Rancho Año Nuevo

Here are the garden boxes that Rancho Ran cleaned out. They will need to be tilled and a bunch of new compost added. The compost will, of course, come from the compost pile out back. We've named it, "Back 40 Compost". After all of the seasoning and a couple of dead chickens added to it, it should be pretty rich stuff by now. It just got a good stirring the other day when Rancho Ran used the Ranch Rhino to mix it up.

This is a shot of us heading southbound on Mooney Blvd in Visalia. It's just to let you know that we do get out of town once in awhile and that it does rain in our neck of the pavement. We had just knocked over "Home Town Buffet". That was so we could be in compliance with scripture where it says we are to "buffet the flesh" (the "Randy Revised Version" of the Bible).  About a mile further down is our destination: Costco. Costco is our friend. 

Well… here we are again, all you fans of fabulous and fatuous felicity (and who are commonly called “goofballs”…you know who you are). It’s a new year and the time when all of our molecules get excited about what it will bring.

Connie the Canner can’t wait to see what it will haul in for the old folks at “Rancho Relaxo” ( AKA the “Lazy R Ranch”… so, we’re not expecting any power tools). She’s already getting busy planning for spring cleaning (which, around here, is usually the month after winter begins). She already has packed two barns worth of “stuff” into the second story of the barn and is getting ready to add to it.

Rancho Ran, on the other hand, probably knows what it will bring and it isn’t likely going to be a…day off. Most likely, it means that a new year will bring about as much frost for his hair as there is lead in his pants. This is probably not a good thing (and the thought of which really does make his molecules move much more slowly). 

Y’all already know that a new year brings with it an older Randy. To me, a birthday is about as welcomed as a leaf blower during communion at an Episcopal church. However, to assuage the impact, I think I may have discovered that the uninterrupted celebration of birthdays is the key to longevity.  Nevertheless, I seem to have the attitude of the gent on whose tombstone is written: “I came into this world without being consulted and am leaving it without my consent”. I also heard a rumor that aging is a slow cure for fast-acting stupidity. May...it...be...so.

I have never given mental assent to (much less fully ascribe to) this dynamic of the deterioration of humans’ mental and physical wonderfulness as being imperative. It seems that humans have this interesting defense mechanism that says, “This can’t/won’t happen to me”. Ol’ Doctor Ran just calls it the “Reality Denial Syndrome”. The next thing you know, it has happened to me, too. *SIGH*.

I don’t plan on being dragged into...ahem…maturity…kicking and screaming. But, I may do a bit of carping and moaning. Why? Because the undermining of my physical prowess likely means that it may take more time to get things done around here. That, of course, leaves less time for a…day off… and that makes me want to up and heave a few dirt clods into the air.

Would you like to know the real kicker about being part of the “spit and whittle” crowd? You can no longer blame any of the stupid things you do on being a kid. Drat.

I’ve learned a few things about getting older. For instance, I’ve learned that cottage cheese is the breakfast of …ex-champions. And, I’ve learned that “growing old is not for the faint of heart” (attributed to Gloria Swanson, as I recall). I’ve cottoned to (an eliding contraction of the term “caught on to”) the thought that you really do need to pay attention to your diet.

Accordingly, at some point, yogurt will need to be added to the list of “things good for your health”. Ol’ Ran, the basic slow learner, has only recently come up to speed on this healthy, tasty, and utile food. We’re even pondering how to cook East Indian cuisine with it.

Lately, we’ve been strip mining our local “Grocery Outlet” store where they kick certain food items out the door just prior to their expiration date. Wouldn’t you know that yogurt is on that list!  Talk about a “bargain”! We’re picking up all kinds and brands of expensive yogurt for 17 cents per container! 17 cents (let’s hear it for 1960!!)!! The Rancho Van is always full of their less-than-a-buck goodies when we go to town!

I’ve been eating so much of it that Connie is starting to call me “Yogurt Daddy”…shortened, of course, to “Yogi D”. I can just see a new singing career blossoming! Eh? Beats working for a living!

¿Tenemos pollos? Well, we certainly do, farm fans! It’s time for the Chickening Report: dealing with our brooder brigade has been an interesting and very informative gig. We’re learning on the fly with something new jumping out at us on a daily basis and causing an occasional ground loop and a busted wing from time to time.

One new issue (and one that we thought we were ahead of) is predation. The best we can tell, rats are gaining entrance into our coop. Oh, great. It’s bad enough that we’re contending with egg sucking dogs but now we’re contending with egg sucking rats. It was also bad enough to find that they were dining on the wiring in the engine compartment of our van (“Good bye, Mr. Bill”. That would the 100 dollar bill for repairs, that is). I wouldn’t be surprised to find that they even eat bowling balls.

It didn’t take long to determine that three things had happened: one was that we should have used “half inch” chicken wire instead of the larger “one inch”. 1” doesn’t seem to be very large but we’re finding that it’s more than ample room for the rats around here. We just now found out that a rat doesn’t have shoulders so it can squeeze through a quarter-sized hole (0.955 in). How convenient.

Secondly, our 10’ x 10’ coop section isn’t secured on the inside at the eaves. That’s probably the least of the issues. In fact, it may not even be an issue but we’re checking it out. 

Thirdly, the new front chicken run wasn’t secured in at least one place (this despite emphatically advising the builder, Harold, the importance of securing the the entire area. *SIGH*) and this allowed a relatively huge 2” access point in one corner. These things left the coop accessible to several murine invaders who seem to love eggs for breakfast. ..and lunch…and dinner.

When there are predators present, chickens simply shut down egg production. That surely helps to explain why we have 70 chickens (20 were stolen…yes…there is now a lock on the door) and only a handful of eggs per day.

We’re making a list of supplies needed to affect the repairs and will execute the plan of attack when the weather cooperates with us. It should only take a few days of work to get the place secured.

You wouldn’t think that it would take that long. But, it appears that we’ll need to evacuate the litter, install the bottom screen, install the side screening (over the 1” chicken wire), and re-install the litter. This is not at all considering that we may have to relocate the brooder brigade during the overhaul. “Help, Mr. Wizard! I don’t want to be a chicken wrangler any longer!” “Drizzle, drazzle, druzzle, drome. Time for zis one to come home” (for all you Tooter Turtle fans out there).

All of this chickening stuff has given me cause to pause and ponder some things. For instance, when I was a teenager, I wanted to be like Captain Kirk from Star Trek. Instead, I ended up being Captain Cluck from Springville. Still, so far, nothing has converted me into being an ex-happy rancher.

Weather report: está lloviendo. It’s raining. It’s about time. Just when we were thinking that we’ll be stuck with “California gold” for the rest of our days, the weather broke and showed mercy by pouring a bit of moisture on us. That means the color green will be around for at least awhile.

I’d be obliged to know how many local people came from the southlands during winter time and saw this gorgeous green area and decided to move here. When summer hits and they and everything they own gets scorched, shrivels, or turns to brown dust, they go, “My GAWD! What have we done?!”.  They panic when their relatives refuse to visit because they don’t want to have to call a tow truck to unstick them from the melted pavement every time they stop their car. About the only positive thing they can say when folks call is that, “It only took twelve seconds for Fluffy to dry after her bath this week”. Just curious.

A couple of weeks ago, it rained a bit. This time, we actually got two pitiful bits. I haven’t seen the tally but I think we got more than ½”. OK. I already know that, in some places, that’s barely a warm up for a real storm. But, we have to settle for what we get. This is, after all, the “Land of Sunshine” and not the “Land of Soggy Bogs”.

Well…as my old friend, Joseph II, ruler of the Habsburg lands (actor Jeffrey Jones in the movie, “Amadeus"), says, “There you have it”, neighbor. That’s the latest from our miniscule geographical location on planet Earth.

We here at the ranch want to express our best wishes for all y’all for this shiny New Year. May it be an excellent year of prosperity and peace (despite the best efforts of the entire US and state governments to deprive us of both). Take care all you kith, kin, and kool kats (it’s a jungle out there!). 

Stay tuned for the next episode of the sub-exciting adventures of Rancho Ran and his side cook, Connie the Canner (brought to you, of course, by new and improved, “Rinso” laundry detergent).