Rancho Dusto

Ain't she a beaut?! We figure that it will take until about the year 2525 (if man is still alive) to sell enough eggs to break even on this gig.

 This is about as close as I care to get to there being a chicken playground at our ranch.

Heeeeere, chick, chick, chick! These little gals have already eaten enough chow to satisfy a herd of elephants. Something  tells me that I need to start looking for "options" concerning chicken feed before my eggs start costing 20 bucks apiece. I do have some ideas.

That's just wood shavings on the floor of the coop. We just found out that the sawmill above Springville will give us all the sawdust we can haul off for free.....free is our friend.

Ol' Gardenin' Granny. She now has a bunch of green goodies in the boxes (bless her sweaty little heart).

Here's Wooly Pully loaded with some hay for the roosting boxes. We're at the local feed store in Porterville.

The framing is finished for the lattice work. They just finished the gate for the center section. It has two parts with each part folding in the center and it's supported by two large casters on each part.

    Our tradesmen getting it all together.

HAY!! This is actually rice straw instead of wheat straw. The feed store was out of the "regular" stuff. I doubt if it will make a difference to the hens.

 Abbie (aka Princess Sniffasaurus) checking out what's happening in her realm. She pays attention! No Gypsies allowed!

The longer section of the patio with the framing in place.

Sometimes...even a princess needs a nap. I'm of a ready mind to rename the place "Rancho Nappo".  We didn't even have to train her to do this. She's actually only following what she sees us do.









Here we are....again....staring April in the face. I could have sworn that March just got here. Does this line sound familiar? It should; I've used this same gripe a number of times these past few years. Really....it's not that I'm out of things to say. It's just so bloody unbelievable that summer is almost here and I didn't even get to wear my leather jacket this year!

Reckon we can all rationalize that we're one month closer to the end of the earth, eh? I mean....even if it takes awhile, the end will be here (scientists estimate at least 1.75 billion years). I have plans until then.

Things are "moving along" here at the ranch. Our irrigation water will be turned on in a few days. By law, all ditches in CA have to be shut down for three weeks and cleaned. I don't mind it except.....they do it right when I need to get my garden, trees, and lawn watered before everything croaks. Gee....thanks, guys.

The water comes from the Tule River. Guess what? The Ol' Tule is at...zero flow....again. We're out of snow and therefore, out of water. This will make year three that the Tule has suffered this condition and things will not be pretty at all. This is an unprecedented drought condition so I suspect that water rationing will be just around the corner.

 One cannot but feel quite sorry for the good folks down on the flat land in the Valley. In some places, they are still receiving water...by truck! Some have had to move on while others are toughing it out because they can't afford to relocate.

 We "Foothill-ians" tend be thankful for being somewhat sequestered (though not really isolated) from the flat and featureless farmland near us (the Foots and the Flats really do get along). The water dynamics, though related, are not identical. Most of us get our water either from SPUD (Springville Public Utility District) which gets its water from the Tule River and/or from personal  (Rancho Relaxo) or corporate water wells (e.g. Del Oro Water Co. based in Maglia, CA just north of Paradise...I know.... I had never heard of the place either and I've been to Paradise more than twice). Not sure where SPUD gets its water if the river actually dries up but my guess is that they have a well or two up their sleeve.

That's a good thing...sort of. The Valley floor has dropped at least 4 feet since I was in high school thanks to the interminable sucking of water from beneath our feet (another good "straight line" that will be forfeited by the Rancho comedian .....for now).

It will be interesting to see how the new draconian water legislation enacted last year will affect us. If I understand correctly, the STATE now has all authority over all water and has the "right" to control and dictate all production and usage. In fact, if you have "too much" water (i.e. if you have more than "your fair share" of water), the state can TAKE/STEAL whatever it wants and leave you lacking and without sufficient water so that someone else will have their water needs met. That way, we're all equal. 

Moving along to the chicken forecast (B'GAAAK!)......looks like fair feathering in the near future with much plumage developing not long afterwards (noooot quite ready for the 6 o'clock news). The coop is finished and our plumage producing pullets are neatly stuffed inside and happy as larks. We toss in batches of fresh chopped veggies that we get from a local store to help balance their diet. It'll do until they can get out and stretch their legs and hunt down some bugs and such. The greens are the trimmings and culls from the store's produce department. They give it to us and they don't have to mess with it. It's a "win win" deal. Add to that the "chick starter" and some scratch and you have some well-fed pullets who are preparing to start production. Lay me some money! Ol' Rancho Ran will have to sharpen his egg marketing skills soon.

There are a couple of new "chicken stands" for them too. The stands are your basic 2" x 4" boards with 4' closet rods between them to make a place for them to park when the mood strikes. Two have three rods and the other has 5. The chickens are diggin' em so far. There is a taller "tree" too that has several 18" rod branches for them to tinker with.

 Our contractor, Rob Sanford, and his crew did a great job on all of it. He took the time to look up some coops and such and had a lot of input that helped glue all of this project together. I think his other half, Bonnie, is looking to have him fix up their place with one of these now!  

The "Abbie Report".....Princess Abbie is now firmly entrenched in our hearts and ranch. She has endeared herself to us despite a poopy start (I would have preferred rocks). Talk about frolicking and romping! Our pampered pooch can have more fun in a few minutes than I've had all year! What a hoot! Though not having a GPS, the lay of the land is now part of her programming so she keeps track of what's on her farm. Not much slips by her...especially the coons (though we haven't seen any as of late).

She and I do the fetch thing and, when there is enough energy for Ol' Ran to work with (which is about as likely as finding a box of chicken lips in a mile-high snow drift), we do Tug o' War. In only a couple of minutes it dawned on me that....I wasn't playing with the dog..... she was playing with me! Needless to say, she runs rings around me. It's usually my nap time right after that.

Her intelligence also appears to be increasing with every passing day. I've not seen such a sharp doggie. She's all but a mind reader and seems to be one step ahead of us most of the time. Looks like I need to sharpen my trusty-but-rusty Ginzu knife.

And......her ability to love us seems to grow day by day. She thinks we hung the moon and it isn't likely that we will try to change her mind any time soon. She is loathe to leave us and hates it when we depart. But, she always greats us with great joy when we return from town. However, we'll need to work on the part about French kissing her owner when he isn't paying attention. Doggie tongues are just tooooo long! We're still dialing her in so the next update will likely be a bit more detailed.

We're short another apple tree. Seems someone or something/animal or such took exception to the sapling tree's attempts to survive the drought. I found the tree this afternoon stripped of its branches. They had been ripped off rather traumatically and I can't really account as to how it could have happened. It was almost like it had been run over with my lawn tractor but the grass around the tree was still un-touched. Weird. I'll likely re-plant it since it has hardly grown at all in three years anyway.  I lost a couple of others in the past couple of years so we're down to 5 of the 9 that were planted. I have a shovel and have some options so....no worries. 

 Missing also are a peach tree and three plum trees. I re-planted two more replacement vines and added three more. There are three more nectarine trees yet to be planted too. We got trees!........ including the small pomegranate tree that not even the drought could kill!

 The garden boxes are thriving, I'm pleased to report. Connie is babysitting them with much TLC and insuring their ability to turn into an abundant harvest. She's already think ahead to canning stuff. We don't call her "Connie the Canner" for nothing!

Wait until you see the new patio addition! Since we will have chickens ranging about, it became rather obvious that our nice patio would be a target for indiscriminant yard birds who have no shame at all. That means that we would be having to clean the patio and every....single....thing.....high....and ....low almost every day. With the local rancher's waning energy reserves being tightly husbanded, that's not gonna happen. So, our lightning-fast minds concluded that the patio should be enclosed with a latticework of some kind. 

We checked with our contractor, Rob Sanford, who advised that it would be a great idea and would be a straightforward project. And, since he was already here and working, he could start immediately upon completion of the coop. He did just that. In a few days we'll have a chicken resistant patio that will be safe from critters and most varmints. Hey....I may even break out the ol' barbie and cook up a storm (I like my storms medium rare, don't you?).

The materials are all here and much of the framing has been done. The main swing gate is finished and the two end gates are just about ready. Most likely, a drop roll screen of some sort will be hung so we can block the sun in the evenings and keep the skeeters out. We'll see.

Stay tuned. The heat is rising....the water is lowering....things could get....interesting around here. 

Princess Abbie

 This is Princess Abbie on her first day at the ranch. She's getting acquainted with her friends, the chicks. I think she thinks they are toys.

She is checking things out and enjoying all of the attention being the "new kid on the block". The dog really enjoys being a princess.

"Can I have one of those?!" is undoubtedly what she is thinking. We finally put a screen across the tops of the four boxes so she wouldn't help herself to a chicken dinner.

She's getting used to being outside. I have her on a nice long cable here but have since put the electric fence collar on her. She can roam all around the property that way and not just the front. For some reason, she isn't recognizing the doghouse as her friend. We're going to spiff it up a bit and make it fit for a princess. Perhaps that will make our little princess happy (uh-huh).

This is the carport that we converted to a coop. It has just been assembled and the roof put on. We installed a metal roof rather than the fabric one that came with the carport. The carport in front of the house doesn't fair all that well with its fabric cover.

The finished exterior of the coop. There is chicken wire under it too so that critters can't dig under it. The ground in this area is some of the hardest I've ever seen. Even a pick ax is useless against it (that's not an exaggeration). You can see the 4x6's as a base which makes the coop "portable". But, it's not going anywhere even in a stiff wind. The nesting boxes are being installed at this point.

Our garden boxes are almost ready here.

Connie the Canner prepping one of the boxes. She planted a bunch of stuff that day. There are still a couple of boxes to plant.

Springville really is a pretty place in the winter and spring time. It actually is green during that time but quickly turns brown when the water stops.

This is the bridge across the Tule River just about 1.5 miles from where we live. We're on the way home now (eastbound).

One of the homes near the "Triple R" development not far from us.

Taken from "Triple R" looking slightly left of due north.

It had to happen sooner or later and I'm pleased to report that it's sooner than later. After dear Maggie the Wonder Dog went to the great hunt in the sky, we were sort of on the prowl for a new pooch that could keep an eye on the ranch whilst we are gone. It wasn't like we were actually hunting for a dog. It was more that we were (more or less) waiting for the right dog to track us down. That's almost what happened.

Connie was trolling the turbid waters of Craig's List and had been catching nothing but bottom dwellers (for us, anyway). Seems like a large number of postings were either pit bulls or chihuahuas. That's not a bad thing; it's just not "us". So, she kept fishing and one evening she tapped me on the shoulder and....there she was: the prettiest little doggie I'd seen in a long time. Whereas, with the other dogs, I'd simply pass, it took exactly two seconds to say, "That's our dog!". I think I affected Connie's speech for awhile since she thought I would just make a casual comment then move on.

One of the reasons that she was a bit caught off guard was that I had said I would not drive 50 miles to fetch a dog. Guess what? The dog was in Visalia which is ....yep....50 miles away. *SIGH*. Goes to show you never can tell.

So, we called the nice people and advised them of our story about how we lost Maggie and that we needed another dog. They had already determined that, because of their love for the dog, she wouldn't be given to just anyone that came along. They chose us as the new owners. That made us feel really swell. We made an appointment to see them the next day.

Now, going to Visalia (a "real town") is a major event for the hicks who live in Hooterville, CA and who only get to go that far onest in awhile. In doing so, we planned to make a full day of it. That means that we knocked over "Home Town Buffet" for lunch and then "WinCo" supermarket for stuff that we just can't purchase anywhere near our blessed little area (that has promised to come into the 21st  century.....someday...yes...we're laid back here). After a couple of other short stops, we made our way to the folks who were going to give us their 6 month old puppy.

When we drove up, they were in the driveway (we had called ahead). They were super Christian folks who advise that, because of a serious event in their family, were not able to tend to the little dog and take care of her the way that they thought she should have been treated.

After we were all introduced, we met Abbie. It was love at first hug and tail wag. I was already hooked from just looking at her picture so I was smitten with this little cutie when she greeted me like I was a long lost relative.  The folks apprised us of a few more things and then we said good-bye. It was no trouble at all getting Abbie into the van as she hopped right in and made herself comfortable in the back seat. She didn't hop around and didn't go exploring. Blew my mind! There was no way I could keep from loving this dog to pieces. She snatched my heart quicker than a fly can dodge a swatter. This was our new "love dog" because she could dish out a ton of love!

This dog just oozed with class. Though not "papered", her blood line was obvious. She was a premier example of the "Treeing Walker Coonhound". Her intelligence was overwhelming and it appeared that she had had at least some training. Just taking her for a walk on a leash revealed that she was already "leash broke" and wouldn't pull you around ripping your arm off. You could tell that she knew what you were saying, too. Without controversy, she was true royalty.

Once we got home, she settled in without much of a hitch. Ah, but there were a couple of hitches. One was that she knew she was a princess. That isn't a good thing. She has a streak of rebellion that keeps you from being in charge if she has an idea that she deems more important than your idea.

That is particularly pronounced when we discovered that her housebreaking training was not quite complete. Oooooooh, swell. Within a day or so, though taking her for walks, this other hitch became apparent. She managed to produce a couple of "wet spots for joy" and each time we immediately took her outside. Then she made a real mess. Uhhhhh....real messes are not our friends and are not acceptable. So,  I cabled her to the tree next to the big doghouse in front and left her there most of the day (really long cable and lots of food and water).  The routine walks continued. All seemed well.

On about the fourth day at the ranch, I had determined to take her for her early walk. Well...seems like Miss Abbie just wasn't going to have any part of such a thing and invoked her highness. She hadn't quite woke up enough and didn't particularly want to greet the day or take on her early morning constitutional (actually, I didn't either but that's beside the point). You could see in her eyes what she was thinking: "I am the princess....you are not the princess. I am cute....you are not cute. I don't have to obey you or anyone else because you serve me and I do not serve you. I can do whatever I want whenever I want and shall select such times to do my business as I please. I've just been obedient to you all this time because I was in a good mood and was humoring you; you fell for all of it".

As I coaxed her toward me so I could hook her leash to her collar, she turned away in abject rebellion, headed up the stairs away from me and, half way up, promptly unloaded a.....really....really.....large.....heaping.....molten.....mess....which appeared to me to be....half as large as the dog...... .....gaaaauuuuuuuugh. That's not the way to start my day or to impress me because cuteness can only go so far in endearing my soul. My lightning-fast mind tried to make the best of things by piping in, "Clean up on aisle 9! Clean up on aisle 9!".

Of course, this prompted me to re-evaluate things and to perhaps lower my esteem of this royal little poophound. It occurred to me that I would probably start calling her "Princess Poo-Poo Pooch" (or "Princess Three P's"). That, however, was too cute in a perverse sort of way. The next moniker didn't go over well either; it was "Poop Doggie Dog".....still too much of a ring to it and she would probably end up on TV as a rap singer. I think I've found the right one. If she doesn't behave, she'll be tagged with this most unflattering, truly non-royal, and humbling sobriquet, "Princess Steamer". The dog needs to pay attention.

We live near Highway 190; the last thing on earth we want is a flattened coonhound puppy. So, we broke out Maggie's electric fence collar and strapped it on Abbie. Up until then, I had taken her on familiarization walks around the ranch using a long leash. She enjoyed every second of it (but we still didn't find a single coon).

The electric fence is a marvelous invention. It uses a 6V battery in a special case on a collar. When the dog reaches the limits preset then imposed by the controller box, it emits a warning buzz. If the buzz goes unheeded, and the dog continues beyond the limit, the collar delivers a high voltage shock.

As an aside, let's take a second to explore that dynamic. The first thing you think is "how do you get a high  voltage shock from a measly 6V battery?". They use a step-up transformer which multiplies the voltage to the desired higher voltage which is determined by varying the number of windings.  The next question is, "Well...doesn't that high a voltage hurt the dog?". Nope. Here's why. According to "Ohm's Law" (E=IR), voltage and amperage are inversely proportional. So,  when you double the voltage, you halve the amperage (voltage is potential or "pressure" while amperage is the actual "flowing"). A 6V battery starts with a maximum of just a few milliamps and that's not enough to harm anyone or any animal under any circumstances. When you do the math on it, the few milliamps end up being reduced to insignificance. You get the dog's attention without harming it.

Having said that, Abbie was taken outside for her usual walk and to explore the new boundaries then the cable was unhooked from the leash.  Being the rather astute hound that she is, she instantly knew that she was free and could exercise her free will any way she pleased (or so she thought). Away she went to hunt down some new adventure, some coons, and to explore the farm with that magnificent nose she sports.

As you can imagine, she soon found out things had changed. When the neighbor's dog let out a bark and challenged her, she sped toward him and almost immediately banged up against the unforgiving and ever vigilant fence. She let out a bloody coonhound yelp like never before! 

Have you ever seen a coonhound do the Watusi? How about the Watusi and a vertical aileron roll at the same time? She did both and hit the ground running at breakneck speed away from the barrier. You could tell by the most humble look in her eyes she wanted no part of that again. That electric fence demoted her from princess to janitor in no time flat. Of course, it took a couple of more lessons but she learned to heed the warning buzzer when it went off. We can now let her out to have plenty of sun and exercise.

We're looking forward to Abbie being our new Rancho Relaxo love dog from now on. We love her to pieces and with just a bit more fine tuning,  she'll fit in just fine.

The chicks are doing great and growing like weeds! We've been making sure that they are warm and well fed. We've even been crumbling up our stale bread for them as an extra treat. We'll likely get the "Pullet-zer Prize" for our efforts (I know. I know. It's a cry for help). They get to move into their magnificent new poop coop in a couple of days. It has to be tweaked and finalized then we can get the flock out of our house. Connie isn't at all happy with her kitchen and sewing room smelling like a chicken ranch. The yard birds will have to go.

We're going to add a couple of Guinea hens to the mix. They are good "guard chickens" (who woulda thunk?). Most likely, we'll end up with a goose or two as both "weeders" and guards. There's nothing like an attack goose to get your attention.

Who knows.....we may end up with rabbits too. I can see it now, "Wandy's Witto Wabbit Wanch". Has kinda of a ring to it, eh? 

Our family raised rabbits when I was about 13 years old. They aren't all that much trouble and certainly to do multiply without much assistance. They're good eatin', too. It's dark meat and a bit like chicken (you knew I was going to say that, didn't you?). But, it's the truth. Good stuff.

I grew up eating rabbits and squirrels. Just fry them up and dodge the buckshot when you dig in. The wild rabbits around here are a bit "gamey" tasting but that could be a seasonal thing as I don't recall that being the case prior to now.

That's the news from Rancho Relaxo. Hang around....things could get.....interesting. 

Rancho Pollo Loco

I'm not sure how many things or animals are as cute as chicks which, I think, are right up there with witto bitty baby bunny wabbits. There are 24 total but I have this sneaky suspicion that we may become a "chicken rescue ranch" or such. Good thing I still remember the Boy Scout motto, "Be Prepared"!

 When I asked the nice man at the local feed store about chicken scratch, he advised that they no longer use that for chicks. Instead they use this stuff. "Load it up!", says I. "Always feed your chickens", I always say.

This is the "un-hatched" carport that we are converting to a coop. The way we did it, we saved more than a payment on a new Ford pickup on fees, plans, materials, and extra time to build by making the coop "portable". The carport is built into 4" x 6" "skids" which are then anchored to the ground. The way that it's constructed, it isn't likely to go anywhere. It's also protected by the barn on one side and a row of tall trees on the other. No worries, mate!

You must have lumber if you're going to build, eh? Well, here's some of the materials and is the first of two such loads. If you've ever wondered what 801.57 dollars worth of lumber looks like, this is it. "Wooly Pully" is surely earning its salt today!! When we overhauled it, we had them install heavy duty springs on it so it will haul around a ton of goodies.

This is the area that I scraped off using the box scraper on the back of the Ranch Rhino. The tradesmen are in the process of putting the corrugated metal roofing material on. The little tree in the lower right hand of the picture is a plum tree that is in full bloom....in February.....which very much seems like...late March or early April.

 An almost-a-coop with a new roof.

You can see the framing in the back and along the sides at the rear. The laying boxes will be along those side walls as well as along the back.

Coming along nicely! The forward part will be a chicken run that is protected by a metal wall at the bottom half and chicken wire above that. I may put a large sign up that says, "No Critters Allowed" or "No Free Lunches" or something to that effect. I don't know; I haven't seen to many local coyotes sharpening their reading skills lately....just their teeth.

The coop is pretty well established but the boxes are not yet installed. With three walls and the vertical studs in place, their won't be a whole lotta shakin' goin' on.

The Rancho Rhino. I love this little guy. The Ford 8N was the first "real" tractor I drove when I was about 16 yrs old. The largest was the WABCO 222F/G, 21 yard self-loading scraper and the largest Caterpillar was the D-8. My favorite is the newer D-6's. Great tractor! The favorite self-loading scraper for me was the John Deere 15 yard 860A. Nice machine and fairly easy to operate. Did I mention that I love the smell of diesel smoke?

Well.....I suppose that it just had to happen; there just had to be a chicken involved with Rancho Relaxo. I mean, exactly how can you call a ranch a ranch if you don't have at least one chicken? In this case, it's actually chickens, as in 24 of the cutest Rhode Island Red chicks you can imagine. In fact, our chicks are cuter than the Kardashian chicks by a huge margin (though I may be somewhat biased in that opinion).

These are all pullets which is also to say that Ol' Ran and his sidecook, Connie the Canner, will have scads of huevos around the ranch. Connie is already looking for any recipes that have eggs as ingredients. "Huevos in the morning. Huevos in the evening. Huevos at supper time. We'll eat those yummy Huevos; we'll eat them all the time" (all you old people surely remember the pop song "Sugertime", I should suppose). Eggs are now permanently on the menu. This is a  good thing.

One Sunday, not long ago, we made mention that we had some plans for adding chickens to the ranch. We didn't advise that our plans were not all that well-formed and that our seriousness level wasn't exactly bending the needle on the "serious gauge". Perhaps we should have because one of the ladies at church ordered a batch of chickens for us! That sort of revved our plans into high gear because the chicks were set to arrive in only a couple of weeks! But, what are you going to do; are you going to complain about free chickens? Not today.

Did you know that "huevos rancheros" (ranch eggs) just happens to be one of my favorite breakfast items? Isn't that a neat co-incidence? You probably wouldn't be surprised to know that I also just happen to have a stash of chorizo stuffed in the freezer, now would you?  Mexican sausage is great stuff. However, you may not want to read the label because the Mexicans eat everything on the pig. Chorizo is made of the parts that are right next to the oink. This leads me to say that "Huevos con chorizo" is also high up on my list of favorites for breakfast. Bet you can guess that it's likely that I'll chuck "Ol' Ran's Pain-free Weight Loss Regimen" out the window for awhile, eh?

Connie rustled up four large washer/dryer boxes that serve as temporary chicken coops. She parked a couple of lamps on each one to keep the chicks warm and made sure that they had a feeder and water dispenser. The small concession we have to make is that the boxes are in the house which makes it smell like.....yep....a chicken ranch. It's a small price to pay for the excellent reward of fresh farm eggs in the near future.

How nice to watch the little cluckers grow as they covert from little fuzz balls with a beak, eyeballs, and spindly legs into fully-feathered fowls ready to make cackle berries for a living. Up to now, they have been feeding on "chick starter" but Connie just added leftover cooked oatmeal and some stale cake to their diet. We don't usually allow our cake to get stale so they may want to enjoy that treat as it isn't likely to happen again (at least, not on my watch). Soon, they'll be getting table scraps added to the scratch.

Of course, you can't have hens without a ....coop. So, that means that our "free" chickens will now cost us about a ton of dead presidents. We had some thoughts about what a decent coop would cost because we had looked it up online. But, when tractor-comes-to-tree stump, we saw that, to accommodate two dozen layers wasn't going to be.....cheep (sorry...it's a cry for help). The good news is that we have a contractor who is quite knowledgeable about such things and is helping us to dial in what he calls the "Taj Majal" for chickens (nothing like pampered chickens, I always say).

Actually, the "chicken palace" is a 10' x 27' steel pole carport with wood framing and such to  keep it stable. It's situated on the west side of the barn between the barn and a row of tall trees. The idea was to keep the brutal summer sun from baking our chickens (though I truly love baked chicken, don'tcha know). So, far there has been a lot of improvising (read: additional cost) so that things will remain stationary and we won't have to fetch our coop and chickens from the  neighbor's yard when the wind blows. There will be a total of 30 (double-row/stacked) nesting boxes across the back and sides. That should keep even the fussiest of old hens happy and clucking along with joy. The remainder will be a chicken wire enclosed "chicken run". Precautions are being made that will deprive the local coyote population of free chicken dinners.

We figured that it will take the sale of about 1,000 dozen eggs (about 3.5-4 years or so) to break egg-actly even on the deal. But, it looks like we'll be egg ranchers soon!  The best that we can tell, the local folks dearly love fresh eggs and we understand why. I grew up eating farm fresh eggs produced by free-range chickens and they're unbeatable. So, "Rancho Relaxo Real Eggs" should be in big demand. 

What with the batches of fresh veggies produced in our garden boxes, we may be setting up a produce stand alongside Highway 190 right next to the "Minnick Computer Services" sign. Maybe we could call it, "Zucchini Heaven Produce Stand" or such. How about, "Squash Me Gently Produce"? I know: "We Only Have Shallots For You". Maybe: "One Tomato, Two Tomato, Three Tomato, Four". "Eggs-cellent Vegetables", may work. Hmmmmm....if we add a hog to the mix (could happen!), then it would be "Greens, Ham, and Eggs". The possibilities are endless (and probably hopeless if I'm allowed to extend my creativity).

When the cluck-asauruses are comfortable with their new digs, we may let them free range. They keep the insect population under control while they fertilize the farm (fertilizer is our friend). They are handy critters to have around. There has to be a new guard dog to watch over them, though. The local four-legged chicken snatchers are pretty crafty. Connie, the Chicken Grandma (has a nice ring to it, eh?), has been watching Craig's List and such for a new guard pooch that will fit the bill. Lots of prospects but nothing has really captured our interest. Most have been too far away and I  refuse to believe that I have to drive 50 miles to find a dog (and won't). Porterville isn't a "real town" yet but we do have plenty of dogs from which to choose.

The garden boxes are pretty much prepped but for the addition of a couple of extra sacks of "make it grow" stuff. It'll be "some of this and some of that" this season. Squash is always a winner. Just throw water at it and it will certainly grow. Tomatoes are a must and green beans have made the cut as has okra. Man does not live by bread alone; he's got to have okra. There are probably twenty different types of seeds on hand and not enough room to plant them all. Connie will see that the important stuff gets planted. "Watermelon", you ask? That may work! We'll see. In any case, can't wait all that much longer or it will throw off our schedule. 

The rains finally came again and gave us a wee bit of wet. The mountains got more than a dusting but still not enough to be called a "real" snow pack. It's supposed to rain again tonight so more relief is on the way.

The "Ranch Rhino" has been tuned up and is all set to go. She purrs like a puddy tat. I used it to flatten out the area where the new coop is located. Likewise, the little "RanchoToyo" pick-me-up truck is tuned, the brakes are overhauled, and the cooling system has been tidied up (it was leaking). Now for the other equipment with a motor on it. I need to make sure that the portable generators are ready at a moment's notice and the chipper and tiller haven't been started in awhile. The trike starts easily but it needs a new rear rim. That shouldn't be a big deal except....the only bike shop in town (there are 65K people here)....doesn't ....speak ....English. I may just order one online and be done with it.

The computer biz is still keeping me busy and occupied. It won't be all that long that I'll be the "village blacksmith" and no longer needed. It'll be some time yet, though. By that time I'll probably be ready to just let it go and focus on full-time ministry. It's not "work" for me as I enjoy the challenges. Guess you could call me "Randy the Tinker Dude".

More later. We'll be adding a rooster to the equation at some point. That could easily be newsworthy. So, don't touch that digitally manipulated, rotating knob, connected to a splined shaft that controls the ganged capacitors which control the tuning of your electrically-powered, A/C rectifying, RF detecting, direct conversion, audio amplifying device that feeds the AF output to a cone speaker, and that sports a lighted LCD display. 

RANCHO MUY VIEJO

Well....here we are again. It's the beginning of a new year and all is well but all is speeding by way too quickly (as though I haven't said that before). So, I thought what I might do is just bellyache about how old I'm getting then show a few pics of the Ol' Ranch over the previous few years so we can see some changes and such.

"Viejo" is the Spanish word for "old"....yep....that about 'splains how we are starting to feel around here now that the shiny new calendar spat another year in our face. "Rando Gringo Viejo" may have a bit of a ring to it but....I may just go ahead anyway and forsake any Spanish I've learned over the years and go back to Ol' Ran (which strangely has only a smidgeon of an age connotation). Besides! I can't possibly be 66 years old! It's more like I'm 36 years old with 30 years of experience! So, my body is lying to me (nothing like one's birth date to interfere with a perfectly good delusion of youthfulness, I always say)!!  

It's not that my entire body is feeling old, mind you. Just the other day I found a place on the heel of my foot that wasn't complaining. Well, come to think about it, my earlobes have been silent in the conversation, too. So, all is not lost. May I tender that it really does help to use a moderate amount of the traditional mood-lifting black elixir of life, espresso coffee. It assists in mitigating the soul's weariness and to sets it free so that it may soar above the doldrums of life (albeit, oh, so temporarily).

Why would a fella want to complain about his age when he can't actually be "old". After all, it's only been about 50 years since I graduated from high school! I mean, it certainly seems like only a short time ago. Aren't the sights, sounds, and smells still fresh in our minds? Doesn't the music from that era still ring in our ears and souls? Can't we still hear the rumble of the hopped-up cars that proudly roamed the streets just waiting to show off by wasting gas and "laying rubber" from a stop light? Can't we still taste the 20 cent  burgers, 10 cent fries, and 10 cent Cokes from Coleman's?  Can't we still feel the vibration of the ill-fitting roller skates at the "Skateway" roller rink? How about the stinging shyness at our first "Sock Hop"? That's still stuck in the frontal lobe on the third brain cell from the left!

Oh, bother! Can't we just ignore the stupid calendar?! Seems reasonable to me (but it is conceivable that age does weaken a person's grip on the reality of time...double DRAT!). Maybe we old people don't even want to engage brain cells in pondering such mysteries of life as we still have more important things on which to expend our mental energies.  Ah, but what comfort it brings when you caress the soul with the warm memories of years gone by.

Moving along....this prime time reminiscing session has been brought to you by the "Group Hug and Clouded Memory Club" sponsored by the old folks here at "Rancho Relaxo".

Now that that's out of the way, here are a few random pictures from the ranch. My hard drive crashed recently so I lost far more pictures than I want to even think about. I had them backed up on a nice 3TB external hard drive that I managed (without help from a single other soul) to pull into the floor to see if it would bounce. It did....but just ....once (my  lower lip stopped bouncing after awhile too). So, I don't have any recent pictures that can be posted. *SIGH*. 

This is a "faith" picture of our garden boxes. That means that we are speaking of those things that are not now (our boxes are an unprepared mess right now) as though they were (just like this picture presents). Just think; in only a few days of back-breaking labor, we will soon have verdant prosperous garden boxes in our back yard! 

This is the cage that now protects our previously unprotected trash. Nothing like well-protected trash, I always say. The idea being, of course, is to keep the critters (of which there are no few around here) from dining on our ex-lunches at their leisure. The dining part is not such a big deal. But, boy! Are they a bunch of inconsiderate slobs! You should see the mess they leave behind!

This is our sweet little storage shed we call the "igloo" (is that obvious or what?). This little guy just fits the bill for storing some of our goodies like lawn mowers and other power equipment. I keep a few gallons of gas on hand in there just in case one more more of the old ranch hands forget to get gas for the other powered stuff around the ranch (keeps us from being tempted to speak "French" should we run out of gas just when we need to use the weedeater). It's a converted cargo container from an early Boeing 747 freighter. Later containers are not made of fiberglass and are not so easily reconfigured. Lots of envious local folks when they saw this handy gadget                                                                                     being modded.

"Ol Ran, the Bee Man", they call me! Well...that's one of the things they call me (and it could be worse, eh?). I want to say that someone could realistically get by with calling me "Ol' Ran, the alien with surround sound ears and a snare drum head". My friends, the bees, don't seem to be particularly offended by my not appearing to be all that human. I left behind a couple of gallons of fortified sugar water so they would know that ....are you ready for this?.....I come in peace.

Not too many things as cute as a mourning dove. This is "Lovey Dovey" our resident baby dove production plant. She blessed us with three crops of chicks that we got to watch grow up. She's sitting on the first two here right at our back door. She broods two eggs at a time. The other two times, she hatched them in the hanging flower baskets on the front porch.

We really love our pole barn. We had no idea when we had it built that ...it would be too small. *Sigh*. The "Rancho Rafto" is the 14' aluminum fishing boat to the left of "Heffalump" the 6' x 12' covered trailer. It has yet to feel the cooling waters of the nearby lake. Next to the boat is the "Ranch Rhino". It's a little 1950-52 Ford 8N tractor with a drag scraper hooked to its three-point hitch. I would own an 8N even if I didn't need one. I love the little buggers and have since I first drove one in 1965. Next to the 8N is usually either the big 27 hp Craftsman lawn tractor (the 8N has 40 hp) or the 5' x 8' stake-side trailer.
Now, that's a handy gadget to have! I can haul anything!
When we had it overhauled, we had the guy put in heavy-
duty springs so it can literally handle a one-ton load!

Here's shot of the front of the barn. The window above is my "radio shack" which also double as my "fishing shack" where I clean, service, and store my fishing tackle. I have some SW gear and some VHF/UHF scanners up there along with a laptop and printer. A CB rig is up and running but it's only hooked to a mobile antenna. I need to finish up with my ham gear. The antenna tuners are ready but the antennas themselves have yet be strung and tuned. Maybe on my next.....day off. The little pickup is our ranch fetcher and shagger. It's the main garbage hauler when we hook the stake-side trailer to it. It's a "Toyota" but I could swear it's built by "Timex".

No trip down memory lane would be complete without a shot of "Ol' Maggie the Wonder Dog". Life just isn't the same without this "love dog" and I truly miss her. She was a hoot to the end.

Here's grandson, 12 year old Thatcher, standing next the 8N that he just conquered. He's now officially a tractor driver. He wasn't the least bit afraid and took to it like a turtle to a lettuce patch. His 10 year old sister, Liesl, not to be outdone, likewise, showed the tractor who was boss! She owned that thing! She was fearless! Yes...that is the igloo in the background diligently guarding our goods. And the trash cage can be seen doing its duty as well. 

No trip around the ranch would be worth much without getting to see the latest addition to the "family". Meet "Cafe Roma", a sweet little (but rather weighty!) like-new, low-mileage espresso brewer built by Breville. It brews espresso magnificently and is actually better than my other one. My big espresso maker is also made by Breville and is a more expensive unit. However, it needs more attention than I can afford to spend on it at this time (perhaps on my next day off). So, Connie, bless her darlin' heart, found this cutie on "Craig's List" for 35 bucks!! That's 35 with a capital Three! It retails for about 269.00! We were the first to call and I doubt if it would have been available for a second inquiry. 


 

RANCHO ENERO

Whew! Once again the first of the year is rocketing by with no regard for my comfort level! Here it is the middle of the month and I’m still waiting for the month to start!

We’ve kicked of the year at “flank speed” and it’s not likely we will decelerate to “slow ahead” any time soon. I’m not convinced that our old barges were meant to go this fast!

The Ranch is still trying to handle to effects of all the goodies we hauled back from our vacation. Stuffing and stowing our booty isn’t always easy since the space in the barn and garage are already pretty well accounted for. We always think of something. 

Well….Ol’ Ran’s head has a couple of extra holes in it. Seems that the tooth fairy has fallen on hard times and wanted her money back from when I was 7 years old. I said, “Fat on you! I spent it!”. The next thing I knew, she snatched 4 of my teeth and left me with a couple of gaps. You know times must be tough when the tooth fairy turns into a thug. *SIGH*.  I'll have to take an antibiotic for a few days and so, far, I don't need any pain meds at all (after the first day). That's nice. 

The weather has been very mild again this January. It’s hard to complain with your day time temps are in the 60’s and you're wearing short sleeve shirts. We even had one day in the upper 70’s! There was a couple of days it did get down to below freezing but, by mid-day, the temperature was back up in the low 50’s. It doesn’t appear that we experienced any frost damage at all.

The bad news is that our precip levels are only about 25% of normal. That’s not good. It remains to be seen what will happen if we get hit with another dry year in a string of them. The state has passed some remedial legislation but they don't tell you the downside of such power grabs. Between the state and the Feds, they have commandeered all authority of all water resources even private well water on private property. But, they're "here to help", right?

Guess which “Computer Dude” is having computer issues and had to rebuild one computer and is in the process of doing the same to another? Yep…the “Grand  Exhausted Computer Poohbah”, that’s who. My big custom-built studhorse quad-core machine decided to go on strike. It’s hard to imagine a big bad beefy box going south on you at the most inopportune time but it did.

We were in the middle of publishing the church bulletins when it croaked. I haven’t started pulling the covers off yet because I don’t have time. Thankfully, I had just rebuilt my other big bruiser, the Dell XPS420 quad-core stomper with 8GB of ram. I replaced the motherboard and both hard drives and I dual-boot to Win7 and Win XP. The Win7 hard drive is 2TB and the XP hard drive is 320GB. Both are running as smooth as buttermilk. The hard part is bringing all of the software up to speed.

The good news is that I backed up most of my docs and such on both of them because I’m really sensitive about backing things up. Wanna know why? Because recently  I accidently pulled my 3TB external back up hard drive into the floor and killed it along with untold numbers of drivers, docs, pics, music and such, that’s why. Hard drives don’t cotton to being dribbled on a hard floor.

My heart sank lower than my jaw but I had to be careful not to be too tough on myself because Connie doesn’t take to anyone beatin’ up on her hubby. I could have ended up with some bruises.

It’s already time to start preparing our garden boxes for spring planting!! We’ll need to strip off the top foot or so of compost and replace it. We’re not happy with last year’s crops at all. This time we’ll probably add some top soil and make a mix. Our friend, Rudy in Springville, just uses the straight stuff and his garden grows like wildfire. Ours just needs to be fine tuned, I suppose.

A couple of apple trees along our front driveway need to be replaced, too. One of them didn’t thrive so that gap has been there awhile. Then, during this last yard sale event, someone backed over one of them and wrecked it.

Likewise, a couple of our vines need to be replaced. The replacements are patiently waiting in their pots but someone (ahem…wonder who?) needs to dig a hole….with a shovel….straining their latissimus dorsi, abdominal, and lower back muscles.

Oh, yes….then there’s the peach tree and plumb tree replacements too. I really think that the Ranch is soon going to see a couple of shovel-toting young fellas working around her for a few hours instead of the old muscle-protecting ranch hand. Whoa!! I just got a loud “AMEN!” from my gluteus maximus!

And, we are getting ready to have a chicken coop built!! There’s still a lot of planning to do but it should be….interesting. Chickens are fairly easy to raise but they still require work. Yet, nothing beats farm fresh eggs from free-range chickens. Most likely, there will be 6 or so layers to start with. There may be some “meat chickens” as well. We have options.

Our bees are happy and healthy. "Uncle Buzz", Dave Cruz, our friend the beekeeper, gave them a clean bill of health the other day. In a few days, we’ll feed them some sugar water. The bloom will be returning soon so we won’t have to feed them again for a long time.

Would you believe, there’s still stuff that needs to be stowed from our last yard sale and after hauling stuff back from our vacation too! Looks like we may be hiring a herd of helpers to help us get these energy-robbing chores done! I turned our upstairs mezzanine area into an "eBay" and "Craig's List" work room, too. So, there are all kinds of sell-ables hunkering in every imaginable corner and stacked all over. That all needs to be pared down and sold. Looks like I need another day off!

Lots of things need to be overhauled around here too. Most of the motorized equipment/tools need to be de-winterized and such. My motor powered trike needs a new rim. The old one is bent. Connie’s trike needs to be built! I’ve not done that yet!! There are still two more small motors that mount on bikes that need to be installed. Did I mention that I need another day off? 

Before I forget, I post this newsletter on “Facebook” for friends and all but also for relatives for whom I don’t have an e-mail address. My database was lost during my computer crash so it’s not that I am trying to snub anyone. If you can send me an address, I can restore it into my contact list (swordman1949@gmail.com ). Also, you might forward to others so I can stay in touch with them too. Thanks.

Speaking of “replacements”, we’re still trying to find a nice pooch to be our guard dog. I’m still thinking that the dog will find us first. The place just doesn’t seem quite right without a dog. The dog house is a mansion so the new tenet will feel special, no doubt. Not sure yet what we’ll name it but a couple of names have been floating about our noggins for awhile. We’ll see.

Anyway….that’s the news from “Rancho Relaxo”. Stay tuned because things…..just might get….interesting.