RANCHO KOOLIO JULIO

Here are a couple of zukes that were hidden under some of the large leaves. Connie the Canner shreds the large ones, freezes them, then uses them later when she bakes zucchini bread.

Behold! The enemy! This is one of the tomato worms that attempts to lay waste to our tomato plants. The damage has been minimal so far. The real damage has been coming from the chickens and the fuzzers.

It’s July and we’re past the half-way point in the year! Doesn’t that just make you want to break out your “Beach Boys” album and start waxing down your surfboard?! Yeah….well…maybe not. Waxing is too much work and work is not our friend (eh, Maynard?).  Moving along….

Well, here we are stuck in B’gaaakistan again. Reckon you can say that forced hunkering and being stuck are about the same thing. At least it’s not in Lodi….again. This too shall pass.

Lots of things are happening at the ranch (as if that was news). Seems we never run out of things to do, things to fix, or things to replace; there are even a few new things to experience.  Like:

Spray it on me, baby!: some months ago, a friend and brother from church and I installed a new white porcelain dual-basin sink and a new faucet in the Rancho cocina. Connie the Canner had plumb worn out the old one to the point that she was afraid that her dishes would drop through (that only took 25 years).

 Now, you would think that, after almost a year, the old sink installer would have become familiar with the use and operation of the new sink. Uh-huh. Let me tell you how important it is to pay attention to detail.

While using the pretty gleaming white sink, there were some (espresso) coffee grounds that had escaped being flushed down the drain. Not wanting leave a mess in Connie the Canner’s gorgeous sink (and not wanting to shoulder her judgement and consequences for being so careless), I grabbed the hand-held sprayer. Every sprayer that that I’ve ever used has the actuator lever placed on the outside of the grip: not this one. This one has it on the inside of the grip. So, when Mr. Spiffy squeezed the grip, he was holding it backwards and got himself a nice quick shower. See how important it is to not be in a hurry and to pay attention to the little things in life?  *SIGH*.

Showers of blessings (or how I stopped worrying and started loving the john): before proceeding, a confession must be made. When the “toilet paper” crisis slammed into tens of millions of poorly-prepared panicky poopers, the old timers at the rancho didn’t notice the matter at all. I mean, this is not exactly a Charmin-free zone. Being an old Boy Sprout married to a super canner gal meant that we were way ahead of the wiping game.

However, being the somewhat bright LED’s that we are (depending upon who you ask), we realized that, in a real crisis where there’s no TP, no barrowing of TP (would you really take back used TP?), no shipping of TP, no pulp mills and no pulp wood for the pulp mills to make toilet paper, no corn cobs, no Sears catalogs (oh, the days), and nothing left to squeeze, we would eventually run plumb out of that humble-but-critical commodity. Time for a backup plan: “Plan B for Bidet”.

Being an “early Boomer” (born 3 years, 3 months, and 28 days after WW2) surely qualifies me to be labeled “old fashioned”. I was, after all, fashioned in the old days only 45 years after man’s first successful powered flight. With that qualification, let’s just say that the Ol’ Rancher would be caught thinking of using a bidet right after the thought of climbing the highest mountain on the moon….naked.

Enter cousin Rod Sanders (PUHS ’66). Unfortunately, he is suffering a sciatica issue that limits his range of motion so he installed a bidet at his house to help with the matter. Obviously, the pain has forced the old guy to advance further into progressive thinking than his younger cousin.

So, during one visit (which was to fix a printer, as I recall), I had to use the restroom. When I walked in, I noticed that something new had been added (wasn’t that an ad jingle from about 1960? Tide, maybe?). It was obvious what it was. But, though this old traveler has run into lots and lots of strange, wild, wacky, and crazy things (in more than one country and on more than one continent), he had yet to run smack into a bidet.

OK…time to check this thing out and see what makes it tick. I’m a knob kinda guy so the large chrome knob was given a twist. Well… I guessed (correctly) that you needed to be sitting down on the thing prior to twisting its knob because I hosed myself and half the bathroom down quicker than you can slip on an icy Chicago sidewalk. Way.. to.. go.., Ran.

My real concern was what to tell Connie why I looked like I’d just run through the lawn sprinkler in my street clothes. A bit of splashing around while rinsing my hands made for a fair cover up. It looked like I was in a hurry and not paying attention while I washed up (so, I guess I’m all washed up now). The result of my experiment was kept safe (until now). 

After a short talk with Connie about the economic advantages of having a bidet, we poked around on Amazon and found the hiney hoser we wanted at a reasonable price. In only a few days it appeared at the door (amazing!). And, in a few more days, when the ol’ plumber had a…day off (well…sorta), the bidet was mounted and tested (no tools required! Zowie!).  

We can now get that big job done and save money on toilet paper (saving money is our friend)! The bidet’s the way!

The newness hasn’t worn off yet so the joy of having one hasn’t abated. But, we all need to know that a bidet is an “IED” (an improvised enema device). You really need to pay attention when you twist the knob to “full bore” as there is sufficient water pressure to do more than just get your attention. If you are too quick with the trigger, you can turn a mundane chore into an eye-widening adventure. That’s enough for now lest this turn into a script for a raunchy comedy skit.

Thar she blows! Or, so long, Coop de Ville:  we have a bit of sad news: the Coop de Ville, our faithful, hard-working, high-mileage, hoopie, bit the dust the other day (when lots of things happen around here). Reckon it finally decided it had had enough abuse. The engine very likely threw a rod because there is oil in the coolant and the engine is frozen up. The ol’ girl will be missed and we will always be grateful for her service.

It wasn’t really a big shock when it was discovered that the cost of repair was three times the value of our beloved junk hauler. A remanufactured engine, tranny, removal, re-installation, core charges, tax and all, was 11K+! So, we decided to look for another one.

We need a big van; it's an indispensable tool but auto manufacturers aren’t allowed to make them any longer (not sure why the government thinks that we won’t be needing to carry things larger than a couple of suitcases).

Now the good news; in almost no time, we found another Ford Freestar with relatively low mileage on it (88K - ours had 230K on the clock) and in excellent condition! 

The one we found is actually the "Limited" model (ours was the SE) and is gorgeous and in excellent mechanical condition (even the CD player works; ours flaked out)! It also has the 4.2L engine which ours had and which is needed for towing our trailers. We’ll pull the trailer hitch off the Coop deVille and mount it on the new van. We're thinking that we should  just transfer the name over to the new van while we’re at it and call it, "Coop deVille Too".

We will be driving to Boise, ID next week to pick it up. On the way back, we'll head to WA to see the kids for a day or so then head home, A neighbor will babysit the birds and Abbie while we're gone. It's not exactly a vacation but it'll do for now. I'm taking a different route than I've been before so the scenery won't be boring.

To make things even nicer, Connie the Saver has a handful of food gift cards; it won’t cost us anything for food for the entire trip! We have everything from IHOP, Five Guys, Taco Bell, Home Town Buffet, and Subway to Black Bear Restaurants. Free food is our friend!

How Does Your Garden Grow?: the garden is going along fairly well. The harvest is slow but sure. We're having the usual raiders like fuzzers, critters, and bugs that demand a free lunch but the fight isn’t over. There are some ideas about tenting the boxes with bird netting. We’ll see.

Our zucchini are plentiful this year though the yellow summer squash are languishing for some reason (we did get a few of them). The tomatoes have a great presentation but many haven't survived the predators. They’re slow in ripening this year due to the cooler weather. There are three Romas and three Beefsteak plants but only one ripe Roma tomato so far.

The Japanese eggplants are doing well and the first handful has been harvested. Someone needs to get them cooked and plated ASAP.

Likewise, a few okra pods have ripened but not enough to have a mess of them. That won’t take long, though, until we are swimming in them. Gotta love okra because you’ll never run out of the stuff once it gets to rockin’.

We've got three Peruvian "zapollo" calabasa squash plants that are thriving (directly from Ica, Peru!). They produce huge fruit but are under siege by leaf eaters/cutters so we'll see if we even get any this year (we’re trying not to use pesticides if we can help it). They are cooked and used like any other edible squash (similar to a pumpkin).

Medical Update: half the year has elapsed and, after 6 years, Ol’ Wingnut is still fighting with the FAA to get his medical restored. I’ve done everything they’ve asked for (and passed). And yet, though they have not declined the medical, and though I’ve been “signed off” by my cardiologist and every hoop has been jumped through, they still want more information because…..more time has elapsed! Grrrrrr.

It takes about 3 to 4 months for the FAA to respond after the paperwork is sent in. Because of the virus issue, an extension had to be applied for (from April to Aug) so it will take yet more time to finalize this matter. The next phase (stress test, full exam by the cardiologist, blood work) will be finished in two weeks and will be sent in. Then comes the wait. They’ve delayed my return to flight for 6 years and I think that’s ridiculous.

The really infuriating thing about this is that, after my last check up the (new) cardiologist advised that, according to all of the testing and blood work, he doesn't believe that I even had a heart attack since there's no presenting evidence! Grrrrrr x 2. 

Checkin’ out the chickens: the clucking crew is doing OK but a couple of them have turned broody on me. Not sure how to deal with that but it isn’t a biggy. We still get a lot of eggs (14 hens) which is enough to give away some and even sell some from time to time. Most are used for barter. How cool is that?

That’s all, folks: not much else happening (especially the “not getting any fishing done” part). We hope to give the old folks some slack at some (indeterminate) point. There is lots and lots to do and accomplish but we hope to go fishing while there are still fish in the creek.

There you have it: another short episode of the long happenings at Rancho Relaxo, home of Rancho Ran, the world's foremost authority (the previous one died) and Connie the Canner (world's greatest side-kook): where the air smells like fried okra: where things can get...interesting: where it’s all news to me: and, where...you just never know.