VACATION! VACATION! VACATION! PART 2

This was the motel where we stopped the first night. Nice place and highly recommended by us! Inexpensive, too!

Menudo! Menudo! Menudo! I hadn't had a batch of menudo in a long time so this was the chance! They have the best menudo! Folks come from all around to suck that stuff up! It's in Corning, CA for all you menudo fans. Tell'em "Menudo Ran" sent  you!

 Autumn is just sooooo pretty!

"Black Butte" at Shasta, CA.

On the road again! We'll be in Longview, WA by early evening.

In the previous update, it was obvious that the old folks from Rancho Relaxo were tired when they got home. However, they were quite exhausted when they departed. That meant that the original plan to drive to Redding, CA (387 mi.) on the first day just wasn’t feasible.

Redding has been my personal traditional northbound stopping point for a number of reasons. Not the least of those is the fact that you can find a place to stay without much effort at all. I have forsaken the God-forsaken Motel 6’s having learned long ago that there are much better deals for the same or less money (good deals are our friends). Sure; I’ll still unpack at one if they are the only motel available within a reasonable distance. But, they are pretty much at the bottom of my list.

Another reason is that Redding is a fair distance to travel in one day (almost 400 miles…and I'm giving thanks that I am not in a “prairie schooner” making ten miles per day on average). It’s a good first step toward making it to our first stop in Longview, Washington by late in the afternoon or early evening the next day (a total of about 830 miles or so or 15-16 hours depending). Starting at Willows makes for a long ten hour drive (not pushing) for the second day. But, we started fresh and full.

Another is not so much applicable these days as say 25 years ago when I traveled between CA and WA a couple of times per year; there are more good places in Redding to feed the crew.

Moving along with the moving along: the tired trippers tried to hang tough but ended up calling it a day in Willows, CA. I’ve actually spent the night there at least once that I recall. That was back before I became adverse to the idea of staying in a "Motel 6" whose only perk or plus was a hot cup of coffee in the morning after spending a night in a cramped room (even their “two queens” rooms are claustrophobic). 

Willows is a surprisingly nice place to stop. Our choice for the night was a generic “wake up and smell the curry” motel (amazingly cheap because we are too) that was a pleasure to stay in. Clean….large room….restaurant around the corner or up the pike a short way (more about that in a moment)…excellent, friendly, positive, helpful staff….not much to complain about at all.

The next morning, knowing that we had to put some kilometers behind us, we got a fairly early start. A quick pass at the continental breakfast and we’re BOI (back on the Interstate).

It was a beautiful CAVU day! In fact, the weather was incredibly accommodating the entire trip (both ways!). This trip was one of only two that I can remember in 25 years where it didn’t rain either most or part of the way coming and going. Not that I don’t like rain. Au contraire; I love the rain and don’t mind driving in it (what? You didn’t already know that the Ol’ Rancher is a dyed-in-the-wool goofball?).

As we boogied up the pike on our next leg (can you really boogie in an SUV? You can but it does lack a certain panache), I had not at all forgotten about the “Petro” truck stop in Corning a mere 30 minutes north of Willows. That is where they parked an “Iron Skillet” buffet which just happens to be my favorite in the chain (although the one in Amarillo, TX runs a close second. It’s right across from the airport, too)! It was amazing that I had completely worn out my continental breakfast by the time we made it to Corning!

All seriousness aside, the main reason and target of my hunger was that they have the absolute best menudo I’ve ever eaten! I tell them that every time I go in there and they just smile and say “Thank you!”. They also say that people come from all over to get their menudo! I shouldn’t wonder.

So, after adding a few…well…OK...a lot…of other items to my tray, it is easy to say that I had a “real” breakfast that morning. Menudo is our friend. After all, there is a reason that so many Mexicans eat it. Sure, it takes a bit of getting used to (not so much the taste but the texture) but it’s worth it. I've even had the "white menudo" down in Baja (somewhere south of Ensenada, as I recall). It isn't bad at all but I prefer the red stuff. 

After all the menudo, tacos, burritos, chili verde, chiIi Colorado, chile rellenos, carne asada, carne de res, carnitas, chili con carne, and chicharones I’ve eaten (think “tons”), it’s easy to think that I’m at least a pseudo-Mexican by now (sure glad that doesn’t require a DNA test).

It was a good thing that we were driving an SUV because I’m not sure that a Nissan Altima (our first option for a rental car) would have hauled us out of the parking lot. Boy….were we stuffed!

The next leg of the trip was the most scenic. Crossing the Siskyou Mountains is always interesting but it’s even more so in the fall when the leaves are all expressing their demise in the most glorious and splendorous way.

Most of the rest of the trip to Longview, WA was uneventful. We hadn’t had too many assaults on our lives and had no car problems. And, the terrain hadn’t changed much. I had travelled that route many times so not much was new and exciting.

The big black SUV finally rolled into Longview right on time and with a couple of tired and hungry travelers on board. It was about 8PM and the beds at the “Econolodge” were beckoning us like Sirens to unlashed sailers.

We’ve found “Econolodge” to be a pretty good deal overall. They have really reasonable rates (I think the most we paid was 67 dollars) and have a hot breakfast in most places. Their rooms are as large as any we’ve stayed at and the service at this particular place was super. In fact, the only motel at all that had a larger room was the "Seaside Inn" on Beech Street in Morro Bay (and I think the "Harbor House" on Main St. may have had a similar sized room). Later, at an “Econolodge” in Chehalis, WA, we were even more pleased (more later on that).

Plan A was to call son, Michael, and have him and his new wife, Mary, come over from Rainier, OR (about 15 minutes or so). However, given the status of our aged airframes and bent landing gear, we opted for Plan B which was to call and advise them “Let’s do this tomorrow morning”. That was fine with them. So, we unloaded the barge and berthed for the night.

There you have it. Part 2 of the Rancho Relaxo Report. Stay tuned; we’ve a ways to go.

VACATION! VACATION! VACATION! PART 1

 This is the Mitsubishi Outlander we rented for three weeks. I have yet to drive a more comfortable, easy handling, smooth breaking, quite and comfortable riding, straight tracking, car in my entire life. My Cadillac didn't ride as nicely as this black beauty. Talk about quiet! Not once, not twice, but three times I got out of the car and Connie asked me if I was going to turn it off! Unreal! Want one!

To the right is just one of the many ultra-gorgeous shots of the area around Mt. Vernon, WA. I went "click happy" with my camera the entire trip!

 

This shot is from Ranier, OR just across the river from Longview, WA. It's a tribute to dear friend and sister, Fern Hill whose husband is now convinced that she is related to or knows just about everyone on the entire west coast.

This is the "Corningware" store in Burlington, WA near where Connie's son, Tracey, and his family live (Bow). We try to at least stop at the big outlet malls when we know there's a "Corningware" store there. There aren't many so we don't go that often. 

Unfortunately, we saw a lot of burned countryside. This is on I-5 north of Redding where they had the big fires last year. When we got near Paradise, as you can suspect, it was pretty  ugly. 

Anyone who has traveled north in California immediately recognizes this big pile of rocks. It's Mount Shasta. I must say that this is the first time I've seen it without its snow coat on, though. This is not the first time we've stopped at this "Pilot Travel Center" for a break.

Well….we did it! We managed to wend and eat our way through four states. It was burgers, buffets, and beyond! I’m not sure that’s a truly great accomplishment for the books but it surely was a tasty one! The best news is that we are now home safe and sound (if not a bit overweight and a lot worn out) and really really (times ten-to-the-6th power) happy to be back at the ranch. We were most thankful that we made the trip without incident and with minimal teeth, hair, and money loss.

  

It’s not that we’re cheap; we are frugal but we don’t toss money into the wind just to see which way it’s blowing. For instance, we took advantage of a super deal at the “Corning Store” in Burlington, WA. They were closing out some of their 60 year commemorative products and they just happened to be the design that Connie the Canner has been collecting for many moons! She didn’t have some of the pieces so, to help complete the collection, we loaded up! That was a cool 75% savings! We only spent a tad over 100 dollars so….do that math on that! Closeouts are our friends!

  

Actually making it home alive was probably the greatest of accomplishments. It’s not that there weren’t hoards of other drivers who were insistent upon trying to kill us. Not so. There was no lack of those who had not given the least thought of arriving at their destination either alive or in one peace. They all thought less of us. However, we managed to out-maneuver them and avoid having our bodies reduced to just enough matter to fill a good-sized dust pan.

  

The greatest peeve was the “bumper sticker”. Y’all know that driver well, I’m sure. It doesn’t matter at what velocity you are traveling; he’ll stay within a few feet of your bumper. You can’t even see his headlights in your rear view mirror. If you speed up to 20 mph over the speed limit, he’s on your tail within a car length. If you out accelerate him, he’ll catch up. If you slow to the speed limit, he’s still there and at any point in between. Rather than take a chance on having any of them end up as a hood ornament (by way of the rear seat), I just pulled over and the let the crazies go on by. It was my day off and it wasn’t a good day to die. The way I see it, vacationing isn’t supposed to resemble an on-going near-death experience. 

  

Since there was still so much work left undone before leaving, we decided that, upon our return, we would “hit the deck a’runnin’”. Right.  Let me tell you right now......that did not happen. The old folks were so beat after the trip that we hit the deck a’crawlin’. Man! We entered the house and were both looking for the dump truck that had just ran over us! UGH! It may take a while for us to recover so the urgency to tear into things at the ranch has greatly waned. We’ll do our runnin’ and tearin' later (about the year 2020 should work just fine).

  

Getting a move on: after the yard sale, there was little time to do anything but tidy up and finish the planning of our escape. The “tailings” of the sale had to be re-boxed and organized with some of it being returned to the hangar for storage. We made a deal with another friend who wanted to purchase our leftovers. Boy! Did that ever help us out! But, even that simple plan was delayed for a few days for logistic reasons on his part. That left us scrambling to compensate for the delay and doing so with an expedited manner (note: tired old folks don’t scramble very well).

Eventually the gentleman came and retrieved the goodies. With that steel I-Beam off our shoulders, we were able to shift up one gear. You may want to note that such up-shifting involves an even greater expenditure of physical and psychological resources. Ol’ Ran and Connie the Canner needed both like the Luftwaffe needed gasoline in April of ‘45. So, next time, we will try to remain in the more comfortable lower gears. “Next time” meaning that it’s contingent upon convincing ourselves to engage in "TWO" (traveling while old) again. 

  

Nevertheless, progress was being made and, somehow, we were able to be on time to get the rental car in Visalia on Saturday morning. That jaunt enabled us to also procure a nice lunch at “Home Town Buffet”. Progress is our friend.

  

We weren’t bird nerds any longer so that eased the overall matter somewhat. Instead of having friend, neighbor, and fellow bird brain, Gary Oscena, chicken sit for us (he did offer. We have great neighbors in Springville!), we gave long-time friend, and neighbor, Leeann Chapman, our last clutch of cluckers. The three and a half hens (one is a bantum) and one bantum rooster will be happy in their new home.

  

Leann had been pondering getting some birds so we helped to jump-start the matter. With the help of one of our cages, and some chicken scratch, she’ll have some fresh eggs on hand in no time.

  

Oh, yes: the cage. Well, it seems that “someone” (aka Ol’ Ran, Bro. Doo Dah, Rancho Ran, or what all) wasn’t paying attention during the transporting of the cage to Leeann’s place (only about 6 miles down the lane (aka “Highway 190”).  It was a short haul and we wouldn’t be traveling all that fast. Besides, the fairly heavy cage was mostly wire with a small enclosed part at one end. Not much there to present resistance to the wind and incur “slipstreaming”, eh? If you think that, you haven’t been reading the blog updates for very long. Things at Rancho Relaxo aren’t that easy.

  

Sooooooo…..the head Ranch Dufus-In-Charge-of-Screwups, wanting to expedite the matter (because every muscle in his body but the ones which controlled the wiggling of his ears was screaming) failed to take three minutes to secure the cage after loading it into Wooly Pulley. Hey…..Wooly Pully has 4’ high stake sides and the cage only stuck up about two feet above them. No chance of a problem here. Besides, it was getting dark and we needed to get move on. Suuuuure.

  

As luck would have it (definition of bad luck: the result of being too stupid or lazy to take a few minutes to avoid catastrophe by implementing long-established protocols and procedures that are there to keep you from extreme consequences), we got about a half-mile from home and my fantasy ended abruptly. The cage quickly exited the trailer and engaged in high-velocity uncontrolled flight into the terrain…the really hard, unforgiving, unyielding terrain (think: cumulo-asphalt). Got any ideas what happened after that? Uh-huh. Splinterville.

 Prior to getting out of the van, my lightning-fast mind first advised that, “Oh, that was brilliant, Ran. Whatcha got for an encore?”. Then it portended, “This isn’t going to be pretty”. And….it wasn’t.

   

My really neat cage was no longer neat at all. It was disassembled in chunks that were scattered across the highway (a highway with real cars on it that love to track down and disassemble people). Thankfully, traffic was light so no cars were trying to throw themselves over my cage and…..me.  In a few minutes, the observable pieces (we found a major piece later) were placed in the trailer for the quick haul home. Way to go, Ran.

  

Back at the ranch, the Ol’ Rancher, now rather worn out and trying to construct a plan of attack that neither his body nor his soul were willing to engage in, simply unloaded the parts and pieces and took a shower; it would have to wait until mañana. Despite the respite, my body parts were too tired to do the high-five.

Other aspects of the trip were addressed for the remainder of the evening so, the dynamic-less duo didn’t get a lot of rest. The next day would be a doozy too. I couldn't wait.

   

There you have it: part one of the amazing (that we survived) adventures of the Rancho Yo-Yo Twins (we’re always forgetting stuff and having to return to the ranch to get it). Stay tuned for the next update which will be coming up soon (if the Ol’ Rancher can stay awake at the keyboard). It will be…..interesting.

Rancho Se Vende! Se Vende! Se Vende!

 Here's some of the folks setting up there stuff for the sale. Notice the clothing ring. That's the skeleton of the old above-ground pool we had. It makes a great clothing rack! We have two of them! A few years ago, Connie just happened to see a set in a small dumpster in Porterville so we tossed it into the back of the "Coop de Ville".

Lots of stuff! This year was the largest for us. We had 23 tables set up! That also means that 23 tables had to be taken down. All is not fun and games at a yard sale but it's worth it.

It takes awhile to set up, too. We hauled load after load after load from the hangar, the garage, and the barn.

This area will soon be stuffed with shoppers looking for stuff. Since the place was stuffed with stuff, they found lots of stuff and bought lots of stuff. We just kept stuffing green stuff into our money box! Stuff is our friend.

This is where "Sooz" (as in "Soozie Singer") sets up every year. She's the talented lady with "Duggin's Citrus Express Band". I play bass guitar with them from time to time. Sooz is another hard working consummate "sale'er" and does well every year.

Setting up the ring. Connie didn't count the clothes but they were packed solidly together when she finished hanging them. Only about 20% remained at the end of the sale.

Sooz setting up shop.

A small portion of the goodies we had for sale. It took us 5 days to set up and we still felt we should have taken another day to do so.                                                                                                           




                                                                     This is Connie and "Aunt Joyce” (Abbie's aunty) taking a break from all the setting up. Joyce is a dear neighbor who is a "dog person" who we and Abbie adopted and she adopted us. She likes to spoil Abbie a bit and Abbie loves to be spoiled at least two bits.

                                                                         
                                                               
         

We're done! This is a week-and-a-half after the sale and we were still packing up and getting rid of stuff. Talk about a couple of tired old people!

The end of the trail. We sold some of the tailings to a friend who wants to start one of two yard sales that are allowed by the county per  year. He used to operate full-time but the county put an end to it since they couldn't get their cut of the deal.




 Here we are post hurricane. Well, sorta. It's almost as though a big blow came in and wrecked the place like it did a few years ago. Lots of tired and achy muscles later, things were back to normal...kind of. Rancho Relaxo is never quite "normal".

 The party's over. Thank goodness!

Cleaning up. We still had to haul a few things back to the hangar for....next year. We're really re-thinking if the old folks are going to be up to another one of these brutal sessions of fun poisoning. We'll see. If you were wondering why there are no pictures of the hordes of shoppers, Ol' Ran couldn't find the bloody pictures! He only used the cell phone and the Nikon "Cool Pix" camera so it wasn't rocket science. Curses! Foiled again!



Well….it’s November already! Doesn’t that just prang your Prius?

That also means that the big “Rancho Yard Sale” is behind us. Boy! Talk about a couple of tired old people! When this gig was finished, our tires were flat, our axles were draggin’, and most of our muscles were in full rebellion. Ugh.

Every year, during the local “Springville Apple Festival”, held on the third weekend of Oct., we conduct a huge multi-family yard sale. This year, we had eighteen sellers and we all had a blast!

This year’s sellers included long-time “sale’er”, Susan ("Sooz") Newsome (with us from the beginning), Jim and Betty Bailey, Duke and Jan Snyder (several events), Courtney and Melody Gillespie (second time), Leann Chapman (long-time “sale’er” with us from the beginning), and several others who have manned a push-up canopy and tables over the years.

Big events like this don’t just spontaneously happen. There is a lot of planning some of which invariably goes wrong or which is derailed by unforeseen and last-minute issues or changes. That’s where event planner, Connie the Seller, comes in.

As usual, she did a bang up job of it. It took a lot of teeth grinding and hair pulling but she was a real trooper. I’m confident that I couldn’t coordinate an event this big but she pulled it off like a pro.

I think the heavy money till helped to assuage some of her grief, though. Because of the prosperous muscle and soul-wrenching event, this will be a comfortably affordable vacation and, hopefully, the woes and aches of the matter will be swallowed up in enjoyment of the time off.

One of the highlights of the sale is the great food! This year’s menu included the usual pulled pork. Ol’ Rancho Ran mustered his “Power Pressure Cooker” and his big “CrockPot” (sort of like a crack pot using a CrockPot) out for service. We had a huge bag of "Smart and Final" hamburger buns on hand, too. Someone brought potato salad and Connie had baked beans to go with it. Add chips and we feasted like kings!

Some of the ladies also brought baked goods and there were donuts to help kick-start the day. That, of course, meant that we had to have coffee on tap. The Ol’ Rancher had this 40 cupper fired up and he used the expensive eye-talian “La Vazza” coffee. It’s ten bucks for a 12 oz. can but you just know that Ol’ Ran isn’t about pay that much for it. No, sirree. It was a clearance item (“Clarence” is my friend) and he bought an armload of them for a buck a throw. The good sellers drank a full pot each day (with you-know-who helping as best he could).

You can’t imagine how we really needed to get rid of a lot of our goods and stores. Sometimes it’s beyond us how we actually accumulate all that we do. It’s not like we’re out trolling the streets looking for stuff to park on the property so we can start a dust collection. I think the stuff is breeding when we’re not looking. *SIGH*. 

You may also be shocked at just how much didn't get put out for sale! We had hoped to clear out the goodies in the barn and make room for enough space to at least walk around in. It just didn't happen this time. Maybe next year. 

There was a ton of goods of all shapes, sizes, and kinds. We had bric-a-brac, electronics, computer stuff, wires (or "waars" as in "Whatcha gonna do with all them waars"), hardware, tools, pictures, clothing, antiques, collectibles, and you name it. We had it all (just like Bogie and Bacall). 

Some of our personal assets for sale even included “Heffalump”, the big 6’ x 12’ covered cargo trailer. I let a lot of computer hardware go, too. Those things are not cheap but we had no room for it and no time to babysit it. It had to go bye-bye.

I sort of hated to see that big white cargo trailer leave the ranch but it’s not practical for now. The hope was to have a big ol’ picky-up truck with which to haul it. The van can haul it just fine as long as we’re on level ground. So, it’s OK for making trips to the hangar but we don’t make trips to the hangar all that often. It's great for hauling things to Sacramento but we don't go to Sacramento. When we do go to the hangar, most things can be hauled in “Wooly Pully” or “Dumbo”. So, down the road it went.

It was sold to a roofer who came all the way down from Fresno to claim it. He saw it posted on “Craig’s List” and the price was right (we actually sold it for what we paid for it 6 years ago). His wiring harness was a bit corroded so it took a while to troubleshoot the thing and get the lights working. After calling in ace mechanic, Rudy Payne, he was up and running down the road with the big beautiful trailer behind him.  

As we shut down on Sunday evening, there we two really, really, really tired old people ready to call it a day and hit the hay. After a week of setting up and three very long days of selling, we could hardly move; we were exhausted to the max. But, we were there to sell and sell we did and soldiered through without retreating. In fact, you could say that we up and plumb sold our assets off.

Will there be a sale next year? Yeah....I'm pretty sure that there will be another big event next year. Will Connie and Randy bust their fannies again and take six months to recover? Probably not. It is likely we will be coordinators and cooks. But, I doubt (at least for now) that we'll purposely expend three month's energy in three weeks again. 

Chickenin' Report: no mas pollos. That's Spanish for "no more chickens". Since we only had five cluckers, we decided that it just wasn't worth having to deal with chicken sitting and such. Friend and neighbor, Gary Ocsenas, offered to chicken sit but we decided to just give the chickens to another friend and neighbor, Leann Chapman (a long-time friend and long-time yard sale'er).  She had been wanting to take the plunge of being a "cluckster" for awhile so we jump started the matter for her. They'll have  good home and we'll have a good vacation.

Connie the Egg Lady has a five gallon bucket of stored eggs so we won't suffer much (for now) from "free range egg withdrawal". Hopefully, by the time our egg supply runs out, we'll have a few more layers on hand. Once you have incredibly delicious free range eggs you are spoiled beyond redemption and for life.

The rented Mitzubishi "Outlander" SUV is pretty much loaded and ready to help us on our vacation venture. After church tomorrow, it'll be pointed north on Highway 99 on cruise control right at the speed limit ("legal beagle" here. No ticket in more than 30 years). We decided to rent a car instead of putting the "Coop de Ville" through a grueling 2,500 mile trial. Though our faithful van runs like a top, she just clocked over the 200K mile mark. Renting the SUV seemed to be the reasonable alternative to stressing our hoopie.

I'm already in love with it! It's as wide as the van and has all the new fangled gadgets and equipment that modern cars allow including, and especially, the touch screen on the dash! When I backed up to the door so we could load the big black beauty, a rear camera showed the area on the dashboard screen! Zowie! It should live up to the expected MPG ratings, too. The van gets 22 MPG on the highway and this one gets at least 5 MPG better. Works for me!
It rides like a cloud and steers like a dream. Is it time to trade in the old '06 Coop de Ville? What a tempting thought!

There you have it: another episode of what's happening at Rancho Relaxo, home of Rancho Ran, the world's foremost authority (the previous one died) and Connie the Canner (world's greatest side-cook): where the air smells like freshly baked zucchini bread: where things can get...interesting and where...you just never know.

Rancho Preparación

 This is Abbie after learning that her highness won't be going with us on our vacation in November. She came to later.

This is Spats Domino, the rude rooster with a 'tude. The little bantam acts like he's nine times as tall as he is. I love his effrontery and grit. He won't back down from anybody and protects his little black hen with all fierceness.  Isn't he a handsome little guy? That's probably why he crows a lot.

Oh, deer! This young buck sneaked into the back yard for reasons unknown to me. But, my guess is that my apple tree is missing a few apples.  Abbie was going wild but was tethered so couldn't do the huntin' dawg part. I always check on her when I hear her all jacked up and this was what I found. It wasn't scared of Abbie at all. He left for awhile but came back, hung around for a bit, then trotted off to the                                                                      neighbor's place to the east.

It’s October! Doesn’t that just make your double bass reflex sub-woofer resonate? Only 83 days until Christmas! *SIGH*

Rancho Relaxo Report: we’re still flying low here at the rancho: lots to do and we seem to always be short on time and shorthanded. Not that I wish that I had an extra couple of appendages hanging about my aged airframe. But, it would be nice if I had a some grand-kiddies on the property to who some of the “mule work” could be delegated. 

We do have, after all, about 15 able-bodied grand-youngin’s as I recall. My personal beasts of burden seem to be getting smaller as I age. They’ve gone from an ox, to a mule, to the colt of a small ass (I'm hopin' he's one of the smart ones). Reckon I’ll soon be down to a pack rat. Show me the kiddies!

Chickenin’ Report: our five birdy buddies are doing well. We get just enough eggs to keep the ranch hands satisfied but that’s about all. Connie stores the few extras in a process called “water glassing” which uses quick lime and water in five gallon bucket. It stores the eggs for up to a year (that’s no joke or boast). In any event, there are always enough cackle fruit to have a really nice big breakfast now and again.

At dusk, three of the silly birds have picked up a habit of parking on the portable chicken cage that’s being overhauled. It’s near the coop and next to some bales of hay. That means that we-know-who has to go collect them and put them in the coop when it’s dark.

It’s easy enough to cart them off but there is the fact of having to take time to fool with them. Besides, I’m getting much better at my “Chickenese” so I don’t scare them when I come for them (but, I’m sure they can still detect an accent). They sit still and let me capture them without a fuss. They must know that I’m the ruler of the roost.

Gimme some skin…..pig skin that is! If we’re going to talk about eggs for breakfast, lets include some pork! Somewhat recently, the Ol’ Rancher stumbled into a recipe for “Buckboard Bacon” and had to copy it down. How could you not be tempted by that!

The guy in the video started with a pork shoulder. He cured it, smoked it, then sliced and cooked it. By the time I got to the end of the recipe, I was on my way to the freezer to grab one of our pork shoulders!

First, you have to trim the fat off. This means that you have this gorgeous large piece of fat that is just begging to be rendered into “chicharrones” and cooking lard! These are nothing like the store-bought snack. They are far superior and they’re fresh and hot! And, few things compare to “taters” fried in homemade lard!

They render in only about three hours (in the oven) so I was quite ready to enjoy those tasty, fresh, salted, chunks! Oh, man! Talk about good stuff! I had to sneak into them mucho slowly since they are rather calorie laden. I roughly calculated that there are 3,378.6758 calories per mouthful. There are no plans to do this on a regular basis. But, boy, howdy! What a delicious crunchy and melt-in-your-mouth treat to enjoy once in a while!

Side note: I used to could eat anything and everything all day long (and did!) and could not gain weight. For a while, there was a time I couldn’t wait to reach the wonderful goal of 185 pounds. Given that I weighed in at 163 pounds for my physical at the military induction center in Fresno (1Y – women and children first….actually, in case of a national emergency only but I still felt rejected), I reckon I hoped to feel like a real man when I hit that number.

Guess what? I still have that same goal! However, things have changed and the goal is to get back down to that weight! It’s getting much harder, though! My BMR and has swung another direction! It’s almost like it isn’t working! We drove by a “Home Town Buffet” the other day and my scales at home flinched! *SIGH*.

Moving along…..the next step is to de-bone the meat then rub it down with a mixture of salt and “Prague Salt” (which is salt that contains 6.25% sodium nitrite which is used in curing meats). Then, you shove it into a large zip-loc bag and toss it into the fridge. Daily, for ten days, you take out the bag and massage the salt into the pork (through the bag).

At the end of that time, you fire up the smoker and configure it however you desire. I used mesquite wood chips and mesquite charcoal and am glad I did but will experiment next time. After smoking it for several hours, you can then store it or slice and store it. I simply returned it to the fridge and waited until morning to try more than a nibble.

The next day, it was breakfast time (brunch, actually)! I hacked some off some thick slices and cooked them in my new 10” heavy-bottom stainless steel professional sauté pan (7 bucks at a yard sale! Zowie!). For the hash browns, the 12” “Wolfgang Puck” heavy-bottom stainless steel fry pan was fired up (ten bucks at a yard sale! Ziggity!). For eggs (lookin’ at’cha), a smaller 8” non-stick “Rachel Ray” fry pan is used (a birthday gift for Connie via Amazon). Add toast and dig in!

It was love at first bite! Unsurprisingly, the “bacon” had the taste and texture of wonderfully-smoked ham and was just plain great! I’m now one of its biggest fans! Buckboard bacon.....Smokin’!

Speaking of food….can you spell, “Kimchee”? When you have as much time on your hands like I do, you just have to reach out and put some of it to good use once in a while. One particular Monday, we found ourselves awash in veggies so Ol’ Ran decided to do just that and made them meal worthy. 

Since there was a ton of (free) Napa cabbage on hand along with a huge (free) daikon radish and bunches of (free) carrots available, he couldn’t think of a good reason not to brew up some (free) kimchee in his newly acquired earthen ware crock (another yard sale treasure at three bucks!). It didn’t take long at all: just a few chops of the cabbage and carrots with the like-new Ginsu Gourmet Chikara Series whacker knife (one dollar at a….yard sale and 16.99 on Amazon) and a bit of shredding the radish with a ceramic peeler (a gift from a friend who thought it was super and it is) and, bingo! We have fresh kimchee makings. I don't mean to sound like a heap o' cheap but "free" is my friend! 

Any good Korean will then fill up the crock with a saline solution, ginger, and lots of red pepper flakes. I must be a bad Korean since I didn’t use pepper flakes this time but will add them as I go (Connie isn’t into heat: says she has a “pansy mouth”).

Ten days later, we had our version of kimchee. It’s not bad for free stuff! There’s another recipe that will be implemented next time around. It has other ingredients in it I like (e.g. fish sauce, scallions, and oyster sauce). I’ll probably heat this one up.

Fuzzer Report: the other day, later in the afternoon and prior to dusk, as I was on the patio readying some stuff for the yard sale, the temperature started to cool down somewhat. That probably triggered some sort of instinct with our local fuzzer population because they were on the move.

That said, a very brave ground squirrel was noticed as he mindlessly wended his way alongside the barn (not the  first fuzzer to suffer the consequence for this exact mindless maneuver). Ol’ Dull Eye Ran slipped in the back door and grabbed the patiently waiting .22 caliber “fuzzer buster” and got down to business.

Using the patio railing as a rest, Ol’ DE sighted in the varmint and squeezed off a 5 cent hollow point warrior. After a satisfying “CRACK” from my lead slinging contraption, the fuzzy plunderer lay still.

Thinking that there may be other potential hole diggers and garden thieves scampering about, I slowly headed out toward the pole barn. Yep….another fuzzer was spotted as he slinked around the back of the barn. That left me with a shoulder shot but I missed even though he was close enough to kill with a rock. 

Not to be dissuaded by my perceived lack of proficiency, the original stalking strategy was renewed. Approaching the rear of the pole barn, and as I stood with amazement, there was the escaped varmint sneaking around the backside! This time I had the rail of the pole barn on which to lean and take aim at a target that was only 40 feet away! One quick “BAM!” and it was “game over”.

Much to my surprise, yet another squirrel rounded the compost pile about 30 yards beyond the pole barn. Still leaning on the rail, a second rifle report insured a third squirrel funeral.

It must have been just the right temperature for the entire crew of foragers to come out. As soon as I got back to the patio, a casual glance toward the pole barn revealed yet another brown rodent parked at the rear! Since he was stupid enough to sit still while I took careful aim, I reckoned that I was obligated to take him out. A fourth transonic Pb projectile found its mark (note: supersonic begins beyond 1.2 Mach. A .22 LR projectile travels at roughly 1.12 Mach).

Immediately, I remembered that I had sighted in my rifle at about 100 yards which was right at where the last varmint was scored. That explained why, though the second squirrel was sighted “dead center” and close enough to examine his earwax with the scope, I shot low and missed the bugger. Silly me. It’s been awhile but I recall shooting “one shot, one kill” (more than once) at 150 yards (which is at the back of the orange trees at the north edge of the rancho).

So, that made four dead fuzzers and that was a record for one day’s hunting. We invited the local carrion eaters over for a buffet. They didn’t hesitate.

We’ve been preparing for the huge yard sale during the “Springville Apple Festival”, Oct. 19^th – 21st . That calls for an almost incomprehensible amount of work to be completed in less than three weeks. There is just so much stuff that has to be cleaned, sorted, priced, and stored that it is even funny. It’s almost overwhelming and that doesn’t even include the yard work to prepare for the hordes. Some of the goodies are already prepped and stored at our hangar and some are stored in the barn and inside “Heffalump”, the big trailer.

You should have seen the Ol’ Rancher the other day. There was all kinds of stuff being hauled out of the barn, placed on a large table, cleaned, and priced. After a few hours of sorting and pricing and hosing stuff down with water and/or gasoline in the heat, Rancho Ran was a sweaty tired mess; time to call it a day.

My alter ego was uncomfortable with having so many dirty sweaty clothes on and was getting fussy. Captain Underpants is like that some days but mostly during the hot weather when it feels like his garments have been applied with a hot glue gun. The selfie Murphy just won’t work for him.

After suffering much of his whining, I felt compelled to give in and let him get comfortable. He has always been a very persuasive fellow so I don’t win many arguments. After a nice long shower, it was time to work on computer stuff and such upstairs in the salt mine…and in much comfort (is not having a style a style?).

There you have it: another episode of what's happening at Rancho Relaxo, home of Rancho Ran, the world's foremost authority (the previous one died) and Connie the Canner (world's greatest side-cook): where the air smells like a giant hot bowl of soup: where things can get...interesting and where...you just never know.

Rancho Progresso

Here's our new bantam rooster escorting one of the two remaining Rhode Island Reds to make sure that the Gypsies don't bother her. He is such a cute little guy! There's no name for him yet but I'm leaning towards "Pretty Boy" or "Strutivarius". You should hear his midget crowing! What a hoot!

Abbie after learning that Her Naughtiness wasn't going to be invited to the BBQ feast. Her countenance changed and she regained her ebullient demeanor after we fed her some cooked fat and trimmings from the mouth-watering, delicious, well-charred-but-not-overcooked New York Strip steak (y’all hungry yet?).

Just eat it (thank you, Michael Jackson)!This was our first time to knock over a "P. F. Chang's" and we did enjoy it especially since it was with the family. The food was good and the service was excellent. We had the pad Thai noodles, broccoli beef, shrimp friend rice, and the chicken lettuce wrap (apparently a national favorite!). These were all ordered and then we served up family style. I texted Jeff and Sandra Minnick in Abilene to advise where we were. Sandra emphasized the lettuce wrap and Trixie was already on it! Couldn't miss!

This is Connie's daughter, Trixie, and her granddaughter, Liesl (think, "Sound of Music"), who is toting her baby brother, Becker, in a reverse papoose packer. This is at "Windsor Park" just off of west Stockdale Highway and not far from the "River Walk" shopping center in west Bakersfield. It's right after having lunch at P. F. Chang's. I've not seen       any other park that was as nice and                                                                          well developed with covered tables,                                                                          beautiful restrooms, and playground                                                                        equipment as this one.

The grand-fam....this is Trixie (far left), her six youngin's, and Connie the Canner (center). We're at "Windsor Park" in Bakersfield. What a nice time we had!

This is one of our new additions to the work force around here. Connie the Canner got it for me for "Father's Day". It's a 14 gallon "Shop Vac" SVX2. We're talkin' about a 6.5 hp motor and a 170 cfm airflow that can pull a newly born elephant away from its momma! Yessiree, folks.....this baby really sucks!

We've got grapes! Here are a couple of bunches of grapes from the vines along the front yard. It's kinda nice when the birds or thieves don't get them first, eh?

It’s September! Doesn’t that just put a dent in your Datsun?! That’s 75% of the year gone and only 140% more things to get done before the next year gets here! *SIGH*.

Rancho Report: Well, progress is being made here at the ranch as we orbit around the G2 main sequence star we call the “Sun” (but only after huntin’ me up a good cup of coffee, that is).

The grandkiddies from Harbor City/Torrence came up for a visit. We met them in Bakersfield at P. F. Chang’s. Lots to talk about here so let’s start with lunch!

P. F. Chang’s is a high end Chinese Restaurant and it’s the first time Connie and I have been there (and we're the last to know that it existed). I get the picture that they have been around awhile so it’s old news to everyone else.

The decor is grand and they even sport a 20 high statue of a horse out front. You can’t miss the place. The service was grand and the food was quite good. It was a real treat, to be sure.

After lunch, we drove about a mile to a neighborhood park so the kids could romp a bit and the adults could get some overdue jawing done. The temperature was in the mid ‘90’s but, with the shaded tables, it was quite bearable.

After lots of snacks, pictures, and hugs all around, we all had to depart. They had to get back their routine and we had to make a band practice in Terra Bella by 5PM. It was a very very nice time.

Believe it or not, we’re in high gear (8th over…for all you truckers out there) getting ready for the big (think “huge”) yard sale during the third weekend in October. I kid thee negative; this may well be the largest sale so far. That’s pretty amazing given that the one four years ago was astounding (http://elranchorelaxodetortuga.blogspot.com/2014/12/rancho-travello.html)! It paid for our trip to Washington, from there to Abilene and San Antonio, Texas, and then back home! And, that was while hauling our trailer, Dumbo!

The problem is that it will also be the most labor intensive which is why we’re trying to get an early start on the matter (we actually got started not long after the previous one ended). Even then, just getting the stuff out into the front yard will require some superhuman effort (not too many super-humans loitering around our place that I can tell). UGH. While there may be a ton of goods to sell, there may only be a half-ton of labor to go around.

Usually, we personally have 8 to 10 tables set up. This time, if we can find them, there may be 20 tables just for our stuff! Then, you have to unpack, unload, and set all of it up within a few days prior. Most stuff will already be priced so that will help (which is why we mustn’t slow down at this point).

A lot of our goods are parked at our hangar in Porterville (it’s the one that houses two airplanes and neither one of them are mine. Time for another *SIGH*). Those are the things that have been priced and we’re adding to that stack as we can get to it.

And, we need boxes….lots and lots of boxes. Connie the Boxer (the lady wears many hats) is high-jacking them at every turn and in every corner, nook, and cranny between here and Hollywood! There just aren’t enough of them! She’s determined to accomplish the mission and is as focused as a frog at a fly farm.

My lightning-fast mind just had to create a new song that I was sure that I could share with Jimi Hendrix (if’n he were still alive, that is), "Boxy Lady” (sound of Hendrix riffing in the background)! Of course, when my mind slowed to sub-sonic speeds, I realized that this idea probably wouldn’t fly any higher than an opera singer with 36” plastic angel wings (toi, toi, toi!).

To make matters more….interesting…., not long ago (when lots of things around here happen) and on our way back from Visalia, we stopped at a yard sale to see what we could see. The guy that was runnin’ the place advised that he had first held the yard sale about a month prior and that not much had gone down the road. As we picked out stuff that we wanted and inquired of the price, he said, “Aw, you can have it”. Then he almost immediately stated, “Just take all of it if you want it”. Guess what? We wanted it!

We loaded up the back of the van to the gunnels (and wishing it was a new Ford “King Ranch” F250, six speed, “Power Stroke” diesel powered, pick up with the 32,000 pound tow package so we could haul off anything and everything at any time) and thanked him mightily (once he gets to know us better, we’ll go back and hug his neck)! After querying him about when we could return with our trailer, he advised that it may take a week or so since he was busy the next week.

We stopped in about ten days or so later and hauled off another fat load with the van. In a few more days, the trailer will be used to haul the larger stuff and finish the deal. Freebies are our friend!

That being said, it doesn’t take a math teacher to figure out that we have to sort, clean, and price a lot of stuff in the next few weeks. That may not sound like a chore but we haven’t yet tackled the barn to see what we can glean for the yard sale (and make room for it to actually be used for more than storage)! There’s so much stuff in there I may have to rent a dump truck to help. The best that I can tell, I’m thinking is that it may take until Christmas of 2020 to clean out the barn. Not yet sure how we’re going to amp up the action around here so that we can assure that the barn stuff gets mixed in with the yard sale stuff. Don’t’ touch that dial.

A cool Idea: not long ago, Connie was unhappy over the attic access hole in the garage. She figured that it was allowing vermin to come in and raid our rice (or whatever, dude). I agreed and promptly slapped a 24” x 34” slab of “3/8” plywood over it. Four deck screws later, it’s a done deal. I was her hero (Aw, shucks, ma’am. Twern’t nothin’).

That’s not the end of the story. Not all that long later, she is still figuring (something she does a lot of around here). It appeared to her that we needed to cool down the garage because we have some canned goods stored out there. And, if you keep the temperature cooler, your stored goods last longer. The Ol’ Rancher certainly concurred with her assessment but he also knew that there was a project being brewed up in her head.

Enhancing the garage with a separate cooling system was not part of the thinking so that was out. It wouldn’t have been all that expensive to just park a big evaporative cooler in the far window and let her rip. But, we’re dealing with yard saler’ers here and yard sale’ers are a bit frugal (maybe even two bits frugal). What to do?

After pondering the matter rather extensively, the solution seemed to be to simply open up the garage door and draft the existing air from Ol’ Swampy into the garage. Oh, wait; how are we going to exhaust the air given that the attic access is battened down? We can’t just open the far window because it presents a security risk. "What to do (times two)"? Simple: we just cut a large rectangle in the board of the new attic access cover and cover the hole with a screen to keep creepy crawly things out!

We’re still not at the end of the story yet (things around here always tend to get interesting, don’tcha know). Hmmmm; what about the fact that we don’t have anything between the garage and the house when we open the door? We could just hear the pitty-patter of witto bitty mousey feet tromping through our kitchen.  Oh…that (sound of fast and furious pondering). Connie, who runs a mouse-less house, quickly came to the rescue.

The solution was to install a security screen door between the house and the garage. How simple is that?! Within a short time after Connie doing her homework to get the best deal, we headed to “Lowe’s”, grabbed our screen door, and hauled it home in Wooly Pulley. We also picked up a simple bathroom door handle (so we couldn’t lock ourselves out of the house….we’re dealing with old people here) and installed it.

Still figuring, she realized that the metal mesh on the screen door wouldn’t keep out the tiny flying bugs that seem to always show up without an invitation. I don’t recall seeing any smoke or hearing any gears grinding but I do know that she was a mile deep in figuring out how to resolve this issue.

Now, I want you to realize how sharp this lady is. When the bulb lit up, she said, “Why can’t we just put a regular window screen over the exposed area?”. Within no time, she cut a large chunk of screen, spray painted it white to match the door, and secured it (quite nicely, I might add) to the frame; the door was ready to install. It was my turn now.

The entire matter was actually rather straightforward. All that was necessary was to align the door, drill some pilot holes, screw it to the door jamb, and screw on the door sweep. Simple, eh? Not at Rancho Relaxo, it isn’t. Mounting the door proved to be a piece of pie (thank you, Elya Baskin as Maxim Brajlovsky – “2010” in ’84). But, there was a catch. 

After mounting the door, it became obvious that there would be gaps large enough for bugs to crawl through down at the threshold (but we decided not to use thresh this time). The Ol’ Rancher had to grab a 2” x 2” x 38" board and custom make an auxiliary threshold. With a little help from a miter saw, a chisel, my table saw, a few deck screws, and some caulking, the garage-side threshold was secured and the entry was creepy crawly critter proof. The garage is now as cool as the house and without any additional energy usage! Amazing!

Gardening Report: oh, deer! Recently, the Ol’ Rancher went to water his garden boxes and notices that far too many leaves on his tomato plants were missing. Half the plants were skeletal. This isn't a good thing. The first thought was that one of our local deer had found a new place to snack during the evening hours. But, when he saw a huge, fat, green caterpillar crawling on the plant, he was forced to reassess the matter.

In only a few minutes, a half dozen of the invaders were plucked from the plants. They were the notorious “tomato hornworm” caterpillar. We’re taking steps to eradicate and prevent another infestation. But, it looks like it may be too late for this season's plants to produce much after being eaten for breakfast…and lunch….and dinner (third *SIGH*).

Chickenin’ Report: Our peevish Polish peckster, Cluck Norris, is gone on down the road. There was concern that he just wouldn’t tolerate strangers or even Connie. So, we boxed him up and found a new home for him. His new home has lots of free ranging room and he’ll be happen chasing down whatever hens are in his domain.

The remaining four birds are doing well and three of the hens are doing their part to keep us supplied with huevos. We’re still pondering when and how we will re-start the chickenin’ program. Stay tuned for that.

There you have it: another episode of what's happening at Rancho Relaxo, home of Rancho Ran, the world's foremost authority (the previous one died) and Connie the Canner (world's greatest side-cook): where the air smells like a giant hot loaf of bread (when there aren't any dead chickens lying around): where things can get...interesting, and where...you just never know.

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