RANCHO SPIFFO

Well…it’s spring time here at the ranch and it’s time to get a bit of hustle and bustle happening. You know, on second thought, maybe we’ll just do a semi-hustle for now. Not a lot of pep in my step at the moment and my bustler may need a tune up and I don’t want to risk breaking anything. In any case, it's time for a "new and improved" Rancho Relaxo.

Part of the springtime improvement is a new pants size for Ol’ Ran. I can hardly believe it. I’m wearing a size 36 slack (well! That only took a decade and a half!). We’re going to be on the lookout for new duds since the old duds won’t fit the old dude.

There’s a lot to do, of course, and astonishing little time in which to get it all done. Not the least of chores is starting our garden for the year. We only have the four above ground boxes but we’re already thinking about hiring a crew of Mexicans to till and plant for us. That probably won’t happen for any number of reasons. But, the main reason is that we forgot to learn to speak Spanish fluently. How convenient.

Actually, we don’t do too awfully bad with español and are in no real danger of starving to death in a Mexican restaurant. Connie took 4 years of Spanish in school while I had to learn a bit of it here and there. All I had to do was….show up in California. It's amazing how much of a foreign language you can learn when it's forced upon you ....in your own country....and there are no choices or options....in a free country. Having worked in the ambulance business for a few years helps some too. Lots of sick Spics out there.

 Anyway….we have a bunch of seeds to choose from too. We made sure of that during the previous couple of years by stockpiling. You’d be surprised to know that seeds go on sale from time to time (like mid-winter) and you can even find a closeout occasionally. Guess you could call us a “seedy” bunch around here.

We have just about everything on hand that one could ask for. There’s corn, green beans, zucchini, yellow neck squash, peas, okra, tomatoes, and what all that I can’t recall. I need some taco seeds so I can get a large crop of tacos. That would surely cut down on my prep time for dinner. All I would need to do is open a can of frijole refritos (refried beans) and dig in.

We’re not entirely sure what crops we intend to coax from the ground this year. The previous season’s strawberries are prospering so we won’t have to replant those. Our Okra Winfrey (Boo! Hiss!) did fairly well but we really didn’t mind it as much as we should have and didn’t reap a lot of it. So, we may not go that direction this time though I truly love fried....in lard or bacon grease.....okra....often....served with ....fried.....potatoes....and cornbread...and beans and bacon/ham hocks. Did I mention that I may keep my size 38 slacks? 

Peas….ah…now those will be planted for sure. Connie digs peas so those are a definite item. I can almost see the flashing of her canning jars now. They’ll match her huge store of green beans from last year. Green beans just don’t get any better than hers!

The lady is a pro at it and you should see her do her stuff! She has a huge pressure cooker into which she can steam about 8 large quart jars at a time! I thought about using that big beaut to whomp up an army-mess-hall-sized batch of ham hocks and beans. But, all I got was the “evil eye”. I’m pretty good at interpreting “eyes” and knew right away that I had overestimated the matter. No go, bro.
 

The grounds need a “haircut” around here or we could lose respectability in the hood. After our brief fling with a few sprinkles of rain, some of the grass decided to grow meaning that the ranch is starting to look about as scraggy as Maggie the Wonder Dog. Our hired hand, Gary, will soon be called upon to tidy up the place with his expert weedeater skills and such. However, he can’t get here for….a week. Next thing you know we’ll be known as Rancho Shaggy-o. *SIGH*.

We did get the ranch van, Ol’ Hoopie, shined up a bit here lately. She had suffered a bit of humiliation a few months ago when she got clobbered by some flying junk. But, now she’s smiling like it’s Christmas. Jose’ and the vatos (danged if that doesn’t sound like a ‘60’s band from Tulare) down at the paint and body chop shop made her look really swell. That and a new set of Pirelli shoes and she’s good to go. The old girl lumbers on without complaint…still talking about the van.

 Shoot……Connie and I even gave her a bath and cleaned the inside too. That was long overdue. Every time she would ask me where something was in the car I’d tell her to look next to the elephant. She’d look me right straight in my pretty brown eyes and say, “Uh…there’s no elephant in here, hon”. I’d look at her askance like she was a tad goofy and say, “Of course there is! It’s right next to the dump truck!”.

 So, we had to finally clean out the elephants and dump trucks so we could maintain some sense of civility. “Green Acres is the place to be. Cluttered living is the life for me”…well….maybe that’s not the way the tune goes. It's been awhile, you know. Connie is slowly and patiently training her hubby towards "un-cluttery" ways but I keep telling her that it’s difficult to teach an old gorilla new tricks.

Wouldn’t you know that I’ve about reached the end of the tread wear on my haircut too. I get lots of mileage out of a good haircut so I’m not to the point to where Maggie and I are twins yet. But, with only a little inattention, that could happen. My bet is that my sweetie Pop Tart wife will just drive me to the shearer’s office soon and save me from being hauled off by the dog catcher. That’ll work since I’m not sure that I want to be shackled to an appellation like, “Pastor Scruffy” or “Brother Fuzzybum”.   

Connie is spiffing up the front porch now that the weather has calmed down a bit. The wind knocked over some of her potted plants (no…I didn’t say “pot plants”, silly) and broke them. She bought one really nice replacement the other day at the “Rescued Treasures” thrift store in Visalia for only a couple of bucks. Sweet.

She has a knack of making the place look super (in spite of my best efforts to make the place look like a sale barn). We are often complemented on our home and how cozy and countrified it is. It is indeed but only because of a lot of talent and hard work by one very special lady who lives here. She has a sharp eye too and can spot a home improvement item in a heartbeat! It is spotted in half the time when it’s on sale or is being sold by our old friend, Clarence Sales.

Another point of “spring improvement” is the replacement of our bees. I guess the rent was too high so they all up and left …..again. Actually, the ants got to them and they left. This is the second time that the ants have driven off a hive. They were fine a couple of weeks ago. But,  within that time the ants forced the bees to swarm. We’re taking measures to insure that it doesn’t happen again. Brother and beekeeper, Dave Kruze ("Uncle Buzz" to his friends and relatives, don'tcha know), is bringing us three more hives to help us maintain our honey supply. Honey is our friend. 

Though our previous flock of bees recently departed, they left their honey (how…sweet…of them, eh?) so Connie processed 34 cups of the abandoned honey. So, there will be no reason for things to go …sour …here for awhile.

That’s the updates from the ranch. Hang around and you too can be spiffy.