RANCHO SPIFFO

Well…it’s spring time here at the ranch and it’s time to get a bit of hustle and bustle happening. You know, on second thought, maybe we’ll just do a semi-hustle for now. Not a lot of pep in my step at the moment and my bustler may need a tune up and I don’t want to risk breaking anything. In any case, it's time for a "new and improved" Rancho Relaxo.

Part of the springtime improvement is a new pants size for Ol’ Ran. I can hardly believe it. I’m wearing a size 36 slack (well! That only took a decade and a half!). We’re going to be on the lookout for new duds since the old duds won’t fit the old dude.

There’s a lot to do, of course, and astonishing little time in which to get it all done. Not the least of chores is starting our garden for the year. We only have the four above ground boxes but we’re already thinking about hiring a crew of Mexicans to till and plant for us. That probably won’t happen for any number of reasons. But, the main reason is that we forgot to learn to speak Spanish fluently. How convenient.

Actually, we don’t do too awfully bad with español and are in no real danger of starving to death in a Mexican restaurant. Connie took 4 years of Spanish in school while I had to learn a bit of it here and there. All I had to do was….show up in California. It's amazing how much of a foreign language you can learn when it's forced upon you ....in your own country....and there are no choices or options....in a free country. Having worked in the ambulance business for a few years helps some too. Lots of sick Spics out there.

 Anyway….we have a bunch of seeds to choose from too. We made sure of that during the previous couple of years by stockpiling. You’d be surprised to know that seeds go on sale from time to time (like mid-winter) and you can even find a closeout occasionally. Guess you could call us a “seedy” bunch around here.

We have just about everything on hand that one could ask for. There’s corn, green beans, zucchini, yellow neck squash, peas, okra, tomatoes, and what all that I can’t recall. I need some taco seeds so I can get a large crop of tacos. That would surely cut down on my prep time for dinner. All I would need to do is open a can of frijole refritos (refried beans) and dig in.

We’re not entirely sure what crops we intend to coax from the ground this year. The previous season’s strawberries are prospering so we won’t have to replant those. Our Okra Winfrey (Boo! Hiss!) did fairly well but we really didn’t mind it as much as we should have and didn’t reap a lot of it. So, we may not go that direction this time though I truly love fried....in lard or bacon grease.....okra....often....served with ....fried.....potatoes....and cornbread...and beans and bacon/ham hocks. Did I mention that I may keep my size 38 slacks? 

Peas….ah…now those will be planted for sure. Connie digs peas so those are a definite item. I can almost see the flashing of her canning jars now. They’ll match her huge store of green beans from last year. Green beans just don’t get any better than hers!

The lady is a pro at it and you should see her do her stuff! She has a huge pressure cooker into which she can steam about 8 large quart jars at a time! I thought about using that big beaut to whomp up an army-mess-hall-sized batch of ham hocks and beans. But, all I got was the “evil eye”. I’m pretty good at interpreting “eyes” and knew right away that I had overestimated the matter. No go, bro.
 

The grounds need a “haircut” around here or we could lose respectability in the hood. After our brief fling with a few sprinkles of rain, some of the grass decided to grow meaning that the ranch is starting to look about as scraggy as Maggie the Wonder Dog. Our hired hand, Gary, will soon be called upon to tidy up the place with his expert weedeater skills and such. However, he can’t get here for….a week. Next thing you know we’ll be known as Rancho Shaggy-o. *SIGH*.

We did get the ranch van, Ol’ Hoopie, shined up a bit here lately. She had suffered a bit of humiliation a few months ago when she got clobbered by some flying junk. But, now she’s smiling like it’s Christmas. Jose’ and the vatos (danged if that doesn’t sound like a ‘60’s band from Tulare) down at the paint and body chop shop made her look really swell. That and a new set of Pirelli shoes and she’s good to go. The old girl lumbers on without complaint…still talking about the van.

 Shoot……Connie and I even gave her a bath and cleaned the inside too. That was long overdue. Every time she would ask me where something was in the car I’d tell her to look next to the elephant. She’d look me right straight in my pretty brown eyes and say, “Uh…there’s no elephant in here, hon”. I’d look at her askance like she was a tad goofy and say, “Of course there is! It’s right next to the dump truck!”.

 So, we had to finally clean out the elephants and dump trucks so we could maintain some sense of civility. “Green Acres is the place to be. Cluttered living is the life for me”…well….maybe that’s not the way the tune goes. It's been awhile, you know. Connie is slowly and patiently training her hubby towards "un-cluttery" ways but I keep telling her that it’s difficult to teach an old gorilla new tricks.

Wouldn’t you know that I’ve about reached the end of the tread wear on my haircut too. I get lots of mileage out of a good haircut so I’m not to the point to where Maggie and I are twins yet. But, with only a little inattention, that could happen. My bet is that my sweetie Pop Tart wife will just drive me to the shearer’s office soon and save me from being hauled off by the dog catcher. That’ll work since I’m not sure that I want to be shackled to an appellation like, “Pastor Scruffy” or “Brother Fuzzybum”.   

Connie is spiffing up the front porch now that the weather has calmed down a bit. The wind knocked over some of her potted plants (no…I didn’t say “pot plants”, silly) and broke them. She bought one really nice replacement the other day at the “Rescued Treasures” thrift store in Visalia for only a couple of bucks. Sweet.

She has a knack of making the place look super (in spite of my best efforts to make the place look like a sale barn). We are often complemented on our home and how cozy and countrified it is. It is indeed but only because of a lot of talent and hard work by one very special lady who lives here. She has a sharp eye too and can spot a home improvement item in a heartbeat! It is spotted in half the time when it’s on sale or is being sold by our old friend, Clarence Sales.

Another point of “spring improvement” is the replacement of our bees. I guess the rent was too high so they all up and left …..again. Actually, the ants got to them and they left. This is the second time that the ants have driven off a hive. They were fine a couple of weeks ago. But,  within that time the ants forced the bees to swarm. We’re taking measures to insure that it doesn’t happen again. Brother and beekeeper, Dave Kruze ("Uncle Buzz" to his friends and relatives, don'tcha know), is bringing us three more hives to help us maintain our honey supply. Honey is our friend. 

Though our previous flock of bees recently departed, they left their honey (how…sweet…of them, eh?) so Connie processed 34 cups of the abandoned honey. So, there will be no reason for things to go …sour …here for awhile.

That’s the updates from the ranch. Hang around and you too can be spiffy.

 

RANCHO FIXO

I think I have one of life’s mysteries figured out: man has created and engineered all kinds of wonderful gadgets and inventions for one main purpose: to provide jobs for many tradesmen when these fabulous marvels break.

Take for instance my perfectly functioning Dell XPS420 desktop computer that sports a dual-core processor and a terabyte of storage volume capability and 4GB of RAM. “Perfectly functioning”, that is, until it had the proverbial “flat tire” the other day. It presented its hatred for mankind when the motherboard “headed south”. It’s a super-nice machine so I may go ahead and fix the bloody thing. We’ll see but I really don’t have time to deal with it and my main Gateway ‘puter (no slouchy box that can hold its own) is still carrying the load so far anyway. 

Putting a backup computer back online just takes a lot of time….something that I can’t quite seem to find enough of….or energy (ditto). I reckon that it’s one of those “life in the big city” events that should be taken in stride. Maybe ….if….I moved further into the country and farther away from a city….uh…..naw.

Folks often complain to me in utter bewilderment that their computer was functioning great a little while ago but it is now a fully-functioning door stop. I just share with them about the “flat tire” example. Your tire, I explain, was nice and round a few seconds prior to going flat. It’s a real “Ah, hah!” moment and they understand that things that go tick and whir and that are made by man, will break at some point.

 
The silver lining in this cumulonimbus is that a friend of mine needed to part with a “super screamer” custom computer that he had built for himself. It’s not often that a box filled with moving and non-moving parts attracts my attention to whatever degree. I’m just interested in whatever “plow horse” that can get the job done for me.

 Ah…..but this isn’t just any parts box and it did garner my fancy. What can a computer dude’s heart do but go arrhythmic when he is told of a spec sheet that reads like some thing smuggled from the “Millennium Falcon”? We’re talking about some heap big medicine here: an over-clocked AMD Phantom 3.2 ghz Quad-core CPU with ….gulp….16 Giggles of RAM and that has Windows 8.1 stacked in it! Add 1.5 terabytes of hard drive space and a boat load of software (including a built-in remotely controlled TV board and software allowing you to watch any TV program ever produced!) and you have a real “romper stomper” about which you can brag to the other kids on the block! Not many can outrun that little red wagon, to be sure! The thing runs as smooth as buttermilk and does things almost before you can get the thought out of your brain cell.

The GIGABYTE GeForce GT 630 2GB 128-Bit DDR3 PCI Express 2.0 x16 HDCP Ready Video Card can handle anything you can throw at it. I’ll switch to the HDMI capability when I can. But, for now, I’m using a KVM switch to run two computers from one monitor and it’s strictly a VGA device. My nice 21” monitor can handle HDMI so I will find a way to kick things up a notch with an improved/updated KVM switch and/or a second monitor (fun stuff).

 I haven’t even gotten close to starting to customize the box yet (did I mention not having enough time?). I have enough software downloads to keep me busy for quite awhile so will need to find a slow spot in the work schedule (I’m sure that that will happen any day now) so I can load this baby up and “Randy-ize” it. Then I'll be all fixed up and ready to go.

 Minnick Computer Services is also now sporting two additional 3TB USB external drives. That brings the total (for backups, drivers et. al.) to a little more than 12TB of external storage. Keep in mind that there are no movies involved here. These are just storage volumes for applications, utilities, drivers (I have a passel of those), operating system ISO’s, backups, and the like. My internal storage on just my four desktop boxes is about 3TB (not including Connie’s big Dell E521 XP machine at 320GB or the laptops).

 I’m also now running seven operating systems (who woulda thunk?!). Including laptops, they are Win 98, Win ME, Win XP, Vista, Win 7, Win 8.1, and Ubuntu (Linux). I could run Windows 2000 Pro if I wanted to (and have thought about it since I trained on that particular OS) but it’s the progenitor to XP so it is basically XP without the frills. Both are based on the “NT” kernel.

 The XP and ME boxes are tied together with a KVM switch to a big Sony flat-screen and a booming set of speakers with a nice sub-woofer like my main station and Connie’s station (at my right hand….not so far to reach for a smootch, don’tcha know). That XP/ME set-up has a ton (not an exaggeration) of really nice music, video, and office software that includes the ADOBE CS6 PRO Suite, CakeWalk, Fruity Loops, and Band in the Box. I’ll be hooking up a lot more hardware to it including a audio mixer and USB microphone…..when I ….have time. *SIGH*.

 All of the stuff is networked wired and wireless using standard routers and hubs. It isn’t sophisticated but it works well for me.

 The van is next on the list to get fixed. This will be the repairs from Hurricane Fizzlebane that blasted through here last August. It will be nice to have my big Ford all nice and shiny again after being pummeled by the neighbor’s barn’s corrugated roofing material, trash from several neighbors’ property, and who knows what else.

The old hoopy is still running strong with 137K on her clock. She needed a new pair of shoes so we just bought her a set of P225 x 60R x 16 Pirelli’s.  Those babies are silky smooth and are “VR” rated. That’s good for 149 mph but, guess what? Ol’ Brother Ran is good for about 85 mph but only if he’s out in West Texas on I-10 or I-20. But, he isn’t... I repeat... isn’t going anywhere near that speed without being strapped to a set of wings.

I did take my ’67 Ford Fairlane GT four-speed with a 335 hp 390 CID engine to 130 early one morning in Jan on the “20 Bypass” on the south end of Rockford, IL in 1970. You can rest assured that that happened well before my brain cells awoke to sanity and while they were still soaked in youthful floods of testosterone. That’s nothing less than having Superman’s bravado stuffed in Superdork’s brain. I don’t recall ever driving too much over 105 mph but only a few times after that. That’s because I shifted from 3^rd to 4^th at 105 mph “when necessary” (I can still hear that big four-barrel carb sucking wind).

 

It’s springtime so the “Ranch Rino” is will need to have the exhaust manifold fixed. I don’t need it a lot but it is a handy gadget to have when you have a stuck vehicle needing a tow (don’t ask). A local friend is a mechanic and he’s back from AZ where he goes to avoid the winter here. He’s home early because…..we didn’t actually experience but a few days of winter. I actually had the A/C on today a couple of times to cool down the van after it was parked in the sun for awhile.

 

Also, “Tilly”, the Rancho Relaxo tined cultivator, will need some attention. It hasn’t been run in a couple of season so the spark plug will need to be pulled and such. I have some “hot shot” starting fluid that takes the pain out of starting motors so that should help (have I mentioned that I’m “convenience oriented”?).

 

Granddaughter, Liesl, 9 years, just spent the previous week with us. She’s a hoot from the git go. There is no end to her spunk and sass. Having been home-schooled, she’s quite the bright LED, too. There are no flies on her pies at all! We made sure to do our part to be scriptural in “making fat her bones”. She seemed to be quite amenable to the matter and turned away no good thing.

 

We know she’s normal because the kid loves hamburgers. When we took her back to her momma, we all gathered at the IN-N-OUT Burger joint at Tejon Ranch (on I-5 just across the street from the Petro Truck Stop about 35 miles south of Bakersfield before you start up the Grapevine).  The burger and fries didn’t have a chance. In fact, the world lost quite a large part of a steer that day when all seven of us descended upon the place with our fangs flashing.

 

It’s been awhile since my “spoil the grandkids” expertise has been hauled out of the cave but I found that, with enough prompting, it resurfaced fairly quickly. In no time at all, I was approaching professional levels of competence. Boy, did Liesl appreciate that!

 

She loves to ride horses so, thanks to dear friends and horse owners, Frank and Bonna Wittick, she was able to mount up and go. She and Connie also spent some time slaving away in the kitchen and in the “arts and crafts department” (that would be the dining room table) gussying up prizes and decorations for our church Valentine’s Day party.

 

Anyway….we fixed up the little lady and she had a great time at the ol’ Rancho.  And, we had a grand time practicing our grand-parenting.

 

That’s the news from Rancho Fixo for now. Hang around and grab a wrench; there’s a lot to be done.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

RANCHO AÑO NUEVO

Well, here we are kicking off a new year and looking forward to what 2014 has in store for us. I’m now officially another year older and, presumably, another year wiser. That should be interesting to watch.

 An old Chinese blessing says, “May you live in interesting times”. An old Chinese curse says, “May you live in interesting times”. That certainly applies to this day and time. I'm tempted to think that the year 2014 must be the Chinese “Year of the Snake” because there are so many of them trying to run (read, “trying to destroy”) our nation. Maybe the Chinese are on to something.

What is my “resolution” for the New Year, you ask? I’ve made a resolution to never make another New Year resolution. I think I can keep that one. The decision to just do what I’m supposed to do anyway seems to be working so far.

For instance, instead of declaring a diet, I just let my membership in the “Oreck Smorgasbord Strip Mining Club” lapse. Voila! The buffets are now safe from losing money and Ol’ Ran is dragging out his next smaller sized britches. I’m still wondering if Connie will complain about it this summer when I’m not protecting her from the scorching sun by blocking out half the sky when we walk together. Correspondingly, there will be less heat in the winter time too. Hmmmmmm. I suppose I can just buy her a new pair of long johns for Christmas.  

Our hired hand, Gary, spiffed up the place the other day. The ranch was starting to look rather mangy but no one can say that the Clampetts live here now.  No, sireeee. The burn pile needs to be addressed, though. It has been patiently awaiting the torch for about 3 years now. I think it’s relaxed its guard and I can sneak up on it and light it off in a few days and make quick work of its demise. That’ll make the “back 40” look much better not having that pile of tree trimmings, grass cuttings, and what all stacked up in a pile.

It may seem a bit amazing to some but…..we’re still waiting for winter to arrive. It has been wonderfully (though unseasonably) warm lately. When I went to turn off the heater prior to hitting the sack the other night, I discovered that the heater hadn’t even been on all day or any part of the night! It was midnight, for crying out loud, and the heater hadn’t been on at all!

That also means that we have yet to load up a day with our winter “Tule fog” that our San Joaquin Valley is noted for. It’s not that we miss the bloody mist; it’s just that it usually arrives around Thanksgiving Day and shows up regularly until about the end of February or so. We haven’t even had the usual “high fog” which reduces forward visibility to about 1 mile.

If that doesn’t just dust your dungeon, we’ve just experienced our driest year on record. There’s no snow on the mountain, no water in the rivers, and no prospects of change or hope for rain. This could shove food prices through the ceiling by next harvest time. One California politician called the matter dire. Since the San Joaquin Valley is the produce capital of the country, that prognosis is rather scary.

The Democrats think we should resolve the issue by shutting off all the river and canal water except for three cups per farm or ranch so we can insure the survivability of some of the huggable watery denizens. I disagree and do protest and believe that the survivability of we humans should be a priority over small slimy fish. Silly me.

We still have water in our irrigation ditch out back which comes from the Tule River but we don’t take it for granted. There should be enough to keep our oranges from croaking and to keep the frogs in the front ditch croaking. I need to soak all points in between but can’t seem to get my duck in a row and get it done. I think the dumb duck is lazy. The lawn looks mowed and trimmed but rather anemic and about ready to receive its last rites.

The apple trees are looking puny too. After being planted for almost two years and after all of the baby sitting they’ve had they haven’t grown an inch that I can tell. *Sigh*. I reckon that, if I didn’t have a brown thumb, I’d have no thumb at all.

It’s likely that old ranch caretakers, will reorganize the barn this winter...or this spring...or this summer...or this next fall. We’ve calculated that there is just about room enough for a can of tuna to fit in there before we run completely out of space. If we reorganize, there may be room for a second can. We’ll see.

There’s just so much to do in 2014 that it's a real challenge to one's faith and stamina. The 60 rods and reels need to be overhauled and readied for service, a stack of fishing tackle needs to be organized and put into boxes, the ham radio shack needs to be populated and readied, the antennas, including my new G5RV dipole, need to be strung, the antenna tuners need to be readied, my discone antenna for my scanners needs to be mounted, the tractor needs work on the exhaust manifold, and my shotgun needs to be shined.

I've got some nice HF/SW, VHF/UHF receivers and a couple of smaller VHF/UHF Yaesu ham transceivers. But, I need to park them where they're more usable than here in my smallish shop that is stuffed full of computer oriented things. I keep the small SW receiver handy but don't want to hook up the big Icom R7100 VHF/UHF receiver in here (big is not an understatement).  

Also, the two BBQ grills need to be buffed up and readied for use and the new long propane fuel hose needs to be installed on the gas grill so I can use the “hundred pound'er” tank instead of the smaller onboard 20 pound’er. You probably noticed that I refuse to run out of fuel when I run the grill. If I did it wouldn't be the end of the soap opera because I still have the standard charcoal grill. But...that's not as convenient as the propane grill. Have I mentioned that I'm ....convenience oriented?

Next, the recording studio needs to be set up. I have the computer and software all set to go and most of the soundboards and other equipment is at hand. That stuff will be set up at the workstation behind my main station where I slog along working on ailing computers. I’ll be running an XP machine for that and, believe it or not, will use a KVM switch to alternate with a Windows ME machine so I can have access to some older but still valuable software (and much of it is easier to use too). They will be hooked up to a big beautiful Sony flat screen monitor. I love it because it’s a square one and great for graphic arts. When you use the 16X9 screens, you get a stretchy distortion and it throws your design off.

After that (or before), the ministry recording and duplication will need to be established. And, the books I’ve authored need to be finished and published, and the songs that I’ve written have to be recorded and a copyright obtained. I think I’ll just have pizzas delivered for a few months so I can just stay home and work. 

Connie’s 1.5 h.p. 4-stroke Honda powered tricycle with the front basket, special seat, headlight, and tail lights needs to be assembled. That takes most of a long day (barring lousy weather, an attack of the Gypsies, or, more likely, being smitten with a hunger pang). Then, there are two two-stroke engines that need to be mounted on two other  bikes. Have I gotten to the part about needing to take care of the poor neglected hangar at the airport yet? Sheese.

And, there’s the normal home maintenance. For instance, I was jockeying my genuine made-in-China plastic toilet seat yesterday when it suffered a catastrophic bilateral hinge separation. Now, it’s been awhile since I’ve ground looped a toilet seat but I still did a pretty fair job of dragging a wing tip and beating up the pilot in command. He suffered a bit of airframe bending and a little reshuffling of his tail feathers. The thing needs to be replaced before my wife tries to fly this thing and augers in. I’m going to get a “real” one tomorrow.

The bees need to be kept, too. When you have a herd of bees, you just can’t ignore them. We’ve had help and advice from professional beekeeper and brother (he’s a professional at that too!), Dave Kruse and his wife, Maryann, are back out here from back out there in South Dakota. South Dakota, you may recall, is the place on the map that no one…no one (except those that live there and they certainly plan on keeping it that way)….knows anything about other than the weather (which has two seasons, cold and colder) and that there are “bad lands” there. I heard a rumor that the place is so conservative that it’s against the law to have a Democrat even show up anywhere in the state.

Anyway…..it appears that, if we don’t raise the rent, the bees will stay around for awhile and bless us with some great orange blossom honey. We ended up with about 15 quarts of honey last year so we’re expecting at least that much this year. We’d better ….we’ve baby sat these little winged critters and all but bottle fed them for almost a year now. Dave checked the hives the other day and there is enough honey to tide them over until the next bloom. “Ol’ Ran the Bee Man”….sort of has a ring to it.

So, that’s the latest from “Rancho BeesWax-O”. Hang around and see what’s down the pike for Rancho Ran and his sidecook, Connie the Canner. It should be…..interesting.

Rancho Wrap Up

Well….here we are at the end of another perfectly good year. I know that I say it all of the time but….where on earth has the time gone? It seems as though the first of the year has just gotten here. *SIGH*. Whoever coined the term “My! How time flies!” was certainly paying attention to details.

 This is also to say that I’m creeping up (as in, being dragged kicking and screaming) to the big “65” in a few days. That totally bums me out because I was starting to put some real effort into outlining what it was I wanted to be when I grew up. 

Anyway…..all is well here at the ranch. The trees are all going to sleep for the winter and the gophers are all at rest knowing that it will be too cold for me to be hunting them for awhile. I don’t know; maybe I’ll stage a surprise attack one morning and flush the little buggers out into the open where I can finish them off with a grenade or some such. We’ll see.

 The canning is over for this season. Connie is the “Green Bean Queen” for a day…or a month…or a year. On this last go around, she didn’t even know she had any green beans growing and ended up with 14 pounds of them! Not having our produce stand in operation yet (or planned yet), she opted to just can them. Add to that the fact we have plenty of bacon, salt pork, side meat, pork shoulder, and other pork products then you can imagine the options that we have for green beans in the future. The church potlucks will certainly benefit from a few of the casseroles, no doubt. “Green beans in the mornings. Green beans in the evening. Green beans at supper time” (surely all you old folks remember the song: “Sugartime” – the McGuire Sisters 1958).

 Our bees are doing whatever bees do for the winter. We checked them the other day and they have honey for the winter. But, we’ll make sure that they don’t run out prior to the next bloom by feeding them if they need it.  I’ve checked with a couple of resources and not one of them has recommended that you make sure that they have plenty of electricity for their tiny light bulbs so they can keep warm. I’m sure they’ll figure out how to survive the winter. So far, we still have two of the original four hives. The ants drove one hive off and the wax moth invasion ran the other one off. We'll see if we can hustle up another hive or two. There's usually a swarm to be found from time to time. Perhaps we'll end up with a couple of replacements.

We’re still eyeballing the concept of getting some chickens. I love chickens (especially with mashed potatoes and gravy). They’re great to have around and are a great source of fertilizer and such as well as being, of course, a great place to shop for eggs and meat. They do keep the insect population under control too.

The problem is that we live right on State Highway 190 which is all called “Mashed Flat Alley”.  We have one neighbor who has lost three pet dogs to the traffic. Yes, she should have been more attentive to the matter and do what we do. We have an “electric fence” that keeps Maggie the Wonder Dog from wandering into the path of a stray tire. She most certainly is a “wanderer” and is quick to exercise that undesirable trait if left to her own desires. The fence gives her a buzz when she approaches the limit. If she continues, she gets a hot shot of electricity which is enough to cause her to holler in pain. She’s learned not to do that.

 Wandering is doubly applicable to chickens. They seem to have an overpowering instinct to throw themselves under the first moving vehicle they encounter. I can’t count the number of dead fowls I’ve seen in my driving days. Likewise, who hasn’t seen a group of chickens on the shoulder of the road just idly pecking away at the nutritious dirt and asphalt?

 There are a couple of ways to approach the matter. One would be to fix them up with the same electrical fence that we use for the dog. Upon further examination, that would likely be a mess for a couple of reasons. For one, why would anyone want to hang a 25 dollar shock collar on a brain-dead 2 dollar chicken? Exactly. Not today.

 Secondly, a chicken is so stupid that, when the collar shocked them, they would probably just rebelliously continue on their marry way until the current just killed then cooked them (nothing like zap fried chicken, I always say). So, it’s best that we perhaps get a few chickens and practice watching them kill themselves naturally.

 Then, of course, there has to be a coop or protective enclosure of some sort too. That’s to keep the predators from having a free lunch. Our local coyotes are really into free lunches here. We can hear them all the time yipping and howling at night demanding their free lunch.

 There, again, is the issue of spending 600 clams to house 20 bucks worth of chickens. There may be a time when the math works but for now I’m not convinced that it does. Anyway, I'm gonna change the subject before you all think I'm the local chicken whisperer.

 The weather report is a bit odd for this early in the season. We’re expecting a hard freeze. Those are rare birds anyway but, to have one the first week of December is unusual. Must be all of the global warming we’re hearing about. You know: like the cold snap that hammered the east a few days ago. Nothing like brutal cold to make you a believer in global warming, don’tcha know. The climatologists in the early 1970’s were warning us about “global cooling” and we should be listening to them. Back then, they didn’t have computers that could be programmed to get the desired results. They just used hard evidence. How amazing.

 Before too awfully long, Ol’ Rancho Ran will have to grab each of his gas motor powered equipment and run them for awhile. They need to be started and run a bit to keep the gas from gunking up. I use “Sta-Bil” from time to time but usually don’t store stuff all that long to have to need it. The tractor needs a bit of attention but that can wait until warmer weather. I can still start it up and let it run for now and that's all it needs. Our mechanic is in Aridzona for the winter and will be back for his spring planting in late February or so. I'll give him a holler. He loves Ford 8N's and even has one himself.

 The weedeaters and 3.5K generator I think can be started with just a quick shot of starting fluid. It’s made mostly of ether which was the first anesthetic. So, you can just take a big sniff and have your tooth pulled while warming up your motor.

 We got to go see the grandkiddies for a couple of days down in Harbor City. That’s next door to Torrance and is about 200 miles as the Armadillo crawls. It was a nice time of fellowship, food, and a bit o' frolicking (the kids did the frolicking part. I did the “watch the kids frolic” part while comfortably parked). They are all a hoot plus a bag of chips. I’ve never seen a batch of kids as sharp, thoughtful, caring, well disciplined, and talented all in one place. They’re all believers too and attend church regularly.

 A couple of them are even in the Easter pageant that their church conducts each year. They recreate paintings and works of art that depict scenes from the Bible by using costumed and made up characters. It’s actually wild to see a masterpiece like the “Last Supper” literally come to life before your eyes!

 The van rolled into the driveway about 10:15 PM that evening. Because we departed in the middle of the rush hour we had to do our penance by parking on the 405 for about an hour. That was brilliant. So, the 4 hour trip took an hour longer.

That’s the skinny on the Ranch and its ranch hands, El Cheapo y Abuela Guapa. Stay tuned for more adventures from Rancho Relaxo. Good night Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

RANCHO ESPRESSO

 The main little work horse espresso maker. I think I paid about 5 bucks for this little guy at a yard sale. It was like new. They retail for about 100 bucks.

The "Big Bertha" of espresso machines around here. The Breville is a nice espresso maker. I go in spurts and use this one for awhile then use the other ones. It's parked out in the garage until called upon to perform.

The vintage Benjamin and Medwin stove top machine. I used it the other day but it's not quite as convenient as the others. And, you know just how convenience oriented that Ol' Ran is.

Ah, yes. Nothing like a nice hot espresso cappuccino to help one greet the day. It's super to be able to grab a cuppa after showering (or before) and start the day checking e-mail and getting ready for the work ahead.

You may have already guessed that the Ranch has a bunch of espresso hanging around just waiting to be broken into. That is a correct; there is a lot of it play with. And  just like women, not all coffees are made alike. Sooooo….Ol’ Ran likes to sample this one and that one from hither and yon. I’ve tried the expensive Eye-Talian stuff and like it. It tastes great and should since some of it costs about 50% more than Starbucks. However, my assessment is that it isn’t worth the price difference.

Then, there’s the Cuban "La Llave" which, for a relatively cheap coffee, is pretty darn good. I use that to make both espressos and Cuban coffee.  It’s actually not a dark roasted coffee yet is very flavorful. Other espresso brands available here in Podunk are "Pilon", "Cafe' Bustelo", "Medalgia D'Oro", and "Goya". Local supermarkets also have private brand espresso coffee beans available.

I’m finding that Italian roasts are pretty good too. The difference between it and the French roast is only about 30 seconds in the roaster. The French roast is 40% or more ash which is fine….if you like ash. I like French roast regularly brewed but 90% of the time use it to make espresso and usually blend it with something else.  

 Another revvy is that just about any dark roasted coffee makes for good cappuccinos. I didn’t know that until I started grinding and blending different coffees. It isn’t so much the roast but rather the type (e.g. Columbian, Sumatra, Costa Rica, et. al.) and blend of beans. Light roasts aren’t used at all in making espresso that I can tell but just about all of the others roasts are. That's on top of the other revvy that "espresso" isn't a roast but a method of brewing coffee. Don'tcha just love coming into the light from utter darkness.

About all of the beans I use are premium "Arabica". The cheap “robusto” beans are bitter and nasty tasting and even dark roasted ones aren’t all that appealing. That’s the “Dollar Tree” stuff which appears to be a bargain but really isn’t because you just throw the stinky junk out later. Even Motel 6 doesn't use it. You just can't doctor that garbage up enough to make it potable. I think it's recycled truck stop coffee grounds that have been dried and repacked after adding ground up old tennis shoes to it.

 So far, I’ve been mixing some of the major brands together and coming up with some interesting brews. Adding a bit of Columbian to the mix is usually a winner. So far, it doesn't seem to matter which brand is used. They all come out fairly tasty. However, a dark/French roast Columbian is pretty hard to beat as an espresso or regularly brewed coffee. Around here French roast Columbian isn't available. Even on our vacation trips I can't find it anywhere. Not sure what that's all about since it's a sure fire great tasting coffee. In times past we could buy it locally but it isn’t available any longer. That means that I have to mix a medium with a dark roast.

 Something similar may be hitting the shelves because I just saw a can of “Dark Roast Columbian” the other day at “Town and Country Market” on west Olive St. It’s by the same marketer as the old “French Roast Columbian” so it’s likely that it’s just been repackaged. That would be nice. Until then, I’m just tossing in some medium roast Columbian with the regular French roasted stuff and home brewing a nice cup of cappuccino or latte’.  When the new coffee goes on sale, I'll snatch a can.

Yuban is pretty good coffee so I tried mixing their French Roast with Folger’s Columbian (medium roast) and came up with a decent blend. I’m now trying Eight O’ Clock French mixed with what all. It's fun to tinker with the different options. If it turns out to be goofy, then I just put more milk in it and thin it out a bit. Or, I  just toss in a bit of Starbucks which seems to make even the worst coffee taste better. I've been trying out Folger's different roasts and haven't been disappointed. Trying to find their "Bistro" style has been difficult because Porterville isn't a real town yet and not that many folks here drink exotic coffees. I've not yet broken into the dark roast Maxwell House and Hills Brothers coffees. All in due time, I suppose. 

 Speaking of espresso, you can’t have a cappuccino if you don’t have an espresso maker. Rancho Relaxo has no shortage of coffee making contraptions. We do, of course, have the standard “Mr. Coffee” style coffee maker. It’s a nice little 4 cupper which serves my purposes. Then, there’s the big Keurig pod monster. I can mix and match till the cows come home with that big baby. And, there’s the French press coffee makers (one large and one smaller one) that await commissioning. If that isn’t enough to pluck your duck, I have a large Turkish style Ibrik so I can make Turkish coffee. Actually, since it's so big, I don't use it at all. Instead, the little stainless steel milk steamer pot with a long handle works just fine for Turkish style brewing. I can probably use the big one when the Imams and Ayatollahs come for a visit, eh?

 

I also have a vintage Benjamin and Medwin stainless steel stove top espresso maker. Dear friend and brother, Jackson Wallen, in Cayucos has one and loves it. You can get one eBay for 50 bucks or so. They are well built and should last at least another 50 years or so without failing.

But, the cake taker isn’t that one or the electric Melitta espresso makers (one white and one black…as a back up…a man’s got to have a back up, don'tcha know). It’s the big stainless steel Breville espresso maker. She’s a beaut and she retails for about 400 clams. Now….Ol’ Ran isn’t about to chip for such an expensive boat anchor. However, he can be convinced that spending 100 bucks for the same machine is a good deal. The folks we got it from received it as a gift and they had no more desire to drink espresso coffee than getting a case of lymphocytic choriomeningitis. I was pleased to spare them any suffering.

 

Connie (bless her little non-coffee drinking heart) found it on Craig’s List so we picked it up and gave it a new home. It creates a great espresso. I do drink straight espressos but most of my drinks are cappuccinos. I prefer that even over the latte’s though that was the original drink for a long time until I learned the differences.

It’s nice to stuff different blends in it and try this and that coffee. I can run a batch of decaff through it too which comes in handy at night when a guy doesn't want to stay up all night but just wants to savor the flavor. How nice to snuggle up next to a hot cappuccino and sip it while tinkering on computers or such.

 

It's also nice to have a couple of different kinds of coffee grinders. We have one each of the mill type and the impact (whirly) type. Both have their pluses and minuses but I end up using the blade type most of the time for convenience sake (did I mention how convenience oriented I am?). True aficianados spend as much for their coffee grinders as they do for their coffee machines. Guess I'll be an amateur for the time being. It's certainly a lot less expensive that way.  

 I won’t run out of coffee for awhile. We knock over Costco from time to time and haul a batch home. Then, there are the close-outs. I won’t buy Starbucks at retail or sale prices but will load up when they dump some prior to “sell by” dates. I can’t buy too much, though, or it gets stale.

 Anyway, that’s some of the every day happenings here at Rancho Espresso. You can bet….. we stay awake and alert around here.  Maybe we should change the name to “Rancho Wide Awake-O”.

 

RANCHO VENDO

 

Well…..the big annual “Rancho Relaxo Apple Festival Yard Sale” has been concluded. That’s all we can sells ….we can’t sells no more. Talk about a “smash hit”! There were 22 sellers this year and the place was alive and crawling with bargain hunters! We had cars lined up for quite a distance on both sides of the highway! Many people commented that we were the biggest thing happening at the entire festival! That’s interesting since we are three miles west of the actual “Apple Festival” in beautiful downtown Springville.

Connie asked one lady how she liked the “Apple Festival” and she replied, “I didn’t come to see the festival. I only came for your yard sale”! How cool is that?!

There was little that couldn’t be found here. We had furniture, car and pickup tires, miscellaneous hardware, bric-a-brac, tractor implements, a few tools, computer parts and pieces, home furnishings and pictures, collectibles of all kinds and categories, and enough clothing to fill a dump truck!

We ended up with two sets of above-ground swimming pool mounting stands. When assembled, they form a perfect 15' circle so Connie came up with the idea to set up the poles then hang clothes on them for the yard sale! It keeps the clothing up off the ground and nice and tidy and ready for selection. The lady is one sharp Ginzu steak knife, eh?

One couple, James and Fern Hill, had recently closed their consignment shop. They brought a ton of stuff to sell up here and did just that! They made out very well so are “cappy hampers”.

 Connie made sure that the troops were well fed, too! We started with hot coffee and banana muffins on Friday morning. For lunch, there was “Okie Style” beans and bacon with fresh cornbread muffins served with real butter! What a treat! She then served freshly baked cookies! Oh, my!

 On Saturday, we had hot gourmet coffee and donuts for the morning. At noon, she served nachos with cheese sauce and a friend brought a chicken casserole! That was a hit with our valiant vendors!

On Sunday morning (I had to be at church but was home by about 1PM), there was freshly ground coffee galore again and Connie’s home-built apple-pecan muffins. They were dreamy! She wasn't finished just yet, though. There was a hot crock pot full of pulled pork for sandwiches, home-made potato salad, and home-made pork and beans, plus home-made apple sauce for lunch! There wasn’t enough left to feed a starving gnat! Everyone licked their plates and the serving bowls clean! Heck! They were even tracking down the serving spoons!

The pork was spiced with a mix of “Pappy’s Seasoning” and “Kirkland” brand (Costco) “Sweet Mesquite” seasoning. It must have worked because they kept coming back for more until there was none left! Connie was the heroine of the festival! There was no way she was going to let our friends go without enough energy to endure the huge “Sell-o-rama” at “Rancho Relaxo”!

“Maggie the Wonder Dog” was in her element. She had a great time of greeting folks. All of that greeting must have taken a great toll on her because she would flop down on the concrete driveway in the middle of one of the aisles between the tables (we had 12 long tables that held just our stuff!) and take a nap right under foot (bless her lil’ darlin’ doggie heart). The good news is that there weren’t as many stuffed animals as last year. She would discover someone’s pile of stuffed toys within reach and would help herself to them. It was a hoot! She must have thought that the Lord was blessing her with a bunch of new play toys so she just hauled them off, baptized them in dirt, tore their eyes out, and made them her own. “Maggie the Klepto Dog”….yeah…that’s her.

It took a year to prepare for this event. Connie was packing, racking, and stacking stuff hither and yon but mostly in the designated “yard sale” section of our barn (what? You don’t have a designated “yard sale” section in your barn?! Silly you!). She carefully cleaned and priced each item (hundreds of them!) and packed them away for the "big day". It made me tired just watching her, don'tcha know! It took three days to set up, there were three days of selling, and it’ll take almost a week to do the cleanup work.

What we didn’t sell and folks didn’t want to hassle with will be sent to a local thrift store (similar to “Good Will” or “Salvation Army”). They come up here with a small truck and pick stuff up. It just works out really well that way.

One cool thing is that Connie and I get to browse through all of those left behind goodies and see if there’s anything that we want! We’ve seen a couple of things that we can probably post on “Craig’s List” and make a few bucks. You may recall that free money is our friend here at the ranch! On top of that, people stop by even when we’re closed and buy stuff! We made 18 bucks on the Monday after the event was ended. One lady said that she had tried to stop the day before but couldn’t find a place to park anywhere reasonably close so she just skipped it. We said, “No worries” and took her money. She was happy and ….we were too. Today, a lady came by and bought some stuff so we're more than 20 clams to the good with that. I hadn't even showered yet (I'm delaying that chore as long as I can get away with it).

We’re all tired (“beat” is a bit closer to what we are) but it’s what you could call a “good tired”. We all had a great time of selling (making a profit is fun!), food, and fellowship. Though we now have the calm after the storm, everyone is looking forward to next year when we can all get together and sell, sell, sell! There were a couple of new faces this year, too, so we now have a couple of new friends. Most likely, there will be a couple more new friends next year too as this event takes on a life of its own. That’ll be grand!

We had to greet the day at about 6 AM for the duration which, of course, precluded my getting to be “Captain Underpants” while I drank my coffee, checked my e-mail, and checked my eBay listings, and otherwise prepared for the day. Things are wonderfully back to normal so I can return to “un-lax” mode in the mornings. Can you imagine how difficult it would be for Ol’ Ran to have to suffer having to greet the day without properly preparing for it? Perish the thought! Comfort zones die hard here at the ranch.

So, y’all stay tuned to the next adventure sure to follow here at “Rancho Vendo”. We’ll be looking out the venders to see what we can see and looking forward to what Vender Ran and Vender Connie are up to next. I can’t help but vunder.

 

P. S. sorry for not posting pictures. I had planned on doing that but things were so hectic that it slipped my Teflon-coated noggin.

 

 

 

 

RANCHO FIXO

The feed line to the water heater had to come over the top instead of the wall like before.

Sooooo....that's what our kitchen sink looks like from behind!

 

 Above and to the right are the same picture of the exterior wall looking from the patio toward the kitchen. The garage is on the left.

Another shot from the patio.

This is one of the three solar powered attic fans that we had them install. If we had not installed them, the county (great oracles of wisdom and thievery) would have required us to install "eyebrow vents" with the new roof.

 The pair of vents. The windows on the left are where my office/sweat shop is.

The vent on the garage is a different brand and model. We weren't quite sure at the time if we were going to put a single vent on the house so we just ordered two. Later, our contractor advised that having two on the house would be a good way to go so we boogied over to "Lowe's" and picked this one up.

A close up of the garage vent.

All three vents.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well….the fix is in. We’ve finally got the new roof stuck on and the plumbing leak has been arrested (and charged with a misdemeanor). We’re officially back to square one….which seems to be a lot further away from my pocket book than I remembered.

Did you know that roofers and plumbers don’t work for free ….or peanuts? I think I may have missed my calling. You know….”Roofin’ Ran” sort of has a ring to it, eh? Maybe folks would call me “Ol’ Rufe” for short. I’m not trolling for votes at this time so….don’t. Besides, I don’t need no stinking hanging chads.

 Anyway, it’s nice to not have a bog or swamp in my back yard. Had we waited much longer I’m confident that we would have been alligator ranchers. Now, alligators do make great shoes and such but they really are tough to keep if for no other reason that they eat a lot….and….rather indiscriminately. I’m sure that we could explain away a few missing dogs and cats from the neighborhood but, after awhile, folks would, no doubt, encourage us to raise hogs instead (probably at the point of a gun).

 Maybe we could have raised guppies or minnows for fishing. After all, Lake Success is a mere 6 miles from here. At 3 bucks per bucket of 25 or so, I could make a bit of extra gas money for my boat (that hasn’t been wet yet). That, on the other hand, would have necessitated moving Connie’s clothesline to some other location. I didn’t ask her opinion about relocating it given that I knew what the answer would be. I was prepared to offer great evidence of how advantageous it would be to have another income source. But, I wasn’t prepared to see the scowl and grimace on her face even after presenting such compelling evidence. So, there was no way that the “Minnick Minnow Marketing and Management" maneuver was going to fly. We just fixed the dang leak. Part of the good news is that the water pressure is back up in the shower. No more having to run around in the shower to get wet. I hate that.

 We still have to have the contractor glue our siding back on for us. The plumber did a great job of not destroying the wall and siding but he’s a plumber and not a builder. We decided that it would be best to call the guy (now a good friend) who finished our barn and patio. Nice guy and quite competent (unlike Klepto The Clown who built the barn in the first place. We’re still smarting from his complete lack of concern for us and our project).  Though our wall looks like it barely survived the bombing of Berlin, it will look just fine.

 And, we won’t have to concern ourselves with rain drops falling on our head for about thirty years (the warranty on the new roof). The tradesmen (only one spoke English that I could tell and that was the contractor) did a great job and tidied up after themselves. They installed our three solar-powered attic fans for us too. That should help with the utility bill by a few percentage points. We stuck two on the house and one on the garage.

 The big “Springville Apple Festival 2013” yard sale extravaganza is almost upon us. It’s slated for Oct. 18-20 and Connie has been hustling around like a duck in a dry pond getting stuff (ours and others’) ready for the big sale. We will have around 20 sellers this year and could even tally more in the next week or so. Last year saw 22 vendors (I run Vendors 7 on my computer, yah sure!). It’s a lot of work but it’s also a lot of fun. We usually whip up a batch of stew and baked goods for everyone and just have at it. Everyone dips into their ice chests and grabs their goodies and away we go.  It works out great for us because there is a lot of stuff that doesn’t sell on eBay that we can sell and recoup our investment. To make matters even better, we often find a “free box” at random yard sales that we haul off. We may profit only a few bucks from it but, it’s FREE MONEY and free money is our friend. Also, it’s not all that rare that someone will simply give us their yard sale tailings because they have neither the time nor inclination to deal with them. No problemo. We have a solution that we can all live with. That’s why we have a nice 4’ x 8’ stake side trailer and, if that isn’t large enough, a really nice  6’ x 12’ covered trailer (aka “Heffalump”) with which to haul our booty.

Maggie the Wonder Dog will be in her element making sure that, after she sniffs and greets everyone, she'll be in their way. For reasons known only to her and God, she likes to flop down in the middle of the driveway where a hundred people are and insure that folks have to walk around her. *SIGH*.

 That’s what’s happening (for now) at “Camp Swampy”. Stay tuned for the further adventures of the Not-So-Dynamic Duo, Connie and Randy the Yard Sale Champions.