RANCHO OCTOBRE BUENO

 

Greetings and welcome to the "Rancho Relaxo" blog for October. Once again, we’re running a tad late with our post this month just like the previous few issues. We hope to cure this matter prior to the death of Santa Claus but, hey, who knows. And, like previously, there are lots of reasons for that but you will be spared most of them (it would help if I could get a week off around here). In any case, the Ol' Rooster and Ol' Hen just wanted to share what's happening here at our humble rancho nestled in the dry-as-toast foothills of the Sierra Nevada Mountains. Thanks to La Niña, and despite everything being "California Gold" in color, we have been having an exquisite summer that even included rain (which is almost unheard of in the summer!)! The daily high temps are now about like April around here! So, autumn is here! Anyway, thanks for dropping in at the Rancho Relaxo global headquarters.

CLICK ON PICS TO ENLARGE

Well...what can I say? I just had to toss in a last glimpse of our super two day getaway to the magnificent Pacific Ocean that we took not long ago (but longer than the other day). 

Dear Abbie is looking longingly at me to see if I'm going to share my ham sandwich with her. It didn't happen this time but it does on some occasions which is precisely why she's staring at me without blinking.

Here's a pair of peros to draw to. They are completely mismatched with completely different outlooks on life. Abbie, the serious short-haired coon huntin' dawg and Fuzzy the fun-loving gad about Doddle Dog. Gotta love'em and we do!

To the right is the Upper Globe Road bridge that got washed out during our previous rain cycle which brought a flood upon it. They just about have it repaired so is should be open in a few days at most. There's another washout just down the road a piece and I'm not sure if that's been repaired or not. But, a lot of rock hauling trucks have been seen in the vicinity. 

The Ol' Rancher doesn't eat a lot of popcorn; but, when he does, he uses Connie the Canner's huge stainless steel bowl. And, it's a piece of cake to toss the butter with this big baby! There's no more chasing flyaway popcorn kernels, don'tcha know. That's even if you pop your popcorn in your blue-colored, 6 quart, "Rachel Ray", tock pot. I get successfully popped corn every time. 

Instructions: add about 6 tablespoons of peanut oil (or whatever else fits) to the non-stick pot. Yes, that's all. Then, toss in a single kernel of corn and turn the fire up all the way. Yes, all the way up on "HI". When it pops, add enough popcorn to cover the bottom then add about 50% more. Yes, 50% more. Then, put the lid back on and swirl the pot to make sure that all of the kernels are covered in the cooking oil. Put the lid back on and wait for the pot to fill up. When it's full and still popping, pull the lid off and dump about half the corn into your big stainless steel pan and put the lid back on and put the pot back on the stove while the rest of the corn pops. When popping stops, just add the corn to the pan. Pour on a goodly portion of melted butter, salt it, toss it, eat it. Easy peasy. You'll have very few "old maids" and the popcorn will turn out marvelous. 

To the right, what do you see (click on it to enlarge)? Yes, it's a ceiling fan (this isn't a trick question). How many blades does it have? Look closely at the blade angle and separation. How many? It's a five bladed fan. The other day (when lots of things happen around here), after taking a much-needed nap, I noticed that the fan appeared to missing a blade. That required some focusing and a rethink because I knew it had five blades (I'd worked on it before). Thankfully, it was an optical illusion. Strange things happen at Rancho Relaxo including disappearing fan blades. 

Speaking of fans, this is one of our biggest fans. This 20" beauty was one of the blessings tossed at us at the big estate/yard sale across the street from us. We bought a bunch of stuff and as we were loading up Wooly Pulley, they just kept giving us things. This was one of the two nice big fans they gave us. It'll be stored until next summer when it will be fired up and put to good use. 

This traffic accident happened yesterday on Highway 190 across the street from the "Antlers" bar and about 850' short of the "Eagle Feather" driveway.  I wasn't able to determine the injuries as of yet. I couldn't see the other car but it doesn't look all that bad. I've seen worse. This highway has seen its share of crashes and fatalities. Two men were killed in a head-on crash just a tad more than quarter of a mile directly behind this site and another was killed about three-quarters of a mile beyond that one. The list is extensive yet people just don't pay attention. 

Nailing it: The saga of the smashed fingernail is about over. But, it seems that few things are normal around here. The fingernail event is one of those "non-normal" ones. The blackened fingernail popped loose from the cuticle. That was a good sign that it was healing. Ah, but this is Rancho Relaxo and you just know that it won't be easy from here. The expectation was for the nail to just fall off and the new nail could grow out. Not so. the forward part of the nail was stuck to the skin of the finger. Great. The back part is flapping around and ready to get ripped off by the first snag that comes along. It was pretty sensitive so something had to be done so there wouldn't be a bloody mess with a weeping and wailing grimacing rancher clinching his teeth and clutching and flinging his hand around in pain. It called for a bit of "sidewalk surgery". Thankfully, though I didn't have a sidewalk, I did have a "scalpel". It was actually a fresh new box cutter blade (trust me. They are sharp enough), It took a bit of teasing to cut the fingernail away from it's grasp on my finger but, in a few minutes, the nail was lifted off and tossed. The new nail is growing and all should be normal again soon.  

 

A word from our sponsor:

This issue of Rancho Relaxo is brought to you by "Fabulous Fanny’s Funky Fried Flakey Friggers" Now, these are the best Funky Fried Flakey Friggers that money can buy! You cannot...I say...you cannot get a better Funky Fried Flakey Frigger anywhere! And, they're made right here in the US of A. You can get your bountiful supply of " Fabulous Fanny’s Funky Fried Flakey Friggers” at the Wal-Mart, KMART, Speedy Mart, Rapid Mart, Quick Mart, and all those marts where those guys have them towels wrapped around their heads. Tell'em the Ol' Rancher sent you. You'll be glad you did!

                                       Tip of the Day:

"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there."

                                                                                       -- WILL ROGERS

 

Well!! I’ll be double dipped and rolled in Panko if it ain’t October…already! In a couple of blinks of the eyes, it’ll be Christmas! Oh, my! Speaking of Christmas, it’s only75 days away! Time is flying as quickly as the proverbial black winged mammal out of that notorious nether region meant to be the everlasting destination for the wicked (that shouldn't even offend a deacon in a Pentecostal Holiness Church). Moving along….

Rancho Relaxo Report: Well, we’re moving along and making a lot of dust as we make progress. There is more dust on some days and less on others. But, there’s still enough dust to make it worth the effort (and to keep Connie the Cleaner busy).

We’re in good health and in good spirits so that’s worth a lot. There are no major issues with which to contend other than the ranch, the dogs, the chickens, the barn, the tractor, the trailers, and the hangar (the cars are running well, so far). Other than that, everything is pretty tame. After all, we did get two days off this year! That should last until Christmas (did I mention that Christmas is only 75 days away? Oh, yeah, and the memory thing, too).

From here, it’s “prep for winter” time. The orange trees will need a big drink of water as will the grass (which is now brown and ugly) and vines (which are a bit stressed). We may not have any significant rain for a couple of months so it’s prudent.

That calls for “pulling sprinklers” which, as you know, is one of my favorite things to do around here. That’s right up there with the gagging and retching inducing job of cleaning the grease traps at “Gang Sue’s Restaurant” (which, thankfully, I haven’t had to do since 1963 when I swore off grease trap cleaning).

It would be a good idea to stockpile chicken feed (layer pellets) and dog chow (wet and dry), too. That’s especially true since the “Swell Joe” (literally) doubled the price of chicken scratch and layer pellets. Bags of dog chow are 30% higher, too. We keep them in 33 gallon steel or plastic containers so the critters can’t get to them. I used to one-hand those things but it takes two, now. Reckon they’re over-filling them just for me, eh? Bless their darlin' hearts. 

And, the barn will be overhauled if it doesn’t rain too much. That’s a chore for ten men but I think I can handle it. But, it looks like “El Niño” may give us a wet winter. So, that’ll entail hauling everything down to the hangar so it’ll stay dry (Gosh! That should be fun!). Otherwise, I have to tarp everything and that has not proven to be an effective way of doing things so far. If we get right to it, we should be through by Christmas 2024 (which is only 440 days away!).

No Sale: It’s not likely we can make vacation plans this year. We’ve decided to not conduct our “vacation money” generating event this year. I’m referring, of course, to our huge 15^th annual yard sale which has been the source of much joy and much more exhaustion.

I must say that it’s been a great run. We’ve been able to go either north or east (and, one year, to both places) to see family every now and again. And, our vacations haven’t cost us anything but a year of preparation: acquiring goodies to sell, storing and cleaning those goodies, a week of back-breaking exhaustive work to set up, three 14-hour days of extreme aching and exhaustion during the event, an arduous two weeks of tearing down and restoring/re-boxing a ton of stuff that didn’t sell while almost dead (it took six weeks last year), then at least six weeks of slow aching recovery to normal. Ain’t nothing like a free vacation.

Planning a getaway anyway: Our last real trip out of Dodge was north to Washington to see family up there. That was a few years ago when we picked up our (previous) Ford Freestar van in Boise (our latest Freestar came from Irvine near LA). We shagged on up to WA then back home. It was more of a mini-vacation (it was really closer to a drive-by hugging) since we were only gone for a week. It’s only a thousand miles so it’s a bit more attainable and the drive is two bits easier on the old people’s airframes.

On the other hand, our furthest destination in Texas is 1,728 miles away so it takes a lot more planning and, of course, the cost is greater. But, we are still hoping to find a way to make it back there to see the rest of the folks. We haven’t been to Texas in about 5 years which makes it an overdue priority. We are really determined so see what happens when they regularly feed those grandkids all that good Texas cookin' (that good stuff is what keeps your bellybutton and your backbone from getting together)!

When going east, we made the commitment to take it easy on the Ol' Rancher and Ol' Canner by not pushing them until they drop (especially when they start trip completely wrecked after the yard sale). Driving 12 hours per day is no longer considered part of trip planning. That means, instead of stopping for one night on the road like we do when travelling to Washington, there’s two or even three nights planned when eastbound. That adds up to about $600.00 or so just for lodging (roundtrip) so the yard sale profits are helpful. I used to drive straight through to both states but that was 25 years ago when doing so didn't require CPR at the end of the trip.

When we do go to Texas, we’ll make stops in Abilene to see Jeff and Sandra Minnick and their son and his wife, Randall and Hannah. Then we’ll head southeast to Kingsbury to see brother Roger Freeman and dear sister, Charlotte Parker, brother Chris and Carol Freeman, and brother Steve and Paulette Freeman. From there, it will be on further east to see daughter Trixie and Dan Howden and their family in Magnolia (near Houston). It’s difficult to be so far away from loved ones. At least we don’t have to travel by covered wagon.

One place in Texas that I can hardly wait to go to again is the “City Market BBQ” in Luling. That place is “feast city”! Their BBQ is the talk of town but not just their town! They are even known in Austin (50 miles away) and San Antonio (57 miles away)! The great news is that it’s only 11 miles from Roger’s place! Zowie! In fact, it’s close enough that I call the place Lunch-n-Back, Texas!

Our first encounter was about 12 or so years ago when Roger took us there for lunch and I’ve been hooked ever since. After tearing into their pile of BBQ brisket and sausages, I became a believer and big fan!

Oh, what a card he is or How to embarrass the Ol’ Rancher without half trying: The other day (when lots of things happen around here), we had to stop by the bank drive-through to crash (sic) a couple of checks and such. I hauled the debit card out of my wallet and sent it over for ID along with the checks. The speaker came alive again with “This is a Wendy’s card”. WHAT?! I took a quick look at Connie who was instantly enjoying this event far more than she should have been. I mean, laughing so hard you can’t breathe is entirely too much entertainment for an old granny, if you ask me. When she returned to her normal color, she was most gracious and stated, “Well, they are the same color and do look alike”. Thank you, dear. The nice young teller lady (who was probably laughing at the old dude in the van) sent the red card back and it was replaced with the other red card and all was well after that. *SIGH*

Weather or not: This has been a really nice summer and early fall. Normally, the daytime temps at Rancho Relaxo don’t fall below 95 degrees until the last week of September. Thanks to “El Niño”, our temps weren’t even close to that! Though we did have a few summer scorchers, all-in-all, it’s been great!

We’re cooling down now to very pleasant daytime temps in the mid-70’s. It makes working outside (of which there is no small amount to do) much easier. “Let it cool! Let it cool! Let it cool!”.

Rancho Pero Report or Doggin’ it: Abbie and Bella, the next-door neighbor’s bulldog, just can’t seem to see eye to eye, for some reason. Abbie had healed up well from their previous scrap. Then, for indeterminant reasons, they hooked up in battle again. Abbie showed up one evening and was seriously wounded again. She was treated and allowed to rest in the house as much as she wanted for a week or so until her wounds healed. They did heal very quickly and very well.

On one occasion, I happened to be in the back yard when Bella sprinted across the yard to attack Abbie. She was intercepted and run back home. Had I not been there, there would have been another nasty clash and Abbie would have gotten the worse of the deal.

I had a talk with the neighbor and we’ll both try to keep a watch on the situation.

A relative matter or Fuzz Daddy: It looks like I’ll need to consider Bella as part of the family now. Remember when Fuzzy recently had his coming-of-age moment with Bella? Guess who heard puppies yipping at the neighbor’s house the other day? Yep. Bella now has a litter of Doodle Dogs (or is it Bull Doodles?). Criminy! No one at the ranch is in a hurry to see what these pups look like! It just isn’t possible to imagine what such a mix looks like. We may have set a world record for ugly or weird dogs. Reckon it will become apparent in due season, though. At least they can honestly answer the question, “Who’s Your Daddy?”. We’re also hoping that there’ll be no “pup support” demanded of us. Wouldn’t that be interesting?

Well....there you have it: another short episode of the long happenings at Rancho Relaxo: home of Rancho Ran, the world's least-most greatest authority: home of the Yo-Yo  twins and home of a retarded duck: home of Connie the Canner, the world's greatest side-kook and CEE (Chief of Everything Else): where the air smells and where alliteration reigns supreme: where being modern is optional and where there are no slaves to fashion: where the eggs are always mostly fresh: where things can get...interesting: where it's all news to me and where...you just never know.

RANCHO SEPTEMBRE FRIO

 

You may click on the images to enlarge them.

Greetings and welcome to the "Rancho Relaxo" blog for September. Once again, we’re running a tad late with our post this month just like the previous few issues. We hope to cure this matter prior to the death of Santa Claus but, hey, who knows. And, like previously, there are lots of reasons for that but you will be spared most of them (it would help if I could get a week off around here). In any case, the Ol' Rooster and Ol' Hen just wanted to share what's happening here at our humble rancho nestled in the dry-as-toast foothills of the Sierra Nevada Mountains. Thanks to La Niña, and despite everything being "California Gold" in color, we have been having an exquisite summer that even included rain (which is almost unheard of in the summer!)! The daily high temps are almost like early May around here (though that is alternating with some real scorcher days)! Some of our highs are only in the 80's! Anyway, thanks for dropping in at the Rancho Relaxo global headquarters.

Well, we up and did it! We took a couple of days off from the ground squirrel races and headed to the beach at Mar Pacifico (Magellan really didn't have a clue)! Thankfully, it's only about 170 miles to get to the big water. That's "just around the corner" when you live in California. That's also a right fine distance so that you can get there in a timely fashion without being in a hurry. Of course, that means that you're fairly likely to get run over a few times while en route by those who live their life in a blur. We had to dodge a few blurry vehicles, let me tell you! 

Here is the Oceano Airport (L52). It's parked about 3 miles due south of Pismo Beach. We've flown in here a few times in a couple of Cessna 172's and a Piper Cherokee. In fact, for my very first cross country flight with passengers as a newly-minted private pilot, I chose this airport to fly too! This cool airport sits less than a half-mile from the beach so lots of folks fly in here on the weekend. They even have bicycles pilots can use for free! On one occasion in '99 when we camped at their private campground, they even taxied us to Pismo and back with no charge!

"The Sands Inn & Suites" on Monterey Street was a great place to stay in San Luis Obispo. It's "5 Stars" as far was we are concerned!

Gas was 4.79 in Springville/Porterville when we departed from home. The cheapest fuel we could find on the coast (without actually hunting a cheaper place down) was in Atascadero on the way home. 5.09 isn't a show stopper but I learned later from a friend that this county has the highest gas taxes in the state. 

I had heard about a steak house named "Jockos" in Nipomo (15 min. south of Pismo) for at least 25 years. It has been on my bucket list since that time. So, the ol' hungry rancher hauled himself and his hungry granny-wife down there for a feast. Despite the fact that the place was elbow-to-elbow and cheek-to-cheek packed (and was noisy as a sports bar on Thanksgiving Day), and despite the fact that they managed to configure a "medium" Spencer steak into one that looked like a "well done" steak, it was an enjoyable experience. I probably won't need to go for another 25 years or so (or until I get another bucket). 

This is a 3/4 replica of a 1917 Curtiss JN-4 "Jenny" biplane at the Oceano Airport. Cool, eh?!

This is the famous "Pismo Fish & Chips" in downtown Pismo (left and below). I haven't been here since '89 when I lived in Fresno. The food was good but it wasn't what I remembered it to be. You know how it is. When you only get to go somewhere once in a while, you don't want the experience to be just "OK". You want it to stick in your head like it was covered in "Gorilla Glue".

Good food. Hot food. Both are my friends!

The  place to the right is on the coast just north of downtown Pismo and at the end of a side street. I'm a wonderer and discoverer so I just sort of headed down a back street to see where it went. It led to here and my Nikon "Cool Pix" camera was at the ready and did its job. 

Downtown Pismo. Interesting parking, I'd say. It works well!

This is westbound Highway 46 on the way to the coast. The trees to the right side are pistachios. There are miles and miles of them! After I got home and could use "Google Maps", I counted at least 8 sections of trees! A section is one square mile! There was another 8-10 sections south of Lost Hills.  I didn't count the many thousands of acres of pistachios in the surrounding Kern, Tulare (where Rancho Relaxo is), and Kings Counties. We (CA) produce 99% of all pistachios in the nation and 80% of the world's pistachio supply (eat your heart out, Iraq!). And, in 2020, we planted 485,000 acres (probably more than all of Iraq). This nearly ties our walnut production. Reckon you could say that California is ...nutty. 

Here's a shot of pistachios in their native environment. 

We not only got to go to the coast, we also got to go to the modest burg of Hanford which is little over an hour west from where we live. We had to deliver a wrought iron patio set to some folks over there. There was enough time to stop off for a late lunch so here's the place that was picked: "Hong Kong Chop Suey" on 7th Street. The food was good but there were at least two other Chinese restaurants nearby that are going to be knocked over the next time Hanford is a destination. 

Hanford has a lot of friendly folks, too, and they are quite proud of their many dairies in that area. That's probably because Tulare County is the number one county in the nation for milk production. Their mottos is: "Come to Hanford and smell our dairy air!".  

Here's a shot of one of the many vineyards and many oak trees prior to getting to the coast itself. This picture was taken on Highway 41 between Atascadero and Shandon. It's about 20-25 or so (road) miles from Paso Robles. "Paso Robles" translates as "Oak Pass". Yes, we have lots of oak trees!

This is eastbound Hwy 41 just as it meets Hwy 46 at Shandon. I decided to take the back road since I hadn't taken this route since the '80's. It was a nice and wonderfully uncrowded route (read: it was entirely devoid of drivers who wanted to make Bakersfield's  "Channel 23 Action News" about the largest fiery car crash of the year)! No pain and no strain. That's the kind of driving preferred by these old folks. 

Here's the update on the "Let's Wreck Randy's Finger Nail" project. The black bruising has almost covered the entire nail area and there's a large hole at the bottom where the nail has separate from it's moorings. Swell. At least there doesn't seem to be an infection issue. 

No one here at the ranch is into nail art or large peep holes in their fingers so I reckon I'll just have to outgrow this matter and try to garner attention some other (and less painful) way. Guitar players hate to have their fingers busted up. 

Abbie is back on her game and has rebounded spectacularly after her two bouts with over-classed enemies. She wanted us to know it by displaying her latest trophy. Good girl, Abbie! Abbie - 1; Fuzzer - 0.

A word from our sponsor:

This issue of Rancho Relaxo is brought to you by "Rowdy Rhonda’s Rounded Roddy Roodies." Now, these are the best Rounded Roddy Roodies that money can buy! They're made right here in the US of A. You cannot...I say...you cannot get a better Rounded Roddy Roody anywhere! You can get your bountiful supply of "Rowdy Rhonda’s Rounded Roddy Roodies" at the Wal-Mart, KMART, Speedy Mart, Rapid Mart, Quick Mart, and all those marts where them guys have those towels wrapped around their heads. Tell'em the Ol' Rancher sent you. You'll be glad you did!

Tip of the Day: You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose. But, you just can’t pick your friend’s nose.

What on earth?! Here we are in September and there's no slowing down! We're headed for a new year that will be here in no more time than it takes to track a coon, skin him, tack and tan his hide down and make it into a hat (the dogs  won't get coon chili this time). If that don't beat the band, there's only 105 days until Christmas! Yikes!! Moving along....

Coasting: We did it! We finally took…a day off (two days, actually)!! It felt weird (I think the ground may have even shook a bit) but it was swell to get out of the Valley for a couple of days and go get  coddled in the cool climes of the coast. It’s great that it’s only a 3 hour drive to get there, too!

We didn’t have a lengthy itinerary because we didn’t have but two days to work with. That does lighten the mental work load and that, after all, was part of the reason we headed over there in the first place. But, finding something interesting wasn't difficult at all.

SLO: Our lodging had been scouted out on the Internet prior to our departure. So, we checked in as soon as we hit town. That town is San Luis Obispo which is one of the most beautiful cities in California (and they have a super airport, too!). We weren't in a hurry so Tojo, the Camry (which gets considerably better gas mileage than the Coop de Ville), was unloaded at our leisure. 

Our home for two nights was the "The Sands Inn & Suites"" on Monterey Street not far off the 101. Because of the time of the year being what it is, we thought that they would be charging "summer rates". That wasn't the case at all. Instead, their rates were actually fairly modest and about that same as that well-known motel that has a huge "6" on it's sign. You know the one; it rents teensy rooms for large prices and offers only lousy coffee for breakfast (the only high point being that it's hot coffee and not tepid). I can't speak for anyone else but I don't plan on paying for a "6" when I  can get an "8"  with breakfast for the same price. I will never go to one again unless there isn't another motel within twenty miles (and farther one can even be partially burned down, for all I care).  

Our room, with a single queen bed (we're royalty, don'tcha know), was at least as large as the "Super 8's" and Econo-Lodges. We were quite pleased and even impressed. The staff were quite professional yet personable and helpful. And, if that isn't enough to burp your Tupperware, they had a great breakfast tossed in! In the (sorta) words of my good friend Arnie, "We'll be back". 

After unloading and resting a bit, we headed out for some sight seeing and seeing of the sea and seeing some sights, we did see such. San Luis Obispo is just plain pretty. You can't quite get enough of this place so you just drive around and soak it all in the best you can. That's what happened. The camera was in high gear and snapping left and right as we drove through and about the town. It was great! 

Our late morning snack had long since perished so our fuel tanks were empty. So, it was time to seek some real food. It's only about 13 miles to Pismo from SLO and that's where we went. The hope was to kick off the R&R with some fresh hot fish and chips at "Pismo Fish & Chips" in downtown Pismo. 

We rolled up, parked, and walked over to the restaurant only to find the place closed on Mondays. Boy, that speedily reduced my endorphin rush to a crawl. Ah, but we're old people and old people have options and aren't about to starve to death on purpose. "Let's go to Jocko's", Connie tendered. "Great idea!", says I, who was more than ready to give her a second pair of angel's wings for that excellent suggestion! Off we went! Nipomo is only about seven miles south of Pismo so it was a sure thing that we weren't going to faint from hunger before we got there. 

"Jocko's": Rolling up to "Jocko's" was much different than rolling up to "Pismo Fish & Chips". The parking lot was packed...on a Monday evening! When inside, we were greeted and asked if we had a reservation. I said, "Sure. It's outside of Porterville a few miles. They even have a casino". After the pleasantries (and after not getting smacked for trying to be a comedian), the nice lady smilingly advised that there would be a 45 minute wait. Great. My guts are grumbling and I'm drowning in saliva from being ensconced in the soul-swooning aroma of at least 50 grilled steaks. Of course, it was our...day off...so, certainly we could tough it out. A few moments later she stated that, if the folks who had scheduled a reservation didn't make it or cancelled in the next few minutes, we could have their spot. Guess what? They did cancel and we were ushered right in! I dang near showed them how to do my version of a happy dance and a moon walk right then and there! Zowie!

After an expected wait time, we were served. The meal was really good but I'm only going to give "Four Stars" this time. I ordered a "medium" steak and got a "well done" one. It's not a show stopper but I would think that, after almost a hundred years in business, they should know how to cook a steak. Also, their "pinquito beans" are of some renown. However, I've had "Santa Maria Pinquitos" (Santa Maria is only five miles south of Nipomo) and they were fabulous. "Jocko's" beans were OK but far from fabulous. So, they're one star short this go around. Nevertheless. We left stuffed and happy as a Pismo clam at high tide and not once did the Ol' Rancher have to be rebuked for his indecorous eating style. "Jocko’s" is our friend.

“Pismo Fish and Chips”: The next day, after our swell breakfast wore off and after cruising around awhile, we headed back over to Pismo for lunch. I couldn't believe it had been a quarter century since I had last had lunch there. Crazy. The good news is that we were the second guests at that time. It was quiet in there ! Our meal would be eaten in peace! I'm not sure how to explain it but food seems to taste better to me if there isn't a 90db+ noise level to contend with. There's no convincing me that the human digestive system needs to rely on a high wattage sonic element for assistance.

We were attended to promptly by a courteous young waiter who made us feel welcomed and who took our order. 

Some thought was given to just emptying their fish and fries supply but I thought better of it. Regardless of the size of my eyes, most of it would have ended up being taken back to camp for later. But, I don't do cold floppy fries very well (and I didn't bring our air fryer with us). That and the fact that my stomach seems to have shrunk up a bit since my "practicing to be a hungry wolf" days in my youth. The ever trusty old-man's wisdom overrode the notoriously unwise and faulty hunger lusting. I settled for the two piece lunch and wasn't even close to being hungry afterwards. 

The food was good but, again, it was a "four stars" meal. I wasn't disappointed because the food was hot (something that is a must for me) and the service was really good. However, a few years ago, I knocked over the fish and chips at "The Dutchman" in Morro Bay and they hit it out of the park. But, it was nevertheless a great "blast from the past" experience and there are no regrets about it. 

The Long and Winding Road: After two days of "un-laxing" and just lazing about taking pictures and doing as we pleased, we headed back home but on Highway 41. It had been a long time since I had taken Highway 41 back from Atascadero to Highway 46 (1988, as I recall). We usually just jazz up to Paso and take 46 through Wasco then further east where it intersects Highway 65 about 12 miles north of Oildale (about 95 miles from point to point). 

46 intersects 41 coming down from Fresburg (sic) and that's where actor James Dean was killed on Sept. 30, 1955. There's a monument at Cholame a tad more than a mile west of the intersection. 41 is somewhat winding but it's a very scenic route and has far less traffic. Plus, it's about 4 miles shorter. It was a good call. 

Once home, we crashed and put the old folks to bed early. We'll need to do this again....soon (including putting the old folks to be early). 

 Count your blessings or Load'em up, boys!: The other day, the neighbors directly across the street from us had a big estate/moving sale. Well, you just know that the Ol' Rancher and Connie the Canner weren't going to let that sale get away! It was a huge barn/garage/shop sale (otherwise known as your basic "guy sale"). 

The folks in charge were from Visalia and were as nice as could be. They were so nice, in fact, that they were almost throwing stuff at us! Seriously! If we wanted something, they would toss in something else for free (when people throw free things at you, don't duck!) We ended up with tools, a metal framed carport (our next greenhouse), a crossbow, lots of shop peripherals, steel shelving, two large 6' x 3' sturdy wooden bookshelf style storage units, rifle cleaning supplies, vintage camping coffee pots, fishing tackle, and a huge list of miscellany. The price tag? A hundred bucks!  And, while we were loading the two large wooden shelves, the guy threw in two nice 20" oscillating stand fans! 

There were just two items of the two "Wooly Pully" trailer loads of goodies (plus, the back of the van was loaded) that were worth at least that much!! We're still counting our blessings because we still don't know what all we have!!

Speaking of such things, not long ago (but longer than the other day), we were at another estate sale. The folks there didn't want to hassle with a large box of "N gauge" and "O gauge" model electric train track, engines, rolling stock, power packs, and diorama supplies. He said he'd take twenty bucks for all of it if I wanted it. Sho' nuff, I wanted it! Just the track that I saw was worth that much! There was a new power pack, too! After inventorying it all, most of it was posted on eBay. Two listings brought in 120.00. Not bad at all. The diorama parts and pieces will be dealt with later. 

Poo! Poo! Who’s got the doo?! Fuzzy do! That’s who!: My doggies! *SIGH*. Fuzzy is one sharp four-legged rag mop, I’m tellin’ you. He's a quick learner and could probably handle some light homework. So, it’s difficult to comprehend how he could sometimes also be a really dumb four-pawed, forty pound, hank of mindless and inconsiderate fur.  

The other day (when lots of things happen around here), it was "feed the doggies" time. So, out the Ol' Rancher goes at about 7AM to open up a couple of cans of dog chow for his furry buddies. But, what before his blurry eyes should appear on his patio but a large pile of doggie doo that, if not mindful, you could stumble over! Since there aren't any animals big enough to do such a doo other than the cows that do what they do in the neighbor's pasture, there was only one suspect: Fuzz Ball, himself. He has all of outdoors in which to do his number two but, such a thing, he did not do. Just what can you do?

Now, I don't mind cleaning up a little doo from time to time but not on my patio and not when you need a front loader. Reckon the Ol' Rancher has a new job on his hands: patio-breaking his goofy pooch. Great. Just what he needs: a job as a doggie doo guru (*SIGH* number two). 

Well....there you have it: another short episode of the long happenings at Rancho Relaxo: home of Rancho Ran, the world's least-most greatest authority: home of the Yo-Yo  twins and home of a retarded duck: home of Connie the Canner, the world's greatest side-kook and CEE (Chief of Everything Else): where the air smells and where alliteration reigns supreme and where there's a homophone in the offing: where being modern is optional and where there are no slaves to fashion: where the eggs are always mostly fresh: where things can get...interesting: where it's all news to me and where...you just never know.

RANCHO MUY MUCHO AUGUSTO

                                                     CLICK ON PICS TO ENLARGE

Greetings and welcome to the "Rancho Relaxo" blog for August. Once again, we’re running late with our post this month just like the previous few issues. And, like previously, there are lots of reasons for that but you will be spared most of them (it would help if I could get a day off around here). In any case, the Ol' Rooster and Ol' Hen just wanted to share what's happening here at our humble rancho nestled in the dry-as-toast foothills of the Sierra Nevada Mountains. Thanks to La Niña, and despite everything being "California Gold" in color, we have been having an exquisite summer! The daily high temps are almost like April and early May around here (though that is alternating with some real scorcher days)! Thanks for dropping in at the Rancho Relaxo global headquarters.

I doubt if there are but few things that will keep the younger folks' attention than a baby chick. Our grandkiddies were entertained for the best part of two days with them! This chick's new name is "Hugo". 

To the right is a  picture of our young pup, Fuzzy (aka Fuzz Dawg). It is little wonder that he's no longer a lap dog in the shop. 

Here's Fuzzy playing dead after being "defeated" by Abbie, the princess ruler of the Rancho. Earlier, she let him defeat her (see picture below). It was great to see her back to her old self again and romping with Fuzz Ball. She was out of sorts for a few weeks while healing up after being mauled by a bobcat and a bulldog. Romping wasn't on her agenda. 

It's hot and dry around here during the summer but it is still a pretty place.

The flood made a mess of the River Island Golf Course which is only about a mile from our place. This is the bridge that crossed the Tule River. They recently declared bankruptcy so it remains to be seen just what will happen. Lots of sad folks around these parts. 

Another shot of the not-so-green fairway. 

Connie the Canner has normal hearing abilities which appears rather like super-human hearing when compared to mine. My hearing has been compromised by years of sirens, guns, airplanes, music, and tractor driving (heavy equipment/earth movers). That means that when I use the steamer/foaming wand on my espresso machine, it is an unbearable torture for her. Here's the solution to that issue. It's an all-in-one heating and foaming device. How cool is that?! It does a nifty job of heating the milk and foaming the milk but is almost as quiet as a mouse! She loves it so it gets to stay (and so do I!). They retail  for 39.95 but we got this one (new in the box) at a yard sale for....get this...10 bucks! Zowie!

This is one of the latest taco trucks in Porterville. It's on the SE corner of the intersection of Plane and E. Date. It's next to the old Warnke's Pharmacy (which is now an Arab Smoke Shop) which abuts "Big Brand Tires". 

This beauty is a like-new 26" 7 speed Schwinn "City" series, "Addison" model. They retail for 349.95 (depending upon where you shop, of course). We were dumbstruck when were driving from a client's house (at River Island Golf Course) and saw this gorgeous bike sitting along the curb with a "FREE" sign on it. I reckon everyone knows that FREE is our friend at Rancho Relaxo! It didn't take any time at all to hoist this thing into the back of the Coop de Ville and head home with it! I rode it (and didn't fall off, by golly!) and it runs like new! It ain't broke! It's like new!! The little rubber nubbies area still on the tires!!! We could hardly believe it!! There was a "for sale" sign out front so we assumed that the nice folks who lived there just didn't have time or room to deal with it. WE DID! PTL!!

Well...it was bound to happen again at some point in time. That point was the not long ago. This guy showed up on the back porch. You just know that Connie the Canner doesn't allow reptiles in her world even if they are just visiting. It was rendered headless with a long-handled Rancho hole digger. I need a nice hatband but just  don't have time to tan the dang thang. 

Well….it’s August…again. I’m inclined to think that the distance from earth to the sun has been shortened which has resulted in our years getting closer together. Years are now seemly lapsing about every six months or so. I could be wrong; they could be lapsing every three months or so. In either case, we need to petition the Lord about this matter because something ain’t right. It’s only 132 days until Christmas! Hokey Smoke! Moving along…Here’s the latest from our benevolent dictatorship.

But first, a word from our sponsor:

This issue of Rancho Relaxo is brought to you by "Winsome Wendy’s Wonderful Whipple Whapples". Now, these are the best Wonderful Whipple Whapples that money can buy! They're made right here in the US of A. You cannot...I say...you cannot get a better Wonderful Whipple Whapple anywhere! You can get your bountiful supply of "Winsome Wendy’s Wonderful Whipple Whapples"at the Wal-Mart, KMART, Speedy Mart, Rapid Mart, Quick Mart, and all those marts where them guys have those towels wrapped around their heads. Tell'em the Ol' Rancher sent you. You'll be glad you did!

Rancho tip of the day:

“He who tooteth not his own horn, of the same is he not tooted”

Break-feast: don’tcha know that the old folks around here can get a good case of the “hongries” without much assistance. We usually placate our hunger with healthy grub like cereal and such (we are, as a fact, “cereal killers” around here). But, on some occasions, our stomach and lust for good food simply overrides our intellect and modest diet and we go hog wild for some good ol’ pig meat with a side of grease.

And, whereas we have farm-fresh eggs, there’s simply no good reason for us to not eat these luscious, rich, tasty cackle berries. We also have a nice supply of breads which, when toasted, soak up real butter oh, so well. So, since we couldn’t find any reasons to not have a big breakfast (not that we searched all that hard), we just built ourselves a big ol’ feast!

It wasn’t exotic at all. In fact, it was a basic as you can get: bacon, eggs, toast, and coffee. Ah, but you just know that this is Rancho Relaxo and things (even breakfast) around here can get…interesting.

First off, we didn't whomp up a side of bacon; we whomped up a load of bacon. There was none of the “two strips, please” stuff. That is, except for Connie the Canner who insists on being a human and eating in moderation (reckon you can tell whose big idea this was). Being the good husband that I am, I didn’t protest at all (noting that the other 4/5 of a pound was all mine!).

All went well and all of the good grub was scarfed down as proficiently as any scarfing professional could do. We should have had some good gravy to go with the good grub but someone was in a hurry to get his teeth in action. I thought I had done a pretty good job and was mildly pleased with myself when I was finished. Connie weighed in on the matter: “Thanks for leaving the flowers on the plate, hon”,

Fuzzy Wuzzy Report: I must say that I keep loving this goofy pooch more and more as he matures into an intelligent furry buddy and a pal. He’s fun loving and still a romping pup but he’s also starting to be a great guard dog. Of course, he doesn’t want anyone to know that he has a large yellow stripe down the middle of his back which would betray his very frightening “big dog” bark. Bless his heart.

He’s put the fear of God in a couple of folks so far. But, they surely weren’t the ones we wanted to leave a huge pile of excrement on our driveway. We will, no doubt, need to take pains to make sure that Fuzzball knows exactly who the “friendlies” are around here or our business may wain to an unwelcomed degree.

Anyway, if we do happen to find an unexpected monstrous malodorous mound or mess in our driveway or around the house, we know that Fuzzball is doing his job. There’s no mistaking his bark because it echoes off the mountain behind us. He gets their attention.

He’s also getting used to our new technique for keeping him cool during our blazing summer days (which have been amazingly few, as of late). It’s actually easy and a concept that has been around for probably ten thousand years. He gets showered down with cold water and, because he’s wearing a large carpet on his back, he becomes a four-legged swamp cooler. Can’t seem to get short-haired Abbie, the princess coon doggie, enthused about it yet but she may come around if the temps creep up to 110 or so.

Princess Abbie Report: It’s hard to imagine how fast Abbie has healed up! I’ve not seen such a thing! It’s difficult to tell that she had been so brutally injured only a few weeks ago! There’s only a couple of small areas whose scars are still vanishing more every day. Amazing!

The only thing that has changed is her attitude. She seems to be quite a bit more protective of the Ol’ Rancher and way less tolerant of both Fuzzy and Pedro, the neighbor’ cute, white, boisterous, pup. She keeps them in line when they weren’t even out of line that I could tell. Who knows.

She’s quite a bit more plaintive about getting fed, too. When she knows that the chow hall is open, she begins to demand her share of the meal first (and in no uncertain terms). Of course, it has to be remembered that she is a princess, don’tcha know. So, just how can you deny a dandy doughty dauntless coon-doggie from being first in line for breakfast?   

Grandkiddies Galore! or We got grandkids!: It had been about three years since we’ve seen the Howden family. They moved from Torrance  to a suburb of Houston but came up to visit prior to their departure to Texas. That was our last time to see them. We were shocked to see who much they’d grown (it’s amazing what happens when you feed kids!)!

Hubby, Dan, had to fly to San Francisco for business so the rest of the family rented a car and headed downstate to see family and friends. The older three siblings stayed in Texas to tend to their jobs and so it was just the younger set who got to come west. We’ve made a note so see if we can go east soon to see them and the rest of the family in Abilene and San Antonio (and, hopefully, OK)…soon!

The stars of the show were the baby chicks. We hadn’t actually planned to have them in large box in the living room. That was something that we had told ourselves we wouldn’t do again because of the smell (I mean, just who wants their living room to smell like a chicken coop, eh?). However, this is Rancho Relaxo, after all. And, you just never know. The kids never tired of holding the chicks. They even named a few of them (“Hugo” sounds like a good name for a baby bird, I guess). It'll help the chicks get a bit more tamed and that's a good thing. 

It was great to spend a full day and evening with them and then have breakfast the next morning prior to their departure. But, all too soon, it was “huggies all around” then time to go. We all had a great time, of course. But, when Trixie and the kids were ready to depart, Connie excused herself explaining that she needed to grab a handkerchief because she was a bit teary because of not being able to see them again for awhile. Being the practical and helpful hubby that I am, I told her to “get a mop” (I just wanted to be a blessin’). She was sort of amused but I'm still going to look for a bear trap in the shower. 

Wired or Who put that there?: The other day (when lots of things happen around here), the ol’ tractor driver mounted his genuine Sears Craftsman “Excellerator GT” riding lawn tractor and got ready to take down the thriving jungle in our front yard. All went well until the blades were engaged and the engine instantly died. That was..interesting..given that it was fully functional the previous time  it was used. There was no recall at all of having any issue at all (other than an infrequent reluctance of the PTO clutch to engage).

The big whacker was driven up on a single ramp so the underside of the deck could be inspected. Lo and behold, there was a long strand of barbed wired very (and I mean very) tightly wound around two of the three spindles. Well…that made my day. 

 Make note that a 26 hp Kohler motor can do a great job of tightening barbed wire or anything else.

There was no time to address the issue for a couple of days but when it was time to tackle the task, things got ugly. For one thing, somebody picked one of the hottest days of the week to work on his tractor (the guy isn’t known for his brilliance). That made things pretty uncomfortable. Hot metal and flesh really don't mix well and the tractor had half the day to soak up the degrees and become a high-end heat sink. 

Then, there just wasn’t a lot of room to deal with because it still wasn't very high off the ground and the deck braces and the blade were in the way. Swell. Add to that the wire was so tightly wound that it took monumental effort to wrench enough slack in it to be able to pry it open so it could be cut. Even with a hefty pair of linemen’s pliers, it wasn’t possible to cut through both strands so a huge amount of energy was expended prying the wire apart so it could be cut. That stuff is tuff and it's awfully difficult to cut even a single strand.

Finally, after 30 minutes of whacked knuckles, broken fingernails, abraded skin, groaning, grunting, and a completely wasted and baked mechanic, the job of untangling just one of the blades was accomplished. Just one. The other will have to wait until someone repairs the mechanic (reckon, I'll call it the “mechanic recovery program”). Stay tuned for the next issue by which time El Wrencho at the rancho should be finished untangling things. I’m pretty sure it will be finished otherwise no one will be able to see our house for the jungle.

Update regarding updating: the Ol’ Rancher has been publishing a monthly newsletter intermittently since 1998 or so. The preferred software has always been MS Office Word and Publisher. The original version used was Office 97which was then upgraded to 2002 (still my favorite for its ease of use). Later, it was 2007, 2010 (the old faithful), and 2013 (which I didn’t like and retrograded to 2010).

Not long ago (but longer than the other day), 2010 was acting up; I just don't have time for such time wasting and distracting things.  Thankfully, an opportunity to get 2021 at a discount arose so it was purchased and installed. Actually, my first thought was that I wasn’t going to like it (based on my experience with 2013 which I hated but don't remember particularly why at the moment). They must have refined the thing because I’m now using it without pulling any teeth or hair. It’s running fast and smoothly. It’s my friend.

Calling all Luddites! Calling all Luddites! Now hear this! Air Fryers are our friends!!: If you are ready to listen, they are not, I repeat, they are not a commie plot like I was telling y’all!! Here at the old folk’s home, we have at least two air fryers (we’re still looking for the third one that we put in a “safe place”). One of these (a brand new one!) has been left forlornly and unused on the shelf for at least three years. In any case, we have never used an air fryer here at the ranch! Talk about being “behind the times”! Anyway, that lapse of lucidity has come to an abrupt end. We plugged the big baby in and turned it on. 

 Connie, the Side Kook of all trades, hauled a dead chicken out of the freezer, thawed it and said, "Here, cook this". Since it only had a few buttons, there wasn't much to dread about the matter. The intrepid rancher solidly parked the whole chicken on the rack and assailed the buttons (all three of them) without timidity. The timer was set and the "Go" button was pushed. 

When the timer went off (we had to flip the chicken at the half-way point), we just had to try it! It smelled wonderful! We each took a chunk and were amazed! The meat just fell off the bone and the skin was crisp! It was almost like someone had smuggled in a “Costco” rotisserie chicken into our kitchen!! Guess who filled his belly with chicken to the top button of his shirt?! This thing instantly endeared itself to us! The old folks now have another new friend!

Glutenous Gallo Report: Our baby birds are doing thriving and doing great! They are about as hungry as a Pratt & Whitney R-4360 radial engine at take off power! The original three feral chicks are now on their own in the general population and are growing up fast. The four that we had in the small hutch on the back porch are now in the large cage in the coop in which the feral birds were housed. They, too, are growing and doing well. The latest batch of birdies are now in the hutch on the back porch and no longer in the large box in the living room (and our house no longer smells like a chicken factory!). It won’t be long until they will be out in the cage in the coop, too.

 Flooding?! Flooding?! We don’t need no stinking flooding! or Abandon coop! : What look are you supposed to have on your face when you enter your chicken coop in the middle of summer…..have had no rain in months…..the back yard  hasn’t been irrigated in a long long time…..and the entire coop is flooded? It took a couple of seconds for the Ol' Rancher's posi-traumic brain to register what was happening. Talk about a surprise!

Thankfully, this scenario had played out before but it took a second for it to register. Someone left the sprinklers on out back in the oranges (reckon, I’ll fire him if I find him). The area got saturated and the runoff made a bee line to our coop. So, with wading boots installed, the Ol’ Rancher stomped out back and turned off the sprinklers. No doubt the oranges thought they were going to drown!

To the dump, to the dump, to the dump, dump, dump!: Every now and again, Rancho Relaxo needs its garbage hauled off to the local transfer station (aka “the dump”) about a mile away. We must be mighty trashy people because it doesn’t take long to fill Wooly Pully above the gunnels with our refuse.

After tarping everything down (required or they add an extra 5 fee for uncovered trash), it was “off to the dump we go”. Off-loading was the usual non-event but things were odd from there. When it was time to pay the dump master (what else do you call him?), there had been a change. The previous guy was no longer minding the dumpster. The younger replacement asked, “Do you need a receipt?” to which I answered no and readied to turn around and resume my day of recovering from being the Rancho Trashman. I immediately noticed that he didn’t fill out the dump registry/log. Nothing was said but I knew he had skimmed the money for himself. He would only have to do that a few times per day and he would be driving a new pickup before long.

There were a couple of pickups waiting their turn (there’s just not a lot of room at our tiny transfer station) so I stopped and advised them always ask for a receipt and told them why. C’est las vie.

Well....there you have it: another short episode of the long happenings at Rancho Relaxo: home of Rancho Ran, the world's least-most greatest authority: home of the Yo-Yo  twins and home of a retarded duck: home of Connie the Canner, the world's greatest side-kook and CEE (Chief of Everything Else): where the air smells and where alliteration reigns supreme: where being modern is optional and where there are no slaves to fashion: where the eggs are always mostly fresh: where things can get...interesting: where it's all news to me and where...you just never know.