of stimuli that conjure up those smells and sounds. 

For instance, a lot of guys love “guy things” like big noisy car engines, medium noisy car engines, small noisy engines, big and small noisy aircraft engines, noisy tractor engines, noisy gas engines, and noisy diesel engines. Some dig the smell of diesel smoke in the morning. In every case, that would be me.

Yep; the Ol’ Rancher’s lil’ ol’ heart still pumps red, white, and blue hydrocarbons. That roughly translates as the different colors of aviation fuel. Red colored av gas is 80/87 octane while blue av gas is  100/130. (though, today, it's the 100 octane Low Lead gas). And, for the record, purple av gas is 115/145 octane (which is fighter, bomber, and race plane territory). 

Fun fact: there also used to be “white gas” which was used in camping stoves and such. It was your basic simple gasoline which did not have all the climate compensating additives that comprise auto gas. Until the late ‘60’s, my folks had a small camp stove that used it. I doubt if it’s available to the public now. 

Here’s a list of the stuff that’s in our fuel:

Benzene; Toluene; Ethanol; Butylated hydroxytoluene/BHT (yes; It’s the same stuff that we use as a preservative in foods); 1,2-Dibromoethane (anti-knock compound that replaces tetraethyl lead); Isopropyl alcohol (yes; the same disinfectant you buy at Wal-Mart. It helps remove water from the gas); Nitromethane (yes; the same stuff the drag racers and R/C modelers use); Ferrocene (another anti-knock component); Di-isopropyl ether; Ethylenediamine (didn't I see that as an ingredient in shampoo?! Just kidding).

So, there really is red, white, and blue gas. If you’re ever on “Jeopardy”, this information will help you win a really nice prize.

Plus, to help your memory, there’s always the local car club where some guy has an old car that really floats your barge. You boys know this guy; he’s driving the slick old cruiser with big rumbling iron under its hood that makes your ticker flicker and which you wish you owned.

Anyway, while surfing the Net, a couple of gorgeous old cars smacked me in the face and it stirred up my rememberator (sic) which  kicked into high gear and called up days of old. It brought about great days of roasting rubber (a unique smell, to be sure) in my beautiful red 2 door ’67 Ford Fairlane GT sporting a four-speed shifter and beautiful white bucket seats. My mind had no trouble getting up to speed as I mentally recalled shifting from third to fourth gear at 105 mph; I could once again feel and hear that big 335 hp 390 CID engine sucking air through a carburetor that was squalling like a banshee. The speedo hit 130 mph and was still headed north when my foot lost its intrepidity and backed off the pedal. That was the first and last time that trick was pulled. The mental goose bumps were ironed flat by the reality that not everyone who takes such a risk makes it back home alive.

Some years later, while in the police and paramedical profession, I saw numerous young men who weren’t so lucky. It was heartbreaking.

Back to the present: that was way back when I had lots of get-up-and-go and enjoyed being adventurous and daring. But, now that I’m getting older, I have to eat a nice big lunch so I’ll have enough energy and daring to sneak up on a nap.

The FORD Ranch: Just about every day, there is something that needs to be fixed, replaced, or otherwise repaired around here. One day, it’s a hose (yesterday). On another day, it’s the lawn tractor. And, on the next day, it’s a  toilet (we have three of them), a leak, or a computer. It’s  non-stop fixing around here. Maybe I should just change the name of this place  to “FORD Ranch” (“Fix Or Repair Daily”, for the younger folks). 

And, I'm fixin' to clean up the back yard which looks like Patton's 3rd Armored Division camped out for a few months. The tarps and covers have about been worn and blown off and that'll have to be fixed. It'll have to be done prior the big yard sale in May. 

  “Oh, the pain!” (stolen from Dr. Smith on "Lost in Space") or “Pass me the Ibuprophen please”: Since it’s the beginning of March, the need to switch to “spring mode” was sure to pounce on us. It did. The “bloom” has started which means that certain chores can no longer be delayed (or ignored which is what El Flojo is inclined to do). The problem is that my “spring muscles” have yet to blossom so things got interesting.

The rancho riding mower, "Cabrito", was fueled and set loose on the jungle out front. After the yard looked somewhat normal, the weed-eater (aka Chewy) had to be taken for a stroll. I always look forward to that because I can't wait to see what new body part will be abused or injured from flying debris. The front part of the rancho is still a pretty big place so it took quite a while to whack the jungle into submission.

Then, the budding plum trees needed to be pruned or we'll be trying to pick prunes eight to ten feet in the sky. The good news is that the tools required to do the job right and not over tax the workforce are on hand. On tap are four different loppers that do a great job of pruning. The favored one with the longest handles was employed. That fun gig was good for about another hour of joy.

You can imagine what the Ol’ Rancher’s body was screaming at him after the last of the pruning was done! It was something along the lines of, “You keep whacking and I’m going to whack you, Pal! You’ve got 3 minutes to quit this rodeo and grab the Ibuprophen or else!”. There wasn’t a problem complying with the ultimatum (given that I’m not doing any of this for therapy). It’ll probably take some time to rebuild the relationship with my angry body parts. 

“Let there be…phone!” Or, “Don't call  me up!”: Back in the ‘50’s, most folks used the phone only when it was necessary and, even then, only if calls were within their budget. Long distance calls were rare for the common folks (you were billed by the minute). Lengthy calls (by and large) were for the wealthy.

They were a really nice tool to have around for times like when your bike had a flat. Ah, but not just any flat; how about a flat at the farthest place you’ve ever ridden it in your young life (that would be to Success Lake from A Street in Porterville) and needed a ride home?

I called but didn’t get help because my folks weren’t home. My great-grandmother then advised that I should “hoof it”. “Hoof it?!” Given the numerous miles involved, that thought wasn’t immediately logical to me. Later, it dawned on me that my great-grandmother was born when there weren’t any cars in the entire country and even bicycles were a rarity. You rode a horse or you “hoofed it”. Plus, she had probably worn out a hundred pairs of shoes by the time I took possession of my bike so it was quite logical to her to advise me to hit the bricks. 

OK; I was out of horses so “hoof it” I did.... all 6 miles back home.

The other day (when lots of things happen around here), AT&T decided to switch from their 3G service to the newer 4G provision. Our home phone and our backup flip phone no longer worked. Oh, swell. That’s not a game changer but it really is a proverbial pain in the glutes. We had to order a new flip phone (free, which is our dear friend) that was 4G compliant when we next went to Hooterville. But, this is  Rancho Relaxo where you just never know what’s going to happen.

Our “land line” is actually a 3G wireless phone. Pay attention because this is really screwy. AT&T sent us a new wireless radio/modem to replace the 3G rig that we had. In the real world, all you should have to do is take the bloody thing out of the box, plug it in, hook your phone to it, then activate it online. A piece of pie, eh? Ha!

After numerous times trying to activate the new box (Ol' Ran isn't exactly a novice at electronics and computers), AT&T tech support was called in to assist. Another slice of pie, eh? Ha! Ha! After 2.5 hours of dealing with clueless agents (it took more than one to not know what was happening), it was decided to send me another box because mine was defective. Great. I get to be without a phone for a few more days. Would you like to guess what happened next? Sure you would!

What happened was that the new box and sim chip didn’t work either. Swell + great = grrrrrrrrrr. It only took another 2.0 hours of dealing with two other clueless agents to find out that things were definitely inconclusive (do people major in "clueless"? There sure are a lot of them around). Add another "great" to the pile. So, they sent me yet another box and sim chip.

We’d been without a phone for close to two weeks when the newest new box showed up. The next step was to go online to activate the phone per the destructions. Once again, it was a “No go!”. Great. Just great. 

AT&T tech support was called yet again. This time, I was able to connect with someone who had a full complement of gray matter and a full understanding of the entire operation. In only a few more minutes, the phone was activated and sucked into the new 4G system. Great!

God only knows what will happen when the 5G service hits town. 

Breaking the tie that binds or Unchained Malady: I have to admit that, as partial as I am to Abbie, my princess pooch doggy dog, Missy, is the most amazing and intelligent dog I’ve ever encountered. She’s also as sweet as a bucket of bonbons which somewhat mitigates her being an obstreperous handful (which I guess comes with being a pup). Truly, though, my little sled dog had me at “woof!”

However (why is there always a “however”?), in addition to having an appetite for free chicken dinners, she is an amazing escape artist! After a number of inexplicable escapes from a cable and two ropes, she was finally placed on a “link chain” (something you would see holding up your porch swing and which has a 300+ pound pull limit). “No sweat. That should do the trick”, said I. Ah, but this is Rancho Relaxo and you just never know what’s going to happen next.

Let’s do a quick backstory: The other day (when lots of things happen around here), my neighbor (once again) texted me to advise that Missy had gotten off her new chain. What had happened was that she had slipped the new camo harness that I got for her. Thankfully, she didn’t run off into the vast unknown but stayed close.

After hooking her up again, it was quickly noticed that she had destroyed the nylon harness. That was a complete mystery because, although there were very minor signs of her having chewed on the harness (how she reached it is beyond me), the main connecting strap was (get this) broken (not chewed loose) from both ends. What?! Only a 500 pound gorilla that bench presses Honda Gold Wings for grins could pull that off! She has a heavy duty leather collar so the chain was hooked to that.

So, we have yet another mystery. If this continues, I’m leasing her to David Copperfield so she can teach him a few things. I could use a few extra bucks. Anyway, so far, so good.

Then, I happened to catch her performing yet another circus act. She derives great joy in removing her mats, blankets, and rugs from her dog house and then scattering them (or destroying them depending upon her mood) all over the place. 

Well, to keep them somewhat rounded up, they were tossed on top of the roof of the large pooch hooch. Despite the rooftop being about 5.5 feet high, Missy ever so nimbly made the smoothest and most effortless leap I've seen in awhile and snatched  one of the rugs off the top. A true Olympian, she is! For now, she sleeps on the floor boards of the doghouse. Abbie always slept on the blankets and rugs. "SIGH".

Well....there you have it: another short episode of the long happenings at Rancho Relaxo: home of Rancho Ran, the world's foremost authority (the previous one died): home of the Yo-Yo Twins, home of a retarded duck, home of Connie the Canner (world's greatest side-kook): where the air smells, where alliteration reigns supreme, where being modern is optional, where there are no slaves to fashion, where the eggs are always mostly fresh, where things can get...interesting, where it’s all news to me, and where...you just never know.