Soggy Rancho Relaxo and Other Updates

In the words of John Fogerty, “Who’ll Stop the Rain?”…reckon no one will. Oh, well. We actually need the rain here. If it keeps up, we’re sure to have a nice seasonal snow pack in them thar hills. But, when it finally stops, I won’t be missing “Lake Constance” out front or “Stuck Duck Pond” in the back.

Lots of neat things happening at the ranch. For instance, we’re having a 20’ x 40’ barn built. The idea is to remove the goodies from the garage so that we will have room to…park the cars in! Imagine that! It’ll be great to have a place in which to park the lawn tractor too. The big co-ordinated blue barn (to match the house) has an upper loft for storage in which we can store all kinds of things. Most likely it will be junk but...hey...it's treasure, don'tcha know.

The residential water filter has been soaked and purged. It only needs to be plumbed. We’ll have three course filters in line prior to the big filter. That way we can use the Tule River water as a backup.

The big 36 slot gun safe arrived safe and sound (heheh…couldn’t help myself). It was purchased from “Patriot Safe Company”. I had been looking at the scratch and dent safes because it will be stowed in the garage and cosmetics is irrelevant. However, after discovering that I am a former police officer, the sales agent promptly gave me a new unit for the same price! Works for me! It will be bolted to the garage floor…once we find the garage floor.

Recently, Connie was perusing Craig’s List. One of her finds was a super clean Crate GLX212 120watt guitar amplifier (bless her darlin’ heart). We called the guy up on Fresno and advised him that we would be there the next day. It’s a good thing that we didn’t hesitate as it would have been unlikely that such a nice amp would have lasted much longer.  This was timely since my little Peavy amp has been misbehaving and throwing tantrums. It's about 12 years old and should know better. It'll work as a backup unit especially if I need humming and buzzing in the background.

While in Fresburg, we noticed that our tummies were growling. It didn’t take long to remember one of my favorite restaurants there, Yoshino’s. They have tappan/teppan cooking there where a chef defends his large hot griddle with a large knife, heavy duty spatula, and a mega-pepper mill. Not having knocked over the place in over twenty years (*sigh*), we beat feet to beat the crowd. We made it right on time.

Our Japanese chef was named “Benny”. He further tendered that he likes to go by “Benny Haha” (hear: Benny Hanna). That brought a smile to the middle-aged folks that sat around the perimeter of his hot arena. As he tossed on a batch of soon-to-be-fried rice, he dipped out some butter and slung it over onto the grill from about 3 feet away. “Butter fly”, he said. Nothing like a good groaner to aid digestion, I always say.

Needless to say, we had a grand time watching him slash the onions into large rings. He stacked them up to make a small cone. Then he fueled them with a splash of spirits (probably vodka) and then lit it with a match. It was a wonderful pyrotechnic “onion volcano” (which sped up the cooking process significantly, I should suppose).

After quelling the hunger riot with shrimp, pork loin, rice, and veggies et. al., we headed back home quite tired but content with the day.

I haven’t stopped playing this big beaut amplifier. It makes me look really good! There will be a lot of miles placed on the Telecaster, no doubt.

There’s no telling what was happening in Connie’s head but she was still looking on Craig’s List. She had me look at this one particular ad for a Breville espresso maker. Most everyone knows that Ol’ Ran is a bean head who loves having a couple of latte’s in the mornings to get the brain pressure up to nominal readings. We have a little cheapie espresso maker but it was lacking three acres of class. The one Connie was looking at retailed for about 400 bucks. Bill Clinton will be married to a real woman before I chip that much for a coffee maker! However, the guy in Bakersfield only wanted 100 dollars for this one and…it was new in the box! Now, that’s more like it!  “Ol’ New-in-the-Box”, they call me.

We called the guy and advised that we would be down the next day. After picking up the big 15lb stainless steel beauty, we headed off to “Zorba’s” for our weekly lube job (also known as the burger, fries, and soda combo meal).

It took a couple of days to get a feel for this awesome machine. It has a couple of minor idiosyncrasies that merely require paying attention to. After that, it’s no worries. I think I’m getting spoiled!

To round out the week’s activities, we picked up the new 20 GA Mossberg pump shotgun from Big 5. The quail need to fear and tremble. I like quail meat. Most likely there’ll be a few doves on the table as well. She’s all black and fairly light weight and is sure to be a real crowd pleaser.

More from Rancho Relaxo when the moderator has a tad more time. He’s off to finish setting up a client’s home network.

Springtime Update From Rancho Relaxo

We’ve been wonderfully busy here. Not much to complain about when a guy has too much work to do, eh? Some of the jobs have been “teeth pullers” but most of it has been straightforward stuff without complication. The good news is that I still have some hair and a few good teeth left. I try to look at things positively with my one good eye.

There seems to be an epidemic of one certain bug that has clobbered a number of computers in this area. I have the job of cleaning them up. Some of the removal is easy enough but some are really buggers (pun intended, of course). One client’s rig had the registry so messed up that the operating system and all of the software had to be reinstalled. I don’t mind and do such things regularly. It’s just that it’s expensive for the client and Ol’ Ran is an old Scotsman who likes to save money if he can.

Plus, there is a big beaut Toshiba laptop that needs the LCD screen replaced. That’s not difficult but it is expensive. A printer awaits head and carriage cleaning. The good news is that the weather is beautiful and, if I weren’t so busy, I would be wasting my time fishing or such.

This Saturday is the “Wild Hog Chili Ride” sponsored by the Exeter Lion’s Club. Connie and I will be one of the chili cooking teams. We have never done such a thing as this. About the closest we’ve come is whipping up a nice New Year’s dinner for a few friends. But, we are equipped with all that is required (that we can tell). The new 6K generator and dual hotplate will get broken in as will the new propane Louisiana cooker which will be on call if needed. There will be a 13’ x 13’ awning that will protect us and we have a couple of nice long tables to help with the serving and such. It should be a hoot but I’m still thinking that it will be tiring as well. We will be expected to dish up small 2 oz samples to about 300 folks. Do the math on that one. My bet is that Team Minnick will sweep the cook off with “Brother Ran’s Boy Howdy Zing Pow Chili”. The top prize is a check for 300 bucks so my burner is lit.

Speaking of “breaking in” things, I’m still breaking in my sweet Telecaster purchased while on last November’s vacation. The pickups are HOT and straight up Country. I’m playing with a “9” on the bottom string which makes it a “bender” for sure. It’s butterscotch and maple and for some reason, I really like that combination. This little cutie has found a place in my soft mushy musical heart.

Then there’s the new black Epiphone “Gibson Special Edition Model” that was recently appropriated for a reasonable price (methinks 50 clams is reasonable). A luthier friend of mine overhauled it and made a real “player” out of it. He advises that the guitar has been played very little and is in excellent shape. That’s great to know since I’ll probably sell or trade it for something else before too long. To me, it feels like a dedicated “rhythm guitar” but it’s probably because it has a “10” on the bottom string and I’ve been playing with the “9”. If I put a set of nines on it, it may well change my opinion of it. Reckon I’m spoiled.   

The pretty red Epiphone “Les Paul” special edition guitar is not getting much play time. For some reason I’m not as attached to it as I am the Telecaster (even though I paid more for it). Most likely it’ll also end up being traded for something else. We’ll see. It may just be the amp settings. The Peavy amp is set for the Tele so I may twirl a knob or two and see if I can tweak the pretty cherry-maple burst Les Paul.

Well….spring is here and it’s “Gopher Patrol” season. The bloody rodents are remodeling our front and back yards without our permission or even a permit from the county. Though a few of them have fallen to my wrath, the scorecard is much in their favor. Bribing the ol’ love dog, Maggie, into doing some patrolling doesn’t seem to work. She will only participate as an enforcer if the wriggling varmints are thrown at her.

The local jungle is also growing at an increasingly rapid rate. That’s due to the abundance of rain we had this season. We usually get about three tea cups of rain per year and most of it came all at the same time this winter. So, the place is green for awhile until the summer sun bakes it into a dull dry un-inviting brown. The lawn tractor was guided about recently and the weedeater was taken for a walk. But, there is much to be done and it appears that I’ll need to hire Jose and the boys to take up the slack. So goes life.

After the weeds are whacked, there’s a large pile of tree trimmings that have beckoned our attention for the previous few years. A burning permit has been acquired and everyone will soon see a large plume of smoke billowing from Rancho Relaxo.

Permits….ah, yes….permits. According to the old Tommy Collins song, “You Gotta Have a License”. So, we got our license. We had to get one for the new barn that is soon to be erected at the rear of the ranch. I dunno….maybe we’ll call it the “Rear Barn”. Who knows. It will be a 16’ x 32’ facility with an upper loft for storage. It will be nice to have a place to store all of our stuff that’s presently being stored in the garage. Can you imagine actually getting to use the garage to house the van?! What an amazing concept! The new structure will have a ton of electrical outlets in case Brother Ran needs to plug in a few tools or such. “Rancho Mechanico”…sort of has a ring to it.

Can you believe that you even have to have a permit to fish? Last year it cost us more than 80 bucks for two fishing licenses!! The “price of rice” ain’t nothin’ compared to the price of fish! I think I may just stick to the 1.99 per pound smelt when they are in season. I can dry or smoke those rather cheaply. However, I would be missing out on not hooking my fingers with a lure, not stinking like a jar of bait, not loosing twenty bucks worth of lures and tackle, not getting eaten by gigantic mosquitoes that use landing lights at night, not getting to hike over hill and dale through jungle-like terrain, and not getting baked in the sun. I may have to think this through.   

Anyway….Rancho Relaxo now has 4 nice electric dehydrators with which to experiment. Testing the products of our dehydrators has become quite a nice job for me and I’m now the head inspector and taste tester. Particularly enticing is the beef jerky. There’s no sense kidding around about how I wasn’t at all sure of the outcome of this meat drying thing. It was well within my imagination that our product could be sold to Florsheim as a heel or sole. Thankfully, that was not the case. The jerky, made from expensive cuts of sirloin beef, turned out better than any jerky this ol’ beef chewer has experienced.

The seasonings were: straight salt, salt and pepper (my favorite), teriyaki (not bad at all), Montreal Steak seasoning (to fight for), and mesquite (not bad but still getting used to it). Connie’s new commercial vacuum sealer tidied them up in plastic bags for the future (not too distant I’m sure given the fact that product sampling for quality assurance is a priority here, don’tcha know).

Rancho Ran just hooked up the household water purifier. It has to soak for a couple of days prior to being plumbed into the system. It’ll handle all we can throw at it for at least 5 years or so. It came with replacement filler material so we’re good to go for quite awhile.

Part of the plan was to tap into our 2” ditch water line in case our pump failed for whatever reason. That was accomplished with the help of “Witzel’s Pump Service” who did a grand job of replacing our tired old water tank and tapping into the ditch line. I went to the 8^th grade and on through high school with some of Tim’s siblings. He was 5 years behind me so, as a teenager, I didn’t dare be seen with a mere 3^rd grader in 1962, of course. He did a great job for which we are truly thankful. He’s the best.

The ditch water is actually just Tule River water so it only has a few crayfish, a frog or two, and maybe some chunks of dirt in it. All of it is easily filtered out. In fact, we have those filters. There will be three course filters prior to the main household filter. Anything that gets past that we’ll just shoot with the H&R .410 shotgun.

The Weber E320 grill arrived safe and sound. It has been a chore, though, to find someone with enough energy to glue the thing together. A reasonable mind would suspect that, when the neighbor’s BBQ grill tosses some smoke our way, the energy level will increase accordingly and things will get accomplished. The grill will be powered by a 100 pound propane tank and there are two more “big boys” in reserve. There is a 20 pounder (little boy) as a backup to that (you just can’t cure an old Boy Sprout from “being prepared”). Until then, the new cooker is being stored in the 8’ x 12’ enclosed trailer until further notice.

The other day Connie was perusing “Craig’s List” (she really doesn’t do that hardly at all!). She had me take a look at a listing that concerned an almost new Craftsman 17 drawer tool chest set for 600.00. Apparently, the seller’s boyfriend had run off with another woman without placing any value on his new tools and chest (or her for that matter). So, being the wise gal that she is, she offered the stuff for sale as any prudent woman would do.

To tell the truth, I wasn’t thinking about a tool chest at all. However, after looking up the retail price on the thing, my mind took a different track and fell comfortably into a tool groove. When we looked it up on the Net, the exact chest was on sale at Sears for about 900 bucks. OK….even though I went through the 6^th grade three times with Jethro Bodine, I could tell that the 600 dollar selling price was a pretty good deal. Connie called and set up an appointment to see the seller.

Within a couple of days we hauled our white trailer down there and looked her up. It was everything she said it was! There wasn’t so much as a single greasy fingerprint anywhere to be found! But, there was more! There was a bunch of other tools, sockets, hammers, screw drivers and such that we could opt for. “Optin’ Ran”, they call me!

The nice lady wanted 700 bucks with the tools so, being the horse trader that I am, I offered her 600 bucks. She countered that she’d take 650 dollars. Since it was lunch time and my stomach was getting in the way of my negotiations, I advised her that we’d go eat lunch and think about it.

Intermission time: Connie and I promptly went back north on Chester Avenue about 4 miles and had lunch at ZORBA’s restaurant. Now, Zorba’s is probably on the list of “Greasy Spoon Restaurants of California”. In fact, it’s probably at the top of the list. However, anyone stupid enough to not eat there deserves to eat celery and carrots topped with tennis shoe dressing the rest of their lives. Heck, every Ford needs a lube job now and then! We tore into the Burger Special that includes a drink and fries. On some occasions we have been known to knock over the Pastrami Special too. Good stuff, Maynard.

After slowly (there really wasn’t a choice at our age and having a full tummy) extricating our bods from Zorba’s about 45 minutes or so later, we headed back to the nice lady’s house where she was, no doubt, awaiting the return of our wallet. I met the smiling lady with an offer: “Would you take 600 dollars for everything (my original offer)?”. She hemmed a bit then, after roller her eyes at the ceiling and at a couple of cats, she said, “625?”. I looked Connie right straight in her pretty blue eyes and said, “I like this lady”. “Let’s do it!”, says I.

The seller’s son helped cart the goodies out to the trailer. I have long since retired the big yellow “S” from the front of my uniform and have relegated the lifting of a locomotive in a single bound thing to the younger guys. With our booty on board, we headed back to the ranch quite happy with our deal.

When I advised my dear brother and friend, Jerry Lewis, about the purchase, he advised, “I have one just like it out back. You’ll love it”. I have no doubt whatsoever!

There’s more to come. So, don’t touch that dial. Stay tuned for more of the happenings and perhaps adventures from Rancho Relaxo. You do know what an “adventure” is, don’t you? That’s when your plans fail or you are caught without a plan. You are on …an adventure!