Feliz Año Nuevo 2024

 

Greetings and welcome to the "Rancho Relaxo" blog for January 2024. The Ol' Rooster and Ol' Hen just wanted to share what's happening at our humble rancho nestled in the ever-so-slightly- green-tinged foothills of the Sierra Nevada Mountains. The weather phenomenon known as “El Stupido” is wreaking havoc on some parts of the country and wrecking other places with its intensity. Around here, there isn’t any wreaking and wrecking happening other than the raining on our hope for having an actual winter season. Weird, eh?  

Nevertheless, a great expectation of wetness has been forecast (though not without a lot of hedging and foot shuffling from the clueless weatherman). Like last month, the few drops of “mad rain” we’ve had so far are disappointing but are still enough to be encouraging. No “Tule fog” so far this year but we're not even holding our breath on that one. Being able to see what's happening on the other side of your front yard is a good thing. 

Click on pictures to enlarge

On December 31, Connie was disassembling the tree and this is what I saw when I walked into the living room. "Hey! Great idea!", says I. Not being able to read my mind, she was a tad confused. "That's brilliant! You took off most of the lower branches to make room for more presents! I love it!". Perhaps you've seen a woman's non-descript face where you can't tell if she's going to dope-slap you into next Thursday, laugh at you, or sell your dumb carcass to the Gypsies (or all of the above). I couldn't tell but the evening ended well and I was still without pain and she (weakly) conceded that it wasn't a terrible idea.

The little egg at the top of the basket was, at first, thought to be a "practice egg" from one of the pullets. Finally, it was realized that it is actually an egg from one of our two Bantam hens. We'll use them for when we only make half a recipe. 

This little cutie is one of our pullets. I haven't named her yet but "Snowy" may work.

This is "Big Bertha" the freeze dryer. Its compressor failed which necessitated a trip back to the factory for an overhaul. Life in the big city, eh? It's on a pallet getting ready to be covered then strapped down. It was shipped out a couple of days after this. It's right in the middle of the holiday season so it'll likely take a few days longer than the three weeks they estimated that it would take to get it back to us. We miss this big baby. They just sent notification that it was being shipped home so it'll be here in a few days.

Tip of the day: 

Marry someone who has a different favorite cereal than you so they won't eat all of yours - Anon.

 

 And now, a word from our sponsor:

 This issue of Rancho Relaxo is brought to you by "Tiny Tina’s Tawdry Tilly Tudders”. Now, these are the best Tawdry Tilly Tudders that money can buy! You cannot...I say...you cannot get a better Tawdry Tilly Tudder anywhere! And, folks, they're made right here in the good ol’ US of A. You can get your bountiful supply of "Tiny Tina’s Tawdry Tilly Tudders” at the Wal-Mart, KMART, Speedy Mart, Rapid Mart, Quick Mart, and all those marts where those guys have them towels wrapped around their heads. Tell'em the Ol' Rancher sent you. You'll be glad you did!

Well....it’s….it’s…January 2024!! How did that happen so quickly?!! Just when we are getting ready to commence to start (thank you Jethro Bodine) assimilating the impact of 2023, 2024 shows up! Doesn’t that just make you want to rejoice and blow your sackbut? In 1958, it took two years to complete a year. I'm not making this up. I was there and remember it well. It took forever for a year to lapse and get out of the way so another new one could take its place. Today, for a year to lapse, all you do is celebrate the New Year, do the Hokie Pokie and turn yourself about. Just like that; you are facing a new year!! Something is wrong...very wrong...with this picture. Moving along...

Covered up or Laying on layers: Since January is here, Connie the Canner is getting her "winter clothes" in order. So far it looks like she can insulate Alaska. She's prepared for whatever nature throws her way. Her (outdoors) comfort zone is around 78-80 degrees while the Ol' Rancher's is about 50-55 degrees. Anything lower than that, he needs a long sleeve shirt. Jackets are reserved for the 40's. It's easy to say that there just won't be any shivering happening on her watch. 

Feasting is the reasoning for the seasoning: There are a lot of things that Ol' Ran can live without. But, oxygen and Mexican food aren't among them. The other day (when lots of things happen around here), a friend of ours gave us a half dozen homemade tamales (bless his little Mexican heart). That kick-started Ol' Ran's heavy duty saliva glands and a feast was planned. It was the perfect time to launch one's saliva production since Christmas was upon us. 

To do a fiesta up right, there are some "must have" ingredients. One is tortillas. Just like Okies simply can't eat without bread (or BISCUITS! Just ask Little Jimmy Dickens!), it just isn't a fiesta without tortillas. Guess what? Ol' Ran (son of a California-improved Okie) keeps a large stack of tortillas in the fridge for just such a time as this! They are seriously handy to have around and make for  scrumptious eating for hungry family members. 

Now, home made tortillas are the best way to go. If you can accommodate the manufacturing of them in your kitchen, they are to die for. They melt in your mouth and are wonderful! Second best is to get them fresh (still warm!) at a local Mexican deli. If you can do that, do so without hesitation! You won't regret it! The last time I bought fresh warm tortillas, only half of them made it home alive. 

The other main ingredient is refried beans (you know. The musical fruit). Eating Mexican food without refried beans (with very few exceptions) is tantamount to eating a ribeye steak without fries or a baked potato! God forbid! Guess what, again? The Ol' Rancher keeps several cans of "frijole refritos" in his pantry! Boy, howdy! Being a "prepper" comes in handy!

And, if you are in a good mood and want to add a little class to the act, make your own refried beans! Oh, let me tell you, neighbor! That's the sure way to crack open some culinary delight! There are as many recipes for refried beans as there are abuelas. Just make one or all of them! You can't go wrong! 

One of the Ol' Rancher's favorite methods is the one where you use a little bit of bacon grease or lard (to taste) and just enough salt to pick things up. Hooooo, doggies! That there is some good eatin'! Another favorite is to head to the Mexican deli and grab a half-pound of chicharones. To hit this recipe out of the ballpark, don't use the pre-packaged "cracklins"  or "botaneros". Those are good and they'll work just fine. Instead, if you want a powerful-good treat, get the deep fried pork belly type that has meat on it. It's expensive (8-10 dollars per lb) but you'll likely only need a quarter pound. The good news is that you get to eat the rest of them out of the sack and they are DEE-licious (this is such a great recipe, eh?)! 

Then, whack it up and add it to your home made frijoles (crock pot or pressure cooker). First, mash up the beans as much or as little as you'd like (some folks like smoother beans while others prefer lumpy ones).You can used canned if you're in a hurry but it just isn't the same.  Then, add the chicharon and mix well. You can add a little onion, proprietary spicing or what all, and even splash in some "heat", if you'd like. Make sure that they are served up nice and hot.

The tamales were nuked in the microwave until hot then added to the feast. Man, oh, man! Did we "git down" on the grub! 

Chinese Chow or Oodles of Noodles: Speaking of holiday feasting, New Years eve was on Sunday so Marvin and Jean Statler, who attend our church, offered to take us out for a Chinese buffet lunch. Well, I have  a simple policy which is, when someone throws food your way, don’t duck. So, we headed on over to the “L&D Chinese Buffet” on West Henderson there in Porterville.

The place was busy as can be but there was plenty of chow for the ol' chow hound. So, it didn't take long to have a fully-loaded plate that (maybe) only had room for one more crispy fried noodle. Most of the pile consisted of the wonderfully hot fresh-out-of-the-deep-fryer breaded shrimp. I probably shouldn't brag but I hurt the shrimp population that day. Reckon that was done just to make sure that I don’t fall victim to anorexia (a fella can’t be too cautious, don’tcha know).

 To make a long story longer, we finished our feast, headed home, and took a nice nap! Naps are our friends. That's the way to do Sunday! 

Fuzz Doggie Daddy: Most of y'all know that we have two doggies: Princess Abbie, who is the “I wonder what she’s doing now” dog who is smart as a whip and as handsome a little lassie as can be. She's a bit stubborn and leans on her own understanding a lot more than we prefer. OK. She's a bit mule-headed but still as sweet as over-ripe peaches. And, she can tree and fiercely bawl mouth a coon with the best of the Blueticks. What's not to love? 

Then, we have Fuzzy, the obstreperous and wandering-not-so-wonder dog. Despite his pristine pedigree, his demeanor proves that he is still a plebeian pooch without polish. He's a carefree Labra-Doodle who was born to wander...and chew...and destroy...and chew again...and tear apart...and...and. *SIGH*. As you may remember, he wandered off next door and banged the neighbor's bulldog and became a father at a rather young age.  He's a barely a year-and-a-half old and is already a real neighborhood celebrity. 

He also has no aversion to hauling off the waders that his owner sometimes forgets to stow after using them. So, there's no detective work needed to figure out why one of the boots is missing when it's time to feed the chickens or who swiped it. All it takes is a quick trip around the house to see where Fuzz Ball, the sneak thief, has hauled it off to. 

His creative thinking became an issue the other day when he wandered a bit too far. My neighbors reported that he, Abbie, Bella, the bulldog, and Pedro, Bella's little compadre, crossed the "big road" (CA-190. which is about 100' from our front door). That won't work! Bella was killed and only God knows why any of the others weren't. Some years ago, the neighbor across the street (now moved away) lost three of her dogs to "the road". 

That prompted Ol' Ran to immediately make the executive decision to curtail his curiosity by shackling him with the electric perimeter fence collar. The collar keeps him close to the house but allows him the freedom to run and play and get plenty of exercise (just ask Abbie who daily romps with him).

The good news is that he isn't like Missy, the Husky. I loved her but she was just an over-the-top, full-throttle, sled dog with no sled to pull. It was 0-to-60 in a blink with her. She was a highly intelligent pup that has an uncanny talent for "problem solving" (as in, escaping from any tether, rope, chain, or straight jacket). Missy also had a perennial lust for chicken dinners that never seemed to be sated. She took down 50% of our chicken population so we needed to let her go. She now has a nice home in Posey which is up in the foothills about 22 miles (as the crow flies) south of here. 

Wier haben kartoffelpuffer Or Show me the taters: I must confess that I'm "meat and potatoes" guy. Spuds are my friends and I go out of my way to regularly invite them for dinner. Mashed, nuked, boiled, roasted over an open fire (really good stuff), cooked in the upper deck of the BBQ grill (muy beuno!), French-fried, hash browns, potato chips, hassleback, baked, twice-baked, in soups and stews, scalloped, or au gratin: they are all close to my starch-lovin' heart.

If they are French-fried, the need to be fresh out of the deep fryer (or "off the broiler" if you order from "Burger King". You know: "Have it your way!"). They need to be "rip-your-lips-off" hot. Not that I can even explain that phenomenon. It just is what it is. I love hot food.  

Anyway, when I stumbled into a recipe for "kartoffelpuffer", I had to try it. In some recipes, they are called potato pancakes and in others, they are very similar to the Polish "latkes". In any case, they are all wildly delicious! The street vendors in Berlin usually make the pancake style which is loaded with onions and uses a thinner type of batter. They're cooked on a large griddle along with the egg pancakes. 

As you might guess, there are as many recipes for "kartoffelpuffer" as there are Grossmutters. Thankfully, it couldn't be any easier. I like to cook both the pancake style and the latke style. That means that the leftover mashed potatoes can be used for potato pancakes. If the taste changes, the box grater is whipped out and grated taters are used. Grab your favorite search engine and punch in potato pancakes or "kartoffelpuffer". You'll fall in love with them! 

Well....there you have it: another short episode of the long happenings at Rancho Relaxo (aka “Dos Acres”): home of Rancho Ran, the world's least-most greatest authority: home of the Yo-Yo  twins and home of a retarded duck: home of Connie the Canner, the world's greatest side-kook and CEE (Chief of Everything Else): where the air smells and where alliteration reigns supreme: where being modern is optional and where there are no slaves to fashion: where the eggs are always mostly fresh: where things can get...interesting: where it's all news to me and where...you just never know.

 

 

BONO DICIEMBRE

 

Greetings and welcome to the "Rancho Relaxo" blog for December. Would you believe that there are still a lot of things going on around here? So, the Ol' Rooster and Ol' Hen just wanted to share what's happening at our humble rancho nestled in the dying-to-be-green foothills of the Sierra Nevada Mountains. "California Gold" is supposed to behind us because we're entering our rainy season but we're still waiting for the change of color. Nevertheless, a great expectation of wetness from the “El Niño” has been forecast. The few drops of “mad rain” we’ve had so far are disappointing but still encouraging.

Our first part of winter seems to be a wonderful extension of fall. That has been a true bonus because it keeps the heating bills at a minimum. But, we’re ready for the seasonal changes (did I mention how we need the rain to start?). We've only needed to wear a light jacket so far because the daily high temps have been comfortably cool. And, we were blindsided by the 77 degree high we just experienced! It was dang near an "Indian Summer". I've                                                           experienced one of those and it was weird! 

Anyway, thanks for dropping in at the Rancho Relaxo global headquarters where we are…moving along.

Note: click on the pics to enlarge.

Wanna see my antenna? This is the big base-loaded mag-mount "trucker's" type CB antenna that is used for the 10 meter Ham/Amateur radio band. It's tuned with an MFJ-949E antenna tuner and has a 1:1 SWR reading. The other day (when lots of things happen around here), I was talking to Hawaii, Texas, and other points around the country on a little Radio Shack HTX-100 monoband transceiver. It puts out about 18 watts. Many years ago, and while driving to Texas, I was talking to Europe from Arizona on that little guy and this antenna. Fun stuff! 

Oh, deer! This is a fairly common sight around these parts. It's also not all that uncommon to see a doe with the fawn and it's (sadly) not all that uncommon to see one alongside the road. We had already had lunch (and our freezer is full) so we let this one pass without hindrance. 

Here's the "mad rain" that's referred to from time to time. There's enough rain to make mud but not enough to rinse it off. UGH! 

"It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas....". Yep. Connie the Canner and Christmas Cooker unpacked the Nativity set and enlisted my help for wiring and any "gorilla work". It's set on a timer so it doesn't run all night. 

For all you ex-pats out there, he's a shot looking west from the bridge on Lower Globe Drive. It won't take long to notice that it isn't at all the same as before. It's like looking at a completely different river. It's cleared out and much wider. I hope to have a fishing report before long (uhhhh.....but don't hold your breath). 

Here's our proud and cocky-but-handsome bantam rooster. It's hard not to love this little guy. Now that he's all nice and grown up, it's time to find him a nice new home. Most likely, we'll ship out the two bantam hens, too. They sure are cute but not all that useful so they'll need to go. 

;

Nothing really to see here. It’s just that I’m so dad-blamed happy to walk past these two handy gadgets and not see their guts hanging out all over the floor. The Maytag dryer has been overhauled twice (it had lots of guts) and the Samsung washer is new. Ye old Maytag was a piece of junk that I no longer wanted to mess with. It wasn’t worth salvaging. Now, that’s a piece of junk when it isn’t worth the Ol’ Rancher’s attention and wrenches!

A word from our sponsor:

 

This issue of Rancho Relaxo is brought to you by "Tiny Tina’s Tawdry Tilly Tudders”. Now, these are the best Tawdry Tilly Tudders that money can buy! You cannot...I say...you cannot get a better Tawdry Tilly Tudder anywhere! And, they're made right here in the good ol’ US of A. You can get your bountiful supply of "Tiny Tina’s Tawdry Tilly Tudders” at the Wal-Mart, KMART, Speedy Mart, Rapid Mart, Quick Mart, and all the marts where those guys have them towels wrapped around their heads. Tell'em the Ol' Rancher sent you. You'll be glad you did!

Tip of the day:

 

“If you find a toilet in your dream, don’t use it” - Anon

It’s December….already! Doesn’t that just sink your sampan? Christmas is only 18 days away!?! We just blew through another year! YIKES! OK…ok….moving along…

Well…sort of moving along. Since it’s “that time of the year” (again), Connie the Canner has donned her Christmas apron and other togs and started decorating the Christmas tree…and house…the front porch….and the church…and church fellowship hall…and the dogs….umm…maybe not the dogs (but I haven't checked today). But, then again, it’s probably only because our furry buddies refuse to sit still long enough to be adorned with a wreath or a bow. Anyway, the place is alive with an ocean of cute tiny lights and sparkly bibelots that are the sure sign of an imminent Noel.

She’s finishing up thinking about her plans for this year (the ones she's has been working on since December 26^th of last year. Not much get's passed her that way). For instance, there were a few extra Christmas trees that had been accrued over the previous few years so they were spiffed up and sold (extra cash is our friend!). Busy lady, that gal. 

Cleaning up or Dirtying down: Our “spring cleaning” is way past due and it looks like it won’t be addressed until…next spring (and that’s what we said the previous spring!). It even looks like we are trying to set a record for getting the fewest number of things accomplished in the most amount of time. So far.... I think we’re crushing it.

It’s almost a conundrum. We have a lot of things in the barn that need to go to the hangar at the airport. But, we can’t just haul stuff outside the barn into the weather (be it too hot or too cold or too wet). And, we can’t just shuffle stuff around inside the barn since there it’s already shuffled to the point of not having enough room to even turn around in. “Sigh”.

An attempt was made to pull a bunch of stuff out so we could haul out one of our fridges (it’s dying). However, after getting started, the weather abruptly changed and we had to stuff it all back inside. Hauling, moving, racking, and stacking, for practice is really not part of my professional training. So, we’re trying to haul, move, rack, and stack, for real this time.

It would be almost twice the work but I’m nearing the time to stop thinking about it and just haul it all it to the hangar anyway and sort it out later (or haul it to the Salvation Army or the Sheltered Workshop in P’ville). In any case, the fridge has to come out and that won’t happen until the aisle is cleared. It’s enough to make Maynard G. Krebbs cringe and cry. 

The ”Great Flood” mystery has been solved: Not long ago (but longer than the other day), our coop was inundated by a quite unexpected flood of good ol’ water (we have really good water here). Finding almost a foot of water in your chicken shack is a rather daunting discovery (the daunting part being the part where you already don’t have enough time to fix things that need fixin’ as it is). What to do? All I could think to do was scratch my head.

It was more than a mystery since the Ol’ Rancher wasn’t irrigating the oranges or his garden boxes. And, the next door neighbors (who used to leave their water on overnight and flood the place) have graduated to a better place than Springville (you know; the place that has all those harps, clouds, and angels and the lawn doesn't need to be irrigated).

The new neighbor, whose aid was enlisted, deduced that the water was coming from the inside of the coop so he turned the water hose off at the source. Sure enough! That was the issue! The hose was under the water and you couldn't see that the water was running. The hose was turned off and the problem was solved, right? Ah, but this Rancho Relaxo and you just never know what will happen or when surprises will execute their malevolent tactics.  

A few days later, the head chicken sitter was out in the now-dry huevos hotel giving his bipolar biddy buddies (they can’t make up their minds whether they are there to actually produce eggs or not) some love (in the form of layer pellets, scratch, rice and noodles). And, with every food cart trip, the ten-gallon waterer is sure to be checked and filled as necessary (PRN, eh?). All was going well.

Imagine the look on Rancho Ran’s mug when he started to head out the door and glanced back to see the water hose gushing water into a pool that was rapidly getting larger! What?! Since you can never tell what will happen when you enter a chicken coop (other than knowing what you’ll be stepping in), the old egg heister was already wearing his sturdy rubber boots and was ready to tackle the puddle.

But, what caused this mess?! A stupid chicken (is there such thing as a smart chicken?) stepped on the ball valve and it turned on (the valve connects two hoses in the middle of the coop)! Mystery solved! Other than David Copperfield being involved, nothing else can explain what happened. Besides, I’m pretty sure that I saw a guilty look on one of the nearby hens. Yep. 

The Great Dust Up or Rancho Ran the Dust Buster:

I haven’t always lived in the SJV (San Joaquin Valley). As a boy, my family moved out of state on more than one occasion. We lived in Kansas (more than once), Colorado, and Wyoming. To make life interesting (as if it wasn’t already), I attended the second grade in four different schools in three different towns (one in a different state), and went to the fourth grade, sixth, and seventh grade in two different cities in two different states.

Then, as an adult, I lived in Illinois, Oklahoma, Oregon, Idaho, and Washington State. So, these are the respective “air quality” references used when judging things like how many pounds of dirt are in each cubic foot of air that’s being sucked into my lungs with each breath (and probably why my favorite band was the “Rolling Stones”).

But, having grown up mostly in the Central Valley parts, not much thought was given to such scientific matters as an AQI (air quality index). In fact, our town was a little dinky farm community where most folks were lucky if they could spell “s-c-i-e-n-c-e”. Not that I couldn’t spell science, but it was that I was a farm laborer and dish washer (otherwise there would have been no money for Saturday nights at the local roller rink and the Sock Hop, don’tcha know). That was from ’63-’69. Reckon, dirt was my friend back then (not so much now unless it’s corralled in garden boxes).

Move about 3.5 pounds of calendar pages forward to the spring of 1990 when we moved to Kelso, WA (neighbor to Longview, WA) from Fresburg, CA (sic…you just have to have a pet name for the places you live, eh?). After moving there, we noticed how amazingly green everything was (they can get more rain in one month than we get in one year here). However, we hadn’t actually taken notice of just how wonderfully clean the air was. You would think that not having to breath air that was as thick as a chocolate milk shake was noticeable but I guess not.

That is, until an opportunity arose some months later to head back to the SJV for a visit. Talk about a shock! My throat was cracking almost to the point of dysphonia! It was that difficult to speak! There had been no idea of just how dirty and polluted the valley air actually was until being reintroduced to it! That was a hard lesson to learn but sneezing dirt clods is hard evidence. This issue resolved itself as soon as the cool clean air of Washington lavished my lungs. It’s also one reason we make a run for the coast as often as we can. Fresh air is our friend!

After about five years, the season in WA was over and it was time to move back to the SJV. It didn’t take long for the need for us to wash our Seville and pickup. But, now imagine the fact that the car and pickup needed to be washed again three days later! Yikes!! I knew that it needed to be washed because, when I went to get into the bloody thing, it was brown instead of blue because of a huge deposit of dust covering it! It would have been easy to lose my Jeep Comanche pickup in any Wal-Mart parking lot!

That’s when the weekly regimen of car washing was instituted so that we wouldn’t end up feeling like lazy, unscrupulous, dirt huggers. Thankfully, we could afford the weekly hit of “rinse and run”. Guess who did the inside cleaning and general detailing for the tires and such? Ah, but my pickee-up truck sho’ nuff looked spiffy all the time (the 4.0L straight six engine got detailed, too!).

Move 37.25 pounds of calendar leaves ahead another 27 years. These are the number of years of having lived back in the SJV. Rancho Ran and Connie the Canner are abiding in Dustville, USA in a large two-story home with a large back patio. Imagine there being so much dirt (not dust: dirt!) on that big beautiful patio (where three nice big BBQ grills are parked) that it needs to have Rancho Ran use a motorized leaf blower to oust it back into the yard. Then, try to visualize the grimace on his face when, two days later, he has to blast the same ton of dirt off the patio again! That’s the kind of thing that can really deflate your bounce house.

Bet you can guess who’s really tired of being a dirt herder, eh? The Ol' Rancher has no issue with being a farmer with dirt in his blood. But, Ol’ Ran does have an issue with having all that dirt piling up on his patio, car, and in his lungs, throat, and ears, though. 

Goodness! Gracious! Great balls of….fur! Our pal, Fuzzy, needs a haircut. He's overgrown to the point that he's a four-legged chunk of matted fur. Our doggy clippers just don't work so we're thinking about tracking down a set of motorized shears that they use for sheep, goats, llamas, and Yeti's (I think I saw a 5 hp model on "Craig's List". Should work ). We can trim the fur around his eyes a bit but that's when we use our regular house scissors. There's one last chance whereby we may succeed and that's to use our "Flowbee" hair cutting system. The vacuum cleaner will need to be hooked up first (we'll likely need the Shop Vac) . The "Flowbee" sucks up the hair/fur and then whacks it and it and parks it in the vacuum. We'll see and let everyone know if we can restore FuzzBall to his former handsome self. Right now his on par for winning the prize for the worst looking Doodle on the planet. He's a Wreck-a-Doodle for now.

Well....there you have it: another short episode of the long happenings at Rancho Relaxo: home of Rancho Ran, the world's least-most greatest authority: home of the Yo-Yo  twins and home of a retarded duck: home of Connie the Canner, the world's greatest side-kook and CEE (Chief of Everything Else): where the air smells and where alliteration reigns supreme: where being modern is optional and where there are no slaves to fashion: where the eggs are always mostly fresh: where things can get...interesting: where it's all news to me and where...you just never know.

NOVEMBRE GLORIOSA

Greetings and welcome to the "Rancho Relaxo" blog for November. Lot's of things going on around here. So, the Ol' Rooster and Ol' Hen just wanted to share what's happening at our humble rancho nestled in the dry-as-toast foothills of the Sierra Nevada Mountains. Everything is still "California Gold" but we're entering our rainy season so there is an expectation of wetness. We've had an exquisite summer that even included rain so there are no complaints. The daily high temps are wonderfully and comfortably cool so autumn is here. Anyway, thanks for dropping in at the Rancho Relaxo global headquarters.
 

This is the Schwinn bike that we found alongside the road at the River Island Estates about a mile from the rancho. It was free. We sold it for 225.00 on Craig's List. That's called "free money" and free money is our FRIEND!

You may recall when Fuzzy, the effulgent ball of fur, fluff, and tangles Labradoodle, ventured over to the neighbor's yard to visit their Bulldog, Bella. It was sort of a "sticky" situation and was Fuzz Ball's coming-of-age event. I almost shuddered to think what would happen if Bella had pups because it wasn't imaginable as to what such a mix would look like. The best I could figure is that we might be able to give them away on another planet 100 light years from here (and maybe only for food, at that). Well, she did have pups and I was wrong. Here are four of the six pups who really are all pretty cute guys. Only one displays his shaggy daddy's DNA! Even then, it's only a hint of shag. You just never know.  

 

 

Here's some of our dirty birds who are no longer chicks but who are now our pretty pullets. They're busy doing what they do best: devouring anything in their path. They should be blessing us with a bountiful supply of huevos before too awfully long. 

Here are two cute Bantams. The little rooster is a real hoot. He has to dodge the other "real" roosters and sort of keeps to himself. There is another Bantam hen but it's not likely that we'll keep them. They're just ornamental for now. I don't know. I may keep them in case I'm on a diet and only eat small eggs, eh? Reckon we could start a Bantam ranch, too. NAW!

Connie the Canner found this new foldable step stool at a yard sale. It fit right in with our decor. It was about one third the price of retail! She's a smart shopper, that lady! 

For all you "Dukes of  Hazzard" fans out there.  

A word from our sponsor:

This issue of Rancho Relaxo is brought to you by "Shimmying Sheila’s Shiny Shaky Shower Shibbers”. " Now, these are the best Shiny Shaky Shower Shibbers that money can buy! You cannot...I say...you cannot get a better Shiny Shaky Shower Shibbers anywhere! And, they're made right here in the US of A. You can get your bountiful supply of "Shimmying Sheila’s Shiny Shaky Shower Shibbers” at the Wal-Mart, KMART, Speedy Mart, Rapid Mart, Quick Mart, and all those marts where those guys have them towels wrapped around their heads. Tell'em the Ol' Rancher sent you. You'll be glad you did!

 Well, kiss my grits and call me “Corn Pone” (thank you, Bugs Bunny!)! It’s November! It’s difficult enough trying to deal with how fast time is ripping by but it’s incomprehensibly rapid when we’re seeing Christmas decorations way before Thanksgiving!! There’s no need to hit the accelerator when everything’s already a blur, y’all! Movin’ along….

The weather here has been wonderful! We had a milder-than-usual summer and now a milder-than-usual fall. It's great! It would be nice to get some rain soon, though. There was an abundance of rain last season but we still need more. Certainly, the chill will hit by Thanksgiving but that's fine. 

Blitz Time or Now we’re cookin’: They’re have been some changes made here at the rancho. One really cool thing that we switched ISP’s. We’ve been with Springville Wireless for about 15 years and have had no complaints at all. However, their bandwidth tops out under 10mbs (that’s 10 megabits per second, not megabytes. There’s 8 bits to a byte). 

It's not that we couldn't keep up with Jones. It's that we couldn't even keep up with the rest of the Internet! For the previous several months there have been issues with uploading my teachings on webhost’s servers that couldn’t be resolved. I didn't know it at the time but the issue was that my Internet speed was too slow! So, it was time to look around for some options.

The ISP of choice was Charter/Spectrum who offered 300 mbs service for only ten dollars more per month than Springville Wireless. That’s at least (gulp!) 30 times the speed! Guess what? The upload issue was immediately resolved! That made for a really happy rancher, let me tell you! The main PC here is a hot dual core workbox that thinks it’s a quadcore machine so it’s easy to get more work done in a day. Ripping through pages of news is pleasure now. That’s nice.

 Chickening report: Chickens are funny critters. You just never know what makes them tick. As of late, and for reasons yet to be determined, our birdies are not laying. They’re just a bunch of hungry decorations.

Not that they aren’t well fed because they are. They get their layer pellet rations and whatever table scraps a couple of times per day. They even get stale donuts so life is good. So, they’re far from being an abstemious flock of dieting egg factories. In fact, they are a coop full of Shop Vacs who aren’t producing any huevos.  

We switched feed to see if it would make a difference and it seemed to for a few weeks. But, then, production fell precipitously. Thought was given maybe attributing the phenomenon to the weather. But, the weather has only just recently started to mellow with morning temps being lower than 50 degrees.

The next step will probably be switching brands of layer pellets. Word got around that feed from Tractor Supply was doctored in some way that diminished egg laying so we won’t use theirs. If all else fails, we may just feed them dry dog food for a few weeks and see what the does. Or, perhaps a mix of layer pellets and chicken scratch. We’ll see. In any case, it would be nice to have a regular supply of eggs. We’re spoiled!

Mystery flood or What’s with all the deep water in the shallow coop?: The other day (when lots of things happen around here), when it was time to feed the ravenous feathery cackle crowd, it was immediately noticed that, overnight, the coop had become deeply flooded. My lightning-fast mind noted that, that’s not good.

After the Ol’ Rancher donned the requisite waders, he tossed the chicken chow into the rear section of the coop where it was dry, it was time to track down the source of the flood.

The usual culprit is when the Ranch Honcho forgets to turn off the irrigation water in the back 40 (which is actually about .5 acres or so). That wasn’t the case. So, what was the case? After a couple of days, the water got so deep that it was affecting the neighbor’s yard. He wasn’t complaining about the free water or such but the mud was the problem. So, he started looking and helping to find the source of grief.

Frankly, I’m still not sure how it happened. But, somehow or another, the water hose in the coop was left on and it flooded the coop. It wasn’t discovered because the end of the hose was under water and couldn’t be noticed. However, the hose is only used to fill the chicken’s water barrel and then, to prevent a flood, it’s turned off. It’s impossible to accidently leave it on and not notice it. Strange. So, the water was turned off and the coop is drying out and returning to normal.

Watch your step or Living the balanced life: The other day, while ridding my plum tree of the pestilent bugs that make webs for a home (they look a little bit like a spider web but they aren’t spiders), guess who wasn’t watching his step and fell to the ground in an inglorious heap o’ pain? Yep. You got it. There was a bale of hay that sneaked up behind me when I was backing up and ran right into it. I was obedient to the laws of physics and fell at 32’ per second per second. The math works out to, “he fell in nothing flat”.

 It was as good thing that the Rancho Radio was on my hip because I needed to give Connie the Canner a call. She was quick to respond to the exigency and found the Ol’ Rancher sprawled on the ground out by the chicken coop. She got the attention of the next-door neighbor who happened to be outside and asked for his help.

After checking for fractures and such (no need for the ABC’s), the neighbor lent a hand up. It was determined that diagnosis was that Ol’ Ran was just stove-up a bit. You know how it is. Older bodies just don’t bounce as well as the younger ones. It thought it was right nice of Connie to not take pictures and try to get them to go viral on TikTok.

Ah, but this is Rancho Relaxo and you just never know what’s going to happen next. Two days later, I fell again at church! It was either a mic cord or a misstep but it was “away we go!” again! This tumble-and-sprawl only resulted in a bit of rug burn on the ol’ elbow and some a big gob of salve for the ego. Sometimes I think my super power is making myself look stupider than normal (yeah…that is a problem). Reckon you can say that it may take a little longer to over being stove-up.

 Ham it up: Since we’re experiencing a super-duper high “Schwabe sunspot cycle” (which causes ionization in the upper atmosphere which then makes for great radio wave propagation), the ham radio bands are buzzing with activity. That draws out the “hamster” part of Radio Ran’s soul. He’s been a ham radio operator since 1971 and, since it’ s a fun hobby, there’s no talking him out of getting on the air. Besides, practice and proficiency go hand-in-hand. No sense in being an imperfect ham operator, eh?

My ham shack is a mess and it will take a while to un-mess it. So, the idea is to convert the computer desk in the back corner of my 12’ x 15’ computer shop/office into a small tidy ham station (which could be...interesting...since the head operator isn't small and isn't all that tidy). However, I’m trying to not make my station look like it was wired by Chief Engineer “Scotty” from Star Trek but with too much help from Gilligan. Not being a true-blue fan of Star Trek (pray for the poor girl), Connie frowns on such things as an extra couple of miles of highly-visible wiring inside the house.

But, it appears that a 33’ dipole can be strung on the roof eave outside my office. That’s easy enough to do. I have a nice W2DU HF balun and plenty of 16 gauge stranded wire to work with. My soldering iron is bored so it’ll appreciate the workout. It’ll be cut to resonate on the 20 meter and then the MFJ-949E tuner will be used to make it resonant on the lower and higher frequencies. Most likely, it’ll tune to down 30 meters. There is a possibility that it’ll tune to 40 meters but we’ll see. There should be no problem tuning it up on 17 meters, 15 meters, 12 meters (this one may be iffy), and 10 meters. And, there's a dedicated 6 meter tuner if it's needed.

And, it’ll be cut for the middle of the 20 meter band which is by using the formula ½ wavelength (for a dipole) = 468/f. So, ½ wavelength = 468/14.200 L=33’ (32.9577’ to be exact but who’s counting?).

The transceiver is an older ICOM IC-706 MK II G. It’s a incredibly small yet high-performance HF (including 6 meters) -VHF-UHF rig. She’ll pump out 100 watts on HF, 50 watts on 2 meters and 20 watts on 440/70cm. It’s unlikely that I’ll opt for the full power mode since the radio may over heat. My preference is for low power anyway so it’ll be run at half-power or less.

5 watts is also an option and preferred if the bands are in. If the band is solid, I may even hook up the Yaesu FT-817 which is a dedicated QRP (low power) 5 watt transceiver. Or, I may just hook it up in the van in place of the 10 meter mono-band HTX-100 low power rig being used now. It belts out a solid 18 watts on SSB. I’ve talked (mobile) from Arizona to Europe with it.

The antenna used on the van is a Wilson 5000 CB antenna (usually used for 11 meters) tuned with an antenna tuner for 10 meters. Fun fact: the 11 meter CB band is the lower part of the ham radio band spectrum. It was sliced off in 1958 leaving the 10 meter (28-29 mhz) band for hams. The hams groused a bit but it all worked out. Some ham radios still had 11 meter capability clear into the late 1970’s. I have one of them. It’s a Yaesu FT-101EE. I haven’t had it on the air yet but I plan to.

Stay tuned for updates from WA6IXI.

Well....there you have it: another short episode of the long happenings at Rancho Relaxo: home of Rancho Ran, the world's least-most greatest authority: home of the Yo-Yo  twins and home of a retarded duck: home of Connie the Canner, the world's greatest side-kook and CEE (Chief of Everything Else): where the air smells and where alliteration reigns supreme: where being modern is optional and where there are no slaves to fashion: where the eggs are always mostly fresh: where things can get...interesting: where it's all news to me and where...you just never know.

 

 

RANCHO OCTOBRE BUENO

 

Greetings and welcome to the "Rancho Relaxo" blog for October. Once again, we’re running a tad late with our post this month just like the previous few issues. We hope to cure this matter prior to the death of Santa Claus but, hey, who knows. And, like previously, there are lots of reasons for that but you will be spared most of them (it would help if I could get a week off around here). In any case, the Ol' Rooster and Ol' Hen just wanted to share what's happening here at our humble rancho nestled in the dry-as-toast foothills of the Sierra Nevada Mountains. Thanks to La Niña, and despite everything being "California Gold" in color, we have been having an exquisite summer that even included rain (which is almost unheard of in the summer!)! The daily high temps are now about like April around here! So, autumn is here! Anyway, thanks for dropping in at the Rancho Relaxo global headquarters.

CLICK ON PICS TO ENLARGE

Well...what can I say? I just had to toss in a last glimpse of our super two day getaway to the magnificent Pacific Ocean that we took not long ago (but longer than the other day). 

Dear Abbie is looking longingly at me to see if I'm going to share my ham sandwich with her. It didn't happen this time but it does on some occasions which is precisely why she's staring at me without blinking.

Here's a pair of peros to draw to. They are completely mismatched with completely different outlooks on life. Abbie, the serious short-haired coon huntin' dawg and Fuzzy the fun-loving gad about Doddle Dog. Gotta love'em and we do!

To the right is the Upper Globe Road bridge that got washed out during our previous rain cycle which brought a flood upon it. They just about have it repaired so is should be open in a few days at most. There's another washout just down the road a piece and I'm not sure if that's been repaired or not. But, a lot of rock hauling trucks have been seen in the vicinity. 

The Ol' Rancher doesn't eat a lot of popcorn; but, when he does, he uses Connie the Canner's huge stainless steel bowl. And, it's a piece of cake to toss the butter with this big baby! There's no more chasing flyaway popcorn kernels, don'tcha know. That's even if you pop your popcorn in your blue-colored, 6 quart, "Rachel Ray", tock pot. I get successfully popped corn every time. 

Instructions: add about 6 tablespoons of peanut oil (or whatever else fits) to the non-stick pot. Yes, that's all. Then, toss in a single kernel of corn and turn the fire up all the way. Yes, all the way up on "HI". When it pops, add enough popcorn to cover the bottom then add about 50% more. Yes, 50% more. Then, put the lid back on and swirl the pot to make sure that all of the kernels are covered in the cooking oil. Put the lid back on and wait for the pot to fill up. When it's full and still popping, pull the lid off and dump about half the corn into your big stainless steel pan and put the lid back on and put the pot back on the stove while the rest of the corn pops. When popping stops, just add the corn to the pan. Pour on a goodly portion of melted butter, salt it, toss it, eat it. Easy peasy. You'll have very few "old maids" and the popcorn will turn out marvelous. 

To the right, what do you see (click on it to enlarge)? Yes, it's a ceiling fan (this isn't a trick question). How many blades does it have? Look closely at the blade angle and separation. How many? It's a five bladed fan. The other day (when lots of things happen around here), after taking a much-needed nap, I noticed that the fan appeared to missing a blade. That required some focusing and a rethink because I knew it had five blades (I'd worked on it before). Thankfully, it was an optical illusion. Strange things happen at Rancho Relaxo including disappearing fan blades. 

Speaking of fans, this is one of our biggest fans. This 20" beauty was one of the blessings tossed at us at the big estate/yard sale across the street from us. We bought a bunch of stuff and as we were loading up Wooly Pulley, they just kept giving us things. This was one of the two nice big fans they gave us. It'll be stored until next summer when it will be fired up and put to good use. 

This traffic accident happened yesterday on Highway 190 across the street from the "Antlers" bar and about 850' short of the "Eagle Feather" driveway.  I wasn't able to determine the injuries as of yet. I couldn't see the other car but it doesn't look all that bad. I've seen worse. This highway has seen its share of crashes and fatalities. Two men were killed in a head-on crash just a tad more than quarter of a mile directly behind this site and another was killed about three-quarters of a mile beyond that one. The list is extensive yet people just don't pay attention. 

Nailing it: The saga of the smashed fingernail is about over. But, it seems that few things are normal around here. The fingernail event is one of those "non-normal" ones. The blackened fingernail popped loose from the cuticle. That was a good sign that it was healing. Ah, but this is Rancho Relaxo and you just know that it won't be easy from here. The expectation was for the nail to just fall off and the new nail could grow out. Not so. the forward part of the nail was stuck to the skin of the finger. Great. The back part is flapping around and ready to get ripped off by the first snag that comes along. It was pretty sensitive so something had to be done so there wouldn't be a bloody mess with a weeping and wailing grimacing rancher clinching his teeth and clutching and flinging his hand around in pain. It called for a bit of "sidewalk surgery". Thankfully, though I didn't have a sidewalk, I did have a "scalpel". It was actually a fresh new box cutter blade (trust me. They are sharp enough), It took a bit of teasing to cut the fingernail away from it's grasp on my finger but, in a few minutes, the nail was lifted off and tossed. The new nail is growing and all should be normal again soon.  

 

A word from our sponsor:

This issue of Rancho Relaxo is brought to you by "Fabulous Fanny’s Funky Fried Flakey Friggers" Now, these are the best Funky Fried Flakey Friggers that money can buy! You cannot...I say...you cannot get a better Funky Fried Flakey Frigger anywhere! And, they're made right here in the US of A. You can get your bountiful supply of " Fabulous Fanny’s Funky Fried Flakey Friggers” at the Wal-Mart, KMART, Speedy Mart, Rapid Mart, Quick Mart, and all those marts where those guys have them towels wrapped around their heads. Tell'em the Ol' Rancher sent you. You'll be glad you did!

                                       Tip of the Day:

"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there."

                                                                                       -- WILL ROGERS

 

Well!! I’ll be double dipped and rolled in Panko if it ain’t October…already! In a couple of blinks of the eyes, it’ll be Christmas! Oh, my! Speaking of Christmas, it’s only75 days away! Time is flying as quickly as the proverbial black winged mammal out of that notorious nether region meant to be the everlasting destination for the wicked (that shouldn't even offend a deacon in a Pentecostal Holiness Church). Moving along….

Rancho Relaxo Report: Well, we’re moving along and making a lot of dust as we make progress. There is more dust on some days and less on others. But, there’s still enough dust to make it worth the effort (and to keep Connie the Cleaner busy).

We’re in good health and in good spirits so that’s worth a lot. There are no major issues with which to contend other than the ranch, the dogs, the chickens, the barn, the tractor, the trailers, and the hangar (the cars are running well, so far). Other than that, everything is pretty tame. After all, we did get two days off this year! That should last until Christmas (did I mention that Christmas is only 75 days away? Oh, yeah, and the memory thing, too).

From here, it’s “prep for winter” time. The orange trees will need a big drink of water as will the grass (which is now brown and ugly) and vines (which are a bit stressed). We may not have any significant rain for a couple of months so it’s prudent.

That calls for “pulling sprinklers” which, as you know, is one of my favorite things to do around here. That’s right up there with the gagging and retching inducing job of cleaning the grease traps at “Gang Sue’s Restaurant” (which, thankfully, I haven’t had to do since 1963 when I swore off grease trap cleaning).

It would be a good idea to stockpile chicken feed (layer pellets) and dog chow (wet and dry), too. That’s especially true since the “Swell Joe” (literally) doubled the price of chicken scratch and layer pellets. Bags of dog chow are 30% higher, too. We keep them in 33 gallon steel or plastic containers so the critters can’t get to them. I used to one-hand those things but it takes two, now. Reckon they’re over-filling them just for me, eh? Bless their darlin' hearts. 

And, the barn will be overhauled if it doesn’t rain too much. That’s a chore for ten men but I think I can handle it. But, it looks like “El Niño” may give us a wet winter. So, that’ll entail hauling everything down to the hangar so it’ll stay dry (Gosh! That should be fun!). Otherwise, I have to tarp everything and that has not proven to be an effective way of doing things so far. If we get right to it, we should be through by Christmas 2024 (which is only 440 days away!).

No Sale: It’s not likely we can make vacation plans this year. We’ve decided to not conduct our “vacation money” generating event this year. I’m referring, of course, to our huge 15^th annual yard sale which has been the source of much joy and much more exhaustion.

I must say that it’s been a great run. We’ve been able to go either north or east (and, one year, to both places) to see family every now and again. And, our vacations haven’t cost us anything but a year of preparation: acquiring goodies to sell, storing and cleaning those goodies, a week of back-breaking exhaustive work to set up, three 14-hour days of extreme aching and exhaustion during the event, an arduous two weeks of tearing down and restoring/re-boxing a ton of stuff that didn’t sell while almost dead (it took six weeks last year), then at least six weeks of slow aching recovery to normal. Ain’t nothing like a free vacation.

Planning a getaway anyway: Our last real trip out of Dodge was north to Washington to see family up there. That was a few years ago when we picked up our (previous) Ford Freestar van in Boise (our latest Freestar came from Irvine near LA). We shagged on up to WA then back home. It was more of a mini-vacation (it was really closer to a drive-by hugging) since we were only gone for a week. It’s only a thousand miles so it’s a bit more attainable and the drive is two bits easier on the old people’s airframes.

On the other hand, our furthest destination in Texas is 1,728 miles away so it takes a lot more planning and, of course, the cost is greater. But, we are still hoping to find a way to make it back there to see the rest of the folks. We haven’t been to Texas in about 5 years which makes it an overdue priority. We are really determined so see what happens when they regularly feed those grandkids all that good Texas cookin' (that good stuff is what keeps your bellybutton and your backbone from getting together)!

When going east, we made the commitment to take it easy on the Ol' Rancher and Ol' Canner by not pushing them until they drop (especially when they start trip completely wrecked after the yard sale). Driving 12 hours per day is no longer considered part of trip planning. That means, instead of stopping for one night on the road like we do when travelling to Washington, there’s two or even three nights planned when eastbound. That adds up to about $600.00 or so just for lodging (roundtrip) so the yard sale profits are helpful. I used to drive straight through to both states but that was 25 years ago when doing so didn't require CPR at the end of the trip.

When we do go to Texas, we’ll make stops in Abilene to see Jeff and Sandra Minnick and their son and his wife, Randall and Hannah. Then we’ll head southeast to Kingsbury to see brother Roger Freeman and dear sister, Charlotte Parker, brother Chris and Carol Freeman, and brother Steve and Paulette Freeman. From there, it will be on further east to see daughter Trixie and Dan Howden and their family in Magnolia (near Houston). It’s difficult to be so far away from loved ones. At least we don’t have to travel by covered wagon.

One place in Texas that I can hardly wait to go to again is the “City Market BBQ” in Luling. That place is “feast city”! Their BBQ is the talk of town but not just their town! They are even known in Austin (50 miles away) and San Antonio (57 miles away)! The great news is that it’s only 11 miles from Roger’s place! Zowie! In fact, it’s close enough that I call the place Lunch-n-Back, Texas!

Our first encounter was about 12 or so years ago when Roger took us there for lunch and I’ve been hooked ever since. After tearing into their pile of BBQ brisket and sausages, I became a believer and big fan!

Oh, what a card he is or How to embarrass the Ol’ Rancher without half trying: The other day (when lots of things happen around here), we had to stop by the bank drive-through to crash (sic) a couple of checks and such. I hauled the debit card out of my wallet and sent it over for ID along with the checks. The speaker came alive again with “This is a Wendy’s card”. WHAT?! I took a quick look at Connie who was instantly enjoying this event far more than she should have been. I mean, laughing so hard you can’t breathe is entirely too much entertainment for an old granny, if you ask me. When she returned to her normal color, she was most gracious and stated, “Well, they are the same color and do look alike”. Thank you, dear. The nice young teller lady (who was probably laughing at the old dude in the van) sent the red card back and it was replaced with the other red card and all was well after that. *SIGH*

Weather or not: This has been a really nice summer and early fall. Normally, the daytime temps at Rancho Relaxo don’t fall below 95 degrees until the last week of September. Thanks to “El Niño”, our temps weren’t even close to that! Though we did have a few summer scorchers, all-in-all, it’s been great!

We’re cooling down now to very pleasant daytime temps in the mid-70’s. It makes working outside (of which there is no small amount to do) much easier. “Let it cool! Let it cool! Let it cool!”.

Rancho Pero Report or Doggin’ it: Abbie and Bella, the next-door neighbor’s bulldog, just can’t seem to see eye to eye, for some reason. Abbie had healed up well from their previous scrap. Then, for indeterminant reasons, they hooked up in battle again. Abbie showed up one evening and was seriously wounded again. She was treated and allowed to rest in the house as much as she wanted for a week or so until her wounds healed. They did heal very quickly and very well.

On one occasion, I happened to be in the back yard when Bella sprinted across the yard to attack Abbie. She was intercepted and run back home. Had I not been there, there would have been another nasty clash and Abbie would have gotten the worse of the deal.

I had a talk with the neighbor and we’ll both try to keep a watch on the situation.

A relative matter or Fuzz Daddy: It looks like I’ll need to consider Bella as part of the family now. Remember when Fuzzy recently had his coming-of-age moment with Bella? Guess who heard puppies yipping at the neighbor’s house the other day? Yep. Bella now has a litter of Doodle Dogs (or is it Bull Doodles?). Criminy! No one at the ranch is in a hurry to see what these pups look like! It just isn’t possible to imagine what such a mix looks like. We may have set a world record for ugly or weird dogs. Reckon it will become apparent in due season, though. At least they can honestly answer the question, “Who’s Your Daddy?”. We’re also hoping that there’ll be no “pup support” demanded of us. Wouldn’t that be interesting?

Well....there you have it: another short episode of the long happenings at Rancho Relaxo: home of Rancho Ran, the world's least-most greatest authority: home of the Yo-Yo  twins and home of a retarded duck: home of Connie the Canner, the world's greatest side-kook and CEE (Chief of Everything Else): where the air smells and where alliteration reigns supreme: where being modern is optional and where there are no slaves to fashion: where the eggs are always mostly fresh: where things can get...interesting: where it's all news to me and where...you just never know.