Rancho No Relaxo

Rancho No Relaxo

There just isn’t a lot of “relaxin’” going on here at the ranch at this time. Man! Talk about “hustling”! We got back from the trip to Washington and hit the decks a’runnin’!

For one thing, we had business to take care of. Our clients were considerate enough to wait until we got home to have computer issues (ain’t they sweet?). But, once we were firmly on Rancho Relaxo turf, they were quite demanding (isn’t it great to be missed?).

It took us a few days to get re-acclimated to our old stompin’ grounds and chasing down our one duck to get him in a row. But, after that it was merely chaos with which to contend.

For another thing, we are still gluing together the mess that our building contractor made. We were told that our barn would be built and finished within “a few weeks”. Seven months later our barn is not completed and some of the other items with which he dealt are completely unacceptable! So, we had to deal with that. If this is your day off and you don’t mind taking the “long way to Tulsa”, here we go!

The first thing we had to do was to fire our contractor. I hated to do that but the man was simply an incompetent fool. I have little or no time to deal with fools of any sort or caliber. Being a fool is optional as far as I can tell so it isn’t necessary. This is particularly applicable when the fool is also a liar and a con man. He is on the drop edge of going to jail unless I can get some satisfactory resolutions to this matter from him.  

After firing the man, who has cost us about ten thousand dollars (so far) beyond what we had expected, we contacted a local contractor who was immediately available to help. We love this guy! Bob Sanford gave us a light at the end of the tunnel and advised us that he could handle the matter and bring it to a conclusion. I am placing this guy way high on my Christmas list!! He’s my hero!

So, some of the speed skating happening around here was to find this reputable contractor. When we did, we also found that our previous contractor had “lost” the inspection card, plans, and relevant paper work for our barn project. Great. Does this sound like the work of a “professional”? That meant that we had to drive to Visalia (about an axel greasin’ from here – about 30 min.) to the Tulare County permit department and get duplicate copies of the requisite paperwork. That’s just great given the fact that I have computers that are in need of my golden screw driver. My clients are suffering computer withdrawals and here I am chasing all over the place cleaning up after a less-than-reputable contractor and there is a lot more to this story!

For instance: we had him build us a 15’ x 40’ patio cover. The morons who put the roof on basically destroyed it in the process. Now, that’s true professionalism. For one thing, they used the wrong materials to cover the lower pitch roof. They used 30 pound felt instead of the requisite “Stick and Peel”. For another, they didn’t cover our beautiful 5/8” tongue and groove roof with OSB (oriented strand board, which is basically a competitor for plywood). This means that, when they used their jackhammer nail guns, they blew through the shingles and the wood and cracked, split, and otherwise destroyed the soft tongue-and-groove roof. Ain’t that just swell?

Then, the painters didn’t seal it on the underside. So, now the knot holes bleed through. Can you spell, “I D I O T S”? Our contractor hired a crew of unlicensed illegal aliens. And, guess what? We paid the price. We found out later that he “used to be a good contractor but then he got greedy and began to cut corners”. Oh, really?! That was no surprise by this time. 

Speaking of painters, they didn’t do hardly any “cut-in” work. Some places were bare wood. Others were the wrong color while others only had an insufficient coat of paint. The local Girl Scout troupe could have done better.

If that wasn’t enough to make you slap your grandma, the roofers left places on the roof that were bare of the undercover felt material and they didn’t use the small sealers used to isolate the nail holes when installing the flashing against the house. This means that any water or rain would have immediate access to the wood and probably the house! In only a few years we would have had a monstrous wood rot issue on the roof and with the house! Imagine my chagrin when I noted that they even had the 30 pound felt undercoating material over (instead of under) the composite roofing material in one place! I was dumbfounded!

The new contractor put OSB over the tongue-and-groove and obviated the issue of further damage to the roof. He also put down to the proper “Peel and Stick” material for the lower pitch roof. He then properly installed the composite roofing material and actually covered the entire roof instead of just most of it. His son and business partner will be painting the underside after sealing it. Amazing, eh?

To deepen the concern, the previous lout installed the incorrect piping for our propane powered stand-by residential generator. It had to be dug up and replaced. The new contractor fixed it right away.

The good news is that any trip to Visalia means that we get to knock over Costco’s hot dog stand. Connie always has the hot dog combo with ketchup and I always have the Polish dog combo with mustard. Doesn’t it just make your day to get a nice huge hot dog and a soda for a buck and a half? Such a deal! It just touches this old yard sale-er’s heart, don’tcha know.  But, there was no rest for the weary. We had to boogie on back to Springville to get ready for our big yard sale.

We also just hosted a huge 16 family yard sale that coincides with the Springville “Apple Festival”. Let us get a perspective on this. A yard sale is brutal in and of itself. Multiply that by a factor of 16 and you have a “chore” on your hands. Yes! We had 16 individuals/families parked on our front lawn! You should have seen it! It looked like a carnival of some sort! HAH! There were canopies galore! We supplied three of them. One was a 10’ x 10’ job while the other two were 13’ x 13’ covers.

It was hard even for us to comprehend. We had cars lined up on both sides of 32874 Highway 190, Springville, CA (Google it) for ….a block! It was constant foot traffic aaaaaaaaall daaaaaaay loooooong for three days! One car would pull out and one or two would pull in! We found out later that we were the “talk of the town”. I shouldn’t wonder!

All-in-all, it was a great time for all but I must admit that it was a bit taxing on our aging airframes. If we continue at this pace, we’ll be grounded by an AD (“Airworthiness Directive” from the FAA) until we can fix our broken bodies. There is talk of another such wallet shaking event this coming spring but, Ol’ Ran and Ol’ Con are not so sure yet. We’re going to wait until our muscles are not influencing our thought processes.

To add a bit of velocity to our dealings, this morning we were conversing with the contractor, answering the phone, and handling two new clients, all at the same time! Within a short time we also had to prepare to go to “Hooterville” and then on to the “real town” of Visalia. We were headed that way so that we could shop in real stores but then we had to go to Kaweah Delta Hospital to see cousin, Sharon Sanders (we covet your prayers).

Back at the Ranch, we also had the A/C man, a good friend from high school, come out and follow up on our evaporative cooler that he installed. It has a “purge” function that the old one didn’t have. So, he had to add a drain line that emptied into the (new) gutter.

It’s actually nice to be busy and perhaps even hectic from time to time. There are no complaints issuing from the ranch foreman and his sidecook (sic) Connie (though their bodies are in revolt). All is well. We are blessed.

Stay tuned for the updates as the new contractor makes the place look presentable so that the “Yo-Yo Twins”, Connie and Randy (more on this later) won’t be ashamed of their new barn and patio cover. It will be the “New Rancho Relaxo”.