RANCHO SCORCHO HEATO

 

Hey, Y'all!! Welcome to the Rancho Relaxo Report for August! Lots of things happening this past month. And, it's been HOT around here, too! Thankfully, so far, it's not been as hot as it was last year. We've even had some rain! That included a flash flood warning for this area and that's a first! ER-ER-ER-ER-ERRRRRRRR!

"Say! How comes you are always calling me a dirty dog, eh?!" Leave it to Abbie to ruin a good wash job. 

I have to admit...Abbie does get creative when trying to detect nefarious, ne'er do well, no good-niks. This is her "legs, tail, and ear antenna" reception position. She probably won't miss much. Good girl! 

Have you ever had a dog try to "help" you while you are repairing a hose? I haven't either. Missy was in need of a "little" attention. Her idea of "little" is "Gimme all you got!". She plopped down in the middle of my work and I knew that this pretty girl dog wasn't going to take "No" for an answer. So, work was put on hold  so Missy could be the center of attention for a while. She turned into a big ol' sponge.

Here's the Ol' Rancher and Connie the Canner with this week's haul from "Falling Prices". It took her a week to find a place for everything! 

It's that time of year where we have to pay attention to our environment. We've had a few rattlers in our yard over the years. 

Here's the "Bluesy Brothers". The brother on the left is long time friend and brother (60 years is a long time, eh?), Gene Sales. He recently returned home to this area. Though we have corresponded for many years, it's been a grand time getting reacquainted in person! 

Gene taking pictures of Success Lake. 

A cool yard sale find! It's a like-new "Dorothy" cold coffee brewer. It only takes a few minutes (instead of all day) to cold brew your coffee with this handy gadget. They retail for 42.26 but we got it for 5 bucks. 

Another super find is this "Ronco" "Ready Grill". It's basically a large toaster. It retails for 39.99 but we got it new-in-the-box for...get this...3 dollars!

Here's our new coolerator. She's a 22 cu. ft. beaut! We hope to salvage the other box because it hasn't quite croaked yet. We couldn't take any chances so we bought a new one. We'll see. 

Our grapes are starting to ripen and should "sugar up" shortly. 

Holy moly! It’s August already! We’re traveling through time at what seems like warp speed! Didn’t January 2022 just get here? There must be something wrong with my Flux Capacitor! I need to talk to Doc Brown about this!

Helpful hint of the month from Chef John (YouTube): “Never buy your eggs at the same place you buy your motor oil”.

 

Mister Minnick  or Let Us Spray:

The temps have turned brutal around here (106 degrees is brutal) and we didn’t want any baked chickens. So, Connie, the headmaster of the “Cool Clucks Clan”, determined that, if Elsie, “Carnation’s” contented cow, can give great milk, then our peck-a-saurs need to be contented to give great eggs. So we sauntered into “Lowe’s” and picked up a mister hose for the dirty birds at the Huevos Hotel.

Things seemed to be going fine for a little while until the nozzles plugged up (they’re only a pin hole in size). But, for a short while, it was so comfortable that they were all gathering on top of the hutch in the coop and having a kaffeeklatsch (well, so it seemed)!

This unwelcomed glitch forced some extra thought as for a resolution to this clogging matter so that our birdies wouldn’t have their gooses cooked.

The current thought was to order a mister kit with extra nozzles from Amazon. They showed up in two days but have been resting and unmolested while even higher priorities assailed the Ol’ Rancher.

Thankfully, we don’t have any scorched feathers because the weather didn’t rise to the expected oven temperatures. We even got some rain! That means that, on my next day off (uh-huh), I can re-rig the mister water line and flush or replace the nozzles. The line actually needs to be moved over to the windward side because the (really) light mist was being blown over the chickens (and only fell on the hutch). Maybe if I put my running shoes on I can dash out there and git’r done when/if I can find a few spare moments, eh?

Heap Big Deals - Big Chief Pinching Nickle and Squaw Squeezing Dime have been making great headway at “Falling Prices” and keep hitting it big! It’s been awhile since we’ve been in love and all shook up like this (Thanks, Elvis!).

 You may have a difficult time of trying to wrap your head around some of the astounding deals we’ve been getting lately. For example (and for reasons that I can’t really explain), there are loads of expensive dietary supplements and other nutraceuticals available. Many of these deals are just too good to pass up so we didn’t pass them up; we loaded up on them.

One of the most outrageous of them all was a special supplement that retails for (gulp!) 60 dollars and we paid 25 cents for it! Others ranged from a few dollars to 15 and even 20 dollars each! It did help to have a general working knowledge of some of it (which it appeared to us that most of the other shoppers/divers didn’t have). In any event, it appears that all of our body organs will soon be rejoicing at all of the great gobs of gel caps and plenteous piles of pills we’re flooding them with. I can almost feel the waters of the Fountain of Youth now. Yeah, buddy! At this rate, our immune system will resemble Superman's before long! 

Another special deal was a small electronic adapter that you wouldn’t think would retail for more than 3 dollars at Wal-Mart. I snatched it up and brought it home where I looked it up on the Internet. Do you suppose that the Ol’ Rancher was floored when he found out that the little gadget he purchased for a quarter retailed for 40 dollars?! Oh, yeah!

Most of these fabulous deals are found on the bottom of the bays. These smaller items stay covered up until most to the larger goods are hauled off. Then, some really great nuggets are produced. Other of these items are expensive but you have no idea what they are! Seriously! It’s almost exasperating since you know that they are worth up to fifty bucks or more (because of the size and quality) but you don’t even know what they are! Sometimes you can tell but it just isn't expedient to bring it home. You simply can't store everything when there is a dump truck load of stuff to deal with. 

 “Sale’ing” - This is not to say that the great deals at “Falling Prices” have quenched our penchant for yard sales: not at all. We keep stumbling into super deals all of the time. And, boy! Did we ever knock one out of the park! We went to a nearby moving sale which was next door to another moving sale (moving sales are our friends!).There were lots of nice (and cheap) goodies at both of them so we loaded up! But, the real ribbon getter was a brand new still-in-the-box “RONCO” “Ready Grill”. I would have gladly leaped at the deal for ten dollars but the big sign on the grill read, $3.00!! Looks like we can keep the ol’ “Fry–O-Matic” deep fryer parked for now and use this (mostly) grease free cooking device.

It works like a large toaster that cooks evenly on both sides. . You plug it in and stuff things in it and the fat/grease falls to a small pan in the bottom. We haven’t lit it up yet but are waiting for the right time to give it a whirl.

The only problem I can see is that I wasn’t smart enough to invent the thing and make a million dollar selling them.

At another sale, we picked up a new-in-the –package set of broadhead hunting arrowheads for 5 bucks. I immediately posted them on eBay and, within a few days, turned the fin into a 15 dollar profit! Yahoo!

The Frigid Air Man or I only have ice for you (thank you Rocky and Bullwinkle) – Around the ranch, we try to maintain certain modern standards such as running water, indoor toilets and (at least) a swamp cooler (you can bet that the “ON” buttons for the big A/C units are always handy).

Also, one of the things I’ve noted around that ranch is that, if the lady of the house’s modern kitchen appliances are working well, the milk flows easily around here (if you get my drift). That means that another “must have” is a fully-functioning fridge.

So, when an ice box no longer gets cold, our attention span increases significantly as we are about to lose some of our food. Food loss is kept to a minimum around here so when our trusty-turned-untrustworthy 22 cu ft refrigerator began losing its cool, so did we!

Thankfully, its chill began to wane slowly as opposed to the “young” (5 years old) freezer that simple croaked and made hot air instead of cold. That was a huge scramble session, I want you to know! Old people don’t usually move that fast but, somehow, we saved most of our frozen goods.

Anyway, after shopping around online, we found that “Lowe’s” had just exactly what we wanted. And, it was in stock, too! So, we hooked up Wooly Pully and headed to “Lowe’s” the next day.

When we got it home, the Ol’ Cool Rancher had to swap the doors over and get the shelves installed. A couple of days later, the icemaker was installed. All went well and the installation was without any leaks. Icemakers are our friends! 

Connie the Fridge Queen spent a couple of days hustling food from one box to the other. That was fun. After all was racked, stacked, and packed in the new ice box, she felt like she had just lost the national bull riding competition!

Our shiny new fridge was made complete after she covered most of it with a ton of those magnet thingies that grandmothers park on their ice boxes. The old one will be tested so see if it is still useable. If not, we know what to do with it.

Coffee is our Friend or Pick a Pot of “Pete’s”  - After having strip mined “Falling Prices” of their incredibly cheap coffee selection (paying .25 for a 10.00 bag of coffee is cheap!), it is easy (and fun) around here to sample all kinds and types of tasty coffee. If the Ol’ Rancher desires a hot  latte’, he has but to light up the espresso machine, crack open a pod of Starbuck’s, pull the trigger, and, in no time, his set of liquid jumper cables are ready! If he just needs a good ol’ cup of mud, he just pulls the Keurig brew rig out and has at it.

If the electricity happens to go out (which it won’t because the big “Generac” residential generator is at the ready) or just for grins, the Moka Pot is also on standby status on the shelf. Believe it or not, it makes a great cup of coffee! 

If there is no more coffee and all the pots are gone, then there’s some instant coffee that snuck its way into the back of the garage. Most likely, though, it will only be used for killing gophers and ground squirrels in a post-apocalyptic environment. 

One of the many brands and kinds are selected and sampled first thing in the morning. There’s a lot of decaf  “Major Dickenson’s Blend” and lots of “Pete’s” decaf espresso roast that gets consumed during the day. That way, there isn’t an issue with making it to bed on time.

This fosters a memory of being in Juarez, Mexico. It was difficult for me to understand why I couldn't find a cup of freshly brewed coffee anywhere (with the understanding that I didn't canvas the entire town for coffee). Only instant coffee was served. That was in 2000 so much may have changed. 

Talking Trash or Way to go, Radio: It’s no secret that things are a bit different around here (OK…maybe two bits different). You just never know what’s going to happen at any given time. The talking trash bag was a new one for us. 

The other day (when lots of things happen around here), one of our little Baofeng BF-888 handy talkies (or walkie -talkie, if you please) was missing. Because they are so important, there are three on hand, three on the charger, and a couple of them are kept on hand for spares (yes...they are that cheap). But, when a charger is empty, it’s time to go looking for the compact 440mhz transceiver.

After a quick search around the place and the van, it appeared to be quite lost. That wasn’t the first time we’ve lost a radio so no thought was given because they almost always show up in a day or two (except for the time my riding mower chewed one up for lunch).

The next afternoon, as the trash hauling chore was being performed, I heard the radio calling out, “Please change battery” (a built-in vocal notification that you’re battery is low). All BF-888’s do that so, when it started talking, the hunt was over. Well, it was almost over.

The problem was that I couldn’t get a fix on the bloody thing! It was obvious that it was close by but it was still hidden. Connie the Canner had to be called to the scene so she could help locate the missing radio before the battery died altogether.

In a couple of minutes of trying to triangulate the radio, we zeroed in on one of the seven trash cans we have out back. I lifted up one of the bags and it began to talk to me: “Please change battery”. To make a long story longer, the bag was untied and the radio was retrieved from (thankfully) near the top. After taking a few moments to free it from the mucky grip of some sloppy coffee grounds, the radio was happily, snuggly, and silently parked on its charger: home at last.

It really was no mystery. One of the radios is usually placed in the kitchen on a stand near the phone. There is a trash container by the stand. The transceiver somehow fell into the trash from the stand (we're pretty sure it didn't jump). Glad we didn’t have to call our good friend Sherlock to figure this out.

Hamming it up! Speaking of radios, not long ago,  (but longer than the other day), a friend showed up at my front door with some older ham radio equipment. I examined them and confirmed that they were rather old and agreed to buy them for 25.00.

One transceiver is a Kenwood TR-7950 2 Meter mono-band mobile rig w/power chord. It’s a mid-80’s rig but is built like a tank and these models are still highly regarded in the hamming community. I can use it for digital work.

Another is a Yeasu FT-2700RH DUAL BAND'er  2 Meter/440 mobile rig with the original duplexer. It will likely be one of my back up units.

The prize cake, though, is an MFJ-986 antenna tuner. This big baby can handle up to 3K watts of RF power and can likely tune everything but a lawn chair! Since I’ll soon have a 250’ wire dipole to work with, this tuner will come in mighty handy. I’ll also see how my other tuners handle it, too.

None of the equipment has been tested yet but it looks solid so far. Stay tuned for updates (probably right after my next day off).

Let it rain! Let it rain! Let it rain! Or:  “Yes, we have lots of raindrops. We have lots of raindrops today!” - On Saturday, July 31 at about 7:15 PM, and after suffering a significant moisture deficit for months, the clouds let loose with a big ol, rainstorm. Huge raindrops ensued with a tad of thunder tossed in. Of course, where we are, it was really just more “mad rain”. But, we try not to complain because every drop is welcomed. The Ol’ Rancher had to wash the “Coop De Ville” but, that’s OK. He’ll live.

Then, a few days after the first rainstorm, we had a “hot water” storm in the middle of the afternoon. What was different is that we had temps close to 100 degrees with that storm. I hadn’t seen that since Tulsa. Strange weather we’re having.

Well....there you have it: another short episode of the long happenings at Rancho Relaxo: home of Rancho Ran, the world's least-most authority: home of the Yo-Yo  twins and home of a retarded duck: home of Connie the Canner, the world's greatest side-kook and CEE (Chief of Everything Else): where the air smells and where alliteration reigns supreme: where being modern is optional and there are no slaves to fashion: where the eggs are always mostly fresh: where things can get...interesting: where it's all news to me and where...you just never know.

Rancho Más Fresco

 

Rico Rooster welcomes you to "Rancho Relaxo" where you just never know. 

Thanks to Linda Lissner for her contribution in the "name the stupid looking rooster" contest. Thanks, also, to other contributors who cracked me up with their suggestions! 

THE TEXAS FAM. This is son, Jeff, with wife, Sandra. The newly weds on the left are grandson, Randall, and his wife, Hannah. There's a ton of talent hiding between those 8 ears. Perhaps, one of these days I'll brag on them. If I do, be sure to grab some popcorn and a cold drink cause it'll take awhile.  

They wanted to come to California so the rest of the fam could meet Hannah. It was a great time for all because Randall and Hannah got to meet their paternal great-grandmothers as well as "regular" family members. They got to see most of them. Jeff's brother, Michael, is still in Longview, WA and wasn't able to come down. Jeff would loved to have gone up to see him, too, but they didn't have sufficient time to work with. Anyway, everyone's in love with Hannah so it looks like she's a "keeper".  

It has been very unseasonably cool as of late and we are all rejoicing like crazy! As a native to this area, I can attest the fact that it just doesn't get cool during this time of the year. Usually, you walk outside at 7 AM and it's like walking into an oven on purpose. It won't last, of course, but the respite was a real blessing! 

Our Maytag washer is going to need an overhaul so we purchased a backup unit. Pictured is a like-new LG monster capacity washer. It came from an estate sale. The previous owner only had it less than a year. He paid around 900 dollars for it; we got it for 200 dollars. 

The repair kit for the Maytag is less than 60 dollars and will be here in a few days. I rebuilt our Maytag dryer so I guess I'll get to rebuild the washer. The outer tub bearings and shaft need to be replaced. It doesn't sound like too big of a deal. 

Here's the new "ruler of the roost". This big boy is a white Leghorn, rooster and he is proving to be the "cock of the walk". He took full charge of the place when his six toes hit the ground. There are also three other rooster but he's keeping them in line. He doesn't have a name yet. Y'all got any ideas? 

Here's Feral Fawcett advising Abbie to watch her step and that she will not put up with any doggie nonsense. The fact is, Abbie pays attention! 

Here's our super watchdog in her new stealth guard position behind a garbage can. I'm quite sure that no one can see her with her eyes closed and one ear to the ground. I just wonder if I need to apprise her of the fact that she can't see them either. 

Well…it’s July. Doesn’t that just make you want to grab your trombone and join in the celebration of the arrival of the estival solstice?! 

Actually, it has been unseasonably cooler around the ranch and the old folks are rejoicing! We’ve had a couple of days where we didn’t even use “Ol’ Swampy”, the evaporative cooler, until way late in the day. Even then, it wasn’t for very long. Just using fans was sufficient. We loved it! 

There’s only 172 days shopping days until Christmas! That is, unless the food, fuel, and fun supply chain collapses into heap of flames and ashes. We might all want to stow away some Christmas cookies and a fruit cake just in case. 

It’s time to buzz the tower.

Everything is moving along here at the Rancho (albeit, it is running rather rapidly). We’ve chewed up half of this year already and last year’s agenda has hardly been touched. The Ol’ Rancher and Connie the Canner are in good health, in good spirits, and our soul is prospering. So, they’re quite pleased with that. 

We’re still getting ready for the big October yard sale. It means that we are moving stuff from here to our hangar all the while sorting and pricing other things to take later. Some things are being tossed out and others will be kept. Any way you slice the cupcake, it’s a huge undertaking. Thankfully, we have a couple of trailers that make that part of life much easier. 

The long and the shorts of it:  Latest “Flash Tip” of the day from Rancho Ran: do not …do not …take your weed eater for a stroll while wearing shorts. The end. 

The other day (when lots of things happen around here), I found my missing “Under Dog Super Energy Pills” (which, wonderfully and cleverly, happened to be disguised as a cup of home-brewed Starbuck’s coffee). This led to my being able to just up and grab the ol’ “Echo” weed eater and “git after it”. 

“It” was the job of weed whacking the front and rear yards that had just been mowed the other day (before the other day). The weeds were about as high as an elephants eye (and, we all know how high that is and how to sing the song, eh?). This meant that there was some real work to be done (where’s Maynard G. Krebs when you need’im?!). 

After fueling and priming the thing, and giving the starter cable a strong yank to give life to the motor, it was time to fling some string and whack some weeds. In about a half an hour, the big two-cycle motor was kicked off. The job was finished but my legs looked and felt like they had been clobbered with a fragmentation grenade! That was brilliant! You would have thought my legs had acute acne. Ugh. 

Not to self: “Don’t do that again, dummy”. 

Chickening Report or Eggsactly!: Thanks to my cousin, Heather, we now have10 new layers and another rooster! They’re all in good health and are laying eggs like pros! And, y’all just know that eggs are our friends around here. 

It didn’t take long for our three other dirty birdies to establish the necessary entente with the new birds. The trick is to incorporate them at night. When they awake together, they think they’re cousins and just go about their scratching and pecking as usual. 

Having a bunch of new birds requires that I sharpen up on my “Chickenese”. I think I’m doing OK because they do stay calm when I talk to them in their native language (I hope the neighbors ain’t watching). I still think that they think I have an accent, though.

In any event, I declare that there will be no more egg shortages at Rancho Relaxo. We’ve got eggs! 

Gallos Galore or Rooster Rich: Not long ago (but later than the other day), we had one new rooster and only a couple of hens (Feral Fawcett and Rooby Dooby, the hen formerly known as “Speck”, the tiny chick). 

When our cousin, Heather, sold us 10 layers and gave us a rooster to boot, we then had two roosters. Then, shortly after that, a local “bird brain” gave us two of their cockerels. They had ordered female chicks but ended up with a couple of males. So, we now know have four roosters and 12 layers in the “Huevos Hotel”! It’s beginning to look like we’ll have our egg ranch restored soon!! 

The thinking is to have one or more of our ladies hatch out a bunch of chicks for us. We can use them to sell, barter, or what all (it's all about having options). It’s not likely that we’ll use them as meat birds because we simply don’t have to. If times get really rough, it’ll be no problem doing that, though. 

Processing a chicken isn’t a big deal but it does take time. Time, as you may recall, is at a premium around here so we try to use it wisely. That, and it isn’t really cost effective when retail chicken prices are still fairly low (for now. Read the supply chain comment above). Why bother with a really big mess when you don't have to?

One way or another, Rancho Relaxo will have chicken noodle soup available. 

Some of our long-time customers have been longing for the return of “Rancho Relaxo Eggs” and always ask us to call them when we have some to spare. It looks like they need to guard their phone because, after Connie the Canner commits to water glassing a goodly supply of them, and as soon as our herd expands, she’ll start selling them. 

You may want to make note that “water glassing” is a method of long-term storage for eggs. With this method, eggs can be preserved for at least nine months. We’ve already proved it so can attest to its efficacy. 

What’s cool is that folks are still saving their egg cartons for us! Is that neat or what?! Looks like there will be no shortages around here.

 

Crash! Boom! Bang! Or Stormy Weather (thank you, Lena Horn): The other day, early in the morning and then again later in the day, we had lots of boom, bluster, flash, crash, and lots of “mad rain”. One of the Valley’s occasional summer electrical storms struck this area. It came without warning which left Rancho Ran scrambling to snatch a couple of tarps to cover a few things that were unprotected from the sneaky storm. 

As you may have noticed from previous reports, “mad rain” is when you get just enough rain to make your car muddy but not enough to wash off the mess. It makes you mad because you then get to drive a four-wheel mud hole. 

As you may guess, the Coop de Ville had to be hosed down at the local DIY car wash place on the next trip to town. We’ll wash the Camry later. The local car wash no longer takes cash so we started using the DIY place down by our church. Besides, why pay 12 dollars for a clean car when you can do it for 4? I cheap! 

What a grand and grandkids time!: Not long after grandson, Randall, was married, his mom and dad, Sandra and Jeff Minnick, rounded him and his new wife, Hannah, up and they headed west. On the way out, they stopped at the Grand Canyon and Las Vegas and a number of other interesting places. Though having flown to CA before, Hannah hadn’t seen any of the land in between her home state of Texas and California. This was certainly a treat for her! 

We hadn’t seen the “kids” in a few years so it was super to hear that they were coming! Our first plan was actually to see them first in Texas, go to OK and IL, then head back to CA where we would likely get to see them a second time at our place. Since that didn’t pan out, we still got to see them when they came to see us! 

Jeff’s mother, Vickie, and his sister Jennifer, live in Visalia with their families so they wasted no time visiting them and getting to introduce them to Hannah. It was a grand occasion over there, too, since they hadn’t seen any of the “kids” for quite some time. There wasn’t enough time to make it to Washington to see brother, Michael, because they just had a week to work with. 

They stayed here in Springville for a couple of nights which gave us plenty of time to visit and enjoy a huge breakfast the next morning. Since there was a Keurig coffee maker and an espresso machine handy (of course), there was no shortage of really good coffee (have I mentioned that coffee is our friend?). 

That’s especially so after getting the smashing deals on coffee at “Falling Prices” in Porterville, We managed to get a huge supply of Starbucks, Peets, Lily, Lavazza, Café La Llave, Tossimo, Senseo, Kicking Horse, Intellegensia, Coffee Fool, and Ethical Bean, coffees. So, reckon we had options, eh? 

We even sent the Minnicks home with a nice sized box of Nespresso coffee pods (Sandra has a Nespresso coffee maker) and K-Cups (she has a big Keurig, too).  The next Saturday, after going to "Falling Prices", we ended up bring home even more coffee than we sent with them. Amazing. 

Anyway, it was great to see the fam again and to meet our sweet-as-a-peach new granddaughter-in-law. She has all our votes as a “keeper”! She’s as sharp as a tack and is fluent in “Ameslan” (American Sign Language). She’s even featured on YouTube!! Is that cool or what?! 

After a nice quick breakfast, they departed for parts east. They made it home safe and sound. We thank God for that. 

Of course, it was hard to see them leave because we aren’t sure when we’ll get to see them again. It would be a lousy deal if the next time we got to see the grandkids was when their kids were graduating from college. Ugh. 

LG Clothes Washer or We’ve Got Options: Connie the Canner is a busy lady (as if y’all didn’t know) so when it comes to switching hats and becoming Connie the Washer Woman, she doesn’t miss a beat. This means that if her fairly new Maytag “Bravos” washer is acting up, she takes the matter quite seriously. 

In fact, that’s what happened. On the spin cycle, her washer started sounding like a Boeing B-17F with a full bomb load getting ready to take off to bomb Berlin. Its screeching presentation was about as welcomed as the rupture of a California subduction fault. 

As a quick aside, we’re “Boomers”. We were there when America built quality products. One of those products was the Maytag washing machine. In fact, one of the commercials for Maytag was one in which the Maytag repair man was about as lonely as a miner with no mule in Death Valley. That means that we expected Randall and Hannah to inherit our fully functioning Maytag washer. Period. 

We didn’t expect it to have issues so soon (as in “engineered obsolescence”) with either the washer or the dryer. The Maytag dryer (we bought them as a set) was even newer when we had to overhaul it. Now it’s the washer’s turn to go on the fritz. 

So, then, imagine the grunting and harrumphing in the laundry room when this alien noise started screaming at us from our expensive clothes drowner. We tried to find the Maytag repair man’s phone number but it wasn’t available. I guess I shouldn’t wonder since he’d be something like 110 years old about now. 

Plan B: Our friend “Duck Duck Go” (search engine) briefed us on the fact that our disconcerting noise was due to the failure of the outer tub bearings. Actually, I knew what the issue was just from the sound. However, I didn’t know just which and where those bearings were and didn’t know what was required to fix it and with which tools. 

In a few minutes, it was discovered that all that was needed was an inexpensive “bearing and shaft replacement kit with bearing tool”. No problem. The part was ordered and should be her an a few days.

 

Repairing it shouldn’t much of an issue. I’ve already overhauled the Maytag dryer which, like the washer, should never have failed in so few years. It’s not likely that I’ll purchase a Maytag product again since both units failed. Still, being forced to place my faith in foreign made products fries me to no end. It’s truly sad to say that, in too many cases, “Made in America” is no longer a desirable thing. 

On the whole, fixing the washer shouldn’t be a big deal. You just pull the thing apart and stack the pieces in a corner. Then, you use the bearing puller tool to yank the old bearings off. After that, just reinstall the new shaft and new outer tub bearings and then pat yourself on the back for being a qualified Maytag repair man (…uh…please don’t call).  

Plan C: The washer hasn't complete gone down. But, if the mechanical malady completely disables it and we have to wait for parts, Connie’s clothes would start piling up. This is not good. Pillowing piles of shorts, shirts, pants, and panties are not allowed on her washing watch. What to do? Well, you just look for a deal on another washing machine and circumvent to issue, that’s what. 

In a day or so, we stopped at a local yard sale that was being conducted by a friend of ours. He buys estate sale “tailings” and then promotes his own yard sale. Connie had seen a nice looking LG washer a week or so before and wanted to see if it was still there. Can you imagine the look on her face when she saw that was, in fact, still there? She looked like she had just won the "Lotto". 

But, there’s a backstory. What had happened was that someone had purchased this gorgeous 900 dollar washing machine for the astoundingly low price of 200 dollars! Then, for whatever reason, the guy brought it back! 

We asked John, the Yard Sale’er, what the deal was. He apprised us that he didn’t really know other than the guy said something along the lines of “It didn’t work right”. He told us that we could have it for 200 dollars and that, if anything was wrong with it, he would gladly refund the money. That worked for us! 

It only took a short time to load the big washer onto Wooly Pulley and haul it home. In a day or so, we hooked it up outside on the patio and tested it. Sure enough, it didn’t work right. It was not filling correctly because the water pressure was too low and it was leaking water out of the drain pipe at the same time. 

After taking off the cold water input hose and checking the input, it was easy to determine that the filter was completely occluded. No problem; the filter was cleaned and nominal water pressure was restored. 

Then, the drain pipe was placed higher up so that it wouldn’t allow siphoning and all was well. Connie the Washer Woman tested it and it was running as good as new! She was quite pleased with it! Her only (semi) complaint is that the tub is so deep she has to stand on her tiptoes to reach the bottom! She loves this thing!  

Well....there you have it: another short episode of the long happenings at Rancho Relaxo: home of Rancho Ran, the world's least-most authority: home of the Yo-You  twins and home of a retarded duck: home of Connie the Canner, the world's greatest side-kook and CEE (Chief of Everything Else): where the air smells and where alliteration reigns supreme: where being modern is optional and there are no slaves to fashion: where the eggs are always mostly fresh: where things can get...interesting: where it's all news to me and where...you just never know.

Rancho Seco Seco Seco

 

I'm thinking about making this little guy the Rancho Relaxo mascot. Any ideas what we should name him? 

Here's "Hondo", the beloved ranch workhorse ATV. It was recently worked on and actually runs as good as new! It has a small trailer hooked to it. It came in handy the other day when a ton of tree trimmings had to be hauled to the wood pile in the back 40. That's Ruby Dooby (nee Speck) pecking away in the background. 

This is one of our "severe clear" days here at the rancho. On days like this, you can see for miles and miles and miles. In the aviation circles, it's called "CAVU" (ceiling and visibility unlimited). 

 Here's our new juvenile Americana rooster. A local lady bought some "straight run" chicks and didn't need the males. He's learning to crow but needs to practice a bit more until he dials it in. This little guy was free. Free is our friend! The other bird is Feral Fawcett.

Miss Abbie, the princess pooch, ran out of coons, wabbits, and ground squirrels so is sharpening her skills on a gopher. Abbie -1; Gopher - 0.

Some of y'all may remember the old TB hospital in Springville. I became the "Sequoia Dawn" low-cost housing facility. Apparently, it has changed hands because they are giving the place a complete overhaul. Even the ugly landscaping has been removed. The paint scheme (not seen in this shot) is quite modern and looks great! Whoever it is that is doing it is serious about the matter.

We love our big fruitless mulberry trees out front. The provide a huge amount of shade which helps to ameliorate the searing summer sun's attempt to fry the occupants of Rancho Relaxo. On some evenings, if there is a nice breeze, Connie the Canner and the Ol' Rancher can sit on the porch swing and listen to the wind chimes. Otherwise, we can only hear the traffic noise on CA-190. 

This is "Zorba's" burger place in Oildale. It has been a favorite of many folks (including Rancho Ran and Connie the Canner) for many years. I was introduced to it in the late '90's by Don and Shirley Gerber who are the head of the "Cedar Grove Bluegrass Band". We would stop in here as often as we could. Recently, we went to the Bakersfield's "Meadows Field" airport to pick up a friend. Naturally, we stopped here first to get their burger combo meal for lunch. It's still the great place it has always been. In fact, it edges out the competition for the "Number One Burger" spot on my list. I couldn't help but text this picture to Don and Shirley. It was a "blast from the past" for them! They live in Apple Valley now or I would have hauled a bag of these big babies over to them.   

Our 15 vines are prospering. It should be a good crop this year.

I couldn't help but include this item. It's a new-in-the-box Linksys router. It retails for about 29.95. I got it for ONE DOLLAR at a yards sale. Not sure what the deal was but I didn't need to know. Reckon they just wanted it gone. I was obliged to help them with their pressing issue. 

Well, I just had to brag on my dog again. Notice that this fine specimen of a guard dog appears to be sound asleep on the job. However, she has perfected a new strategy that leaves the enemy totally confused and off guard. She is pretending to be asleep while focusing intently on every single little sound and movement within at least a hundred yards! Amazing! She doesn't move an inch but stays stoically still without even flinching! Even as I took this picture, she totally ignored me as though I wasn't there and faithfully continued with her duty to guard our ranch with all alacrity. She did this even after an entire night of barking and scaring off spirits, spookss, hares, haints, goons, and gouls. Good girl, Abbie!!

Well, it’s June already! Half the year has slid by and it only took a few months to do it! Doesn’t that just make you want to hock your hammock? I'm not sure that NASA's hypersonic research aircraft are traveling as fast as our calendar is! OK..OK...I'll put a sock in it. 

It could be a long day. I ran out of “Veeta-Vita-Vegemin”.

Rancho Happenings: It’s time for a report on our estival happenings. As usual, lots of things have been happening around here. But, on the whole, it has been a good month (proving that even crazy months can be good months). We’re settling in for the duration, as it were. The government has promised us poverty, sickness, and lack but we’re not paying any attention to them. We’re still prospering and in health despite their evil machinations.

One thing (of no good report) is that it’s dry around here. We’re under siege by California’s worst drought in 1,200 years. This is also to say that we’re already in the 6^th year of a drought when we found this “interesting” bit of information was tacked on to the weather report.

 It’s bad enough to live in a “California Gold” environment where everything is dry and brown. It’s another thing to be dry and no longer have a snow pack or full lakes to rely on for irrigation. That also means that the local Tule River is, once again, at “zero flow”. It’s going to turn from brown to toasted soon (envision a piece of Wonder Bread that’s been left in the toaster until you see smoke). This won’t be good.

The “Pleasant Valley Canal Company” (from whom we buy water for our trees, grass, and garden...what's left of it, anyway) has gave us warning that they may need to ration and even stop our water usage. Oh, swell. I noticed right away that nothing was said about proportionately rationing or stopping our tri-monthly payment. We still have well water but you can imagine the electric bill after using SCE’s precious electricity to pump water to a dry and thirsty land. A daunting thought, to be sure. 

We’ve already lost some of our orange trees and others are extremely stressed. The pomegranate trees refuse to die so that helps. Two new lemon trees will need to be baby sat until they get their deep roots or we will lose them. The Nectarine tree almost committed hara-kiri when its main large branch broke under the weight of a huge batch of ripe fruit. It’s now half the size but it did survive. The plumb trees are doing fairly well but one of them has had a grand mal seizure and almost stopped producing.

That’s a mystery that has yet to be solved given that it was the most productive tree that we have. It was faithfully producing an abundance of fruit until now. It had sufficient water but it may have something to do with the nasty bug infection a couple of years ago. The bugs took quite a toll on all of our trees. We’ll see.

No Va: The vacation trip ain't happening. We had to cancel the trip back east. The timing was off and we were up against a hard clock. There was no way we could fit our schedule in to make things work. It's a bit of a disappointment because we won't get to see the families back east for a while yet. 

Then good news is that the Minnicks are coming from Abilene to show off the new bride! Yep! Jeff and Sandra are coming with Randall and new bride, Hannah, to see the kith and kin here in California! They'll be here at the house for a couple of nights. That will be time enough to visit and get acquainted with our new family member. 

Grand Reunion: Part of the trip was to pick up friend and brother, Gene Sales, from Vienna, IL. Since we simply couldn't be there, we made sure that he caught a flight from St. Louis to Bakersfield. We picked him up at the airport at about 9:50PM on Friday the 10th and headed home.

What a grand time we had! We're still rejoicing in having our brother back home. He'll be here at the rancho for a while until he can get re-established in this area. We'll be talking about old times for days and days!! 

The trip to Bakersfield also allowed us to knock over "Zorbs's" which is one of our favorite burger places. We almost always get the Burger Combo ( I sometimes get the hot pastrami sandwich). We love this place! 

Hold the Hoe: No garden this year. The garden soil is tainted with fungus so the Ol’ Rancher (on his next day off) will tear down the four garden boxes and new ones will be built and filled with fresh clean soil. The old dirt will be dragged around the front and back yards. 

This should be an easy chore because “Ranch Rino”, the Ford 8N tractor, will be ready and willing to help. It's down for a short time while it is having a new head gasket put on it. As soon as it's fixed, it'll be back to doing some of the heavy lifting around here. A good friend and neighbor recently tuned this handy gadget up so it’ll be as good as new once he gets the head gasket glued on. 

We’ll use the drag scraper to haul the garden dirt around the house and fill in the gopher holes and such. The holes are actually dangerous because you can step in them and twist and/or break an ankle. We here at the ranch are keen on avoiding such injuries. Old people are like that, don'tcha know. 

Hondo, the ATV: The same good friend and neighbor overhauled our badly-needed ATV. He replaced the carburetor, changed the oil, and tuned it up. It’s a “one kick, one start” tractor now! It needed a new battery so starting is now “kick-less”. It was immediately put to work hauling limbs that had been whacked of the mulberry trees in front and back.

Merrily we mow along: After a new battery and new starter, the rancho riding mower, "Cabrito", is running nominally. But, it still has an issue with the power-take-off-clutch which, after being used for a while, will not re-engage if shut off. It’s still usable enough to get the job done. In a worse-case scenario, I just leave it alone for an hour until it cools down then start it back up again.

Chickening Report: we still have two layers but we have a new rooster added to the flock. We checked with “Next Door” (which is a "stay in touch" website that lets you keep up with the neighborhood) and some of the locals had an Americana rooster that needed a new home. The great news was that he was a juvenile with lots of life left in him. And, he was free!  Free is our friend!!

We hung a new moniker on him and are calling him, “RooToo”. He’s named after, “Roo”, the previous Rhode Island Red rooster who became lunch for a really sweet, high-spirited, sled dog that loves chicken dinners. *SIGH*. Anyway, we hope to find a new home for the sled dog so that we can keep our chickens. We’d keep her if she laid eggs.

RooToo and Feral Fawcett are now safe in the coop but we still need to capture Ruby Dooby. She’s granting us an egg every couple of days but we can’t seem to catch her in the act. So, she’s still alive and free ranging about (in a very hostile environment).

Go Go Gopher: The gopher’s gotta go! “The gopher’s gotta go!  Hi, ho, the marry oh! The gopher’s gotta go!” -

The other day (when lots of things happen around here) a large fresh mound of dirt was piled upon my pathway as I headed to the mailbox. This was the same dirt that, the day prior, had been washed back down the hole of a quite proud California Pocket Gopher (no doubt named largely after their being small enough to fit in your trouser pocket while still being able to excavate a huge mountain of dirt).

This critter had devastated our front yard and turned it into a large display for his dirt mounds (it was almost like he was advertising dirt mounds for sale). So, I really wanted to rain down thousands of pounds worth of hate and destruction on him by borrowing a couple of 1,000 pound iron bombs from the USAF. That would have been worth at least a big triumphant grin. But, a few seconds later, I was struck by the reality that I would have had to rebuild the entire front yard because of my excavation extravaganza. So, it was “Plan B” for me.

The new plan started with returning the dirt mound to its original location beneath the grass. I grabbed the hose and started began slipstreaming hands full of dirt into the stream of water that was being swallowed by the deep hole. It was working well and lots of dirt was being returned home.

Imagine my surprise when a small, nearly-drowned, worthless, angry, squinting, sent-by-Satan, Pocket Gopher squirmed to the surface in search of air! It was time for the black and white “big gun”; “Abbie! Git’em!”.

Abbie, the fearless we-wonder-what-she’s-doing dog, sprang into action and quickly dispatched the brown bane. Our little huntin’ dawg was quite proud of her prowess. She kept her trophy from being molested by anyone until she had tired of carrying it around and showing it off. 

Well....there you have it: another short episode of the long happenings at Rancho Relaxo: home of Rancho Ran, the world's least-most authority: home of the Yo-You  twins and home of a retarded duck: home of Connie the Canner, the world's greatest side-kook and CEE (Chief of Everything Else): where the air smells and where alliteration reigns supreme: where being modern is optional: where the eggs are always mostly fresh: where things can get...interesting: where it's all news to me and where...we just never know.

RANCHO SPRINGY DINGY

 

Here's one of our harbingers of spring. This little female bird has camped out in our front yard and has been digging out Connie's planter boxes on the front porch. She's not a happy camper and has put netting over them to keep this noisy and obnoxious intruder out of them. It's a "Stellar Jay" and not one that I know likes them. 

Click on the pictures to enlarge them.

Here's more evidence of spring. Car shows/events are showing up all over the place. This line of cars greeted us when we were in Springville the other day. Model "A" and Model "T's" were lined up clear through town and others were still showing up. It was a rather big event so it must have been one of the collector's associations or such. 

Here's something that you don't see every day. It's a large can of "Cain's" coffee. This has been one of my favorite coffees since 1981. I drank it while in Tulsa, OK and then picked up a couple of cans when on vacation. The problem is that you can't get it any longer. It's only available at a few restaurants in Oklahoma and it's no longer in stores. I hate to crack it open but, if I don't, it'll get stale and undrinkable. Such is life. 

There are about 40 pods of "Peet's" and "Starbucks" coffee here ("Starbucks" owns "Peets"). The entire bunch of pods cost us 25 cents at the new "Falling Prices" store in Porterville. This is the small overflow box. The larger box has hundreds of these pods in it and cost less than 10 dollars. 

To the right is the newly poured cement base for the antenna tower for my ham radio station. It's planted at the back of the barn (north side). The station has been a work in creeping progress for a number of years. I'll park an 11 element 2M VHF beam on top and will also string a 300' wire inverted "V" antenna from the top. The long wire will allow for operation all the way down to the 160 meter band in addition to the others. The tower is to the right and will need to be erected when the base cures for a few weeks. 

I don't recall where or when I got this big beautiful Logitech MX5000 keyboard. But, when I wore out the previous keyboard, I found this one lurking in the barn. I looked it up online and the mouse and keyboard retail for 150 clams. I vaguely recall paying 5 bucks for it at a yard sale. 

Well! Shut the front door!! It’s May! We’re a third of the way through the year! Doesn’t that just make you want to hock your outhouse? Anyway, neighbors, it’s time to share the vernal adventures at Rancho Relaxo. I should have listened to J. R. Ewing.

Fun Fact: “Vernal" is from the Latin vernalis which means “of spring” . You can also use “primavera” which means “first spring.”

Stepping on up: We live in a two story home and my office/shop is on the upper floor. That may seem like a negative but it’s really plus. For instance, for 15 years I’ve had to walk, slog, jog, and sprint up these 15 steps. That means a lot of muscular and cardio activity has been executed. This is one of the reasons that explain why I was able to ace the “stress test” when I had a heart attack in ’14. In fact, the best that I can tell, I’m one of only a few folks that have gone the full (grueling) 9 minute treadmill test without breaking the 150 heartbeats per minute limit (I’ve not heard of another).

That’s also why my cardiologist was wowed when he saw my chart. He stated that, had he not seen all of my medical records, he would never have guessed that I had even had an attack! I was pleased with that report because my FAA flight medical was reinstated within three of weeks of getting his “all clear” (the previous FAA communication took three months).

Guess what? Here at Rancho Relaxo we’ve found that these stairs are even more utile than you may suspect. You see, Connie the Canner also uses the stairs. “So what?”, one may say. Well, let me tell you, cousin.  She’s about 5’ 6” which is a bit below my 6’2” highness. “So what?”, one may query again. It’s like this; on some odd occasions, she’s coming down the stairs and we meet at the bottom. Can you imagine the compensation a 7” rise stairs makes when two humans meet and they are now nose-to-nose? Yep. It’s “Rancho smootcho time” for the old folks! In fact, we have an official name for Connie the Canner at times like these; she’s my….step-wife. Works for us.

Them’s the Brakes or How trashy can you be?: This is springtime so we’re in high gear and are speeding along as much as our bodies, minds and the ever-present “farm issues” will allow.

During one of our frequent trips to town, we had gotten about 5 miles from home when we tried to pull out of the way of the cars behind us (bless our considerate hearts). That was interesting because the brake pedal went to the floor! We were at a fairly level place on the highway which was highly improbable. We were on Highway 190 which has very few level places seeing that that it traverses the foothills and the mountains. This is also to say that the hand brake wasn’t required. Thankfully, we were able to safely limp back (rather slowly, I should say).Once home, we called “AAA” for a tow to a shop in Hooterville.

As a side note, you can bet we were mighty thankful for having the “Premium” subscription because it has unlimited towing. Anyway, we had the Coop DeVille hauled to “Big Brands” tires.

We found out later that the left front brake line separated! So, this was a shock as well as a mystery.

The repair took a few days because they had to get the brake line out of Bakersfield (or, “Buckersfield”, if you are so inclined). We picked up the car in a week and were quite happy to be back in business.

Ah, but this is Rancho Relaxo and you just know that things can get interesting around here.

For instance, two days after getting the van back home, it was time to make a “dump run” because our trash bins were full. Wooly Pulley was hooked up and we started out of the driveway. However, we only got to the main highway when the brake pedal went to the floor again! I backed up and unhooked and blocked the trailer and called “AAA” again for a tow to the same shop in Hooterville. Scratch one dump run!

It took more than a week to get the van back because they had to order another brake line from out of the area. The end of the matter is that the repaired the issue and we got our wheels back. 

During the wait time, our trash remained in the trailer for another week until a friend hauled it off. Without those 10 large barrels, trash started backing up pretty quickly. Swell. The little Camry, Toyo, doesn’t have a hitch (yet) so we needed to wait almost a week to resolve that trash problem.

What wasn’t a mystery was what would have happened had we been further down the road and had to brake but found ourselves freewheeling with a trailer trying to catch up to us. I don’t like to imagine such things but I’m quite sure that the result would have amused the bored masses. That was plumb crazy! The car had just been repaired!

This hilarious episode set our back our plans to haul stuff to and from the hangar, too. We needed to get stuff staged for the big yard sale in May on the 13th-14th. Some of these goods need to get down the road because we’re backed up to the gunnels with unused “stuff” that’s been around far too long.

Tractors, maintenance, and more: To make matters even more interesting, the lawn tractor has had issues. It lost air in one of the tires so I used “Fix-a-Flat” on it. So far, it still has a slow leak but I have an air compressor and a portable air tank.

It also has a weird habit of losing the power-take-off clutch when it warms up. As long as the PTO clutch is engaged, the mower runs fine. However, if you disengage it, it won’t re-engage until the motor mower cools down. That takes a while so you just go do something else until you can use it again. That’s rather inconvenient.

The grass in the front yard had grown to jungle proportions but was finally whacked when I got the tractor going (thankfully, no lions were found linger about). Its battery and starter was recently replaced so this season’s work should get done (if the lazy tractor driver can get to it, that is).

The Honda “FourTrax” ATV (which hauls dirt and other things all over the ranch) also had problems. Those issues had to be dealt with so I can get into “spring mode” and get some work done. It needed the carburetor replaced, the oil changed, and a tune up. It then openly declared that its battery was dead. Swell. So, now it has a new battery and all should be well. She starts immediately when the “Go” button is pushed or when you kick start it. Amazingly, it’s hard to tell the motor isn’t new. It doesn’t even smoke! I can deal with that. 

The other tractor, the 1951-52 Ford 8N, has a blown head gasket and is undergoing repairs as we speak. That isn’t a biggy but the drag scraper does come in handy from time to time.

Re-tired Camry: The Camry recently had tire issues, too. Seems we didn’t drive it enough and the tires got weather worn and fell apart. We had two flats within a couple of days of each other. We didn’t need any more tire grief so it’s now sporting a new set of 190/60R 14 “Kelly Springfield” shoes.

The little car is 24 years old yet only has a bit over 200k miles on it. It’s a mechanically sound as any car with half the mileage. We do keep our cars in tip top shape because we greatly depend on them.

More motor maintenance: Spring prep will include the Schwinn “Meridian” motorized trike. It was running well prior to the start of winter but I forgot to suck the gas out. So, there may be an issue with getting it started at first. The carb just needs blown out (as does the 3.5KW portable generator we keep at the ready: and the “Troy Bilt” 5hp pressure washer). The little 1.5 hp Honda has been trouble-free and holding up well so far (given that it probably has less than 7 miles on it). It shouldn’t take much to get back in service.

It’s a sweet ride that we call the “Ranch Rocket”. This is in spite of the fact that we are spared anything close to face-ripping speeds. If I recall correctly, the top speed on this little hauler is 22 mph. That should be quite sufficient a speed with which to carry our milk (and my larger pink fundament) to and from the grocery store 3.5 miles away.  It’s quite the “ute” since it has a basket on the back and one on the handle bars. Handy gadgets, I’d say.

The problem is that it is geared so high that it can’t negotiate the steep entrance from Highway 190 to the “Eagle Feather Trading Post” (2.6 miles from here). So, the rider (that would be the Ol’ Rancher) has to push the thing up the hill (the gearing is too high for it to be peddled upslope by a human). We’ll see. Perhaps someone will help me mount a wench on the front (preferably a light-weight one with brown hair).

I still need to build Connie’s Meridian trike. It’s been patiently waiting for quite a while. Just can’t seem to get to it.

 Wired-Not wired or The Unexpected Magic Show: Missy, the well-fed-but-bored pooch, just ate my wiring harness on the trailer for grins. At first, I thought she ate the whole thing but I found it a few days later. Perhaps she hid it so that she could retrieve it, play with it, and then show me what a great job she had done of it. It was fixed by replacing it with a new harness and connector (10 clams added to the list of “unanticipated expenses to date”).

Three days later, when the van was back in the shop, a friend offered to tow the trailer to the dump. Except that, the new wiring harness and connecter were…gone (swell x a whole bunch)! Since the trailer had been parked in front instead of in the back (where Missy could have such great fun with it), we really have a mystery on our hands. The thing simply disappeared. We’re still looking!

Well….that ended up necessitating a complete rebuilding of the wiring of the entire trailer. That took more time out of the Rancho schedule. Swell. Thankfully, my friend (quite professionally) glued it back together. Friends are our friends.

Bye, bye, Birdie: We lost our Barred Rock the other day (when lots of things happen around here). She developed some sort of tumor on her bottom but we didn’t know anything about it until the day prior to her demise. She just suddenly became lethargic and plopped down in the grass. I examined her and noticed that the tumor was far advanced and that some of her skin was already necrotic. I ruled out an “egg bound” issue.

We still have Rooby Doobie (nee “Speck”) and Feral Fawcett, though. Rooby is faithfully laying about an egg-and-a-half in a day-and-a-half. Miss Fawcett has gotten broody and is under one of our many tarps keeping unfertilized eggs warm (remembering that Missy ended Roo’s career as the head DNA propagator). I really love that little feathery bird because she's so tame. It's just that she's not that bright. The tarps will soon need to be cleared so she’ll likely be discovered and her broodiness will be discouraged.

Chicken Tenders: We already have plans to repopulate the ranch with more birds even if we have to start with chicks. Not a pleasant thought but “You gotta do whatcha gotta do”, eh? Eggs are our friends and we are in need of as many friends as we can get. The Ol’ Rancher and his side kook, Connie the Canner may soon be tending an entirely new flock of birds. Don’t touch that dial; we’ll have updates.

“Falling Prices” and Dropping Jaws: We were recently introduced to a new store in town. It’s been awhile since I gave two rips and a single ding-a-dang about such things. But, it looks like some folks think Porterville is large enough to actually start a business in (though I can’t imagine who). I suppose that 67,000 or so people would have a few bucks between them to keep at least one store afloat for a while.

The business is, “Falling Prices”. It may just as well be, “Falling in love with prices” because that’s exactly what the Ol’ Rancher and Connie the Canner have done. Low prices attract old yard sale’ers like us like “The Beatles” attracted screams. After all, we’re the ones who squeeze a nickel until the Indian rides the buffalo.

When you get inside, you see about 15 or so 6 foot square boxes elevated about 3’ off the floor. Contained in each box is a plethora of mixed items including cell phone protectors, wireless mice, toys, tools, hard backed books, and even expensive coffees. It’s wild!

Image what it does to your lil’ ol’ heart to purchase a 14.00 bag of Pete’s Coffee for…hold on to your old gray bonnet...one dollar! ONE BUCK! How about getting three wireless mice for five dollars and three 15.00 HDMI cables for 75 cents! It was a true jackpot! We likely won’t need coffee around here for a year or more (noting that most of the coffee was in sealed pods and metalized bags so that they stay fresher longer). All this brown treasure is sure to put some miles on our new “KitchenAid Pro Line” burr coffee grinder.

Connie the Canner got hundreds of canning jar lids for less than three bucks!  She almost did an Irish jig in the middle of the store (and doesn’t even know how to dance!)! She was in giggle mode when buying expensive vitamins and food supplements for a buck-a-throw! Zowie!

So, it’s no wonder we are so taken with this new store. It even cured us of dumpster diving!

Pardon my Garden: Last year’s garden was a bust. It was the first year that we’ve not had an abundant harvest. In fact, the ‘harvest” was so scarce that Connie the Canner could only can a few quarts of green beans and nothing else. That was pitiful because we planted an entire garden box of them. During an average harvest, she should have been able to can 30 quarts or more. This was despite the fact that the Ol’ Rancher toiled diligently for seven months. It was discovered (thanks to the Internet) that there was a fungus among us and it wrecked our soil.

The boxes are all in desperate need of repair so, instead of trying to rebuild and replant this year (which would keep us from the rest of the major work needed to be done around here), we’re going to forgo the matter for now. Unless the price of lumber requires us to hock the house, the idea is to just start all over with new boxes and fresh material/soil.

 Lowe’s has slotted concrete corner blocks that allow you to build the size of garden box you desire. Ours are 3’ high so that the old people can forgo any stoop labor. The remainder of the year will be dedicated to this major project. “Go, team!”.

Tripping or On the Road Again: Other than a too-quick trip to Boise to Seattle to home (when we picked up the new van), we haven’t been away from home for any reason in about five years. So, we’re going on a three week vacation. It’ll be great to see friends and family (our friends are pretty much our family, too). It’ll be even greater to just get out of Dodge.

The plan is to depart after church on Sunday, May 22 and return on the 13^th or 14^th of June. If things work as planned, Abilene, TX will be the first stop. Eldest son, Jeff and his family are there. We're up against a pretty hard clock so we'll see. 

We have a new granddaughter-in-law that we have yet to meet so that will be super! Her name is Hannah. She and grandson, Randall, were recently wed at a really cool place in Thurber, TX called the “Greystone Castle Sporting Club” (you should see the pictures!). Their fam will be headed to CA to see other fam right after we see them but they won’t be there when we return home. Bummer.

Next, will be just east of San Antonio in Kingsbury where Connie’s brother, Roger, and his lady, Charlotte, abide. Charlotte is also a pilot so she fits right in with the rest of us “wing nuts” (she’s a great cook, too!). Together, they run the “Old Kingsbury Aerodrome” in Kingsbury, TX. Their activities also include building and maintaining the “Pioneer Flight Museum” there.

Roger is a commercial pilot and world-class A&P mechanic. His works can be seen at the “Museum of Flight” in Seattle (a WW1 Nieuport 28) and at the Hong Kong airport (a 1910 Farman biplane replica). Check’em out at their website (https://pioneerflightmuseum.org) and on “YouTube”(https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=Old+kingsbury+aerodrome).

After Kingsbury, we’ll be on our way to Magnolia (about 200 miles and north of Houston) to see Connie’s elder daughter and her family. We have seven grandkiddies there who are now loving Texas. We haven’t seen them since they moved there three years ago from Harbor City/Torrance, CA.

Time permitting, we’ll get to see long-time friend and brother and sister, Red and Patty Polston in Tulsa. It’s been ten year or so since we’ve seen them. They are evangelists. I’ve had the privilege to minister in Idaho, California, and Canada with Red. Part of his ministry is the “5 West Outpost”, a Christian music ministry in Sand Springs.

Last but not least, we will be in Vienna, IL. That’s located where Missouri, Kentucky, and Illinois converge. I’ve been near there before but being in Kentucky will be a first for us. We’ll spend the night in Paducah which is only 30 miles south of Vienna. That leave only S.C., VA, and Georgia as the only southern states that I haven’t been to yet.                                                                                                                                                            

We’ll be having lunch in Sikeston, MO. The place is called “Lambert’s”. It the “home of the throwed rolls” (https://throwedrolls.com/our-menu/). There are three of them: Foley, AL, Osark, MO, and Sikeston, MO. I’ve been to all three of them but have only eaten at two of them.

If you ever have the chance, you need to stop in. You’ll  get a kick out of this place, I guarantee it! They have huge home-style meals and serve the side dishes from buckets. Then, a waiter/waitress will toss the bread rolls at you from as far away as they feel comfortable with, It’s a hoot! The chicken fried steak is huge. I’m a pro when it comes to chicken fried steak but I couldn’t eat the “Rooster size” meal. Next time, I’ll probably order the “Hen  size” instead (if I don’t get the fried catfish or hog jowl plate).

Well....there you have it: another short episode of the long happenings at Rancho Relaxo: home of Rancho Ran, the world's foremost authority (the previous one died): home of the Yo-Yo Twins, home of a retarded duck, home of Connie the Canner (world's greatest side-kook): where the air smells, where alliteration reigns supreme, where being modern is optional, where there are no slaves to fashion, where the eggs are always mostly fresh, where things can get...interesting, where it’s all news to me, and where...we just never know.