Feliz Año Nuevo 2024

 

Greetings and welcome to the "Rancho Relaxo" blog for January 2024. The Ol' Rooster and Ol' Hen just wanted to share what's happening at our humble rancho nestled in the ever-so-slightly- green-tinged foothills of the Sierra Nevada Mountains. The weather phenomenon known as “El Stupido” is wreaking havoc on some parts of the country and wrecking other places with its intensity. Around here, there isn’t any wreaking and wrecking happening other than the raining on our hope for having an actual winter season. Weird, eh?  

Nevertheless, a great expectation of wetness has been forecast (though not without a lot of hedging and foot shuffling from the clueless weatherman). Like last month, the few drops of “mad rain” we’ve had so far are disappointing but are still enough to be encouraging. No “Tule fog” so far this year but we're not even holding our breath on that one. Being able to see what's happening on the other side of your front yard is a good thing. 

Click on pictures to enlarge

On December 31, Connie was disassembling the tree and this is what I saw when I walked into the living room. "Hey! Great idea!", says I. Not being able to read my mind, she was a tad confused. "That's brilliant! You took off most of the lower branches to make room for more presents! I love it!". Perhaps you've seen a woman's non-descript face where you can't tell if she's going to dope-slap you into next Thursday, laugh at you, or sell your dumb carcass to the Gypsies (or all of the above). I couldn't tell but the evening ended well and I was still without pain and she (weakly) conceded that it wasn't a terrible idea.

The little egg at the top of the basket was, at first, thought to be a "practice egg" from one of the pullets. Finally, it was realized that it is actually an egg from one of our two Bantam hens. We'll use them for when we only make half a recipe. 

This little cutie is one of our pullets. I haven't named her yet but "Snowy" may work.

This is "Big Bertha" the freeze dryer. Its compressor failed which necessitated a trip back to the factory for an overhaul. Life in the big city, eh? It's on a pallet getting ready to be covered then strapped down. It was shipped out a couple of days after this. It's right in the middle of the holiday season so it'll likely take a few days longer than the three weeks they estimated that it would take to get it back to us. We miss this big baby. They just sent notification that it was being shipped home so it'll be here in a few days.

Tip of the day: 

Marry someone who has a different favorite cereal than you so they won't eat all of yours - Anon.

 

 And now, a word from our sponsor:

 This issue of Rancho Relaxo is brought to you by "Tiny Tina’s Tawdry Tilly Tudders”. Now, these are the best Tawdry Tilly Tudders that money can buy! You cannot...I say...you cannot get a better Tawdry Tilly Tudder anywhere! And, folks, they're made right here in the good ol’ US of A. You can get your bountiful supply of "Tiny Tina’s Tawdry Tilly Tudders” at the Wal-Mart, KMART, Speedy Mart, Rapid Mart, Quick Mart, and all those marts where those guys have them towels wrapped around their heads. Tell'em the Ol' Rancher sent you. You'll be glad you did!

Well....it’s….it’s…January 2024!! How did that happen so quickly?!! Just when we are getting ready to commence to start (thank you Jethro Bodine) assimilating the impact of 2023, 2024 shows up! Doesn’t that just make you want to rejoice and blow your sackbut? In 1958, it took two years to complete a year. I'm not making this up. I was there and remember it well. It took forever for a year to lapse and get out of the way so another new one could take its place. Today, for a year to lapse, all you do is celebrate the New Year, do the Hokie Pokie and turn yourself about. Just like that; you are facing a new year!! Something is wrong...very wrong...with this picture. Moving along...

Covered up or Laying on layers: Since January is here, Connie the Canner is getting her "winter clothes" in order. So far it looks like she can insulate Alaska. She's prepared for whatever nature throws her way. Her (outdoors) comfort zone is around 78-80 degrees while the Ol' Rancher's is about 50-55 degrees. Anything lower than that, he needs a long sleeve shirt. Jackets are reserved for the 40's. It's easy to say that there just won't be any shivering happening on her watch. 

Feasting is the reasoning for the seasoning: There are a lot of things that Ol' Ran can live without. But, oxygen and Mexican food aren't among them. The other day (when lots of things happen around here), a friend of ours gave us a half dozen homemade tamales (bless his little Mexican heart). That kick-started Ol' Ran's heavy duty saliva glands and a feast was planned. It was the perfect time to launch one's saliva production since Christmas was upon us. 

To do a fiesta up right, there are some "must have" ingredients. One is tortillas. Just like Okies simply can't eat without bread (or BISCUITS! Just ask Little Jimmy Dickens!), it just isn't a fiesta without tortillas. Guess what? Ol' Ran (son of a California-improved Okie) keeps a large stack of tortillas in the fridge for just such a time as this! They are seriously handy to have around and make for  scrumptious eating for hungry family members. 

Now, home made tortillas are the best way to go. If you can accommodate the manufacturing of them in your kitchen, they are to die for. They melt in your mouth and are wonderful! Second best is to get them fresh (still warm!) at a local Mexican deli. If you can do that, do so without hesitation! You won't regret it! The last time I bought fresh warm tortillas, only half of them made it home alive. 

The other main ingredient is refried beans (you know. The musical fruit). Eating Mexican food without refried beans (with very few exceptions) is tantamount to eating a ribeye steak without fries or a baked potato! God forbid! Guess what, again? The Ol' Rancher keeps several cans of "frijole refritos" in his pantry! Boy, howdy! Being a "prepper" comes in handy!

And, if you are in a good mood and want to add a little class to the act, make your own refried beans! Oh, let me tell you, neighbor! That's the sure way to crack open some culinary delight! There are as many recipes for refried beans as there are abuelas. Just make one or all of them! You can't go wrong! 

One of the Ol' Rancher's favorite methods is the one where you use a little bit of bacon grease or lard (to taste) and just enough salt to pick things up. Hooooo, doggies! That there is some good eatin'! Another favorite is to head to the Mexican deli and grab a half-pound of chicharones. To hit this recipe out of the ballpark, don't use the pre-packaged "cracklins"  or "botaneros". Those are good and they'll work just fine. Instead, if you want a powerful-good treat, get the deep fried pork belly type that has meat on it. It's expensive (8-10 dollars per lb) but you'll likely only need a quarter pound. The good news is that you get to eat the rest of them out of the sack and they are DEE-licious (this is such a great recipe, eh?)! 

Then, whack it up and add it to your home made frijoles (crock pot or pressure cooker). First, mash up the beans as much or as little as you'd like (some folks like smoother beans while others prefer lumpy ones).You can used canned if you're in a hurry but it just isn't the same.  Then, add the chicharon and mix well. You can add a little onion, proprietary spicing or what all, and even splash in some "heat", if you'd like. Make sure that they are served up nice and hot.

The tamales were nuked in the microwave until hot then added to the feast. Man, oh, man! Did we "git down" on the grub! 

Chinese Chow or Oodles of Noodles: Speaking of holiday feasting, New Years eve was on Sunday so Marvin and Jean Statler, who attend our church, offered to take us out for a Chinese buffet lunch. Well, I have  a simple policy which is, when someone throws food your way, don’t duck. So, we headed on over to the “L&D Chinese Buffet” on West Henderson there in Porterville.

The place was busy as can be but there was plenty of chow for the ol' chow hound. So, it didn't take long to have a fully-loaded plate that (maybe) only had room for one more crispy fried noodle. Most of the pile consisted of the wonderfully hot fresh-out-of-the-deep-fryer breaded shrimp. I probably shouldn't brag but I hurt the shrimp population that day. Reckon that was done just to make sure that I don’t fall victim to anorexia (a fella can’t be too cautious, don’tcha know).

 To make a long story longer, we finished our feast, headed home, and took a nice nap! Naps are our friends. That's the way to do Sunday! 

Fuzz Doggie Daddy: Most of y'all know that we have two doggies: Princess Abbie, who is the “I wonder what she’s doing now” dog who is smart as a whip and as handsome a little lassie as can be. She's a bit stubborn and leans on her own understanding a lot more than we prefer. OK. She's a bit mule-headed but still as sweet as over-ripe peaches. And, she can tree and fiercely bawl mouth a coon with the best of the Blueticks. What's not to love? 

Then, we have Fuzzy, the obstreperous and wandering-not-so-wonder dog. Despite his pristine pedigree, his demeanor proves that he is still a plebeian pooch without polish. He's a carefree Labra-Doodle who was born to wander...and chew...and destroy...and chew again...and tear apart...and...and. *SIGH*. As you may remember, he wandered off next door and banged the neighbor's bulldog and became a father at a rather young age.  He's a barely a year-and-a-half old and is already a real neighborhood celebrity. 

He also has no aversion to hauling off the waders that his owner sometimes forgets to stow after using them. So, there's no detective work needed to figure out why one of the boots is missing when it's time to feed the chickens or who swiped it. All it takes is a quick trip around the house to see where Fuzz Ball, the sneak thief, has hauled it off to. 

His creative thinking became an issue the other day when he wandered a bit too far. My neighbors reported that he, Abbie, Bella, the bulldog, and Pedro, Bella's little compadre, crossed the "big road" (CA-190. which is about 100' from our front door). That won't work! Bella was killed and only God knows why any of the others weren't. Some years ago, the neighbor across the street (now moved away) lost three of her dogs to "the road". 

That prompted Ol' Ran to immediately make the executive decision to curtail his curiosity by shackling him with the electric perimeter fence collar. The collar keeps him close to the house but allows him the freedom to run and play and get plenty of exercise (just ask Abbie who daily romps with him).

The good news is that he isn't like Missy, the Husky. I loved her but she was just an over-the-top, full-throttle, sled dog with no sled to pull. It was 0-to-60 in a blink with her. She was a highly intelligent pup that has an uncanny talent for "problem solving" (as in, escaping from any tether, rope, chain, or straight jacket). Missy also had a perennial lust for chicken dinners that never seemed to be sated. She took down 50% of our chicken population so we needed to let her go. She now has a nice home in Posey which is up in the foothills about 22 miles (as the crow flies) south of here. 

Wier haben kartoffelpuffer Or Show me the taters: I must confess that I'm "meat and potatoes" guy. Spuds are my friends and I go out of my way to regularly invite them for dinner. Mashed, nuked, boiled, roasted over an open fire (really good stuff), cooked in the upper deck of the BBQ grill (muy beuno!), French-fried, hash browns, potato chips, hassleback, baked, twice-baked, in soups and stews, scalloped, or au gratin: they are all close to my starch-lovin' heart.

If they are French-fried, the need to be fresh out of the deep fryer (or "off the broiler" if you order from "Burger King". You know: "Have it your way!"). They need to be "rip-your-lips-off" hot. Not that I can even explain that phenomenon. It just is what it is. I love hot food.  

Anyway, when I stumbled into a recipe for "kartoffelpuffer", I had to try it. In some recipes, they are called potato pancakes and in others, they are very similar to the Polish "latkes". In any case, they are all wildly delicious! The street vendors in Berlin usually make the pancake style which is loaded with onions and uses a thinner type of batter. They're cooked on a large griddle along with the egg pancakes. 

As you might guess, there are as many recipes for "kartoffelpuffer" as there are Grossmutters. Thankfully, it couldn't be any easier. I like to cook both the pancake style and the latke style. That means that the leftover mashed potatoes can be used for potato pancakes. If the taste changes, the box grater is whipped out and grated taters are used. Grab your favorite search engine and punch in potato pancakes or "kartoffelpuffer". You'll fall in love with them! 

Well....there you have it: another short episode of the long happenings at Rancho Relaxo (aka “Dos Acres”): home of Rancho Ran, the world's least-most greatest authority: home of the Yo-Yo  twins and home of a retarded duck: home of Connie the Canner, the world's greatest side-kook and CEE (Chief of Everything Else): where the air smells and where alliteration reigns supreme: where being modern is optional and where there are no slaves to fashion: where the eggs are always mostly fresh: where things can get...interesting: where it's all news to me and where...you just never know.