FEBRUARY?!! You Can't Be Serious!

Well, well, well. It’s February again and ….so soon, too! Someone needs to ‘splain to me how it can be 2012 while I’m still waiting for Y2K. Perhaps the new fangled high-performance Lithium Ion batteries on the market are pushing my old clocks into overdrive. For all I know, the new Star Trek DiLithium batteries are probably being used. Hey, I stick a memory chip in my computer and it talks to me just like it does when Spock does it! Who’s to say that these potent little space ship powering battery packs aren’t already on the market?

Things are moving along briskly here, to say the least. Not a complaint, of course. We don’t mind kicking along here at the ranch (though we would like to make a bit more dust in the process). We’ve had a number of new clients and our regulars are still showing up. It’s great when your business is located on the only road in and out of town, eh? Most of our clients are dear friends by now and a few of them are at least third cousins. It’s great!

We’ve just about wound down from our vacation trip. For some reason, all of that great Texas cookin’ and fresh Texas air has given us a heapin’ helpin’ of Texas-sized blahs. We seem to be short of steam lately. There seems to be about enough steam to blow the dust off a small chicken but that’s about all (and that’s if we double team him).  

Here at the ranch we’ve been waiting for Old Man Winter to drop in but he’s somehow lost his way. My guess is that his Garmin 430 GPS is broken. There was a rain storm forecast for Tulare Country the other day. Springville managed to get its share of the six drops that made to the ground.  My hope was that we would at least get enough rain to wash the coffee off the side of my van. I parked a cup of warm Starbucks on top when I loaded my guitar after church but….forgot it and drove off. Reckon the old girl will soon get a new year’s bath (the van, that is). El Cheapo wanted to save ten bucks but it didn't happen. Though not particularly vain, I do try to at least knock the chunks off the hoopie when I drive in public. Most folks around here are about ready to hire the local tribe of Tule Indians to do a rain dance. The trouble is that they own a Casino now and they’re too busy and prosperous to fuss with such low-paying seasonal events.

Can you imagine experiencing “winter” and only getting to wear your nice leather jacket twice all season (and that was actually more for decoration and not that I needed it)? Connie decked me out in a long sleeve shirt a couple of times too. If that isn’t enough to make you bark at your bulldog, we’ve had the A/C on in the van several times so far!  We visited the kids down in Harbor City/Torrance not long ago (January is supposed to still be winter) and it was 79 degrees! During our trip back east this previous December at Christmas time, it was 72 degrees in New Orleans. The A/C system has had no time to rest!

The lack of rain also translates in to a lack of green. The hills around here are usually alive with the sound of music but music doesn’t make the grass grow. So, the hills are brown and ugly just like in the summer time when the grass becomes oven-baked hay. It really makes me wonder if we will get our splendiferous crop of wild flowers this spring. We usually take the 25 or so mile drive from Springville to Exeter through Yokhol Valley. The curvy mountainous route is usually awash in white, gold, and purple wildflowers. Everything is painted green. It’s absolutely stunning.

And, our front yard is lacking as well and is starting to get really ugly. I am about to fire the hired help because he won’t get our there and set the sprinklers and ride the lawn tractor. I would do it but I am the hired help and I need the job.

The back yard…hoo, boy….that is a hopeless cause. It hasn’t been attended to in a year! That’s because the barn project took almost a year to complete (so much for “Aw, it shouldn’t take more than three months”). By the middle of last summer, I basically did not have a back yard. The place was littered with everything from tools to fools. All of the previous years’ yard work was laid waste. Once our lone duck gets back in a row I’ll take the Ranch Rhino tractor with its drag scraper and rework the area. A few bags of seed and a bit o’fertilizer, a liberal splash of agua, and things should be back in the green.

Don’t ask about the orange trees at the rear of the property. They have been dry-land farmed for too long and the fruit looks like big orange raisins. The sprinklers are in place so they may get a drink of water soon. Where’s a good Mexican laborer when you need one?

Speaking of having a lousy memory….someone has stolen at least half of my RAM chips. I can recall the days when I had a memory like a Cray super computer. Well….almost. I could, however, at least keep up with a good used Commodore 64.  Work schedules, appointments, dates, concerts, and what all were never missed and were remembered weeks in advance. But, now?….Holy moly!...I have to keep a bungee cord hooked between me and the calendar so I don’t miss appointments set for the next day! *SIGH*

Connie keeps trying to remind me to close the bedroom blinds before taking a shower (the bedroom faces Highway 190). Time and time again she has raced in and twisted the blinds shut just in time to spare the public from serious injuries to their eyeballs. But, Ol’ Flash somehow just can’t seem to get the point to stick to his Teflon lined noggin. She is also hoping to not have to bail me out of the hoosegow but loves me enough to hock the henhouse if I get busted for "aggravated nutidity" (being stupid enough to be nude where people can see you). Actually, it could even be worse. I could be charged with being "nekked" in public. Being nude is when you don't have any clothes on. But, being "nekked" is when you don't have any clothes on and you are up to something.

And….what’s with the salt-and-pepper mop on my head? I truly recall not being born with a need or desire have salt or pepper on anything but my eggs. Yet, my hair has been deftly and silently re-decorated with an extra color. Hmmmm….my barber was awfully quiet during my previous couple of haircuts. Maybe he’s practicing for a hair styling talent contest and forgot to advise me of the matter. He probably figured that, if he didn’t get screamed at by a client, he stood a good chance of winning. 

Stay tuned for more adventures of Captain Underpants and his side-cook, Connie, the Sweetie Pie.