RANCHO SPRINGY DINGY

 

Welcome to the "Rancho Relaxo" blog for April! Surprise! This month's issue is not on time. That’s probably because things are still rather hectic around here. We’re busier than Wal-Mart on Black Friday!

Anyway, the Ol' Rooster and Ol' Hen just wanted to share what's happening here at our humble rancho nestled in the fabulously lush, and resplendent-with-flowers, verdant, and dang-near-Irish-green, foothills of the Sierra Nevada Mountains. We've had a couple more inches of rain so far this season and it has taken that amount of wetness for the trees and flowers of our hills to finally break forth into glorious splendor. Though, technically, this is our rainy season, we’re not all that hopeful that we’ll be getting more rain even if the rest of the state has to be hauled out of the Pacific Ocean and shoveled back in place because of flooding. Lots of broad smiles and sighs of relief in beautiful downtown Springville! The indescribable aroma of orange blossoms is well on its way and my bees are praising the Lord for the huge bloom! Anyway, thanks for dropping in at the Rancho Relaxo happy huevos industrial                                                                    complex.

Click on pics to enlarge

Wanna see my new Sekely wagon?! We have a really nice smaller wagon similar to this big one but, the other day (when lots of things happen around here), we ran into a yard sale (no news there). The gent who runs it buys huge pallets of stuff that are returned from Walmart, Target, et. al. then he sells it on weekends. We had already priced these things prior to purchasing our existing red hauler. Wagons the size of the one we have now sell for $90-$120. This one sells for $159.00. So, we were more than thrilled when the guy turned this one loose for (hang on to your blanket, chief!)....40 dollars! Zowie! Oh, but there's more. He charged us 40 bucks for the wagon but there were a couple of armloads of other things that we had put in the wagon! The goodies in the wagon were free! Zowie x 2!!! Yards sales are our friends!

The snow got down to about the 2,500' level recently so Black Mountain got a good dusting of the white stuff. The weather warmed up pretty quickly so it didn't last long. 

What did last was the snow pack. It's still sub-par but it's better than nothing. This shot was taken on Success Valley Drive just off of 190 and looking NE. 

To the right is a humdinger of a handy gadget to have around. It's a big heavy VacuPack sealer. We've had it for 7 or so years and it gets a good workout every year during harvest times (and whenever). It doesn't look heavy but it certainly is! The bags aren't all that expensive when you buy them in bulk. 

The other day was a really busy day. The sprayer hose on our sink gave out so it was determined to just buy another sprayer and pop it on. Sure. This is Rancho Relaxo where you just never know what's going to happen around here. When the new sprayer was being screwed on, the PLASTIC fitting broke off the fixture. GREAT! So, a new fixture was in order. 

Off to Lowe's we went where Connie the dishwasher picked out a really nice new one. Notice that it perfectly fits the kitchen decor. The sink was replaced a couple of years ago so the kitchen looks really nice now. I place the decor timeline at about 1950 which fits the old Luddites quite well (we even have kerosene lamps if we need them!).  

This is a shot of four feral hens who have been showing up for breakfast for the past couple of months. They were very very skittish so it didn't take much to spook them. However, after sprinkling chicken scratch around the front of the coop and near the door, one of the birds ventured up close to the door (which I conveniently had held slightly ajar). She followed the "bread crumb trail" up to the door and I gently booted her into the coop. If that doesn't just float your rubber duckie, a second hen did the same thing and I helped her to go inside. The next day, a third bird did the same! Now, we have three new egg factories to help keep the ranch going! The fourth bird hasn't quite settled down but she probably will ultimately find here way "home" with her sisters. There was a rooster but he hasn't been seen for quite awhile so it is suspected that he became a chicken dinner somewhere along the way. 

Strange things happen around here from time to time and this was perhaps the strangest in a long time. During the feeding time a few mornings ago, this little gal was lying stuck and almost paralyzed in the mud. The coop had flooded due to the rain and when that happens, we get a real muddy mess in the coop. Somehow, she managed to not only get stuck, she was so mired down and covered with mud that she couldn't move! Part of the issue was that our ground/dirt is clay based and it's like concrete when it dries. So, I found her lying helpless and being trampled over by the other birds. It took about 20 minutes to rinse her down and get most of the mud off. That was no small chore because the mud was so hard and thick! We brought her inside where we wrapped her in a towel and put her in a box to get dry. Before we left for town, we checked on her and it appeared that she wasn't going to make it. Since there really wasn't much we could do for her, we went on our way. Imagine our surprise and relief when we returned to find her quite well and ready to go back to the coop! You just never know. 

We happened upon a fire along the Tule River where there are numerous homeless encampments. We knew right away what this was since it is a somewhat regular occurrence. Since it had just started, we called 911 and reported it. The FD was on scene in about 8 minutes or so. This shot was taken at the 500 block of W. Springville, Dr. in Porterville. 

 

Tip O’ the Day:

“Always use the restroom before you put your spacesuit on” – anonymous (but probably Flash Gordon)

And now, a word from our sponsor:

This issue of Rancho Relaxo is brought to you by “Pretty Patty Pendanger’s Portulated Pembletons”. Now, these are the best “Portulated Pembletons” that money can buy! You cannot...I say...you cannot get better “Portulated Pembletons” anywheres! And, folks, they're made right here in the good ol’ US of A. You can get your bountiful supply of “Pretty Patty Pendanger’s Portulated Pembletons” at the Wal-Mart, KMART, Speedy Mart, Rapid Mart, Quick Mart, Save Mart, and all those marts where those guys have them towels wrapped around their heads. Tell'em the Ol' Rancher sent you. You'll be glad you did!

Holy “Reese’s Pieces”, Batman! It’s April! How did that happen?! It’s only 259 days until Christmas! We best start shopping! Moving along….

Rancho Relaxo Report:

We are moving along here at the rancho (we do a lot of that around here). There' s a possibility that the two occupants here at the old folk's home are not quite ready for the hustle and bustle of springtime, though. But, since there aren't many alternatives, we're forced to grapple with reality and will try to hustle and bustle the best we can.  

Our birds are thriving and our dogs are digging while we are getting our one retarded duck in a row (do you have any idea just how difficult that is?!). There are a number of things that will just have to wait (again) until we can get to them. Otherwise, all is well and we are quite the blessed rancho. 

Some/most of our rolling stock isn't rolling and that is an issue. Hondo, the Four-Trax quad hauler, is down and Ranch Rhino, the Ford 8N tractor, is down. The riding lawn tractor, Rancho Clippo, needs a seasonal tune up (which it needed a couple of seasons ago). It'll need to be hauled down to Porterville Ag-Home soon. The robust Echo weed whacker is OK as is the hefty Echo leaf blower. That's good but just about everything else that has moving parts is in some kind of need (including the old folks). 

The fencing around Connie the Washerwoman's clothes lines needs to be replaced and the area needs to be relevelled after Fuzz Doggie Dog ended his gold mining job there (we hoped he would hit the mother lode). For now, it's filled with potholes and it's a great place to break an ankle. Not good. We're tying to get him to stop digging so many holes around the property but I think his cheese has done slipped off the cracker. He's not changing. 

The four once-glorious-now-idle garden boxes are seriously due for a major overhaul or replacement. That was a major undertaking ten years ago. It is even a more major project now because the labor force is ten years older (no one voted for that). The cost of wood has placed it on the, "Hey, we can always win the lottery", list for now. An alternative would be using concrete corners specifically made for custom building raised garden boxes. But, again, the wood would cost the price of good used car (OK...maybe more like a good used motorcycle). As it was, I think I recall that we had about 600 bucks in the project at the time. It's now about four times that! Who knows? I may win the lottery but.... I'd have to buy a ticket. *SIGH*

Zee  Rain, Boss! Zee Rain!

 We did get rain recently. Our seasonal total is far being met but no one in this part of the state is complaining after being hammered by a six year drought that isn't officially over yet. Nevertheless, it's really great to see the color GREEN again after so many months of seeing BROWN (we kid ourselves by calling it "California gold").

Zee Flood, Boss! Zee flood! 

There can be an issue with "zee rain" and that is "zee flood". The Placid Pecker Palace is built in a low spot next to, and on the west side, of the barn. That's a good thing during the summer when the sun bakes and bleaches everything here at the rancho (including chickens). We try to take good care of our dirty birdies since they do such a great job of providing us with high-quality cackle fruit (and a chicken dinner if our roosters don't behave). Having said that, the coop flooded after the recent rain. Swell. Well....having a slick muddy floor (which, in places, is 6" deep or more) in your chicken coop isn't a good thing...at all. Let me 'splain that to you. 

Not long ago (but longer than the other day), it was time to make the clucking crew happy again. This "happy time" is when, from outside, a scoop of layer pellets or chicken scratch is chucked in at the back of the coop. Then entire team cuts in their afterburners to be the first to grab the first morsel of chicken scratch. It's nothing but a furious flurry of feathers! Only God knows why most of them are not killed in the crush because it's one huge chicken wreck! 

After that trick, the front door can be opened and a few boxes of vegetables can brought in and distributed (wherever) in the coop. This time, it was near the rear where the only reasonably dry place resided. Things went downhill fast from there. 

All things that could precipitate a real doozy of a fall conspired to assail the Ol' Rancher's structural integrity: a snot-slick muddy bog, a loose rubber boot (shoulda worn fatter socks), a quick move, and a moment's inattention was all it took to win the gold medal for coop gymnastics. 

The impact sequence is pretty easily described: head tuck, shoulder roll, a beautiful last second sprawl with the obligatory hand flailing, and schhhploooop!, down for the win! Many thoughts raced through my mind as I lay there squirming in and coated with mud that was thoroughly mixed with...um..."UGH!" stuff. It's bad enough to wade through it but, to make an off-airport crash landing in it leaves one almost speechless. Some of the words were kept to myself, especially the first one (though it was a very accurate summation of the matter). Though the move was executed with precision, guess who was quite underwhelmed? 

Amazingly, the first words uttered were, "That was interesting". Thank you, Mr. Spock! Looks like Ol' Ran wasn't wasting his time as a teenager watching every episode of "Star Trek" ten times for nothing, eh?

All seriousness aside, there really is no way to describe experiencing a surprise attack by a mud hole when you aren't really in the mood for a full-body mud and excrement bath. The Rancho coveralls were a true mess, too  (Connie the Washer Woman wasn't thrilled). Thankfully, the gymnast's trajectory was the winning way and 215 pounds of pink flesh smashed into a large mud hole. Swell. Of course, the chances of not hitting at least a small mud hole in the chicken coop that day were about 1:100, but I digress. As Rancho Ran's mother used to say: "Do a job big or small. Do it well or not at all". Thanks, Mom. No disappointment that day. Nailed it with a "10".  

Similarly to the previous hard fall in the coop (at least Ol' Ran had sense enough to do it when the coop floor was somewhat dryer), an assessment had to be made so it was triage time. There seemed to be no missing parts despite one gluteal area near the hip which cast some doubt the matter. After a few wiggles of the appendages and a slow test to see if the spine was willing to return to its original vertical configuration, it was deemed that the elderly body, though not without pain, was capable of continuing without medical assistance (and hoping that a couple of Ibuprophen would make the day better). 

It could have been considerably worse given that there were two large chicken roosts at hand.  Had the flailing been in another direction, the result of crashing on one of those would have been far worse. The thought of narrowly avoiding a subdural hematoma or a 20 stitch gash by a coon's hair was somewhat therapeutic. Nevertheless, it can be asserted that, somewhere along the line, there was a temporary failure of a sense of humor.

Nevertheless, the Ol’ Rancher lived to feed chickens another day and he has officially resigned from the Coop Olympics. He's good with the single win. 

Face off with a middle-aged Mutant Ninja Chicken or He pecked me first!

Oh, but this is Rancho Relaxo where you just never know. The adventures seem to never cease. Some odd days after the mud bath event, everything was proceeding on schedule. A rather big box of lettuce leaves was being spread out so that whatever other soft veggies/fruits from the box could be sliced up with the Rancho machete, Señor Whacko. Melons need to be sliced up as do other things that have tough exteriors.

You'd think that, after years of herding chickens, that the Ol' Rooster (some of the hens actually squat when I come in. I'm just sooooo honored) would pay attention every millisecond that he's in the coop. However, simple routines can easily cause one to lose focus and drop his guard leaving him vulnerable. 

Anyway, all was progressing smoothly until Harvey Henbanger II sauntered over and pecked me. This is not an unusual occurrence and has it has even been reported in the blog prior to this time how he just wants to be the first to be fed. However, being busy, busy, busy, Ol' Ran was trying to get out of the coop and back to house where it's a threat-free environment and where they serve pretty good coffee. Since he pecked me first, I hastily and forcefully swatted him away from me and proceeded with the chore. Oh, brother! Forcing the huge rooster to raise his hackles wasn't wise. Getting in hurry and not paying attention brought with it a price to pay and it wasn't pretty. 

In only a few seconds, he blindsided me with the force of a sledgehammer! I wish this was an exaggeration but it truly was not! His spur pierced my wrist inflicting about a 1/4" deep stab wound while his talons scratched the other side. It would have been much deeper but the spur hit the ulna bone. But, the force was utterly unexpected! I've never been staggered by such a small animal! Connie the Nurse patched me up with the proper antibiotics and administered Ibuprofen and, of course, some TLC. The wrist was swollen for a few days but quickly retuned to normal with only a large bump and a couple of scars remaining. Methinks that Harvey is going to end up being invited to the next BBQ. 

Tasty Burger or Pass the fries, please!

You can’t quite walk into a spanking new “Tasty Burger” without raising at least one eyebrow at such an inauspicious, dated, corny, and perhaps naive name as that. It’s like they searched and searched all over for a name for a burger joint and found the last remaining unused one in the entire world. 

It sort of reminds me of a trip I was on heap many moons ago (and no few suns, too!). I was headed northbound to Idaho and stopped somewhere on the east side of the higher up regions in Oregon (near Bend or Redmond, maybe?). We stopped for lunch at a smallish place where they had a sign that said, “Best hamburgers in Oregon!”. Hmmmm. Interesting. 

Not being one to pass up the “best hamburger” around, I asked the pleasant young lady at the counter, “I’d like one of your burgers but I need to have you sell me on why it’s the best one in Oregon”. With a cute sheepish smile, she stated, “I’m not sure”. Well, all I could do was grin too. Her humbleness sold me on the burger. One burger, one Diet Pepsi, and I’m back on the road again. The burger was the best one within probably a few miles or so. Not bad, at all. Moving along....

 We waited a couple of weeks for the crowds to die down before trying out the place. It was fairly certain that, anyone who would name their place "Tasty Burger" would have to live up to the fanfare or they would be out of business quicker than you can shuck corn. So, without trepidation, we took our place in the fairly long line (which was to be expected). 

Interestingly enough, though the burgers were tempting, we ordered their 20 piece chicken nuggets with fries menu item. The 11.99 price was particularly alluring because a similar meal at Wendy's is about 50% higher in price. After all, the place wasn't going anywhere any time soon (and they didn't) so we opted to check out their burgers later. 

We usually split larger meals like this anyway due to the fact that, during the previous 60 years, both of my legs had lost their ability to be hollow. That and, nowadays, I can almost wave a menu over my head and gain 6 pounds. So, we try to be wise old people. 

Well....Lo and behold! The nuggets were fabulous and hot and so were the fries! That lunch was so good that when we returned a couple of weeks later, we ordered the same thing again! No disappointments! A week later, we returned! This time, Connie the Canner also wanted to try the chicken strips and one of our friends ordered the shrimp basket. Neither of the ladies were able to finish such large portions so you know who was glad to assist in the anti-waste (pro-waist) efforts. 

As a card-carrying member of "The Cleanup Crew Association", it was my pleasure to sample the remaining chicken parts and pieces to insure that the restaurant lived up to our expectations. Connie advised that her strips were too difficult to eat. I concurred so that item was scratched from the menu. The shrimp were OK but, if I want shrimp, look for me at Morrow Bay or Pismo. 

So, it looks like we'll try their burgers next time!! We're looking forward to that since the old folks are true burger fans! 

 Well....there you have it: another short episode of the long happenings at Rancho Relaxo (aka “Dos Acres”): home of Rancho Ran, the world's least-most greatest authority: home of the Yo-Yo  twins and  three ducks that we try to keep in a row (one of which is retarded): home of Connie the Canner, the world's greatest side-kook and CEE (Chief of Everything Else): where the air smells and where alliteration reigns supreme: where being modern is optional and where there are no slaves to fashion: where the eggs are always mostly fresh: where things can get...interesting: where it's all news to me and where...you just never know.